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Thread: New stuff!!! OwoWoowOWO

  1. #31
    Secret Psychopath Crank's Avatar
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    Aaaaah, finally caught up!

    As a continuation of the chapter before, I'd like to see more of how A004's being perceived by his people. Going by what I read today, he doesn't seem to hold them in high regard and continues to only focus on his partner. 91's shift also seems a bit of a jump from Chapter 11, and while I get the situation they're all in is endlessly more stressful than the day before, it still comes up out of nowhere, and with no push back in response. Generally speaking, the more frustrating the situation, the more tense things get between the people in them. Before this, Elise is displayed at a bit emotionally unstable and 91's a cocky son of a gun, but Elise doesn't say bite back at all to any of "the fuck"s 91 shouts. It just felt out of character for them both, I suppose.

    Similarly with character and changes to the character, if growing neglect and indifference is going to be important to a character moving forward, it's still important to show, even if both things are an absence of something else. Showing that A004's hanger is cut off from the others, hitting home that he has no idea who any of these people are and showing him choose not to interact with the convoy would all be ways to do this.

    Looking forward to the next part!

  2. #32
    Keyboard smasher GreekGladiator's Avatar
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    Ahh, finally I am back(from Serbia) and ready to sit for a couple of weeks doing nothing and bingewatching Game of Thrones.

    Thanks for the feedback Crank, this time it showcased a really big problem for me. I don't know at which extend my bad writing and how much your expectations of a protagonist played much into this misunderstanding. I will try to explain it here and will also try to make things more evident in the story itself.

    A004 is definitely not a leader; at least so far into the story. He is in a completely new world to him, finally experiencing what reality is trully like. Of course he is going to be wildly unprepaired as you put it and many mistakes are to follow from his and everyone else's side. He and many others(Elise included) have been brainwashed, so to speak, with the intent of being incapable to act independently and/or rebeliously. 9137 is just someone who managed to adapt very fast and so has much more responsibilities but also power. I don't want to spoil his own dynamic with the other two main characters much, so I'll just say that both 9137 and Elise are "moving forward", each in their own way.

    I believe I have mentioned it before(perhaps I had it written but then srapped it in a rewrite), but the "normal" people of this world are nothing. The speech A004 had to give was merely a ceremonial gesture. They are all empty slates, given even less freedom by the High Command, compared to the fighters. They don't need it after all, do they? A004 never really had an affection to them apart from the vague idea of "saving the people". However, that facid of the world is something I am going to work a lot with in the following chapters(probably not in the next 3-4, but later).

    I would really like to see your opinion on the battle with the Alecton. I believe that if I did a good job with this one, I won't have much trouble with future fights. Also expect a CnC on your own story either in 3 hours or later in about 20 hours from now.
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  3. #33
    Secret Psychopath Crank's Avatar
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    I'll get the CnC of the battle up on Saturday, or if I forget, go ahead and fire me a message Sunday. It can be tricky to balance what changes for characters when their entire world changes, so it is fair to have a hard time with that. Even professionally written things, like Gotham, for instance, can show signs of suffering when the dynamics change too much. iZombie and The Good Place do a good job with the massive season shifts. I'm sure you can think of shows that had some radical change that either fell short or nailed it, but from what I've seen, the characters still have to be themselves, and there still has to be the original foundational of the world, but zoomed out and built on. I could probably rant about Spartacus and praise iZombie, but I don't know if that would necessarily be helpful, especially if you haven't seen them. I also super don't reccomend Spartacus anyway

  4. #34
    Secret Psychopath Crank's Avatar
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    Gah! It's way past Saturday! Always feel free to give me a kick in the pants if I haven't done a thing I'm gonna do. I'm not gonna be mad if people keep me honest. Anyway!

    The Fight

    Setup:
    Before I even begin, I do want to mention that chunks of this might come from a few of the details slipping away because the project has been worked on over such a long period of time. I'm sure that if I was reading this all at once I'd have more information about the mechs and monsters on back-burner, but it's a little hazy for me the further back things come from. Anyway though!

    Scene setup is something that I personally struggle with, but in the beginning of a conflict it's always good to establish what's at stake. How bad is it? And how bad can it get? It's good to establish that the thing is huge and fast, but to live in the danger, you have to watch out for de-fanging the trouble. Essentially, to have your reader worry, you have to watch out for how your protagonist is contrasted to the damage.

    Realisation struck Elise and she hurriedly got herself back together. Together with A004 they retook control the Mahiti, restoring A004’s vision. He inspected their surroundings and instantly found out that they were buried under what could possibly be tons of now scrap metal and other material. Of course, this was no problem for a Mahiti.

    It's fine that A004 is in one of the best mechs, but that comes across that he's superman and you can rest at ease the way it is. Brushing things off as fine can reduce the tension you're putting out, especially if it's while you're building up the enemy.

    Also dealing with How Bad is it?, 'huge' or other words like it mean different things to different people for different objects. A huge lemon was shipped to my work the other day, but it was about the size of my fist. I pass some massive buildings visiting my parents while I'm on the highway, but New York City can put my Michigan reference point to shame. If you're fighting a big monster, how big is it? I'm a mile man, but I still recognize a kilometer as a lot, or you could draw a more well known comparison, like a whale eating krill, or a python striking a rat.

    How Bad Could it Get? is generally internal. You don't need to outright state what the worse case scenario is, but if your hero is afraid of things getting worse, try to keep in that head-space, especially if the perspective is largely behind them.

    Battle:



    Even when the stakes are relatively safe, at least compared to mass murder, fights are full of "Hell yeah!" moments, as well as "Shit." ones. Actions have reactions, and while I'm not saying A004 needs to be checked in on every single move, his mind state should be one of the biggest things being conveyed, especially during turning points. If something happens that would shift his mood, be sure to show it change. Similar thing with damage. If A004 were to ever punch 91 square in the face, I could safely assume it would make his head hurt a great deal, but the farther from human the entities are, the less blanks are able to be filled in. When A004 stabs the thing with his spear, does it even register, or is it like getting a splinter? Either option could feed to hopelessness or it can bleed, it can die, logic.

    Going back to the clips of Anderson Silva kicking (in some cases) the fuck out of people, the moment something's over is the moment you'll feel the strongest. You'll also get that from the impending doom you see on some of the people who get knocked down, but A004 achieved something huge, let him live in it. He's been happy before, so it wouldn't be out of place to see him proud of himself and Elise, and it'd be, and feel earned.

    I think you had good choreography and the moves made sense, and a solid threat, you just need to work on adding emotion

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