So, in quick response:

2) Well, you never told us what they are. So at least mention they are off "mysterious" supernatural origin. That's acceptable enough.

3) A demo's purpose is not to explain. Demo = Demonstration. Demostration does NOT equal explanation. Explain first in the post...THEN demonstrate.

10) Well, just make that point clear then, because as it stands now it SEEMS that way. That's all.


And I might be convinced. Maybe.

What about now Alphaeus? I changed some parts as promised. About the story... Eh. I don't think it is the best I can but this is it for now. Feedback on the changes are welcome.

Sooo...

I definitely like the improvements you made. The sword is something I can understand, the power-levels of his abilities more clear, etc.

That said, the shortcomings:

1) Clarity on how the powers are used. A little vague for me, merely because I don't typically read demos/stories by people unless I like their char and want to fight them. Still, they are better now!

2) Proofreading: You have a great grasp of English. Not fantastic, but certainly more than enough to do well in the Lounge. That said, many of the errors I noticed were just from lack of proofreading and typos.

3) Fuck that sexy "enter" button.

UPDATE:

Added the Canon part in the main post with some more info. Further overhauls of character might come later.

Alright, he looks a little more toned down since I last recall, but the elemental usage stuff is still vague. Can he create each one? I assume he doesn't just carry around lightning in a bottle, and if he's still learning, what types of things does he know/not know? Can he suffocate me via no air? With your second demo, he insta kills dozens of people before they have a chance to do anything (water flash freeze guy, for example, everyone with the lightning). Since you read what I wrote on the other guy, the same sniper thing applies here.