Quote from AsSeenOnTV

Oh, come in! I've been expecting you.

Thank you kind sir.

So how's the wife?

Quote from Miasma

Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?

He doesn't know he's black.

why cant stevie wonder read?

he's black

HEY GUYS

WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLACK GUY AND A BUCKET OF SHIT?









THE BUCKET! HAARAHAHRAHAHHAHAPHAHALJFAi

Quote from Miasma

Thank you kind sir.

So how's the wife?

Oh, she's out shopping, she will be back shortly. Can I get you a drink?

Quote from AsSeenOnTV

Oh, she's out shopping, she will be back shortly. Can I get you a drink?

Sure, I have a bit of time. I think I'll have a Merlot.

Quote from Miasma

Sure, I have a bit of time. I think I'll have a Merlot.

A merlot? WHAT THE FU- BBBO0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0OMMMMMMMmmmm.......
(Your friend and his house have exploded leaving you stranded on his front porch, you feel awkward and decide to go back home.)

Dad is sat at home watching TV, when his 9 year daughter comes home from school. He looks up and she is in tears. Her school blouse is ripped open and her skirt is hitched up and dishevelled.

"What the **** happened?" He demands

"Well" she replied in tearful sobs and almost hysterical, "I was walking home from school and I took the shortcut through the back lanes"

"AND? AND?" screams Dad trying to get more info

Sob Sob said the little girl "Some man dragged me into the bushes and tore at my blouse"

"OMG, What happened?" asks dad

sob sob cried the poor little girl "He then put his hand up my skirt"

"NO!" shouts Dad "Then?"

Crying through heavy sobs she replies "I cant remember, I blacked out"

"WELL MAKE IT UP, MAKE IT UP!!!" shouts dad as he starts wanking.

Lol .

I lol'd (L'dOL)

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong -- and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
He replied, "There's something wrong with my dick."
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you."
The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone," the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering.
The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear."
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it."
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
The lesson: Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose

Okay, a guy wants to lose his virginity, but he uses a bunkbed with his younger brother. Him and his girlfriend get up there and to disguise what they're doing, if she want to change position to say, lettuce, or tomato.
"Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato" Then the younger brother says, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches, your getting mayonaise all over my face."

Why'd the homo cross the road? - Becuase his dick was stuck in the chicken.

There is a man named Fred. Fred's married to a whore. So as it turns out, Fred has to go on this buisness trip for three days and knows his wife will find another dick to please her. Scared of the thought he drives down to this sex shop and ask's the manager if there is any dildos that could keep a whore busy for atleast three days. A sly grin spreads across the managers face. ''Right this way.'' He spoke in a slow deep voice. The manager removes a poster wich had a secret compartment hidden behind it, in his hands he held a green large box with the words 'voodoo' plastered all over it.
''I'll show you how it works. Voodoo Dick, the door.'' A dick slowly floats out of the box and shoots towards the door of the building. within seconds the building started shaking, getting louder and louder. ''Voodoo Dick the box,'' it suddenly stops and floats back to the box.
''I'll take it''
So fred drives home with his dick in a box to give to his whore wife.
the next day he went on his buisness trip with no worries at all. So he calls his wife, 'Hey babe. I got you this dildo called a voodoo dick, just tell it what to **** and it ****s it.'
Without another word she hangs up and opens the green box on the table.
'Voodoo dick my pussy!' she practically screams. The voodoo dick rises and shoots in the whore. After thirty minutes of screaming she thinks she's had enough.
'****. He didn't tell me how to make it stop'
She tries to call fred but his cell phone must of been turned off, there was no answer.
So she puts on her pants and starts driving to the hospital. As she drives down the road it continues to get stronger and stronger. She swerves into a fire hydrent right infront of a police officer.
'miss. are you drunk?'
Embarassed she tells the officer about her voodoo dick situation,
'Dont give me that shit, I can smell you from out here' --'No i swear, my husband bought me a Voodoo dick.' --'Dont lie to me again, Just admit it and it'll be easier for both of us.' --'I'm not lying! Theres a voodoo dick right here!'
---'Voodoo Dick My Ass!'

Lol .

So there's this married couple. They're married happily for 20 years now, everything is fine and perfect, they have jobs, and they have three children.
Just one thing annoys the wife; her husband always insists on having the lights out when they're having sex. So she, eager to get him out of this strange habit, turns the light on one night in the midst of having sex. What she sees stuns her: Instead of being in her with his dick, he is pleasuring her with a dildo! She goes mental, asks him why he's doing that, what the hell is wrong.
Her husband calmly responds: "I'll explain the toy... if you explain the children."