Tears of a Friend

AW YEAH! PART 10! Look out for part 11! And 12...and 13.

GamerXD's Story - Main Battle


Setting: 5
You did exceptionally well compared to the others, while one wrote too much detail and the other with too less detail; you found a balance in the two and it is clear by how I stuck through the whole thing and not realising it's true length. Though I wonder why I ranked this five instead of seven like you deserve, but I digress. Anyways, I could clearly visualise all the surroundings and the characters very vividly and I also enjoyed how you described some of them like "--his stomach began to do a mix of hip-hop and ballet." I have no idea why that made me laugh but it did. Good job~!




Plot: 6
Oh wow, man the plot man~I love the whole plot and setting of the whole story. You gave a wonderful beginning and the rest flowed together amazingly. From the bar to the fight and the end, you hooked me in to continue reading to the end. I really have no problems with it and yet I wonder once more why I gave you a six instead of an eight. Dang sleepy mind, causing me to mistype and stuff...




Characters: 4
I think, between the three of you, that you were the one that had the most accurate portrayals of the characters in your story. Sure there were some hiccups of the personalities a little, but you got their powers down ad you got the general personality down. I also love the banter and interaction between all the characters in all of this, because what usually snags me is that. It was just a pleasure and a delight reading them talk to each other. And yet again I wonder why I gave you a four instead of a seven. This is what happens when you don't get your proper beauty sleep darlings.




Grammar: 5
Pretty good, though I am pretty picky with tenses and proper symbol (since I have no ideas what to call periods or dashes) placements as well as wrong spellings and slangs like "evar" so most of your score was deducted from that. Besides though it is important to enjoy what you're writing and making it funny, things like "insert awesome music here" or (again) "evar" breaks the whole wonderful flow of the story. Also adding to the deduction, you seem to be missing out some words, used words in wrong places and made up you own like "hurted". As far as I know the past tense for hurt is not hurter; since I believe that hurt is also its past tense.




The Boss Monster: 6
Much like the others you did an amazing and accurate job on the beast. Nothing much to say about that~






Tips:
-Like the other you seem to be having trouble with tenses (and don't worry deary, I too have trouble with them sometimes). In the first chapter it was all over it; you started with a present tense with the words "is" and "keep" then later on you began to use past tense with "comprised" and "fallen" before you went back to present tenses. It wasn't that bad but please choose one tense and stick with it for the whole thing. Small tense errors are fine, nothing that reading your whole story a couple of times can't fix.




-A tip to keep in mind when writing talking, try not to have them all in one single line like this:


"Aw man. There goes my lunch. And it was so delicious too." He complained.


If one was to really get down it, it's not really the proper way to write someone talking. You need to space them out. Don't use periods and instead use commas. Like so:


"Aw man, there goes my lunch," he complained. "And it was so delicious too."


With that you can add a pause to give a sort of effect to the second line. You can also put actions between where he talks so readers can visualize what he could be doing while he was talking. For example:


"Aw man, there goes my lunch," he complained holding his sick stomach, trying to keep down the bile crawling up his throat once more. "And it was so delicious too."


See? Sounds a little more better, right?


Also something that I liked about your conversations that you had everyone with different colour. Sure that isn't really professional, but it gave a little flair to your piece that I liked.




-Another thing to keep in mind, remember to try to keep a little realistic with detail. I know it is fantasy that we write but still it keeps a realism to what happens. Things like all the explorers in the pyramids, all skeletons and bones; well hate to break it to you bud but bodies don't decompose that fast. It takes weeks and months until bodies reach that stage. Also, unless they've been close for a long time, the other three warriors wouldn't be in so much grief and actually cry because Lucario was sucked by a black hole. I know you wanted to give a dramatic effect but there are other ways to get to the point and not have to get the all out of character.




-I noticed that you usually use 'n' to replace 'and'. Not really a good idea. I know that it gets pretty tempting to shorten words and phrases but usually 'n' is used when it's a name for a place or a character talks like that since it's their accent, but not in the descriptions of a story. It ruins the flow and theme of the story and I always get taken out of the action because of it. Just try to refrain from using it in descriptions, alright?

A new age is upon us, Zeus is long dead and his brother stands tall. The guardian knight of stickpage city no longer breathes and his villagers and knights have all been slaughtered by the shadow beings. Atauromin now lays to rest at the bottom of the sea, never to be seen again. The immortal race from 1546 have been brought to extinction (if you remember correctly, they cannot die from old age, yet everything kills them) "HADES" THE NECROMANCER WILL RULE ALL!!! With Nightshade as his personal body guard from hell, they stand as an unstoppable force.

The army of the undead are upon us. Will you stop them?

Play this song to get a feeling of war ready http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_NOwRTGGl4g. This boss fight will come when Hade's picture comes out.

Zeus could possibly return..... But he's not going to the same.....

Holy CnC. Better make changes to my story. HOORAY FOR CnC!

Quote from kingkickass2013

A new age is upon us, Zeus is long dead and his brother stands tall. The guardian knight of stickpage city no longer breathes and his villagers and knights have all been slaughtered by the shadow beings. Atauromin now lays to rest at the bottom of the sea, never to be seen again. The immortal race from 1546 have been brought to extinction (if you remember correctly, they cannot die from old age, yet everything kills them) "HADES" THE NECROMANCER WILL RULE ALL!!! With Nightshade as his personal body guard from hell, they stand as an unstoppable force.

The army of the undead are upon us. Will you stop them?

Play this song to get a feeling of war ready http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_NOwRTGGl4g. This boss fight will come when Hade's picture comes out.

Zeus could possibly return..... But he's not going to the same.....

Hey, kingkickass2013, is this NightShade the same one as that Shaq-Of-All-Trades used a long time ago?

He is the guest of honor, Nightshade is the guy Shaq-Of-All-Trades used. Those two were the perfect team, one has absolute hatred for mankind and the other one eats human beings. He gave me permission to use Night Shade but since he didn't tell me Night shades story I will come with one myself.

I have to come up with the story on how those two met.

Why not ask him for the history then? It would be better if the NightShade here would have the same story, since he was considered the Lord of wRHG then.

Well here's the story I came up with for Night Shade currently, unless however Shaq finally decides to give me the past life of Night Shade all I got is the current life. (This is not his past, only the present)

Day's have passed after being banished to the deepest dungeons of the wRHG. All other wRHG's worked together to bring him down to the light, Night Shade spends his days in blaring light that cannot kill the evil and monsters, only have them suffer pain and restrain them within the light. Until today.

Minions of "Hades" the necromancer have been sent to offer Night Shade not only freedom of this prison but anything he could ever desire. All he has to do is serve under Hade's army as his personal general and body guard. Night Shade agreed to all of this and the minions shut down the machine, in an instant Night Shade and the minions shot out of the dungeon and fled to Hade's dark fortress.

Night Shade met face to face with the 2nd most evil thing to ever exist (Night Shade is the first most evil thing to exist, however Hade's stands second in the evil chart and when we start the next boss fight you will see why)

Night Shade asked for one thing only, as much human meat he ever wanted. Hade's nodded but he told Night Shade one thing, the man named Zeus is his to claim. Hade's for filled his promise and created a massive meat locker within his fortress to keep human meats and skin just for Night Shade only. And Night Shade stands by his side on the conquest to RULE THE WORLD!

That's the current story here.

I can give you guys their stories yet I cannot show you their powers or their looks... (Otherwise you would already start making the story)

Seems just about right. So when will you put up the thread for the second boss fight?

As soon as that god dang picture from Zaix's art shop comes in, but I must be patient since Zaix is very busy with other pictures. Don't worry I made ABSOLUTE SURE that Night Shade and Hade's are of equal OPness. (It wouldn't be a boss fight if the enemy wasn't OP now would it?)