I believe I made a similar thread a few weeks/months ago, but there is still an issue.

I get in these psychological fits and this is how my brain works during them, because it's happening right now:
Tomorrow is Christmas, and I have no joy, no excitement. I'm not looking forward to it, it's just like any other day.
It's like I used to look at life in arrays of colors, but now everything is a shade of gray.

No fucking joke. It's like what is the point to their even being a tomorrow. Part of me wishes the world did end a few days ago.
It's almost as if everything is boring to me. I get zero excitement about anything. I have no ambitions about anything whatsoever.
The worst part about it is I think rather fatalistic things about myself and people I really fucking hate.
This is the third time it's happened, the second was last week at work. A few co-workers were actually worried by my facial expressions and hyper-ventalatingness :/
That always makes me feel good.

The first time was back in March I believe, in which case I went into my parents room, got a gun out, and had a field day with all of the horrific thoughts about what I could have done.
For a good fifteen minutes I thought about how easy it would be to end it all.

I find myself trying to rationalize my sanity to the other half of my brain sometimes. It really is quite scary sometimes to think about.
How many of you can honestly say at one point in your life that you had a mental argument with yourself trying to explain to yourself that you're just having another psychotic fit?
Have you ever told yourself that it will be okay when you're sitting there thinking about carving the face of the first person that gets in your face?

Anyone of you ever experience similar things?

Ahh..the ol' psychological conflict.

I can't say for certain that instances like these are common among peers, but I can say I have had my experiences.
A year back, I kept pondering about the end of the world that was supposedly coming last Friday; No, I didn't believe the world was going to actually
end, I did however ponder about what it will be that brings about the end some billions of years from now.
The excitement spread across the world on that day, and kept comparing it to the way I saw the world. How the day before will be just like today and tomorrow.

My sanity grew thin the more I thought about concepts like that, and eventually I stopped asking myself questions and started looking for desperate answers for no apparent reason; Some way to better myself, whether that'd actually be suicide(On the concept of "Maybe I'm better off dead".), or more effort going into each day, regardless of what that effort was. Needless to say, I went down the drain with my sanity for awhile.

Today I still have these bouts with my mind about these things, but they're more minor in comparison to that instance.

Actually do have mental arguements every now and then. I dont exactly like my life all that much either. I cant do anything because of my parents and I end up being secluded. All throughout middle school I was socially awkward and I never really liked my life. But i started out fresh when we moved and its an okay life now. I do have arguements with myself fantasizing about if I said something else to someone in a conversation I had earlier in the day and whether or not it was the best choice. Id say the best thing for you to do is go out and hang with your friends little. Have fun, you dont have to do anything exciting to bring joy.

Quote from InfamousBonk

Actually do have mental arguements every now and then. I dont exactly like my life all that much either. I cant do anything because of my parents and I end up being secluded. All throughout middle school I was socially awkward and I never really liked my life. But i started out fresh when we moved and its an okay life now. I do have arguements with myself fantasizing about if I said something else to someone in a conversation I had earlier in the day and whether or not it was the best choice. Id say the best thing for you to do is go out and hang with your friends little. Have fun, you dont have to do anything exciting to bring joy.

You misunderstand. I don't have social issues, or self esteem issues, or discontent with my life and the direction it's going.
My point is that periodically I find myself in a depressed state and the thoughts of suicidal tendencies that follow worry me that I might actually do something one day.

This isn't the generalized middle/high school phase where you over-complicate and magnify everything like everything is so important and fragile and anything bad that happens is fucking stupid. It isn't that at all.

i think i can sort of relate to this.

a lot of the things i used to like are unappealing to me now. used to like video games, but now when i play them it's like "ehhh..". i don't play them as much as i used to. used to like anime, now i hardly watch it. imo it's just not THAT entertaining to watch anymore.

i also tend to over-think things and think about suicide sometimes. a lot of people say that i always look either sad or mad (someone once said to me i look both sad AND mad), when really i'm just fine.
i can also be pretty twisted when it comes to people i HATE. like, REALLY hate. not really people that annoy me, but people that i honestly think should die. sometimes i think about beating them to an inch of their life. but not all the time. just a thought that pops up every now and then.

some people say i have depression, but i think i'm more along the lines of anxiety.

(lol people are probably gonna think i'm a psycho now)

Quote from Arch-Angel

I get in these psychological fits and this is how my brain works during them, because it's happening right now:
Tomorrow is Christmas, and I have no joy, no excitement. I'm not looking forward to it, it's just like any other day.
It's like I used to look at life in arrays of colors, but now everything is a shade of gray.

This is actually not that uncommon, a lot of people find holidays boring, unpleasant, and don't get over-joyed towards things like these (i find everything, including my own birthday, boring)
you just gotta realize you are more normal than you think, if you ask around enough, you'll see that people around you also have these feelings, or have their joy onto another thing apart of it, (getting presents on birthdays and christmas, having candy on Halloween, Getting drunk on new years, etc).

Quote from Arch-Angel

The first time was back in March I believe, in which case I went into my parents room, got a gun out, and had a field day with all of the horrific thoughts about what I could have done.
For a good fifteen minutes I thought about how easy it would be to end it all.

A surprisingly great number of people find themselves at the point of suicide, the fact that you can with-hold your anger/depression, is a lot bigger than you think. you need to speak to somebody that you know about all of this, coming on the internet won't help as much as other people can help (i helped a friend of my over the internet overcome suicide about a year ago).

Quote from Arch-Angel

Have you ever told yourself that it will be okay when you're sitting there thinking about carving the face of the first person that gets in your face?

everybody gets some hatred towards another person, and thinks about how it would be if that person was hurt/dead, although it's always to let go of frustration, it's actually more sane than you may think, as it's your minds way of calming you down.

me myself, i've never had any of these personally, to this extent, although i think everybody deals with something at some part of their life, whether how great or small it is, you just have to keep pushing through life.

I have been depressed before, but I knew the reason behind my depression. Stress.

In your case it seems random and you say it isn't a psychological/sociological reason. So perhaps it has a biological cause. Low levels of serotonin or noradrenalin can lead to the blues. But that is the extent of my 12th grade knowledge on depression, so you should consult a professional. Maybe they will give you some happy drugs.

I would suggest talking to a therapist, but Ive had friends go there before and it didn't help with much. There isnt much of an easy answer as to what you should do about this, personally Ive had a somewhat similar experience, but not to the extent where I got a gun out or anything such as you. I think what you're going through is some sort of phase of growing up, something that might last a while, but will eventually go away if you distract your thoughts with more social activities. Everyone goes through what you are, just with different variables and to certain extents. I found that when I went through similar things, and when others do, simply going out places with people you like, or even meeting new people get your mind off those thoughts the best.

This sounds like textbook depression. You're 19 so it could be part of a quarter-life crisis, I went through something similar about two years ago and came out of it without therapy, though I think it still affects me sometimes. You might be able to as well, but therapy is never a bad idea.

I felt the very same way around that age. I think its the shift between child and young adult. The things you used to love to do are dramatically changing, even if they don't really SEEM to be. Things that were awesome before, aren't anymore, or you can't do them any more due to other responsibilities. What worked for me was finding new things that I could do. Something new to look forward to. This can be things, people, events, projects, anything really. Sometimes you kinda have to give yourself a reason to live, as crazy as that sounds typing it. :O