The History of Strike - The Bounty Hunter

Started by: GigarNinja | Replies: 4 | Views: 682

GigarNinja

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Jul 5, 2013 9:55 PM #1026933
It all began on February 17, 1988, the day of the birth of John Harrison Stive which currently has 25. He was born on a humble family, but separate. There was a conflict between the Harrison family and the Straves, because they could not decide where your future baby would live. Because John (father Stive / Strike) had not yet married to Leila and the marriage never happened as desired.
With 5 years Strike faced their first fight. It was with Harry, better known as the school bully, he hit all the judo class Strike student who was also confronted the bully and punched left q left Harry unconscious and surprised everyone and won reputation. He became the happiest kid in the world, but at age 12 he lost his father who was murdered, Stive was sent to the Municipal Orphanage where he cried up to 18 years. Strike when he left the orphanage immediately sought his mother asking, seeking answers. But then stopped to think and said: - I need to find a home and a job.
He studied medicine and tried to work on Hospital Hoyale but saw death before their eyes again reminded of his father, then resigned.
At 22 he tried to do engineering, but there was a crisis that forced to resign 400 people in the company, the Strike was one of them, coming to your home is basically a Hotel met a man named Octroz who spoke with Stive whispering Me seems who lost his job and has a vengeful spirit, wants to be a bounty hunter?

Continues...
TyTheGamerGuy
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Jul 5, 2013 10:55 PM #1026968
Just a little Constructive criticism here. I found this a little hard to read, because the names changed constantly and I had no clue when it changed from past tense to present to future. Also some words either seemed to be missing or just simply didn't belong. I don't want this all to seem mean, because I really am trying not to be mean. Thanks for reading, GigarNinja.
Chamel
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Jul 5, 2013 11:00 PM #1026974
Don't worry about being harsh bro, criticism is supposed to be harsh. For example:

I can't read this worth at all. It switches tenses way too much, there is no clear intention, and I just can't tell what's going on. You need serious work, because otherwise, no one will be able to read this.
Xate
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Jul 6, 2013 2:54 AM #1027204
The godamn name switching. Pick one. Either Stive or Strike. Also, your layout is freaking confusing me.

"With 5 years Strike faced their first fight. It was with Harry, better known as the school bully, he hit all the judo class Strike student who was also confronted the bully and punched left q left Harry unconscious and surprised everyone and won reputation."
This is the prime suspect. There's also the tense switching, too.
GigarNinja

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Jul 6, 2013 8:05 PM #1027806
Sorry for that. I am brasilian. I don't have a good english. I will upgrade this text. Well Stive is Strike, Strike will a codename for he on the agency of bounty hunters. A hug, GigarNinja