Collective Thoughts of a Scattered Mind.

// Here is a brief summary of what this is.
I came to the conclusion about two days ago that it is a realistic possibility that I may be clinically depressed. According to the internet I suffer from several (8/10 on one website) symptoms of depression. I'm going to use this journal as a way to collect my thoughts and keep a record of my day to day activity and feelings. Much like Nikki Sixx did in The Heroine Diaries, except I don't have a drug problem, just alcohol (and World of Warcraft if that counts). I've been feeling quite angry at the world, I've had a vast amount of suicidal and self loathing thoughts, and honestly it seems as if the only thing stopping me is the fact that I don't want to hurt anyone that might love me, as I've grown to truly hate myself. My problem is that I get these ideas and feelings that I want to die or go butcher a few people before taking my life because I'm tired of the pain and frustration that I cause myself, but I can't because suicide is selfish, isn't it? Sometimes I just don't know. All I know is I'm not always like this, and that's what scares me the most. Now that I've embraced and allowed alcohol to become part of my life, I'm afraid I will act on my cries of desperation and do something that I will regret.

// I will be updating this every day, or every time I make a new journal entry. Each entry will consist of a reflection of that day followed by a random topic that I feel like talking about at that point in time. Some topics might be repeated, which is what I want. I want to see if there is any variance in what I'm saying.


January 3, 2013. 1:45am
How do I feel about today? It was rather shitty, but at the same time there were certain moments of today that were alright. Apparently people nowadays are so self centered they think everything is about them. I had a lot of fun dealing with some stupid drama on facebook all day and having people call me throughout the day because of a status I made; "You're no soldier, you're a coward. I didn't answer my phone, I didn't feel like dealing with anything. Work went alright. We were slow at first, but around seven my good buddy Nora decided she would go get Chinese for everyone. I love it when people are nice. My friend and I were doing dishes and got into an insane bubble fight. It's funny how as managers we can still act like kids with no repercussions sometimes. I got to see two old friends of mine, Nicole and Emily. That was neat. My good friend, Justin who I had been neglecting for the past few weeks stood up for me on my whole facebook situation, which really made me feel good. It made me feel bad actually because I didn't talk to him at all throughout the holidays. I got off of work and came home and finished off my bottle of Captain Morgan's Spice Rum. I started off feeling really good but now I seem to have drifted off into another state of growing sorrow. I'm not really sad about anything, but I just feel empty. I'm no soldier...

People: Worthless. Vast. Problematic. Self-destructive. Cancerous.
I don't like people, as I'm not a people person. Now sure there are some people I can tolerate but overall I dislike dealing with and being around people. Sure I suppose it's fun to hang out with friends that I haven't seen in a while, but it eventually gets old and becomes quite irritating. People are self-centered, always thinking that everything revolves around them. People are stupid, as they are too prone to read what's on the outside, rather than to allow their minds the freedom to see reality the way it really is. People lie, which is directly related to the fact that people lack respect. People are naive, primitive, and childish. I hate people so much it doesn't even bother me when an elementary school in Connecticut has a shootout. I suppose death in itself doesn't bother me because I am so self-destructive and fatalistic myself, but those are topics for another time. I don't care about people, because I will always come out strong.



January 8, 2013 12:37am

So I have had some rather good days these past few days, with the exception of some terrific news yesterday. I went to Richmond with this girl I'm talking to, she's really cool, and we had a lot of fun. I found out yesterday that my ex got engaged with her current boyfriend that she has been dating for about two weeks, and has only seen him for one week as he is in the military and had to leave. To be honest it made me very angry but that was short lived, because I told her what was going to happen, and I even tried doing the right thing by warning the guy about her cheating ways. Oh well, I'm thankful that it is none of my concern, it's just another neat observation of human stupidity. Today was just another regular day. I woke up, chilled around the house, played World of Warcraft, went to work, and came home. I've been feeling really popular recently, people have been calling other people to tell them where I'm at when I go out now, which is even cooler considering I haven't a clue who these people are. I went on a double date the other night with the girl I'm talking to and one of my long time best friends and the person she is talking to. That was a great night full of laughter and deep conversations with a lot of my other very close friends. I haven't really gotten into a depressed mood recently, everything has been rather good. There have been a few incidents where I found myself getting overly dramatic with memories of my past relationship. Like talking the only picture of us left and writing a lot of inspirational things on the back of it and planning to mail it to her for her birthday. That lasted for about one night, now I just want to record myself burning it and send that to her instead. I know I shouldn't try to remember her or do good things for her but I have a tendancy to care about people, and when I start feeling depressed I find it rather hard to rationalize my thoughts. I'm been thinking of ways to try to get my life moving on the right track. I want to live while I'm young and have friends and go do friend things, but at the same time I want to work because not having money is the root of all evil, and of course I need to go to college. Which I should probably get some classes picked and paid for considering classes start tomorrow. I blame it on my depression and lack of enthusiasm for life in itself. I'm good at making things work, so I should be alright. Plus I'm happy, and for the majority of the past few days I've been happy, and sober. Which is another thing I'm going to try being more often.

Reality: Raw, strange, deep, shallow, everlasting, thorough.

Reality is a big part in everything I do and every situation I analyze. People have a tendancy to make reality tougher or softer than what it actually is to fit their needs or misconstrue their messages for their own personal gain. People have a tendancy to use drugs to attain that high when they feel as if they have too many problems and need a little extra help dealing with them all. I disagree, as I tend to deal with things as they come for what they are. Things happen, and no one is perfect, so by sugar-coating or over exxagerating things people tend to mislead their audience to believe the same thing that they do, which is incredible innacurate because the fact of the matter is the vase is broken. It isn't smashed into millions of pieces, and it isn't slightly fractured. It is what it is, and there is no sense in trying to make it anything that it isn't.

since you mentioned possible depression, here's a good lecture explaining what actually happens to you with depression and why. if you ever feel like beating yourself up over not being able to "suck it up" or "pull yourself together," don't, it's really not happening because you're just a weak or bad person or something. i dunno if you knew that, but w/e


i'm not sure if your anger/contempt towards other people is a good thing or not, because at least it's not "turned inwards." if it was, it might be too much to bear, but at the same time you obviously don't want to hurt anyone

Quote from Arch-Angel

honestly it seems as if the only thing stopping me is the fact that I don't want to hurt anyone that might love me

Quote from Arch-Angel

People: Worthless. Vast. Problematic. Self-destructive. Cancerous.

I don't think you hate people as much as you think, if some of them can give you a reason to live. Just something to think about.


If you don't mind, I have a few questions.

Quote from Arch-Angel

I don't have social issues, or self esteem issues, or discontent with my life and the direction it's going.

So, you're saying your negative thoughts and emotions aren't caused by/directed toward any external source of continuous stress in your life?

Is that something you realize when you're having those fatalistic thoughts? Does that help, or make those thoughts worse? Or do you convince yourself that things are worse than they actually are when you're in a depressive episode?

I made a thread not too long ago explaining what happened as it was happening. Basically it's like a loss of motivation for anything. Life in itself turns from a massive array of various shades of colors to a large gray wall. I don't want to go to work, or go see anyone, or play world of warcraft, or whatever, at one point I just sat in my chair and stared at my closet door for almost an hour. As far as people influencing it, I strongly believe the world is full of idiots so I suppose when I have a day where I really get to experience that, it is rather discouraging to want to around these idiots anymore, but I'm not the kind of person that's going to let one person bring me down.

I just re-read your post, and no I'm not the type of person to get stressed. The only thing recently to be upset about is breaking up with my girlfriend like almost two months ago but I told her she was dead to me because she's a whore. I'm not upset about it or anything, it's been almost two months and I've found someone new lol.

I would love to. As generations pass us by more and more families are raised without morals because of so many people having children before they know how to raise kids. I've always said, kids can't have kids, because for the children they will miss out on important things in life. Where I live this is more than obvious and I've had several talks with people who agree. Unfortunately African Americans fall more into this than any other ethnic group, but I've seen people of all races and religions be subject to this. The more kids that are raised with lack of respect for authority, lack of respect for others, and more importantly lack of self respect, then the more people are going to have kids and not know how to teach them these same principles. People are generally uncaring and not understanding of others. I don't get angry at people, I don't judge people, because I don't want people to do that to me. It's how people are, primarily because of their parents. I consider myself in a small percent of people that are open-minded (in every aspect of the phrase) and generally trying to spread peace and harmony.

Hey, Arch Angel... i know what youre going through... sometimes i completely lose faith in everything i do like im some kind of screwup...i hated myself... i blamed myself for everything... but i came out of it... and so can you. All i did was live. I contemplayed suicide but a friend dear to me told me it wasnt going to do any good... think of all the people you inspire, think of all the people that look up to you. Yes, its true that man is harsh and cruel. But not all of it. Remember the good people in life and think of the moments that made you the happiest. Thise few people of the billions on earth that care for you are the ones that matter. Dont let the haters in life get you down, they arent worth it. What your going through is terrible, i know, but you have to aspire to get better. And think of what you can do, not what you cant. I wish you luck on your hard journey man. And think, practically everyone on this site can help in one way or another. GOOD LUCK, AND DONT GIVE UP.

Take a look at the irony with me real quickly.

Yes. It's true. There are a lot of idiots out there. There are evil people out there. And there's a lot of inconsideration that circles this planet. It's true. We all know it. Yet, people still do it. Even though they themselves are aware it's what plagues the Earth, they do it anyway. As well as this, there are people who are aware it exists and, like you, lose faith in the people around them. They begin to avoid or treat everyone as though they are part of the problem. That's because everyone has the potential to be part of the problem. Why do I know this? I've been doing the same exact thing for 5 years now, almost 6. I've always had the lowest expectation of the people I know and meet so that if they do something I dislike, I'm not disappointed (or at least as disappointed as I would be). But here's where the irony comes in. We hate the fact that people can be inconsiderate and just plain dumb. But then we go off and just think low of everyone around us. We dislike contempt, yet it's how we view things. We hate disrespect, yet that's all we feel. We despise ignorance, yet it's what we see as the personal solution. You see, we see this negativity, and just counter it with more negativity. This isn't math where if you put two negatives together you get a positive, this is reality. And the truth is the only way to conquer negativity, is to overpower it with positivity. Which is why so many people are aware of the things you're aware of, and yet continue on with their lives as if it's not an actual problem. It's because it's not actually a problem if you don't let it. Take for example the Terrorists. Their goal is to put terror and fear into our souls to the point where we strip away our personal freedoms in order to feel more security for ourselves. Why? Because our morales are freedom and happiness. If we succumb and let the negativity run over us, we're all doomed and they get their way.

One act of kindness can cause a chain reaction of kindness for stretches we will never know. There's a reason why that idea is so cheesy, because it's true. If all the people who thought liked you and me, stopped thinking like you and me, we have no idea how much benefit this society would have. All this humanity losing faith in humanity bandwagon would stop chaining down the potential of society. If we really dislike the direction society is going in, stand up. And don't stand up by forcing someone else's life to change (like ending it as many psychopaths conclude), but instead find a way for your life to change.

Note: This is no way referencing to suicide as a solution. Suicide causes anything but the solution. But this isn't the topic at hand, so please don't discuss this portion.

I've updated the beginning post with another entry in my journal.

Quote from Sacred

Take a look at the irony with me real quickly.

Yes. It's true. There are a lot of idiots out there. There are evil people out there. And there's a lot of inconsideration that circles this planet. It's true. We all know it. Yet, people still do it. Even though they themselves are aware it's what plagues the Earth, they do it anyway. As well as this, there are people who are aware it exists and, like you, lose faith in the people around them. They begin to avoid or treat everyone as though they are part of the problem. That's because everyone has the potential to be part of the problem. Why do I know this? I've been doing the same exact thing for 5 years now, almost 6. I've always had the lowest expectation of the people I know and meet so that if they do something I dislike, I'm not disappointed (or at least as disappointed as I would be). But here's where the irony comes in. We hate the fact that people can be inconsiderate and just plain dumb. But then we go off and just think low of everyone around us. We dislike contempt, yet it's how we view things. We hate disrespect, yet that's all we feel. We despise ignorance, yet it's what we see as the personal solution. You see, we see this negativity, and just counter it with more negativity. This isn't math where if you put two negatives together you get a positive, this is reality. And the truth is the only way to conquer negativity, is to overpower it with positivity. Which is why so many people are aware of the things you're aware of, and yet continue on with their lives as if it's not an actual problem. It's because it's not actually a problem if you don't let it. Take for example the Terrorists. Their goal is to put terror and fear into our souls to the point where we strip away our personal freedoms in order to feel more security for ourselves. Why? Because our morales are freedom and happiness. If we succumb and let the negativity run over us, we're all doomed and they get their way.

One act of kindness can cause a chain reaction of kindness for stretches we will never know. There's a reason why that idea is so cheesy, because it's true. If all the people who thought liked you and me, stopped thinking like you and me, we have no idea how much benefit this society would have. All this humanity losing faith in humanity bandwagon would stop chaining down the potential of society. If we really dislike the direction society is going in, stand up. And don't stand up by forcing someone else's life to change (like ending it as many psychopaths conclude), but instead find a way for your life to change.

Note: This is no way referencing to suicide as a solution. Suicide causes anything but the solution. But this isn't the topic at hand, so please don't discuss this portion.

I really liked some of the points you made in this post, Sacred. To be quite honest though, this is exactly how I feel, which is very satisfying to hear it come from someone else. I've had people tell me that I'm the most considerate person that they know. My issue is sometimes when I get depressed I feel like people shouldn't need someone to always be looking out for them, I guess what I feel is an overwhelming sense that I'm trying to fight a battle in which I am greatly outnumbered. My goal is to one day gain some sort of inner peace and come to terms with all of the wrongs in my life, such as my horrible relationship with my parents, and the fact that I haven't seen my father in three years because it brings up too many bad memories to go over to his house. I've realized before and I believe it to this day, I'm very good at giving advice, but I have a very difficult time in taking my own advice.

While I have my sanity for now, I can consciously say that I disagree with suicide and think that it is the cowards way out. It makes you a much better person to stick it out and deal with your issues to the best of your ability, and when you fail there is always the option to get back up.

It's not even the fact that suicide is the coward's way out. My dad, whose in his 50s now, has had a lot of friends in his life. Many of them died at a young age, whether by some exterior force or actual suicide. But he has friends that were contemplating suicide to the point where they tried and just failed by sheer miracle. Those people to this day could not be any more thankful that they did not commit suicide. At the time, yes everything seems like utter shit and you just want to end it all. But I promise you, PROMISE YOU, getting through it is by far extremely worth it. In the future, you'll be looking back chuckling at yourself and your depressive thoughts. That seems very translucent now, but things that are translucent still have light shine through them. And you can see it, it's just hard to believe what you're seeing.

Truth is Archy boy, you and me are actually going through the same thing. That's why I'm relating to you heart to heart here. Honestly, reading what you're typing here has been giving me relief. I don't ever talk to anybody about my problems because I hate depending on other people more than anything else. And everything you've typed out here is the same exact shit that I think about. Like seriously when I read your thoughts about the generations passing and families losing morales because children are having children, my mind was blown. I was like "What the fuuuuuck that's how I view it, too!" I used to be a depressing fuckball like no other. And every now and then I might crack a little bit and have some small depression come back. But now I'm much more capable of fighting it off. Why? I've witnessed all the people and things that happened around me and actually have experienced all those inner feelings you get when something happens. After hours on end every day of thinking about myself, my life, my goals, my decisions, my future, my universe, my family, my friends, and my associations for years on end, you think at some point I might find some conclusions. These conclusions are what I'm sharing with you. Glad to know I'm not the only one thinking this way.