Crow(Zanbyull) VS Pencillum(Merich1)

Started by: zanbyull | Replies: 15 | Views: 1,724

zanbyull
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May 28, 2013 1:14 PM #987646
Okay, so... first fight for both of us. Cnc appreciated but please prevent remarks that are likely to make us cry :o
Anyway, here's our RHG pages



And the fights:

So here's mine:
Crow (Click to Show)



And Merich1's
Pencillum (Click to Show)
Xate
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May 28, 2013 1:42 PM #987662
Well...I'm very new here at wRHG and not native English, so my CnC might not be accurate or enough. But here goes nothing:
Merich1:Is it just me or your story is short? Very short compared to Zanbyull. Also there's a lack of description about characters' appearances.
Zanbyull:Well, I saw a few grammar errors in there. Proof-read is your friend. Nice job overall.
And there's something both of you lack. Double spacing. That will make your story much more easier to read.
Well...Since Zanbyull's story is much more entertaining, he got my vote.
Triss
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May 28, 2013 2:05 PM #987683
Well, my CnC.

BOTH: Have you ever used the keyboard before? Cause there exists a special button called "ENTER". This can give your story much better pace, and totally better looks. It will certainly affect your rating in front of my eyes.

BOTH: Story too short. A decent story usually exists in 1000+ word, or 5000+ character more. I would greatly appreciate such well-thought works, and I value them highly. The only good thing that both of your stories have for being too short of a story, is your lack of spacing. If it's 1000 word or more.....I just couldn't read it.

zanbyull: You definitely throw a much better effort than merich. However, your lack of spirit to make a story SICKENS ME. 4/10

merich1: In a way you failed to create an impression to me. Your lack of spirit is even worse than zanbyull. And your story, is just a guy-met a guy, and hitting each others with their own respective clubs. 3/10

At least thought a little and use your imagination to create a story. For a better effort (yet still lacking), I'll pick zanbyull.
_Ai_
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May 28, 2013 2:49 PM #987737
I'm keeping in mind that the both of you are new in writing, so I'll go easy on you two.

Zanbyull : Please refrain from using LOL. It kinda destroys the story. And please fill in more action then dialogue. I see them talking more than fighting. Also remove those "Aah" and "...". Censorship doesnt make any sense.

Merich : Take your time writing; it seems you made it in one go. Kinda the same as above, you both are quite similar. But the good thing is, you didnt use lol.

And because of that lol im voting merich.
But wait. Crow put on more effort, and that made me vote Zanbyull.
Xate
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May 28, 2013 2:57 PM #987739
And you vote for zanbyull, Ai...-_-...
ErrorBlender
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May 28, 2013 3:00 PM #987742
I agree with Triss, well spaced paragraphs will help ease the reader into your work. Instead, we see a block of text. Your stories' length is lacking for me as well.

In Zanbyull's entry, I could make out tiny spelling errors but nothing a good proof read could have erased. Your story had a better feel to it than merich1's and had a nice background. Keep up the good work. Try to keep the battle intense, show us difficulty, show us hardships and advantages. Have you seen awesome fights like Optimus and Megatron, each of them had their times winning and losing. Show us the variety you can. Just needs a bit more 'oomph' to it.

In merich1's entry, it was very short, it was as if they met, brawled and one lost in the span of mere minutes. You could add more descriptions, especially to the world around your characters and themselves. Give the readers something to imagine. You simply said that they went into an arena and didn't describe anything else. It was too quick. A great story is a well thought out one.

Overall, I see zanbyull's entry had more work put into it. So I have to choose his.
zanbyull
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May 28, 2013 11:18 PM #988071
Ok, yeah sorry about the LOL. I guess i shouldn't have put that, and thanks for the comments and stuff. Let's see how this turns out ^_^
Triss, my count said my story was at around 1300 words. That's what i see anyway.
Chamel
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May 28, 2013 11:47 PM #988085
Quote from Triss
Well, my CnC.

BOTH: Have you ever used the keyboard before? Cause there exists a special button called "ENTER". This can give your story much better pace, and totally better looks. It will certainly affect your rating in front of my eyes.

BOTH: Story too short. A decent story usually exists in 1000+ word, or 5000+ character more. I would greatly appreciate such well-thought works, and I value them highly. The only good thing that both of your stories have for being too short of a story, is your lack of spacing. If it's 1000 word or more.....I just couldn't read it.

zanbyull: You definitely throw a much better effort than merich. However, your lack of spirit to make a story SICKENS ME. 4/10

merich1: In a way you failed to create an impression to me. Your lack of spirit is even worse than zanbyull. And your story, is just a guy-met a guy, and hitting each others with their own respective clubs. 3/10

At least thought a little and use your imagination to create a story. For a better effort (yet still lacking), I'll pick zanbyull.


Knock off of how I CnC'd a few times, Triss, you're dead to me. Arvine is dead to Chance. Deal wid it


Aaaanyway, Can't CnC too well, can only use my phone atm... but I will review it as soon as I can
kingkickass2013

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May 29, 2013 7:29 AM #988397
YOUR STORIES ARE TOO DAMN SMALL!

However, I found Zanybull's story since he didn't have 1 word sentences.
merich1
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May 29, 2013 11:35 AM #988541
Thanks for the CnC everybody. Looks like I'm going to lose this one badly. Now I'm just itching for another fight to fix my mistakes. Great.

Is it acceptable to write "practice matches" and post them in the Original Literature section for review? Like, I write up a battle against a random wRHG?

Also, I will now begin to make my wRHG page more detailed.
ErrorBlender
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May 29, 2013 11:59 AM #988556
It's better that you make practice matches with a random wRHG you made up. Like his enemy, that way you could practice while forwarding and building your character with history.
zanbyull
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May 31, 2013 6:10 PM #991553
You did a great job though merich. No hard feelings bruh?
Chamel
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May 31, 2013 9:36 PM #991670
If you read this Merich, I'd like to see how Pencilium does against Chance. Use him for one of your practice writings to get the feel of using other people's characters (as that xan be hard to do sometime).
merich1
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May 31, 2013 11:30 PM #991724
Quote from Chamel
If you read this Merich, I'd like to see how Pencilium does against Chance. Use him for one of your practice writings to get the feel of using other people's characters (as that xan be hard to do sometime).


Alright, thanks.
Rochedan

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Jun 1, 2013 1:25 PM #992326
Aah well, I stumbled on the first grammar error in Crow's story. So you got my vote Merich :D