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Thread: Friday Funk #15: Burn Baby Burn

  1. #11
    Secret Psychopath Crank's Avatar
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    Feb 2012
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    "*Dum dun DAAN!*"

    Well that totally wasn't intentional at all either!

    Yeah, of course! Just had to go help move things out of a giant box. Apparently I lift things up and put them down in my free time.

    Anyway!

    First and foremost, really good job with this one, I'm seeing lots of rapid improvement from you! Happy to see you using bold and italics, it's weird what they can add, huh?

    I think the main thing that seemed to be missing was although Roy's views of fire was explained quite well early on, when they actually made their big performance his love of them was lacking.

    He flicked away the match and pulled out another one. He was a pyro-enthusiast, he made extra sure that the difference between him and a pyromaniac was clear. He loved flames, their hot beauty and their beautiful life. Though they only lived for such a short amount of time, they never faded or grew ugly as they neared their death. They had no flaws unlike the race of man. That’s why he wanted to share the beauty with others, everyone needed to experience flame’s beauty.

    Here we have a guy who's passionate. For once in my life, I'm going to do a non-movie comparison, but think of it like there's a girl you like and your describing her to your friends. Here, she's got bright blue sparkling eyes that dance in the light shining through her blessed soul. Straight hair is gliding down her flawless face and cascades to her orange skirt and whenever she speaks with her beautiful, uplifting voice your heart tremors (fuck, I'm still crushing on this woman).

    Fire crawled out of the recesses of the green bush, licking away at the oil, feeding itself, bolstering itself, strengthening itself. It started leaping from bush to bush, eating away at the dry wood and green leaves. The flames seem to be a standstill as it smoldered in the bushes, as if not knowing what to do next, then one caught a trail, that led the rest to follow. Flames began crawling up the trees and house walls, the true show was beginning.


    And then when you see her and what she's doing, she's just hot. Don't get me wrong, fire has the spotlight, but it isn't the enchanting mistress she was before. Roy is in love with the flame, and it's finally before him in full force. If you haven't crushed on anyone lately, take it from me here, when you actually see them in (clothed) flesh and bone (not literally) it can be a little overwhelming as emotions conspire to either make you awed or look really stupid. Or just blatantly crushing. I think this scene should've been about Roy just as much as it should've been about the fire.

    Fire crawled out of the recesses of the green bush, licking away at the oil in extacy, quivering as it bolstered and grew stronger. Its seductive tendrils stroked the bushes before it, quickly spreading its light as it embraced the dry wood and green leaves. Roy could hardly contain himself, his palms grew sweaty but had nothing to do with the immense heat radiating from his beloved. It danced before him like a mistress, beckoning to him as smoldered in the bushes, but then pounced out having caught on a trail, begging to be followed. Roy swallowed hard, heart beating at immeasurable speeds as his mouth fell agape, dry lips cracking as his smile widened to a horrifying width. He licked them the way the flames did the trees and house walls, crawling up them as the true show began.

    Emotions are extremely strong, especially the stronger ones. Love, passion, hate, all of those are extremely worth diving deep into. Show the motions, be the E-ones behind them that make them happen.

    Again though, lots of improvement and I'm very impressed!

  2. #12
    Sophisticated Perversion Not_Nish's Avatar
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    Mar 2010
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    Crank I'm sorry I got to CnCing this late. But I love it. You've prob heard the generic CnC before. I just wanted to point out to you that you had a real knack for making inanimate objects sound lifelike. Whether it was the seductive tendrils of the flame, or the cracks of his dry lips widening into a smile, you have an ability to magnify tiny moments into visual pieces of their own. I think you should look into it and see it as a skill to actively develop and utilize.
    Spoiler for Random Charry Ownage #17:

  3. #13
    Boomerangtang Boomerang's Avatar
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    Been meaning to write something for this one for a while.

    Spoiler for FF#15:

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