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Thread: ayy lmao

  1. #1

  2. #2
    ★★★★★ Zero's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Some errors I found:

    1.) Master Sergeant Ellis, normally a very stern man, looked entire different.
    The man attended public high school, played a few years of lacrosse and enlisted into the Marine Corps after being turned down a
    professional lacrosse contract. (Lacking "by")

    Anyway, I was a bit confused in the beginning with all these names and events popping out one after the other pretty quickly. It's understandable since it is Chapter 3. So far, it's fine. There's nothing special I can point in it. Although, I am confused with this statement that Staff Sergeant Kellan said:

    "his blouse folded over by the rifle sling that crossed his chest."

    Forgive me for my lack of knowledge in clothing and fashion but isn't "Blouse" normally for women? Also, the term "Anyways" is a slang and that from what I've read in my English books, it was made popular by superstars in movies but it's supposed to be just "Anyway". Other than that, it was a nice read.

    EDIT: RIP Font

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  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    thanks for the edits, mane

    However, on edit 2) I'm trying to say he was denied a contract itself, not denied by a contract.

    Also yeah, I feel you on the names, and the rest of the chapters give more names to the faces, but in military literature you have to get used to hearing a lot of names, and only really having to remember two or three.

    ye with the blouse thing, cammie tops are actually called blouses and not shirts, and the pants are called trousers. It's so that when somebody says "Grab your blouse" you can't get confused with "shirt". It's the same how our uniform shirts aren't called "Shirts", or "Charlies", since there's a million kinds. Service Charlies are "Chucks", Dress Blue Charlies are "Blue Chucks"

    No but yeah, thanks for the input.

    I've honestly been conflicted about using slang in my 3rd person writing. I want to sound professional, but I've read books where it's all professional, and they're boring. Some of the best books I've read integrate the protagonist's filter to the 3rd person writing, so that it's clear who is the main character.

    I'll keep working on it though

  4. #4
    Keikaku means plan Devour's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Find me for top tier Devour treatment ;)
    I like how good your writing's gotten. I still remember reading old excerpts of army stories from that writing forum when you were Cervantes, heh.
    The conversations are wonderful to read and all the people seem hella genuine. I need to get better at that, myself. It makes even the quiet moments of the story entertaining to read through.
    I don't have any C&C to give right now, but you're doing good stuff. Keep it up B-)
    Last edited by Devour; 09-03-2015 at 11:20 PM.

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