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Manny Ken (Azure) vs Fred (buckethead)

Started by: Azure | Replies: 4 | Views: 1,387

Azure
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Dec 23, 2016 7:59 PM #1471149
So, this battle had no formal due date initially, it was simply due "around Christmas time." I've spoken with my opponent several times and my most recent two PMs, trying to verify how far along he is as well as to set an ultimatum, seem to have gone ignored. So, I'll be posting my half of the battle. If he comes and posts his battle by Christmas, I'll set up a poll, but as things currently stand, I'm taking this as a forfeit on buckethead's end. The conditions for the battle were that we needed a minimum of 5K words.

Here is a link to the battle on GDocs.

Spoiler (Click to Show)
ess I so needed,
But the feeling of not being empty.”
-Jonathan Foer
~~~~~
Manny watched the night sky with a strange sense of calm about him. How long had it been since he first opened his eyes? How long had he gone about now? He was old; not ancient of course, but he was old. Old enough for time to have eroded his past, old enough to question why he bothered to still stick around.

Of course, he knew he could never end his own life. Of course, he wasn’t exactly alive to begin with, but at the same time, he wasn’t exactly not-alive. That was more or less the problem though. He lived his not-life long enough to question why he was forced to continue on with no ability to end it all. His master had seen to it that he’d be a force nigh unstoppable, but had failed to consider what to do when it was no longer needed. Manny was here, trapped by the sins of another.

For a while, fighting worked. It was what he was originally made for, it was what he was good at, and most importantly, it felt right. And as he fought, he met others. Fighting was how he found Kizu, after all, and he found something else to hold him grounded: love. Kizu was the best and worst thing to happen to him. While she allowed him to feel love and often provided it, she also left him with guilt. Love wasn’t enough anymore. More and more often, he found himself like this, just thinking. And when he thought, the emptiness inside of him seemed to widen.

With a grunt, he gets to his feet. “Fuck moping about,” he says aloud, more to prove he can say the words than any other reason. “I’m here, I’m still kicking, so I’m gonna do something.” He looked down from the top of the building he was standing upon. It was some random tower in the city; likely it belonged to some rich asshole with too much time and money. Without a thought, he lets himself fall from it backwards. He calmly watches the lights of the city fly by in an inspiring display as he steadily heads for a meeting between his head and the pavement, courtesy of their mutual contact, the laws of physics. With a soft thud, he lands on the ground, taking but a moment to find his way to his feet. There are a few screams from those who saw his fall and his brushing it off; it didn’t really register with him much.

What did register, however, was the thing standing in front of him. It was… a dummy? Yep, it was a training dummy, and it was dressed in some kind of ridiculous outfit. Made out of some tan fabric and wearing a tasteless outfit consisting of a brown shirt with a bucket on it and some prison convict orange pants, his silliness was accentuated with the silver bucket resting precariously atop his head. The dummy’s pupiless eyes were a bright blue and stared at Manny with just as much confusion, and a zipper stretched across his face where a mouth would be.

The screams surrounding them drowned out Manny’s voice as he asked a single, simple question: “The fuck is this nonsense?”

The dummy, snapping from his reverie, waves his hand to Manny, seeming to want him to follow. Slinging his pickax over his shoulder, he follows along, if only to figure out just what the fuck this nonsense was. The duo of puppets made their way away from the crowd, ducking down a few alleys before Manny came to a stop. The dummy stopped a moment later, no longer hearing Manny’s footsteps. Checking the sound levels, Manny decides he can be properly heard now.

“Ok, nice and quiet. So, I’ll ask you again: the fuck is this nonsense?”

The dummy looks at him a moment, before unzipping his mouth. “I should be asking you that. What the heck are you doing, causing a scene like that? Don’t you know somebody could’ve gotten hurt?”

Manny just blinks. “Do… do I look like I care if somebody got hurt? I wanna know who and what the fuck you are, and why I shouldn’t find somebody’s head to smash in.”

The dummy places his hand to the side of his head, an act that looked almost comical with the bucket placed on it. Manny wasn’t laughing. The dummy nods to himself, but meeting Manny’s eye. “Alright, let’s try to go through this in order then. I’ll answer your questions, you answer mine.” Manny folds his arms and waits. “So, to answer who I am, my name is Fred-”

Manny stops him right there. “That’s it. I’m done. We’re done. You’re obviously somebody’s bad idea of a joke.” He starts walking off. “I ain’t got time for no jokes. Seriously, you’re almost insulting. Go back to the factory that made you and kindly ask to be disassembled.” As he’s moving, he feels Fred grab his jacket.

“I wasn’t finished, and you didn’t answer any of my questions.”

“Both of those statements are accurate,” Manny says, keeping his voice level, “and just as accurate is my lack of interest. Now, you’re either going to let go, or you’re going to lose that arm.” Fred lets him go. “That’s what I thought.”

“I work for the RHG Organization. I have some questions that I want answered.” Manny’s eyes narrow, and he turns around to face the dummy, who seems more… focused. More in the moment.

“So, you’re an Organization dog, huh? Alright, I’ve got some time to kill. Are you some kind of experiment to recreate me or something?”

“I’m asking the questions at the moment,” is Fred’s retort. Manny withholds a growl. “Now, first, some clarification. You, Manny Ken, are documented as being within the RHG Organization as a gladiator roughly twenty-five years ago. You were in the Organization for about five years, before disappearing entirely. That said, there is one documented incident in which a very important man went missing about ten years ago. A very important man with very sensitive information. It is around this same time that you showed back up in our network. It has become apparent to the Organization that you know more than should be known by anyone not loyal to their causes, and outside of the very highest echelon. My question to you is this: are you the one who took the executive?”

For a few minutes, Manny is entirely quiet, simply looking to the sky. When he finally answers, he does so with a voice expressing just how bored he is. “Yep. And he’s dead. And you all knew it already, which is why you tried to kill him yourselves, not that I didn’t expect it. See, I needed to ensure that my documents were scrubbed nice and clean, and he was the only one who could ensure I got into it. I never had much on my record, but there were things I needed to ensure weren’t there. Same with another file, but that doesn’t matter. Is that enough for your masters, little dog?”

“It is more than enough. These actions cannot go unpunished. I’ve been asked to escort you to a private area to dispose of you. I’ve been authorized to use force as necessary.”

Manny finally bursts into laughter. “Oh sweet baby Lucifer, you are just the saddest fucker they could’ve ever come up with. Oh shit man, you are too fucking much. You’re such a goddamn lap dog, fuck. Alright, alright, show me to wherever this kill zone of yours is. I had time to kill anyways, and kicking your ass will certainly make me feel better.” Manny follows along as Fred leads him further into the dark underbelly of the city. “So, I’m guessing it’s my turn for a question, huh? Where did they make a cheap knockoff like you?”

Fred is a bit slow to reply. “I am not a knockoff of you. I am a training dummy made for gladiatorial use. As their training drones became more advanced, my line was retired and placed in storage. One day, I simply… woke up. The reasons behind it are unknown, and I don’t particularly care to know them.”

“So, a training dummy just happens to come to life, and decides to work for the people that made it and probably thousands of others like it for the simple purpose of being destroyed, and at no point does it question any of that? I mean, you hear how ridiculous that is, right? Maybe it’s just because I’m old enough to be self aware, but you’ve got an interesting lack of concern in some important parts of your life. Well, I mean, I guess you’re like me in that respect, huh? Not really alive, not really lifeless. Can’t really kill something that ain’t alive, now can you? That’s what you call an easy expendable.”

“And how are you alive then?”

“That’s a secret~ I know you’re in communications with your leaders, you don’t really try hiding it at all. That’s something they’d love to know, and I’m not interested in informing them of. Just like I’m not telling them where I’m from, what I’ve been doing with my time, or how I know how to avoid the RHG’s radars. Think the kitty-cat got his vacation time on his own?”

“Well, the information you possess will simply disappear with you.” Manny shakes his head.

“God, you’ve got no brains at all, huh? You can’t take me out; I’ve got too much experience compared to you, both in life and in fighting. Really, they’re just hoping you’ll distract me long enough to get a proper kill squad assembled now that they’ve got their little confession on record. Problem with that though, is that I’d probably just kill them as well, and then they’d realize how very dangerous I am. If they kept bothering me with bullshit, then I’d just start picking off the rest of their upper echelon, after giving away all those very, very nasty secrets they’ve been trying to keep hidden for a very, very long time. And I hope that line is still open for them, so they understand how this timeline of events will go on if they keep acting as though they’ve got as much power and authority as they think they have. Are we on the same page?”

“....”

“That’s what I thought. I’ve lived too long, and as much as I’d love to kick the bucket, joke not intended though I may very well see to doing so in a bit, I’m only willing to go out on my own terms. The Organization can choke on my nonexistent dick and write about that to their mothers.”

“You are extremely crass.”

“I take pride in that you know. My turn again. You got a girlfriend or boyfriend or other thing or something? I’ve met all of three living inanimate people, I’m dating one of them, and I’m pretty sure you’re not dating the other because he’s been not-so-living for a while now.”

“While it is none of your concern, yes, I have a girlfriend. She is the daughter of the scientist who first found me.”

Manny contains his laughter. “Wow. Alright then. Got it. Just… wow, you are too precious for this world. So goddamn innocent and stupid.”

“I don’t believe that was called for.”

“You wouldn’t, obviously. You don’t do much of your own thinking, do you?”

“I’ll be ignoring that.” He takes a sharp turn. Manny follows him around the corner and glances down into the sewage tunnel. Fred glances back up at him.

“I really hope you’ve got some cleaning supplies in that bucket of yours, because it’s fucking gross down there.”


“Neither of us has a nose.”

“Don’t need a nose to have standards. Good lord, this whole thing is fucked to pieces. You’ve got so many screws loose it’s a marvel your head is still on.” He drops down. Fred places his hand against an unseen panel, and the hole closes up. “How much further do we have to go? The more I talk to you, the more I can’t wait to make your face marginally more attractive by beating it in.”

“We should be there in about ten minutes, though I’ve got to say, your negativity and aggression are really bothering me. Could we perhaps spend the rest of the time in silence?” Fred’s tone seemed to finally be shifting, his attention not totally there. Manny guessed his focus was split between his radio and getting where he needed to go. It looked like his words were sinking in somewhere.

“Fine by me, honestly. You’re kind of boring anyways. I mean, it’s not your fault after all.” Manny quiets down and slowly lets his mind drift about. The evening had taken such an interesting twist. He’d honestly never expected to meet another sentient doll, especially a training dummy under the RHG’s thumb. Fred was sort of adorable, in a similar fashion to a brain damaged puppy stumbling about and trying to make sense of the world. You feel bad for it, but at the same time, you can’t help but think “D’aww, you precious little thing.” It reminded him a bit of how he used to be, back when he was first made. The world had been so strange, so surreal. He was of course made with a general understanding of everything; he shared some understandings and memories from his master, enough to allow him to properly fulfill his mission. But there were many intricacies, details to living that you had to experience. But those experiences could very easily be denied in order to use someone for your own purposes. It was what had made Kizu hate humans so thoroughly when he first met her, and what had made their other friend….

He punched himself in the face. No use digging up old wounds. The past was the past; it only held as much power as one allowed it to hold. Learn and grow, that was how developed. Still, he’d let his mind drift too close, and now the gnawing ache in his chest was returning. The futility of everything, knowing that you were essentially eternal and without reason. Manny began focusing on his surroundings once more, dragging himself out of his head. A subtle change had come about the sewage tunnel: the walls. Originally, they were made of a mix of adobe and fired brick, creating a relatively strong and resistant walling, handling a majority of major issues one might experience in a sewer. Now, however, titan brick was being used, though it was made to be given the appearance of the former. And overall superior building material, it was also overly strong and expensive for use down here.

A short time after the wall material changed, Fred pressed his hand to yet another invisible scanner of some sort, as a section disappeared and led to a stairway leading downwards. Fred steps aside and waves his hand towards the opening. “We’re here. Just down this way, and we’ll commence in battle.”

Manny shrugs, and starts making his way down. “They really have way too many secrets. Interesting that they would make a reinforced area in a sewer for a specialized combat area… sorry, ‘killing area.’ Hope they didn’t use taxpayer money. That’d certainly bunch more than a few panties, lemme tell ya. Speaking of panties, that girlfriend of yours. I’m guessing you would qualify as a sex toy, but I’m pretty sure you don’t have a dick, or even a tongue, so what exactly do you two do…?”

He finds himself getting kicked down the stairs. It seemed Fred took offense to that one.

Once Manny reaches the floor at the bottom, lights flickered to life, revealing a plain white room roughly the size of a classroom. Fred makes his way down not too long after, Manny already looking around the tiled surfaces.

“Super strong material, but not indestructible. Metallic in nature with a more marble feel to it. Probably resistant to fire, explosions, blunt force, etc. Small size and one exit-” The door closes behind Fred, sealing them in. “...to ensure the inability to escape, even in the potential event the victim manages to survive the whole ‘killing’ process, and it’s likely got a similar invisible panel in here somewhere. Gotta admit, it’s pretty classy. I’m almost impressed; might see if I can get one installed at the Night Creatures HQ.”

Fred places his hand to his head. This time, however, it wasn’t to listen in to some instructions, but rather it was out of exasperation. He’d had enough of Manny for a lifetime, but he’d have to keep dealing nonetheles
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Dec 23, 2016 8:40 PM #1471153
I literally can't give CnC on anything you guys write, because it is all too good. wat do

but in all seriousness, in his "emptiness" arc thing going on right now,this should be his new theme tune.

Also, once I finish my shit, get my act/priorities together and post an actually good version of Alice, then I will want to fight the feline monk guy. Fucking Come At me Bro
Azure
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Dec 23, 2016 8:42 PM #1471154
Leoncio is mentioned at the end of this story, and as you may have noticed, he's changed.

Also, anything is CnC for me. Just say what you think.
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Dec 23, 2016 8:52 PM #1471155
That would be why I mentioned him then, wouldn't it? :canadian:

As for CnC, I can't think of anything. It's not because I would be a hypocrite, because then I wouldn't try to think of any CnC. I just can't really find any flaws.
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Dec 25, 2016 8:27 AM #1471297
Comments that make sense first:
Your part was a great read. I loved the emotions, the path that everything took to tell the story, the ideas presented... Like how the plan to trap Manny was to seal him underground forever. Though Fred definitely had the opportunity to seal Manny inside without being locked in himself :p
I also liked how the savior was Fred's girlfriend coming there against orders. The subtleties of storytelling were awesome. I enjoyed reading this.
For C&Cing such a long story, what I did was read with Notepad opened and I wrote down my thoughts whenever I saw something that I could offer advice and improvement towards. The story was fantastic, so this is just a long collection of general advice:


“That was more or less the problem though.“
This sentence sounds better without the “though” at the end. I'd either say “But that was more or less the problem” or change nothing, but remove the “though.” Try to minimize redundancy.
___

“Fuck moping about,”he says aloud.
Switched from past tense to present tense here. You actually switched from past to present tense quite a bit in the story. I suppose I'd watch out for that.
___

“There are a few screams from those who saw his fall and his brushing it off;”
This sentence was a bit awkward. When trying to join two parts together like this, try a descriptive phrase to make the 2nd part its own thing. Perhaps something like, “from those who saw his fall, and his apparent lack of care to what just happened” for example.
___

Sometimes when people are speaking for long periods at a time, I like to break the dialogue with a small segment of what the speaker does in between breaths or some such. Unless someone's reciting a prepared speech, the speaker or the person he's talking to will likely have a reaction of some kind before he's finished talking. For some paragraphs of dialogue, they were quite interesting and colorful. But with none of these breaks between the dialogue, it left me imagining Manny saying his whole speech while standing in one place, while Fred just watched with little reaction. If you read my battle with Piston that I posted just now, I do these breaks a lot (and maybe too much) with my dialogue.


I would also work on making the dialogue flow a bit more smoothly. Lots of what people said didn't seem natural, or how people tend to speak irl. I'm not really sure how to give an example of this, except that good dialogue has a sort of rhythm to it. It should be easy to read out loud, written in the same manner that people tend to speak. The dialogue in this story was great and quite entertaining, so this is just a general improvement that I suggest.
___

Another random piece of advice while I'm reading: Try to minimize using “and” after a comma. If it's avoidable, then use an alternative since it's technically bad grammar and sounds kind of awkward.
For example, you can turn “He smashes the edge down again, and again.” into “He smashes the edge down over and over again. The upside is you can use “over and over and over and over and over” without the words growing dull as fast. It can be great for enforcing brutality.
___

“And I’m guessing that, from his being fine being stuck with me and shock at your appearance that this little endeavor of yours isn’t ordained by the RHG Organization.”
Just pointing this part out as well. The two ideas are conjoined messily in this sentence and I got tripped up reading it. I could write up an alternative that flows smoothly if you want an example, but you could probably do that yourself. I gave advice to this problem a few paragraphs up.
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