A Reaper meets an Angel | StickPage Forums

S: Well, this is a piece that I wrote, as English isn't my first language it could have some errors, so please tell me. This story is based on two characters that I made. One is a rich guy that lost his father long time ago, and the other a pianist that wants to be free. Please enjoy it.

A Reaper meets an Angel (Click to Show)

Alright, you asked for the critique so here it is.

The first thing I noticed is rather trivial, but you always say "he had (so many) years old". Are you French or something? :D.
You say "he was (so many) years old". Just thought I'd point that out.

Now, I haven't found any real issues with your story itself. It progresses well and there isn't any leaps in storytelling or gaps in logic. You raise questions in the reader and then answer them. The bond between father and son is sketched, then you immediately inform us that he is gone and also tell us how and so forth. All in all, there's lots of potential here, from here on out it's just a matter of polishing your stories and acquiring new insights in storytelling like all of us do.

That being said, time for some nitpicks ;

He was still being the same child that watched the death of his father by hands of that mysterious black haired man. He brushed his snow white hair with his right hand, feeling the touch of his own fingers on his head as he gave a little sigh at himself.

"Why I can't let that go?... I know that it was my father, but..."

He in fact answered his own question, he was his father, his own blood, his progenitor. He couldn't let that go easily, every time that he remembered that moment, that he remembered the wicked grin of the culprit, a spark of rage and discomfort surged like a big wave and made him regret the fact that he did nothing just to watch that.

It is strange that Klaus would ask himself this question. It seems redundant just like the information that comes after it. Rather, I think it would just be easier to say ; "He was still the same child that helplessly watched as his father was killed. He felt the touch of his fingertips as he brushed through his snow white hair and sighed deeply, a spark of rage and discomfort surging through him like a wave. The memory of the culprit's wicked grin always haunted him. Why couldn't he just let it go?"

This way you avoid repeating yourself and you cut out useless dialogue. By stating it early on that he watched helplessly as his father was killed, you avoid saying that his father was killed in front of him twice in a row.

The question is also just repetition. Why would he need to confirm to himself that it is his father? The message behind the question is simply that he has trouble letting go of the situation, which you can make apparent through other means. It's an emotional moment so you can convey it purely through his emotions and thoughts.

He guided his sight to his left hand and as he lifted it up, not too close to his chest and opened it to let him see his palm. A flame was born slowly in the middle of the surface of his hand, growing slowly to be a full fledged fireball, then it separated, starting to form what it looked like a staff, changing the tonality from orange to black in just seconds and letting see an almost floral design of golden markings going through the now slightly curved staff. When the flame finished to form what it looked like a bended over polearm now, a greater fire was born in the upper endpoint of the pole. A blade was formed as the flame moved forward and slightly bending over the right.

This is a lot of exposition to say that he forms a scythe from a flame in his right hand. If you want to elaborate on the details of the weapon, such as the floral design of golden markings, then you can simply paraphrase all this exposition into an action he performs while he is speaking later on ;

' "My companion, my scythe. You were product of my wish to kill the assassin of my father... Thanks for being with me all the time....". He eyed the weapon's floral design of golden markings as he spoke'

(that's a bit of a sloppy sentence, but you can do something like that)

OR you can weave it into an action he later performs ;

'He smiled weakly as grabbed the scythe with his right hand and passed his left thumb over the blade, specifically where it had an inscription.
->
'He smiled weakly as he grabbed the scythe with his right hand and passed his left thumb first over the curved staff with the floral design, and then over the blade, specifically where it had an inscription.'

"Young man, I am not a reaper. I am a human, just with the power of Pyrokinesis and summon a scythe. That's all"

You later on continue to refer to him as a reaper. You're sending mixed signals to me here man D: .

I am known as the White Haired Death God.

Right, now, Freeze Kaiser (What a ridiculous name... Freeze Emperor? It's like he was born for his ice powers!) seems quite trusting of a guy with a scythe who just appeared behind him. But alright, I suppose he's a trusting fellow and he joins Klaus and sits next to him.
Now, if I were Freeze and I was even remotely jumpy, and someone comes up to me and calls himself that I'd be out of there.

The name seems very out of place for Klaus too. He doesn't seem like a guy who goes around killing people all the time, frankly he seems like a nice dude, and there isn't much "Godly" about him (as you explained yourself), so why is he known by that name? It strikes me as very odd. (I mentioned this in your wRHG page too).

They both seem to be quite trusting towards one another despite being complete strangers, but it happens and we don't have to waste time on them being dodgy towards one another so that's fine. I was gonna make some remark on it being quite the coincidence that they just so both happen to be here and just so both happen to share the same power, but well that's the stuff of stories anyways so don't worry about that.

As for the rest, it all looks fine. There's some mistakes in the way you make your sentences and some of the words used are a bit weird (progenitor for parent/father? Who says that D: ?), and it's a bit of a nuisance while reading and takes away from the quality of the story, but all in all it's fine. We all start somewhere. I suggest just reading a lot more in English (reading the stories here is a good start) and just practicing. If you have to you can always run your story past someone with a sufficient grasp of the English language to correct your mistakes.

That being said, there's a lot of potential here so just keep working on it. I hope to be seeing more of you.

EDIT ; Oh also I'm posting this here and not PM'ing it to you so this thread can get some more attention.