some swearing, some explicit content
RAGNOR'S DAILY ROUTINE (Click to Show)
The alarm clock ringed atop the bedside table, a meter away from the sleeping man in his bed. The ringing sound kickstarted an anger in him, so he brought his hand up, clenched it into a mighty fist and… stretched, before turning the clock up. He sat up and flexed his body to help shove the sleep off, then a giant fucking pirate ship annihilated him and his house as Ragnor fucking drove through it.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” screamed the captain, stood upon the bow, giant chainsword in hand, revving up a storm as he commanded the ship to sail across the goddamn land. Soon, he lowered his sword, commanding the ship to halt upon the parking lot of the market. Though he wasn’t a dick and had it park between the lines, despite the sheer size of it crushing several rows of cars. Ragnor didn’t give a shit. Ragnor had eggs to buy.
The behemoth of a swole bastard leapt from his ship and let his boots grace the parking lot tarmac with a hefty boom. He didn’t do the superhero pose, Ragnor didn’t need to pull that stuff off to look any more magnificent. There he stood, with his rusted sheet metal kilt, leather boots, body rippling in muscle- well, I say rippling, it’s more like a bermuda triangle of swole- with the giant great-chainsword slung over his back. The braided golden beard of Ragnor hung down to his belly button, the long flowing hair atop his head ceaselessly waving in the breeze. Whether there was actually a breeze or not was unimportant. The hair must flow.
Casting a scowling frown over to the ship, he grunted, “RRHG.” The ship shuddered, promising not to move an inch. Rag nodded to himself, content, and began to make his badass-ass way to the supermarket.
A greeter came up, “Hello, sir, welcome to-” Ragnor waved them away with a flick of his beard and carried on. He didn’t need no damn greeter. As he strode through the aisles, he noticed all sorts. Drinks, meats, seasonings, utensils, all of it. He wouldn’t need a shopping basket since his meaty man-hooks were just enough. Carefully, he collected a tray of 12 eggs, half a pig’s worth of bacon and sausage, and a metal keg of ale.
When he paid for them, he took a coin purse from his waist and gave the exact fucking amount. Rag don’t play.
Returning to his ship, he let down a hatch and stepped aboard, placing the keg down so he could rub the wooden interior of the vessel, calming down his constant yell of rage- yes, he was screaming constantly in the store, people knew better than to question it- to a quiet “Shhh, shhh…” to help calm the ship down. He looked after his own. The hatch came up, and he collected his items and went to the ship’s kitchen.
The eggs were all cracked and set upon a large metal pan, and all the bacon and sausage was placed in yet another pan, a helping of ale set in each to help add flavour. Then Ragnor pulled up a chair, sat down, and stared at the pans. He stared like they owed him money, like they wronged him, like they dared just touch his fucking beard. His hair began to wave faster, his constant yell was stifled by his clenched, bared teeth, spittle flying out from the constant “RRGGGHHHHHHHH” that emanated from his maw. Rag kept this up, even as the sound of sizzling could be heard, the pans shivering in terror to the point where the sheer friction heated them up.
After a straight twenty minutes of nothing but visual interrogation, Rag took a cloth, tidied himself up from the seething spittle, and calmly set the chair under a table. Food was done. Taking a large plate, he set all the meat and eggs onto it, then set it down upon a table where he’d take up a knife and fork and enjoy his meal, releasing a satisfactory scream between each mouthful.
Now that was done, it was time to get to the sea.
Stood upon the bow once more, sword unslung, he revved it up and pointed the blade due north, the ship following command and starting to follow the blade’s direction. He took the vessel upon the motorway, the thing cleaving concrete and tarmac apart behind them, as it sailed onward. Onlookers would see a giant pirate ship, cannons and all, just driving down the road at a steady 100kmh, a giant muscled man atop yelling in the distance, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” as it head toward the horizon.
As soon as the ship hit water, Ragnor was already heading down under docks to the captain’s room, checking out the few rolled-up, large maps that were set upon his table. Some detailed treasures, others great taverns, and one mostly covered in lines. That one detailed where Ragnor had already travelled, planning to scream and stand atop every single part of land the Earth offered. At the far corner of the map, there was a single well-written word, “Moon?” Though that was for another day.
Ragnor had his comfortable day’s start, and decided to go full Ragnor for the rest of the day. Yeah, it’s time.
Map in hand, he took up to the ship’s deck, screaming harder than a triggered tumblrite the whole way. “RRRGH” he grunted at the wheel, and it began to spin, setting the ship upon a new course. Toward the land of bars: Britain.
The trip took mere hours. Ragnor stood at the back end of his ship, screaming bloody murder at the trails of water left in its wake. The sea itself was so intimidated that every time the ship touched it, it practically flung the vessel away. All Ragnor had to do was aim it. This relationship between Ragnor and the ocean had been like this for many decades. He had sailed across its surface for well over a century, age being nothing to Ragnor. Death once touched him and died, but don’t worry, Death managed to walk it off. They’ve been friends ever since. Even play poker some Saturday nights. He was a good guy. Rag thought he was just misunderstood.
The barbarian’s stare calmed down to let the ship ease into the British ports, and then it was onward to the bar. Hopping off onto the pier, Ragnor started his trek toward the inland. But, oh no, there was someone there. Something.
Rag had just found the door of the bar he was about to settle in to, but then he felt something off behind him. He turned around, and there it was. A weird, brown-coloured automaton. Some sort of clockwork creature. It edged its way over to the behemoth of muscle and asked “ay lol do u kno where teh laidez are at?”
Ragnor quickly made it explode with a punch. But weirdly enough, the edgy shitey OC instead flung backwards and went into some half-demon half-robot mode. Yeah, you got me there too, buddy. “AAAAAAAAAAAA” Ragnor replied to this tomfoolery, angered even more than normal. The thing tried to fling itself at Rag, blades in a flurry, but the muscled man just uppercutted the fucker to the moon. It was a long journey, but it’d find some black oily alien on the moon that’d be like “‘sup” and then Steam would be like “bro u got panties?” and then the black oil bro would just be like “Ugh, first company I get in ages, and it’s this tosser.”
Ragnor would quickly find Steam punched back down to Earth- oddly enough, right down in front of him- but the dude just exploded into a mess of cogs, steam and preteen dreams. He shrugged and returned to the bar, where he’d step inside and enjoy a tasteful pint of stout. Then he just got crunk for the rest of the day. Fun was had. Zimbabwe exploded. NASA heard loud weeping from the moon again. It was a good day.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” screamed the captain, stood upon the bow, giant chainsword in hand, revving up a storm as he commanded the ship to sail across the goddamn land. Soon, he lowered his sword, commanding the ship to halt upon the parking lot of the market. Though he wasn’t a dick and had it park between the lines, despite the sheer size of it crushing several rows of cars. Ragnor didn’t give a shit. Ragnor had eggs to buy.
The behemoth of a swole bastard leapt from his ship and let his boots grace the parking lot tarmac with a hefty boom. He didn’t do the superhero pose, Ragnor didn’t need to pull that stuff off to look any more magnificent. There he stood, with his rusted sheet metal kilt, leather boots, body rippling in muscle- well, I say rippling, it’s more like a bermuda triangle of swole- with the giant great-chainsword slung over his back. The braided golden beard of Ragnor hung down to his belly button, the long flowing hair atop his head ceaselessly waving in the breeze. Whether there was actually a breeze or not was unimportant. The hair must flow.
Casting a scowling frown over to the ship, he grunted, “RRHG.” The ship shuddered, promising not to move an inch. Rag nodded to himself, content, and began to make his badass-ass way to the supermarket.
A greeter came up, “Hello, sir, welcome to-” Ragnor waved them away with a flick of his beard and carried on. He didn’t need no damn greeter. As he strode through the aisles, he noticed all sorts. Drinks, meats, seasonings, utensils, all of it. He wouldn’t need a shopping basket since his meaty man-hooks were just enough. Carefully, he collected a tray of 12 eggs, half a pig’s worth of bacon and sausage, and a metal keg of ale.
When he paid for them, he took a coin purse from his waist and gave the exact fucking amount. Rag don’t play.
Returning to his ship, he let down a hatch and stepped aboard, placing the keg down so he could rub the wooden interior of the vessel, calming down his constant yell of rage- yes, he was screaming constantly in the store, people knew better than to question it- to a quiet “Shhh, shhh…” to help calm the ship down. He looked after his own. The hatch came up, and he collected his items and went to the ship’s kitchen.
The eggs were all cracked and set upon a large metal pan, and all the bacon and sausage was placed in yet another pan, a helping of ale set in each to help add flavour. Then Ragnor pulled up a chair, sat down, and stared at the pans. He stared like they owed him money, like they wronged him, like they dared just touch his fucking beard. His hair began to wave faster, his constant yell was stifled by his clenched, bared teeth, spittle flying out from the constant “RRGGGHHHHHHHH” that emanated from his maw. Rag kept this up, even as the sound of sizzling could be heard, the pans shivering in terror to the point where the sheer friction heated them up.
After a straight twenty minutes of nothing but visual interrogation, Rag took a cloth, tidied himself up from the seething spittle, and calmly set the chair under a table. Food was done. Taking a large plate, he set all the meat and eggs onto it, then set it down upon a table where he’d take up a knife and fork and enjoy his meal, releasing a satisfactory scream between each mouthful.
Now that was done, it was time to get to the sea.
Stood upon the bow once more, sword unslung, he revved it up and pointed the blade due north, the ship following command and starting to follow the blade’s direction. He took the vessel upon the motorway, the thing cleaving concrete and tarmac apart behind them, as it sailed onward. Onlookers would see a giant pirate ship, cannons and all, just driving down the road at a steady 100kmh, a giant muscled man atop yelling in the distance, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” as it head toward the horizon.
As soon as the ship hit water, Ragnor was already heading down under docks to the captain’s room, checking out the few rolled-up, large maps that were set upon his table. Some detailed treasures, others great taverns, and one mostly covered in lines. That one detailed where Ragnor had already travelled, planning to scream and stand atop every single part of land the Earth offered. At the far corner of the map, there was a single well-written word, “Moon?” Though that was for another day.
Ragnor had his comfortable day’s start, and decided to go full Ragnor for the rest of the day. Yeah, it’s time.
Map in hand, he took up to the ship’s deck, screaming harder than a triggered tumblrite the whole way. “RRRGH” he grunted at the wheel, and it began to spin, setting the ship upon a new course. Toward the land of bars: Britain.
The trip took mere hours. Ragnor stood at the back end of his ship, screaming bloody murder at the trails of water left in its wake. The sea itself was so intimidated that every time the ship touched it, it practically flung the vessel away. All Ragnor had to do was aim it. This relationship between Ragnor and the ocean had been like this for many decades. He had sailed across its surface for well over a century, age being nothing to Ragnor. Death once touched him and died, but don’t worry, Death managed to walk it off. They’ve been friends ever since. Even play poker some Saturday nights. He was a good guy. Rag thought he was just misunderstood.
The barbarian’s stare calmed down to let the ship ease into the British ports, and then it was onward to the bar. Hopping off onto the pier, Ragnor started his trek toward the inland. But, oh no, there was someone there. Something.
Rag had just found the door of the bar he was about to settle in to, but then he felt something off behind him. He turned around, and there it was. A weird, brown-coloured automaton. Some sort of clockwork creature. It edged its way over to the behemoth of muscle and asked “ay lol do u kno where teh laidez are at?”
Ragnor quickly made it explode with a punch. But weirdly enough, the edgy shitey OC instead flung backwards and went into some half-demon half-robot mode. Yeah, you got me there too, buddy. “AAAAAAAAAAAA” Ragnor replied to this tomfoolery, angered even more than normal. The thing tried to fling itself at Rag, blades in a flurry, but the muscled man just uppercutted the fucker to the moon. It was a long journey, but it’d find some black oily alien on the moon that’d be like “‘sup” and then Steam would be like “bro u got panties?” and then the black oil bro would just be like “Ugh, first company I get in ages, and it’s this tosser.”
Ragnor would quickly find Steam punched back down to Earth- oddly enough, right down in front of him- but the dude just exploded into a mess of cogs, steam and preteen dreams. He shrugged and returned to the bar, where he’d step inside and enjoy a tasteful pint of stout. Then he just got crunk for the rest of the day. Fun was had. Zimbabwe exploded. NASA heard loud weeping from the moon again. It was a good day.
hey brad man this aint what you think (Click to Show)
sup my dudes its ya B, alvin pussyslaya harrison here ta giv a statement
so i was walking down the street yesterday and well holy mother of dawgs cus i see this bitch rite
reel cute like, girls got on a leash and shit, she walkin her mans down the street n shit
‘cept the mans tho, maaaan, i dun see’d this man before n i NO he bad news, numsain- he pullin bitches nd all but ery bitch he get leave all knocked up like- girls runnin off middle of the nite, gaddam humane society up in this dudes busness numsain, like he up to sum shady shit!
but i’s with my boy brad numsain so i feel safe n shit so im like ay gurl whatchyo name whatchu doin out these parts, turns out her names caseyquineequa.
yea das rite, caseyquineequa! u kno the one!!
so anyways man she fine as fuc rite so once i get her name nd shit i’m like yo brad, u gotta let me go hang out with this girl she fine numsain rite, but yknow brad and i know brad, and i know casey’s dude rex man, that dawg don’t play- so what i do rite is say ay yo casey, casey my B, imma come over one night you feel, nah not just any night girl, we gon get it TONIGHT, numsain, nd shes like ye alvin y’know whats up, i no u gon do me rite but that dude rex dawg, u gotta watch out for that dawg rex numsain, dudes got issues nd if he see us together man- which like he see us together already rite but brads there, cept brad aint gon be there tonite so if wes gonna get it man like that dawg rex yo he cant be seein us and im like yea girl you already know that dawg rex aint gonna be lookin at u like that no more n shit.
so me and that girl casey rite, we say our goodbyes, but we gotta be real sneaky bout it like cussa rex so i cant be lickin on her n shit or whatever but man you know i winked dawg and bruh she winked back but my man she had her tongue out nd everything like, you know she want it dawg
which then i look up at you man, and yous confused as shit but i just keep lookin man then i see it like yea i know you saw that shit dawg, you know whats bout to happen once we get home and ya let me outside for the night you feel
so i mean i walk ya home nd shit, nd like you cleaned that shit up and shit man like you put it in a damn trashbag and everything man like nobody asked you to do that but u know you sweet as hell for doin that shit with my shit dawg, specially when we get home and like i aint got nowhere else to put it numsain, you always there for me with that yo brad
so we inside and we cuddlin in shit- not like all homo or nothin but like i layin down nd you scratchin my belly nd shit like damn dawg you know that shit do me rite nd shit rite so yea we do that for a bit and man i aint even gonna lie yo like i fell asleep witchu doin that man, then i get up nd u gone like- and its dark out nd shit and im like oh shit man casey, gotta get out nd go fux wit casey
so i run out thru the cat flap nd shit man, fast as hell lookin round, yellin out like woof woof n shit y’know holla bitch where u at u kno, casey where u at b, cus like its me alvin dawg i kno im late nd shit but like girl where u at i be needin u or whatever when like i just hear like this fucking whimpering man like, somebody’s fucking cryin they eyes out and at first i’m bout to go getchu cus like bruh that sound like emma y’know, that girl you like y’know, that tall one, but then i’m like yo wait a second cus- that aint no goddamn emma, that’s muh girl casey quinee numsain like she out here she hurtin, maybe some dude up in there wit her like i dunno man like that dawg rex y’know he into sum weird shit prolly man so- i walk on over ta see whats up and bruh i swear to god there a fuckin coyote nailin this chick in the ass like, first i’m all jealous like damn casey how u gon do me like that but yo casey aint having it dawg, that damn coyote fuckin nailin her down numsain, bitin her on the backa the neck n shit man like fuck dawg, so I start barkin nd shit, course then them lights start turning on numsain like people wonderin what the hells goin on out here nd shit even u brad
but like I aint gon let that stop me from tryna help casey numsain so i mean i run at that coyote, start slashin at it n shit, bitin, all that shit numsain so she dont bleed outta here or nothing but then that dawg rex come out and man he got that- he got that boomstick nd shit dawg, i just look over man and i just hear boom nd shit man, then you hear it too man and all of a sudden u both there, me nd casey still here but that coyote he ain’t nowhere here man, but yall see us two nd like shit looks bad as fuck dawg, im all covered in blood nd shit like, she covered in blood n shit like-
but worst part is man like this whole thing just made me hard like, y’know like my dick hard and shit and i dunno if its bein by casey or that morning wood from after u been scratchin my belly n shit man ya feel brad but like i know what it looked like man but it just- that aint what happened dawg, it was that coyote
but that man rex be callin up the pound nd shit dawg, like you gotta set that man straight yo like i be tellin u it just that coyote man hell, that wiley-ass bitch still out there bleedin numsain like he gon be back for more and casey aint into that fuckshit man i seen it- aint nobody into that fuckshit man i just had a boner from when u scratchin my belly n shit man no homo
but u don’t belie me brad
ya don’t fuckin belie me
so i was walking down the street yesterday and well holy mother of dawgs cus i see this bitch rite
reel cute like, girls got on a leash and shit, she walkin her mans down the street n shit
‘cept the mans tho, maaaan, i dun see’d this man before n i NO he bad news, numsain- he pullin bitches nd all but ery bitch he get leave all knocked up like- girls runnin off middle of the nite, gaddam humane society up in this dudes busness numsain, like he up to sum shady shit!
but i’s with my boy brad numsain so i feel safe n shit so im like ay gurl whatchyo name whatchu doin out these parts, turns out her names caseyquineequa.
yea das rite, caseyquineequa! u kno the one!!
so anyways man she fine as fuc rite so once i get her name nd shit i’m like yo brad, u gotta let me go hang out with this girl she fine numsain rite, but yknow brad and i know brad, and i know casey’s dude rex man, that dawg don’t play- so what i do rite is say ay yo casey, casey my B, imma come over one night you feel, nah not just any night girl, we gon get it TONIGHT, numsain, nd shes like ye alvin y’know whats up, i no u gon do me rite but that dude rex dawg, u gotta watch out for that dawg rex numsain, dudes got issues nd if he see us together man- which like he see us together already rite but brads there, cept brad aint gon be there tonite so if wes gonna get it man like that dawg rex yo he cant be seein us and im like yea girl you already know that dawg rex aint gonna be lookin at u like that no more n shit.
so me and that girl casey rite, we say our goodbyes, but we gotta be real sneaky bout it like cussa rex so i cant be lickin on her n shit or whatever but man you know i winked dawg and bruh she winked back but my man she had her tongue out nd everything like, you know she want it dawg
which then i look up at you man, and yous confused as shit but i just keep lookin man then i see it like yea i know you saw that shit dawg, you know whats bout to happen once we get home and ya let me outside for the night you feel
so i mean i walk ya home nd shit, nd like you cleaned that shit up and shit man like you put it in a damn trashbag and everything man like nobody asked you to do that but u know you sweet as hell for doin that shit with my shit dawg, specially when we get home and like i aint got nowhere else to put it numsain, you always there for me with that yo brad
so we inside and we cuddlin in shit- not like all homo or nothin but like i layin down nd you scratchin my belly nd shit like damn dawg you know that shit do me rite nd shit rite so yea we do that for a bit and man i aint even gonna lie yo like i fell asleep witchu doin that man, then i get up nd u gone like- and its dark out nd shit and im like oh shit man casey, gotta get out nd go fux wit casey
so i run out thru the cat flap nd shit man, fast as hell lookin round, yellin out like woof woof n shit y’know holla bitch where u at u kno, casey where u at b, cus like its me alvin dawg i kno im late nd shit but like girl where u at i be needin u or whatever when like i just hear like this fucking whimpering man like, somebody’s fucking cryin they eyes out and at first i’m bout to go getchu cus like bruh that sound like emma y’know, that girl you like y’know, that tall one, but then i’m like yo wait a second cus- that aint no goddamn emma, that’s muh girl casey quinee numsain like she out here she hurtin, maybe some dude up in there wit her like i dunno man like that dawg rex y’know he into sum weird shit prolly man so- i walk on over ta see whats up and bruh i swear to god there a fuckin coyote nailin this chick in the ass like, first i’m all jealous like damn casey how u gon do me like that but yo casey aint having it dawg, that damn coyote fuckin nailin her down numsain, bitin her on the backa the neck n shit man like fuck dawg, so I start barkin nd shit, course then them lights start turning on numsain like people wonderin what the hells goin on out here nd shit even u brad
but like I aint gon let that stop me from tryna help casey numsain so i mean i run at that coyote, start slashin at it n shit, bitin, all that shit numsain so she dont bleed outta here or nothing but then that dawg rex come out and man he got that- he got that boomstick nd shit dawg, i just look over man and i just hear boom nd shit man, then you hear it too man and all of a sudden u both there, me nd casey still here but that coyote he ain’t nowhere here man, but yall see us two nd like shit looks bad as fuck dawg, im all covered in blood nd shit like, she covered in blood n shit like-
but worst part is man like this whole thing just made me hard like, y’know like my dick hard and shit and i dunno if its bein by casey or that morning wood from after u been scratchin my belly n shit man ya feel brad but like i know what it looked like man but it just- that aint what happened dawg, it was that coyote
but that man rex be callin up the pound nd shit dawg, like you gotta set that man straight yo like i be tellin u it just that coyote man hell, that wiley-ass bitch still out there bleedin numsain like he gon be back for more and casey aint into that fuckshit man i seen it- aint nobody into that fuckshit man i just had a boner from when u scratchin my belly n shit man no homo
but u don’t belie me brad
ya don’t fuckin belie me
richardlongflop:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LdSfU0qA6b-obdu0UWbTgbdjnBi13jINtRprIoYZyh4/edit
chromium7:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GMUCmgUWDQuSCcrHfLKky40nIJ_R1xPNZ5gIlpqeDJY/edit
