Shive Telekinetic Soldier
Telekinetic|Flight|Psionic Blast

(Shive means a split piece of wood in old English. This refers to Armand's split past.)













Points: 0/0/0

Availability: HELL YEAH

The character is pretty good. But it kinda needs more details. And also, I suggest you to press the entet button when writing in lists. The way you write it niw makes it seem kinda cramped.

Quote from Azarel CS.777

The character is pretty good. But it kinda needs more details. And also, I suggest you to press the entet button when writing in lists. The way you write it niw makes it seem kinda cramped.

I'm thinking for the cramped stuff you mean the appearance specifically?

Edit: fixed if that's what you meant

The thing about telekinesis is that it can be really powerful really easily.

He would lift lead blocks the size of refrigerators and throw them at the concrete walls of the long musty hallways or would lift himself up to automated machine guns on the wall and rip them out while bullets stopped in mid air around him. Of course he could only do feats such as these for maybe few hours at a time but that's what he was here for, to improve his powers.

Like, that is super intense. There might be one or two characters strong enough to take that on, but the overwhelming majority of fighters are much more grounded. If you plan on fighting, and fighting for a while, I really recommend toning it down a lot. Three hours is a huge amount of time, and unless you know well in advance, most people can't make high pitched noises on the fly. With claustrophobia, as someone who has a massive height problem, people with phobias tend to be pretty good at avoiding what freaks them out

Quote from Crank

The thing about telekinesis is that it can be really powerful really easily.



Like, that is super intense. There might be one or two characters strong enough to take that on, but the overwhelming majority of fighters are much more grounded. If you plan on fighting, and fighting for a while, I really recommend toning it down a lot. Three hours is a huge amount of time, and unless you know well in advance, most people can't make high pitched noises on the fly. With claustrophobia, as someone who has a massive height problem, people with phobias tend to be pretty good at avoiding what freaks them out

I just toned down the time limit on his powers to 1 hour because the more I reviewed it the more I agreed with you. Thanks for the feed back:D

Well, I mean, the time limit wasn't the only thing I recommend getting dulled down. Star Wars is pretty popular right now. Take Rey. She's pretty strong, but if she's caught unaware and sniped, none of her skills matter. If you can move people at will and blast them into bloody chunks, what they can do is irrelevant. Check out a few other profiles, would a head on fight be interesting between those two? Or would it be a one sided obliteration?

Off the top of my head, I'd say GreekGladiator's Jason is also absurdly powerful due to lack of limits, (which I have similar difficulties with) but that honestly might be the only fair fight you find.

Quote from Crank

Off the top of my head, I'd say GreekGladiator's Jason is also absurdly powerful due to lack of limits, (which I have similar difficulties with) but that honestly might be the only fair fight you find.

I beg your pardon? I have tried hard you know to balance Jason and I honestly can't see what you mean with lack of limits.

Also forgive for going off topic Saniyea. I might give my crappy CnC here later.

Quote from Crank

Well, I mean, the time limit wasn't the only thing I recommend getting dulled down. Star Wars is pretty popular right now. Take Rey. She's pretty strong, but if she's caught unaware and sniped, none of her skills matter. If you can move people at will and blast them into bloody chunks, what they can do is irrelevant. Check out a few other profiles, would a head on fight be interesting between those two? Or would it be a one sided obliteration?

Off the top of my head, I'd say GreekGladiator's Jason is also absurdly powerful due to lack of limits, (which I have similar difficulties with) but that honestly might be the only fair fight you find.

I see where your coming from but shive's abilities are more like a arrow. It's possible for him to miss or for his ability to be dodged or even deflected. And if your using the Jedi as an example, they weren't invincible. They were just difficult to beat just like any other RHG.

Soo, since no one has deigned to give you a proper CnC, I say you are worth it, so let's go!

Quote from Saniyea

Name: Shive Telekinetic Soldier

So, the second parts are self-explanatory. It seems, though, he is primarily engineered, and STS is his project name as an engineered being. You might want to explain what Shive means/stands for, since it obviously has nothing to do with his real name.

Quote from Saniyea

Telekinesis(able to lift/throw cars) Psi blast/pull(think force push/pull from star wars)

This is really, REALLY powerful, and really REALLY underexplained. I personally have no problem with the idea. It's quite simple dynamics (just curious, are you pulling the "psi blast" dynamics from DnD?) That said, you need to explain how this works. Your response to Crank's points indicate you, at least mentally, have some sort of limitations and quantifications here, but without explanations it comes across as "Shive throws stuff, smashes stuff, pushes stuff, pulls stuff. Game Over." Why? Because you give us a very blanket statement here and so people will take this at face value.

Quote from Saniyea

Teleport(3-5 feet)

This is fair enough. "Blinking" is what I'd call it more than teleporting, since I'll also assume you intend to use it to hop short distances. That's fine, but also explain this more. If you're just playing Mr. Hop-Scotch here this is a bit on the powerful side, but I don't think that's what you mean. Just flesh this and the other ability out from one-liners into small paragraphs, or at least several sentences.

Quote from Saniyea

Claustrophobia

Fair enough, but I wouldn't call this a weakness. It is a personality trait, because unless he's fighting someone whose weapons are boxes, I seriously doubt this would be a true "weakness." Sure, circumstantially this will come into play, but again -- it's a mental thing that's more personal issue/fear/dislike than "weakness." That's just my two cents, though.

Quote from Saniyea

High pitched noises(will disorient him enough to lose focus)

"Focus" -- this really sounds like a DnD Psionics inspired power set. Psionic Focus and all that. If that's the dynamic, I totally get why this is a weakness, because that's a big deal. But most people probably won't know that -- besides, if this is just a coincidence and NOT your basis, then it still means nothing to me. I mean, is he like a bat where interference disables him and causes pain? Is this like that tuning-fork thing occasionally seen in movies like Iron Man which paralyzes/knocks out folks? Again, please flesh this out to convey what you are seeing in your head.

Quote from Saniyea

and he can only use his powers for 1 hour before becoming mentally exhausted

Soo...the time limit thing really won't work. Here's why: 1 hour = 60 minutes = 3,600 seconds. Assuming it takes him 3 seconds to do something like, say stop bullets or toss a medium-sized object...that's 1,200 uses of his power at a given time. To put this in perspective, the average minigun/rotary gun would have only 200 rounds per belt/magazine. Also, a "time limit" is meaningless becasse he won't be using them consecutively. Thus, this just breaks down to "he has 3,600 seconds of usage time before he wears out"....and those 3,600 seconds can be distributed however he pleases. This is what you have CREATED, whether you meant to or not.

If you use a one-use thought process, this doesn't even work because then I could just troll him, making him toss three boxes, then walk away and wait until the exhaustion sets in an hour later. Obviously you don't mean THIS. :P

What would work, however, is an exhaustion per use rating. Each use of mental powers wears him out a bit. Now, many people will go and try to break this down by greater/lesser uses -- you can do that, although I prefer to just give a general guideline and leave those details to the writing. "Per use" is infinitely more functional in actual writing than the time-limit (which works well in games and time-based things like DnD, but not here).

Quote from Saniyea

Shive was a man once known as Armand Pavo and was born in Nashville Tennessee, to a Polish father and a Korean mother.

I just want to say these things: Armand Pavo could pass for a Hispanic name as well. Why is his name totally Polish? Didn't his Korean mother get a say? As it stands he'll have defining Asian features to a certain extent (Korean blood does that -- their features are more prominently Asian than those of, say, Japanese. Weird but true, since I've lived around significant Korean populations that have intermarried as well.)

Anyhow, just me being me. :P

Quote from Saniyea

His adolescence was pretty normal. A loving family in a middle class neighborhood in Nashville. He had friends and a life. He was even the commander of his local JROTC.

Hey, awesome! A normal person with a normal background! So far so good!

Quote from Saniyea

That all changed when he turned 18.

Nooooooooooooooooooo. He doesn't HAVE to have something bad happen. This is a literary fallacy. Conflict, development, change, and plot can come from things other than major trauma. Fun fact many people seem to miss these days. BUT, it's not an absolute killer of quality, so carry on...

Quote from Saniyea

For when he turned 18 he met his best friend, Brian Jestun. Brian was the nicest guy Armand had ever met. They would hang out every day at the local Pizza Hut. They were close. One could even describe them as brothers. It wouldn’t last. For Brian wasn't who he said he was. He was a researcher for a corporation called NexCorp. He was looking for potential candidates for the new Psionic implant imitating the powers of demons to lift objects as large as skyscrapers.

Okay, so....abductions like this DO happen pretty much every day. This is actually how they work, so good job there. That said, demons? Really? Can't one freaking soul with a dark past or evil implants NOT have a connection to demons? Demons don't normally use Psionics to lift buildings. To bend minds and enslave people and do that kind of shit? Sure....but not lifting shit. In most settings demons are super strong anyway. Please, for all that is worthy just remove this one little line about demons and you'll have a thousand times less edginess.

Quote from Saniyea

Armand was found to be the perfect candidate due to high amounts of willpower.

Waaa...?? Willpower is tied to psionics? Not really...I mean, if high willpower was all they wanted, those people are common enough, which means they didn't need to try hard or search hard. At this point I'd better believe it if you told me Brian used a brain-scanning device to test his receptiveness and mental adaptability, with willpower as a side note. Right now this is just a bit of a forced scenario IMO.

Quote from Saniyea

Nobody questioned the black van by Armand's house

Really? I mean, a black van...come on. WHITE vans are everywhere. Tons of companies use them because that's the generic color. BLACK, however, literally screams "I'm a special van doing special stuff for some private or government organization" both in fiction and real life. Somebody probably would have noticed.

If you want no one noticing, go with black.

Quote from Saniyea

or that one day Brian was gone. All people heard about was that Armand's home had burned down and his parents remains had been found. Police suspected Armand as the culprit since he nor his remains were yet to be found.

The parents don't have to die. This is another trope that doesn't need to exist. In my character, I poke fun at this background by taking it to extremes and then making a joke character out of it. In other words, I really don't like it. Now, my own opinions aside, this IS a trope that is overused. I mean, name 20 heroes off the top of your head and I can guarantee most of them had traumatic parental/family deaths in their background. Again, IRL trauma like this doesn't happen that much. IN FACT, abductions like this typically leave the parents ALIVE and unharmed (and none-the-wiser) because they use the parents as bargaining chips ("or else") with the person they abduct.

Also, police investigations -- unless someone incriminated him deliberately (which could be possible), this type of assumption wouldn't be made most likely.

Lastly, why even burn the house? That seems like a random useless act of evil (an RUAE). RUAE are to be avoided at all costs, because IRL pretty much NO ONE will do this, because it's a waste of time, resources, influence, etc.

Quote from Saniyea

What really happened was that Armand had been taken to a NexCorp blacksite for experimentation. The day they began to install the implant into Armand’s brain the screaming wouldn't stop until the next day.

Rephrased to better reflect what you want to say: "The truth, however, was that Armand had been taken to a secret NexCorp experimental lab. It was days after they installed the implant before he stopped screaming."

Quote from Saniyea

Armand survived his surgery but was now a different person. No longer was he the innocent, young boy bent on doing his parents proud. He was now a man bent on revenge for his parents and a urge to find and hunt down the person who had let this all happen.

Well, this is feasible enough. That would change him. The revenge on the parents part I think should go....just leave it with him wanting to get back at whoever stole the potential for a normal life from him. Again, the parents still being alive but constantly watched by people too powerful for him to directly oppose would be an really developmental plot point and a driving factor for him...and more logical.

Quote from Saniyea

Armand would escape from the compound. What would happen next no one would know.

Sure. Yes. I know. This is the end and that's fine. TBH, this is probably a perfectly fine ending and I shouldn't critique, but I will. I don't like "WooooOOOOOOOooooOOOOOOO and the ghost still walks these halls...looking for something no one knows....WOooooooOOOOOoOooo" endings. Occasionally they are fine, but sometimes it feels like a noncommittal way to tack a pseudo-ending on a story. Just leave it with that he planned to get revenge. Your demo describes his escape and future much better than a pair of lines in the backstory.

Quote from Saniyea

He is extremely Claustrophobic(he was kept in a cell for a year)

Ah, my Future Telepath powers clearly worked in regards to this being in Personality instead of Weakness. :P Good. I like this trait.

Quote from Saniyea

and wont speak to a person unless he trusts them due to his previous experiences with being experimented on by a friend.

"Speak" --- what do you mean? If you mean that he won't say "hi" or "I'd like a cheeseburger with fries and a coke" then that's just some ridiculousness that's totally dysfunctional. He clearly wants revenge and is angry for LOSING his normal life, so he wouldn't logically just do that.

Now, if you mean he won't interact on a personal, private manner with people, then just phrase it as "He will not get into personal relationships or talk about himself to a someone unless..."

Quote from Saniyea

When he has an objective however he will not let it go.

The "however" part doesn't belong here. Just a simple note. He's got willpower.

Quote from Saniyea

Real name: Armand Pavo.
Age:21
Height: 6 ft
Hair: Gray Black
Eyes: Brown
Ethnicity: Mixed(Korean/Polish)
BodyType: Think a slightly malnourished silverback gorilla
Religion: Lutheran
Gender:Male

Well, I was originally going to say, "Fine, but religion seems a bit odd here and irrelevant. Still, that is your decision, the more info the merrier!" But I'm not. Because I caught this:

Quote from Saniyea

BodyType: Think a slightly malnourished silverback gorilla

Sooooooooooooo. Ahahahaha. Nah mate. He uses his MIND. His MIND. His MIND. NOT his body. Do note this. You insinuate he's a skinny gorilla. Now, a Silverback Gorilla can weigh more than several grown men combined. They can many times the strength of a man, and essentially no fat. This is NOT your build. Especially at 6 ft (Gorillas ain't that tall bro)

The guy is obviously what you would call "broad, stout, muscular, and big boned." Even then, however....1) he's half Asian. Asians ain't stocky. 2) He's part Pole. Poles can be beafy, but on the build-scale they aren't THAT stocky either. So no. I have to say this build is REALLY slapped onto a character that genetically doesn't fit, physically doesn't fit, and uses his MIND, no his muscles, do to stuff.

Quote from Saniyea

Demo

I general don't CnC these. You do pretty good, actually, but my main piece of advice after a cursory reading is to make sure the pattern of events is clear, the reason logical, and combat serves a purpose. Also, ensure combat isn't "he does this, she does that" which you don't do too bad, but you do lean towards it a bit.




Sooo...welcome! Hopefully this helps you flesh out and refine your character.

I made some major fixes to the backstory and a few minor fixes to the rest of it with Alphaeus' Cnc. I revamped the weakness of 1 hour to a few uses per fight.