Emotions emotions, descriptions. Did I mention emotions? Yes, everyone sounds dead. They may as well be moving puppets.
That is the general critique. Nitpicking is next.
The first paragraph already stopped me in my tracks. Little emotion, no description, no thinking, and the dialogue is scrunched into one paragraph.
I knew I just made the deal that won me the fight. Most of the others, aside from Sebastian, didn't know I could talk to animal. I knew from previous walks out that way there was a healthy population of some very vicious species of animals, anything from wolverines to wolves to even grizzely bears.
Animals. Grizzly. Please check your spelling, grammar.
I told Anies to remain limp like a normal rope, I had discovered her existance in the rope a few days before while doing some mental training before I could really move. after concentrating I heard a voice that said it was the spirit of the rope that allowed it to move and giving me a second pair of eyes but took cencentration to maintain the connection. I was saving this for an ace in the hole.
Dry. This entire explanation paragraph is dry. All you needed to state was that Anies was the spirit in your character's rope. Any more information that is not told in a tasteful manner would just put the reader off.
Well lets start shall we?" I asked with my usual smile. I wasn't sure what Nirto was cabable of so I decided to test him.
-I ran ahead and punched with with very little of my true power. He countered it with a duck and quick jab to the stomach.
I played possum to let him think he had to upper hand letting him hit me with a few punches.
-A quick jab to the kindey, a quick jab to the stomach, then a hard punch to chest all within a span of about 5 seconds.
Dry. And not just in terms of entertainment. Zero description, just took the hits as if a cockroach had blown at your face. I think I've reiterated this enough but, descriptions, please. Even punches hurt; please show that your character has pain receptors and is not a mannequin.
I switched gears, he grabbed my arm to throw me at the trees. To his suprise I didn't budge. I felt him give it his all to try to snatch me forward, but I remained glue to my spot. I looked up so he could see under the brim of my hat to see my smile.
I would like to stop for a moment to tell you that character strength has nothing to do with weight. Unless your character was nailed to the ground, which shouldn't be happening. Please do not deliberately boost a character's mass. It is cheating. Nitro's disbelief and Bodacious's smugness is not created well either. In other words, equally emotionless.
-I grabbed his shirt and hurled him iN the direction he tried to throw me. He smacked into a tree and fell to the ground.
Just...smacked into the tree? No cry or gasp of pain?
"And, he would know the other person intended to throw him at the trees how?
He also magically sensed the other's surprise
Seeing as he seemed to notice no other signs of such, save purely that" -Reaction from another reader.
^Where description comes in handy. Please learn to describe.
This didn't phase Nitro as he began to run at me.
Phase
Phase
Phase
phase/fāz/
Noun:
A distinct period or stage in a process of change or forming part of something's development.
Verb:
Carry out (something) in gradual stages.
Synonyms:
stage - period
Did you mean: "Faze"? Please tell me you did.
I realized I just pissed him off. He came up and to my suprise he left hand looked like a ninja katana, the right looked like a shield. So thats his power he can make weapons out of his hands.
No element of surprise there. Because you didn't describe. "looked like"? At least put more effort into describing it. Is it because it's long? That's why it looked like a katana? Thin? What about the shield? Discus shaped? Dome shaped? It could look like a plate depending on how perceptive (or mentally insane) your character is. You can even have him mistake the weapon for something else. At least...do something!
-Suddenly a wolf slammed into his side from a bush just behind him.
And my nose grew strawberries the size of a paper towel. Sarcasm aside, that was too sudden. Yes I know it's a sudden event, but really? No rustling of the bushes to hint the presence of said wolf? How did it even get there so fast? It must've been watching. A peeping tom. Wolf. I'll call the wolf Tom from now on. I also see that the wolf came from behind to hit Nitro's...side? Playing with portals I see. Please don't do that. Children will get hurt.
Oh. Please give me a moment, I'm afraid my sarcasm levels have grown a little to high. No that was not in sarcasm. Please wait warmly while I start up SugarSugarHoney 3.01....
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Hello! I'm your friendly neighbourhood critic, ready to give some criticism that is sure to make your pants roll! Let's get started...
The growl was never meant to intimidate, I just called for backup. "Hope you like my friend there, he is the alpha of his pack." I said while Nitro looked in stunned silence. What he did next suprised me.
Descriptions, descriptions. Oh my, lacking descriptions!
Nitro should have his bum bruised by now, so why no response? Surely Tom must have sunk a few of its teeth in his juicy flesh! A mannequin I say, everyone is a mannequin! Surely Bodacious should be smug by now. What's this? No description either! Not a wise thing to do so, don't you think? Nu-uh, not at all!
-He detached the shield and threw it at the wolf. it jumped but as he got airborn to dodge a bullet went through his skull.
And... No description :D No poor yelp of pain? Airborne is also spelled wrong in case you were wondering! Detaching the shield and throwing it? Is that all you can do? Surely not. Toss it like a discus!
Actually, the wolf slammed into him, and he threw the discus at wolf...? How far did the wolf go in its leap, exactly? I was assured that noone used noclip! Bluntly speaking, The wolf is in front of him. Why would you use a projectile something so close? Not a wise move, dear!
-A hundred slugs went down range as he let metal shower me. each round hitting my hat and flattening out on the brim or ricocheing off the crown in every direction.
This is a gentle reminder from the Hats n' All Fashions department here to tell you that your hat does not reach your body length and thus is unable to protect you for a shower of bullets.
She put the loops on the gound and pushed off hard sending me flying. It caught Nitro off guard, just long enough to get him to stop firing.
This is a gentle reminder from the Hooke's Spring Elasticity division that ropes are not springs. Nor are ropes stiff enough to provide the contact for to support even the tiniest jump. Thank you.
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*Cough cough*
Alright. Anymore critique may as well be worthless. I've said whatever I wanted to say. You lack description, your scenes are impossible. The story lacks any form of thought and emotion. Everyone is a mannequin with little to no pain receptors. Please read your story again and tell me if you are truly proud of this. If you are, I have nothing else to say, but please don't ask me to critique again. Thank you in advance.
Disclaimer: I take no responsibility in any mocking, sarcasm or otherwise in the critique that may instill the idea in others that I may be an asshole.