I wrote it in like 30 minutes, enjoy.

I remember back when me and my friends would joke about this. We would drive in a fast car, shooting zombies and it would be all fun. These aren’t zombies. They’re worse than those horrible beasts you see in movies and in videogames. We weren’t badasses, like we said we’d be. We died when all this started.
The first time we encountered them, was awful. The people who were leaving the city, were caught in enormous traffic jams. The day they arrived from Los Angeles, we all died. Not physically from day one, but we all knew, everyone was hopeless. You’d think the military could come and help everybody and save the day. But no..they didn’t. The people in those traffic jams were eaten alive inside there cars. They swarmed them, babies died, elderly, they were all devoured, by those monsters. Instead of driving in cars with my two best friends, I was hiding in my attic, with my dad’s rifle. My family had left, and I knew there was no hope of getting out of the city, so they left without me, because I absolutely refused to leave. I regret it now, I wish I could have died with them. Every day, I think of the possibility of suicide. But I can’t pull that damn trigger. Its like god refuses to let me.
One of those horrible days I suffered for a month, I went out in search of water. Oh god, I was thirsty, I hadn’t drank anything in 2 days. It was very hard to find anything that I could drink without it killing me. I went inside the Fry’s that was up the busy street, that I used to live on. All those people’s cars were still there, with their remains inside, spilled all over the seats, windows, and everything else in the car. The first time I saw the sight, I gagged. I’m sure I would have thrown up, had I had anything in my stomach in the first place. Now, I’ve started to get used to the disgusting sight. I sprinted across the parking lot and slammed my back up against the wall next to the broken sliding doors. I peeked in and saw nothing. I crept inside slowly using my prefrial vision to look in as many directions as possible. It wasn’t enough, I was pounced on from the back by one of those beasts. Its skin was crusty, and gross. It wasn’t wearing any clothes, and its face and hands were covered in blood. I dropped my gun and it slid away from me a few feet. The thing sat up from tackling me and hit me in the back with something. It was the most painful thing I’d ever felt. I yelled out but quickly recovered. I crawled with the thing on top of me, toward my gun, grabbed it, and hit the thing in the head with the butt of the gun. With my back numb and pain shooting through my whole body, I knew this was my last chance before it would get up and kill me. I lunged toward it and held it to the ground by the neck choking it. I pulled my gun up, and crushed its head on the ground with the butt of the gun, 3 or 4 times. After I took a breath I got up and felt to see what I was hit with, and felt a wooden handle. I realized it was a hatchet in my back. I grabbed a piece of rubber from the broken sliding doors and held it with my teeth. I pulled the hatchet out and bit onto the rubber as hard as I could from the pain. It was the new most painful thing I had ever felt. But that day wouldn’t end when I screamed, from the hatchet, I must of alerted some more of those, beasts. They swarmed toward me, I knew it was the end, I grabbed my rifle and quickly took aim, then shot myself up through the chin. Everything went black, and I’m sure they had a nice meal.

Does anyone want to comment?

I wrote this 4 days ago. Comments?

think it was a good one

Well... Luv you, Flood. The 3 or 4 thing sort of... got me. 3 or 4? It's already happened, so you don't just guess. Other than that, I liked it. A short little passage about "zombies".

that was great. the only complaint is that ive grown tired of 1at person zombies stories that always result in the death or infection of the narrator. It's predictable.

lol yeah. i just got done writing another one, which the narrator gets infected. but this time im continuing it, to show his point of view as an infected. ill post it all when i finish. next time ill try and be more original and not have him get infected at the end.

There were, I believe, a few unnecessary commas, eg. on the fifth line between 'devoured' and 'by those monsters', and all those in the line where he hits it with his gun 3 or 4 times. A few other places too.

Possibly 'peripheral' was a slightly too technical-sounding word in this context; generally the simpler the better for literature. 'looking out of the corners of my eyes' or something similar may have been better.

Besides that I enjoyed it a lot. Imagery was brilliant. Some very good description in there, and I liked your style. For the most part (peripheral being the one exception) your choice of words seemed ideal. Sentence length was right for the character and the situation. Great work.

yes i just noticed the commas deal. i used to overuse commas, back when i wrote this but i've been trying to avoid it. thanks for the c&c, bro.

Nice work...good details, you sound just like an experienced author

no not really. im really just getting into writing, other than school shit.

I'm beginning a novel, mind if I use a little details from your story? Not exact fragments, but the idea of the sentence/phrase/whatever.

what is the novel about? and you mean like use the style or what? elaborate.

It's about a class 3 zombie outbreak. When you wrote about the inside of the car being soaked in blood and body parts, I would want to write that the inside was blood spattered, but no remains of a body was there.

oh i see, nah its cool do whatever.