The French
Abilities (Click to Show)
The French wields the supreme baguette, a stick of bread so stale it’s turned harder than diamond. He uses this both as a sword and a clubbing weapon with which he bashes his many inferior foes into inferior paste.
Since he is the ultimate Frenchman, he is also the most ultimate quintessence of an asshole there is in the universe. So many are his insults, and so little the amount of fucks he gives about anyone else, that he can literally bend reality just by cursing at it. Legend tells that once he was pierced in the heart by a longsword and death, the grim reaper himself, came to summon the French to the realm of the dead. He responded by bitch slapping death right in the face and then insulting the poor bastard so much that death decided it wasn’t worth it and fucked off. Since no dead man is allowed to walk amongst the living, God himself reached his arm down from the heavens to pick up The French and manually carry him into heaven. The French responded by using God’s arm as a staircase straight to his magnificent, all-glorious face, which he promptly bitch slapped as well. God threw the French down to earth again and the Devil, who had been monitoring the situation on his cable TV, almost shat himself laughing. However, when the French heard satan laughing, he dug a hole straight into the bowels of hell and bitchslapped him as well, before throwing another big tantrum. Then, knowing that the other deities were also watching, he gestured to Buddha that he was watching them all; Zeus, Odin, Shiva, Gandhi... everyone knew this was a man best not triffled with.
Another critical part of his arsenal barring the baguette and the trillion insults he has up his sleeves, is a camembert so ripe, so fermented, that not even the Gods could appreciate such an abominable piece of rot. But the French is beyond the Gods’ petty tastes, and is not only capable of appreciating the taste of this fine cheese, but worshipping it, going so far as to claim that everything in the universe pales in comparison to the moment this heavenly ambrosia was made. Unfortunately for everyone else, their tastes are not as refined as the French’s, and they will most likely instantly die by its stench alone. It is said that the ninth and final circle of hell consists of Satan force-spoonfeeding you this cheese for all eternity. It is said that entire cities have rotted in the blink of an eye when the French unveiled this superdivine creation.
Lastly, he possesses a fine appetite for wines, cheeses and women, which is only mildly undercut by his incessant arrogance.
Since he is the ultimate Frenchman, he is also the most ultimate quintessence of an asshole there is in the universe. So many are his insults, and so little the amount of fucks he gives about anyone else, that he can literally bend reality just by cursing at it. Legend tells that once he was pierced in the heart by a longsword and death, the grim reaper himself, came to summon the French to the realm of the dead. He responded by bitch slapping death right in the face and then insulting the poor bastard so much that death decided it wasn’t worth it and fucked off. Since no dead man is allowed to walk amongst the living, God himself reached his arm down from the heavens to pick up The French and manually carry him into heaven. The French responded by using God’s arm as a staircase straight to his magnificent, all-glorious face, which he promptly bitch slapped as well. God threw the French down to earth again and the Devil, who had been monitoring the situation on his cable TV, almost shat himself laughing. However, when the French heard satan laughing, he dug a hole straight into the bowels of hell and bitchslapped him as well, before throwing another big tantrum. Then, knowing that the other deities were also watching, he gestured to Buddha that he was watching them all; Zeus, Odin, Shiva, Gandhi... everyone knew this was a man best not triffled with.
Another critical part of his arsenal barring the baguette and the trillion insults he has up his sleeves, is a camembert so ripe, so fermented, that not even the Gods could appreciate such an abominable piece of rot. But the French is beyond the Gods’ petty tastes, and is not only capable of appreciating the taste of this fine cheese, but worshipping it, going so far as to claim that everything in the universe pales in comparison to the moment this heavenly ambrosia was made. Unfortunately for everyone else, their tastes are not as refined as the French’s, and they will most likely instantly die by its stench alone. It is said that the ninth and final circle of hell consists of Satan force-spoonfeeding you this cheese for all eternity. It is said that entire cities have rotted in the blink of an eye when the French unveiled this superdivine creation.
Lastly, he possesses a fine appetite for wines, cheeses and women, which is only mildly undercut by his incessant arrogance.
Weaknesses (Click to Show)
Unfortunately, France’s untimely surrender in the 1940’s has permanently scarred the French, to the point where seeing a white flag will send him into a berserker rage, at which point he will manhunt every German he can find in a 100 km radius and insult them so hard that they and their entire lineage vanish in thin air. That is if they survive the baguette bludgeoning.
Furthermore, since he is French, he has the driving skills of a paralyzed sloth with no arms. I’m not sure whether this is a weakness however, because this reputation alone ensures that anyone who knows he’s coming will decide to leave their car and children and themselves at home that day. And you bet they know he’s coming, for he also suffers from such a road rage that he insults drivers on the other side of the world for ruining his view of the French landside.
It is said that he has an English half-brother, and that that man is the only one in the world who can stop him. Unfortunately, that half brother died when he was confused with a box of teabags and thrown into the Atlantic during Boston’s attempt to break the world record for biggest cup of tea in the world, which goes to show once and for all that the French will always outlive the British rosbifs.
Furthermore, since he is French, he has the driving skills of a paralyzed sloth with no arms. I’m not sure whether this is a weakness however, because this reputation alone ensures that anyone who knows he’s coming will decide to leave their car and children and themselves at home that day. And you bet they know he’s coming, for he also suffers from such a road rage that he insults drivers on the other side of the world for ruining his view of the French landside.
It is said that he has an English half-brother, and that that man is the only one in the world who can stop him. Unfortunately, that half brother died when he was confused with a box of teabags and thrown into the Atlantic during Boston’s attempt to break the world record for biggest cup of tea in the world, which goes to show once and for all that the French will always outlive the British rosbifs.
Personality (Click to Show)
He’s French, which means he’s an arrogant self-obsessed asshole with nothing but utter contempt for the rest of the world, and a special kind of hatred for the British. He doesn't speak English, he speaks Frenglish.
Appearance (Click to Show)
He wears three black berets, a red blouse with white braces and blue pants, and wears a French flag as a poncho. He doesn’t wear any shoes, this way he’s always ready to squash some grapes old-school style to make wine whenever he feels like it. He has brown eyes and a magnificent moustache, which he often twirls in his fingers because he’s French.
Demo (MUST READ) (Click to Show)
For real though ; I put quite a bit of effort into this demo to make it as funny as possible. It's only one and a half pages long, just give it a read.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...dit?usp=sharing
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...dit?usp=sharing