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Thread: "under the red moon" orginal poem

  1. #1
    Senior Member jirocho1's Avatar
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    "under the red moon" orginal poem

    under the red moon
    my lifless corpse lay
    no more days
    to say i love you
    now you see
    the true side of me
    deep within thistourmented soul
    lies a hero
    truly i have died for a great cost
    but at what loss
    you take my hand
    but you drop it in the sand
    just like my heart
    it turns to ashes
    cause you burned it away
    today was gonna be the day
    that evrything was gonna come out
    but now you shout my name
    in pain


    tell me what you guys think and if you would like to see more

  2. #2
    Senior Member S.A.'s Avatar
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    Nice. I like the fact that this poem could be sung by either a boy or a girl.
    If you've got more then keep 'em coming!
    ⇑ By, Zero.
    🔥The Lighter of TOXIGEN🔥
    'tis the one and only
    Agmus Flames

  3. #3
    Keikaku means plan Devour's Avatar
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    I would at least make sure you don't have any typos and that everything is spelled right before posting this like it's done It's important to have those fixed, because errors will throw somebody right out of the immersion of reading.

  4. #4
    The dude with chopsticks Kahnzu-kun's Avatar
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    "Truly I have died for a great cost / but at what loss"

    The poem is pretty good, but those two lines seem off. There isn't much reference to the cause or reason of the death. Unless it's a metaphor for heartbreak or something.


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  5. #5
    Junior Memeber Smile's Avatar
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    What's the significance of the red moon? Usually it symbolizes something that happens rarely, but I don't think that fits in this poem.

    truly i have died for a great cost
    but at what loss
    do you mean "cause"?

    you take my hand
    but you drop it in the sand
    just like my heart
    it turns to ashes
    cause you burned it away
    wait what did he/she do to your hand again?

    today was gonna be the day
    that everything was gonna come out
    but now you shout my name
    in pain
    What's going to come out? Are you raping him/her?

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