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View Poll Results: Who wins?

Voters
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  • Jasper (Jessepinwheel)

    11 91.67%
  • Sadko (Sadko)

    1 8.33%
Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Jasper (Jessepinwheel) vs. Sadko (Sadko)

  1. #1

    Jasper (Jessepinwheel) vs. Sadko (Sadko)

    Characters:
    Jasper (Jessepinwheel): Mental sense, bladed bow, knife, can create extensions of his body with shadows
    Sadko (Sadko): Guns, knives, prophesying, sense disabling
    Spoiler for Jasper vs. Sadko (Jessepinwheel):

    Spoiler for Sadko vs. Jasper (Sadko):

    May the best writer win. Feedback obviously requested and appreciated.

  2. #2
    Worse than Stickly Ezy's Avatar
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    I'd have to go with Jesse, both stories were really good. Really like the build up and setting in Jesse's story. Sadko did a swell job too. Good job u 2 10/10 frontpage. (Can't give critical feedback because I suck at life)

  3. #3
    Senior Member
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    A rating by Ezy that isn't a 1? Who's sucking your dick lately?


    Alright. Kidding aside, I would say both pieces are a tie. But I wouldn't vote for either.

    Both stories were...well, they ain't bad terrible. They just feel inadequately stupid. And for different reasons. I don't know if it was deliberate or subconcious, but reading both stories made me think how they seem to somewhat reflect both author's moods and actual disposition. Jesse's no-nonsense, meticulous, and engaging Thriller is bogged by showy cerebral sequences and bordering pretentious lack of detail. Sadko's frantic over-the-top Action Blockbuster on the other hand just felt a little too silly at times, just cos it used alot of wrong stupid words that just made me not take things seriously in a bad way.

    In short, Jesse's story felt like a John Woo movie that abused the hell out of CGI Bullet-Time sequences. More than usual. And Sadko's story was billed as Lethal Weapon, when I actually saw a bad parody instead. It was so bad, it was hilarious.

    I wanna say that I felt cheated with Jesse's use of POVs. You stick to one or the other or go omni. But you never ever switch between both, at least not in one consistent action sequence such as this. It's confusing and cheap. I think you wanted to make this focused on Jasper though, which is why he's the only named character and we never get to see Sadko's name. It doesn't work. If anything, I was just confused even more when both 'he' and 'him' appeared in the same sentence and I didn't know who was what.

    We start the story with Sadko's POV, then Jasper as he reacts to the first strike, then Sadko again as he is beatened. But despite all that, even though Sadko's POV was dominating, it's clear that Jasper is the main star. And therein lies the cheapness: All we see of Sadko's defeat and being countered at every turn is how HE gets the punishment and loses. We almost never understand how and why this is happening. We just get his ass kicked because you know...that's how these battles are. It makes Jasper that much more badass, right? Well, it was at most vague to me. I even had to reread a couple of times what did Jasper do exactly that allowed him to beat the Clairevoyance. I'm still a little confused tbh. I would really have loved to see an even POV working both sides out in that critical moment.

    Also Jesse's ending felt a little contrived. They're even now? For what? Maybe a little more exploration into the context behind the twist would've been nice. I can see what was attempted though: the intro with the girl was established in order to set up the unexpected end. But if the reader doesn't feel invested in that peripheral/tertiary character, then there's no point making her quip like that in the end. It felt pasted on at the end for the sake of using a Chehkov's Gun like a "I planned writing it all along" kinda way. And while I do appreciate the irony that Sadko's demise was indirectly caused by the very thing he he swore he would never kill, none of this is ever brought up or put into question save for the end and beginning. Like bookends. There's no meat or emotional carriage in between that ties it all together.

    And while I can understand why such a setting and plot required no dialogue from both people (There was no reason to talk. It was a hit, after all. I get it.) perhaps a little mild chatter could've saved us some context for the parts that needed some explaining. Most egregious when you had to mention "The target had played him this whole time." I mean, as if we couldn't gather from what was already given that you had to explain that tiny tidbit. If we couldn't gather from it, then it's because you plotted it poorly. Don't magic the message by telling us outright. What's the point.

    Oh and most of your sentences are run-ons. Commas are not used that way, dearie.

    Sadko's piece is so funny. Lots of wrong words. Lots of contrivance. If you were going for a slapstick style then congratulations. You should've written Sadko's bio as a Lobo-like character then. But for all its intentions, it did not feel like Sadko really never stood a chance and you just decided to have fun with it. To put into context, it feels like in the time Sadko's story was taking place, Jasper had already killed him. And this whole surreal and absurd sequence Sadko writes is just in the euphoric dying dreams of his now bleeding-all-over-the-floor character before Jasper silences him for good. I mean come on! Smashing a TV on top of his head and glass erupting "like a volcano"?! I practically lost it at that point. Best comedy I've ever seen. But as a serious battle in this context, just. No. It's so bad it's bad.

    That's all I can say about Sadko's part. Most of his errors are in wrong words. Let's go through some of my nitpicks for both writers:

    Spoiler for Jesse's nitpicks:
    Spoiler for Sadko's nitpicks:



    On the plus side, props to Jesse for picking a setting that isn't cliche.

  4. #4
    Hewitt, while I appreciate the feedback, I'll thank you not to dismiss something I put a lot of effort into as "inadequately stupid". That being said, if you think that my story is full of run-on sentences, I'm not convinced that you actually read my story. The least you can do is cite an example.

    Anyways, it'd be more helpful if you explained why you disagreed with my stylistic choices as opposed to just saying that you did and what I should do instead. Or at least explaining why your suggestions are preferable.

    I used points of view the way I did because the major point of the story is that Jasper knew something that Sadko did not, and that's why he won. Switching point of view lets me invoke dramatic irony and bring the story together more fully for the reader. If it was only Sadko's point of view, the reader wouldn't understand what was going on at all and the way that Jasper finally offs him would come out of nowhere. If it was only Jasper's point of view, it would be unbelievably boring because going into the battle, he already knows about his enemy and the setting in which he's going to fight. Omniscient third person would just be me artificially creating tension by withholding information.

    You say that it's just about Sadko getting beat up by Jasper, but I would disagree. It's about the conditions that Jasper invoked that allowed him to get the upper hand for the entire fight as well as the events that conspired before the actual fight that allowed him to do so. I intended for the reader to piece together the larger story as more information comes out.

    The "twist" with the girl is that she was in on the plot. The only context you need is that she did it because she had some history with Jasper. Which is to say, "so we're even now" is the context. What exactly that history is is irrelevant because it has nothing to do with the story of Jasper and the killer.

    "The target had played him the whole time" isn't to inform the reader. It's Sadko realizing that there was this precursor to the fight that led to his demise. It should only be confirming what the reader has already deduced.

    I'm not sure what to say about "pretentious lack of detail", because I'm not sure where you're expecting more detail than I already have. I don't think I could reveal the whole "it was a setup" thing any less subtly without insulting someone's intelligence.

    Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that you took the time to write up your thoughts. I just think it would have been better if you elaborated on the whys rather than the whats because as it stands I'm not convinced.


    Anyways, other people who are reading this story, it's really easy to give feedback. Just take five minutes to say what you thought and why. Two sentences would do, though more would be appreciated. Any feedback is useful, regardless of whether or not I agree with it.

  5. #5
    Secret Psychopath Crank's Avatar
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    I am going to forget everything if I give both CnCs at once, so:

    Spoiler for Jesse:


    Spoiler for Sadko:
    Last edited by Crank; 03-30-2014 at 11:25 PM.

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