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Thread: New stuff!!! OwoWoowOWO

  1. #21
    Keyboard smasher GreekGladiator's Avatar
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    I agree. It would eventually backfire, when I sit down one month later to continue a story that I haven't read the details so long. I don't know if I will fix right now, but I definitely will look out more for continuity errors such as this complete 180 in attitude. The overall composure of the story is all over the place, so I would only be patching up the problem and not fixing it. On the other hand, this may be an excuse for me to be even more lazy. No one will ever know.

    Oh boy, I am very excited. I really don't wanna spoil anything, but the way you have understood 9137 is perfect for me. I have many stuff in store for him(as you perhaps have understood, he is an important character).

    I guess it's really just the two of us exchanging reviews on each other's stories now, isn't it? Everything else has completely died out.
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  2. #22
    Secret Psychopath Crank's Avatar
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    Heh, you say that like CnC was ever that common, especially in O Lit

  3. #23
    Senior Member Urako's Avatar
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    Loosely speaking, I'm still here Greek Gladiator, but I've mostly moved on to other sites with more story centered interactions that fight based ones to answer your last question.

    It's not that I don't want to do another battle, but the actual advancement of Derrick's story bores me and its below everything else in priority. On top of that, have you ever made a villain too strong before? Yeah.
    Last edited by Urako; 02-01-2019 at 10:36 AM.
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  4. #24
    Keyboard smasher GreekGladiator's Avatar
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    Ok this isn't an actual update. I just post this to stir up some action. In February I did almost no work as far as I remember and I am disgusted with myself for this. However, since yesterday I doubled the size of the current chapter, but it's still way too incomplete, even without the corrections. I will be probably be splitting this in three parts actually, hopefully improving a lot on the aspects of scene setting and describing actions better. Especially the first part is very messed up since I added a couple of paragraphs each week as far as I remember so it's very fractured and has little to no connection or integrity. So stay tuned on the site cause in the next days I'll hopefully add the next chapter to the story!

    On the plus side of me not writing, I am on my way to a world conquest in EU4!(very big deal)

    ---

    Way it's finally done. I skipped school today, but I did it! Due to continuity reasons, I will be spliting in two parts after all, and also will be adding way less than I initially expected('cause I suck). I am very afraid that I getting repetitious in the story because I barely avoided using the same dialogue in a similar event that happened way back in Chapter VI(6). Luckily, it seemed awfully familiar to me so I checked it and thankfully corrected it(making it even better in my opinion). What I really want, is some feedback on the upcoming chapter since it has something special(not gonna spoil it).

    If I can handle all the internal cringing I get from what I write, I don't see myself stopping this any time soon, even if I take big "breaks" like I did in February.
    Last edited by GreekGladiator; 03-05-2019 at 05:38 AM.
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  5. #25
    Secret Psychopath Crank's Avatar
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    Chapter 10 looks pretty good! Ya got some missing words here and there, but other than that it seemed solid. The dream sequence was well done, it was good that A004's emotions bookended it, but it would've been stronger if you showed him reacting to what he was seeing more throughout. The gore detail seemed fine, but that's always going to vary depending on how much you feel comfortable writing, as well as the audience you're writing it for. It did feel appropriate for the tone, though.

    Somehow, next to it was a crying figure that A004 hadn’t noticed up until now. He realised, from the deep blue colour of the hair, that this must be Elise. Then the body started slowly turning around, rotating with the rope. To A004’s dismay, the body was himself; yet another omen of his inevitable death. Blood was dripping, from the feet of the body, in front of A004. It fell exactly in place so it formed semi-readable letters. “ YOU CAN’T ESCAPE YOUR FATE ”

    Somehow, next to it was a crying figure that A004 hadn’t noticed up until now. He froze when he recignized the deep blue color of Elise's hair and found himself holding his breath as the rope around her broken neck slowly rotated to face him. His entire body grew hot as her sobbing grew louder and louder, pounding into his brain like the drums of an invasion, but when her body had finally rotated enough to see features through the hair, an exhale left his body upon seeing they weren't hers. The moment the air abandoned his lungs however, his mind screamed whose face it was. His own. Purple with bloodshot, sobbing eyes, the pitch lowering to match his voice. It felt impossible to breathe, and snapping his eyes away as quickly as possible, they followed the only movement they saw. Blood was dripping from his- the other him's- feet, and his gaze tracked a red bead to a pool taking the shape of semi readable letters letters. “ YOU CAN’T ESCAPE YOUR FATE ”

    No matter how scary something is, it's going to be scarier to the person it's happening to. Be sure to show them throughout!

    (No blood/gore/screaming/jump scare in example clip)


    All in all though, great job!
    Last edited by Crank; 03-13-2019 at 02:54 PM.

  6. #26
    I have returned Sharpiro's Avatar
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    God I haven't been on this site for so long, so uh yeah going off of want crank said. Another you can do is purposefully withhold information to keep the reader in suspense while you drop a few details here and there to build up tension and fear. Good luck man! It was nice to kindof come back her once in a while to see if everything is really gone.
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  7. #27
    Keyboard smasher GreekGladiator's Avatar
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    Daymn Crank, that's some really scary description right there. I will definitely put it some way in the story, since it's way better than my attempt. The missing words part is probably because I'm stupid, so nothing to worry there. I have still a long way to go if I want to give descriptions and paint scenes that capture someone's attention. I bet that if I went over it more than one time, it would be greatly improved, but I don't see that happening any time soon(the Gdocs title explains why). If you have any interest at all, some time in the future, once I add a couple more chapters, you could update the ToC(since I can't).

    It's also nice to see you back Sharpiro! I don't know if you read all the story up to the tenth chapter or just it, but it's good to hear more than one person here. The main problem I have with building suspense, is that I always feel like I have given too few information and nothing makes sense then. Hopefully I have already begun doing that and I have planned some plot twists for the future so I should be careful how to present them.
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  8. #28
    Keyboard smasher GreekGladiator's Avatar
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    Spoiler for Spoiler:


    Phew, that's another chapter down the line. It finally crossed the 40k word count too! I have a feeling this one(XIII) is going to be a little clumsy and not so coherent, but to be honest, I really wanted to get over with it since I had it almost done for so long. I hope I'll begin working on the next one as soon as possible.
    Last edited by GreekGladiator; 03-31-2019 at 04:18 AM.
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  9. #29
    Secret Psychopath Crank's Avatar
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    I'm gonna try finally getting caught up this week, so the next couple are gonna be pretty sort, just a heads up.

    Chapter 11

    If this is a plan to subvert A004's leadership from 91, go ahead and ignore my main point, but it feels like his leadership should be focused on more. A004 is in an anthoritiave possition, and while his speech isn't nessessarily bad, I'd argue that the perception of him to the boss is more important that Elise's feelings about him. A004 comes off as wildly unprepaired, and then in the Mahiti it's clear he's just then figuring out what he's doing. When you start getting jobs, it's going to be super clear that if your boss doesn't know what they're doing, it's very bad, and these get highlighted with the severity of the issues at hand. For example, at my first job at a McDonald's, my General Manager (Top Manager) thought we were using too many gloves, so he locked them in a closet only he had the key to. After dealing with that bullshit for a couple weeks think we just weren't ordering enough, I suddenly found out what was really happening and was furious. As a crew memeber (bottom rung), I woke him the hell up at 6am to open the goddamn closet and get me my fucking gloves.

    If the commander of the army leading you through a potentally dangerous area looks incompetent, that may not go over super well. It'd be a fun thing to play with, but going by how neither A4 or Elise seems to have noticed, it seems like it might just be a neglected point, but again, that's something that would be clear when you start working.

    I guess for referance point now though, if your teacher did the equivient, how would your classmates react? Like if your math teacher pulled out a times table to check your homework.

    Keep up the hard work, looking forward to the next develpments!

  10. #30
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    Here 's the best kitchen utensils
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