The Ones to Fear.

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Cruel
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Aug 31, 2013 12:44 AM #1076564
OK. So i am very foreign to the concept of writing and dont read novels very often, but i have decided to write a coninuous story that i will end when i feel like it. I will post my quick drafts here and see what you think. Keep in mind, im fuckin writing this from my phone on notepad, so there are bound to be some typos and issues with paragraph spacing an whatnot because im not sure how it will look on a pc.

I will add the chapters in spoilers. Some arent very long, so just deal with it. :3 Let me know what you think and feel free to Cnc and give me suggestions!

The Ones to Fear


Spoiler (Click to Show)

Amanda slowly began to regain conciousness. She brought a hand to her head and felt the baseball sized welt where she had been hit. She sat up and tried to clear her head. She sat in a crude chain link little prison. The bastards had left a fucking hole in the corner as a bathroom.

Amanda scoffed in discust and tried to see if there was any indication as to where she was. It was relatively dark in the room aside from the single light over what seemed to be a butchers cutting table. There where knives and pigs hanging from the cieling and the place reeked of blood. The chainlink door containing her was locked with a chain and pad lock. Amanda stood up and tried to force the rusty door open, but was only rewarded with an annoying rattling noice. The door across the room opened and a ruged looking man came in holding a pistol.

"You shouldnt have resisted, this could have gone easier." He said as he shut the door behind him, making the knives hanging from the ceiling cling together.

"Fuck you" Amanda responded. The man came to the chain link fence containing the 15 year old girl. He was maybe in his late forties, had a rugged beard, and matted hair. Not really something worth looking at, but now a days, who was?

"You see girl," he said as he slid a tray of food under a slit in the fence. "You're special". Amanda ignored him and grabbed the bread and ate it in a hurry, she hadn't eaten in 2 days.

The man let out a sigh. "Im andy." He said and smiled lightly, "whats your name?" Amanda flicked him off and drank the warm milk on the tray, she hadnt had milk in years.

"You know im trying to make this easy on you, the others want to kill you." He sat on a stool and began sharpening one of the knives before placing it on the counter again.

"The feeling is mutual." Amanda replied as she pushed her long black hair aside. She took a hair tie from her wrist and put her hair back in a pony tail.

The man sighed again. "Have it your way." He stood up and went for the door when it suddenly opened and two other men stepped in.

"Wheres the bitch" one said angerly.

"Your moms not here asshole, calm down" Amanda replied from her cage.

"Why you little shit, im gona-" Andy put a hand on his chest, stopping him from advancing.

"No. Ill take her to the warehouse and we'll decide there".

The man let out a deep breath and nodded before he stormed out of the room.

Warehouse? Amanda knew where that was. They were in Sandburg. Shit. She knew to avoid that town, if only she hadnt been tracked back to her hideout none of this would have happened. The damn rabbit she killed for food must have bled a little trail in the snow on her way back.

The second man with Andy pulled out a pistol and pointed it at the girl while andy unlocked the chain. He opened the squeeky door and amanda stepped out. The food helped clear Amanda's head. They were stupid to have locked her in a kitchen. Weapons everywhere.

She stepped out slowly and Andy placed a hand on her back to guide her. He'd regret that. Before the gunman could react, amanda grabbed the knife from off the counter and stabbed the gunman in the throat. He drobbed the gun and grabbed for the object lodged in his trachea, but not before amanda forced it out, spilling his blood all over her arm as he collapsed.

Andy reached to his waist for his pistol. Amanda grabbed the gunmans pistol on the floor and fled out the open door, barely avoiding Andy's gunfire.

"You hear that? Gun shots! Somethings up!" Fuck. The other guards were onto her. She ran down the hall and ran into the nearest room, knowing Andy would be right behind her. There was a window and they were on the first floor. Perfect. She scanned the room for anything heavy and found a brick on the ground. She broke the window with it and the freezing winter air hit her face. She jumped out, brick still in hand, and threw the brick at a window in a different direction, hoping to mislead the men chasing her.

"This is YOUR fault Andy!" Amanda heard before she ran into an alley. The blizzard was good for cover, but amanda would need shelter in no more than an hour. The dark blue jacket she had on was warm, but not warm enough.

She hid behind a dumpster and went over her options. This was a town, theres no way she could kill everyone, and frankly, she didnt want to. She would have to find a way out. Her hide out was south of here in an abandoned barn, and Jacob would no doubt be waiting for her. It wouldnt necissarily be safe though, there would be infected no doubt.

This fucking zombie apacolyps made life that much more difficult. But now a days, it was the normal people you needed to worry about.[/spoiler]

Spoiler (Click to Show)
8 years old. His dark hair, trimmed beard and wayward gaze made him appear distant at times, but he was always focused. He was a mercenary. For the right price he would take just about any job.

He sat up from his couch and rubbed his eyes. His place wasnt much, but it was better than nothing. Chicago was a pretty shitty place to begin with. It used to be so beautiful, he visited it once before the outbreak. The buildings loomed over everything as though nothing could destroy them. But now....it was a wasteland. Most of the buildings had fallen when the military bombed the city in an attempt to contain the infected. It worked for awhile, but if even one straggling sprinter gets out, it can start another outbreak elsewhere.

This parasite wasnt anything to mess with. It infected in less than 3 days, and took control of the victims brain. It slowly deteriates the body of the host until the host needs to eat. Constantly. If the host isnt provided with meat soon after infection, the parasite will reproduce to make up for the loss of muscle mass in the victim, resulting in multiple forms of mutation.

Jacob stood up and grabbed his gun from off the dresser and holstered it on his belt. He grabbed his pack off the floor and put it on as he walked into the kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of whiskey from the cubboard when the door opened and Sarah entered the appartment.

"Ever hear of knocking?" He said over his shoulder as he poured himself a glass.

"Ever hear of not drinking for breakfast?" She replied. She set her back pack down and sat at the table.

"I found him Jacob" she said as she rummaged through her pack.

"Who?" Jacob said as he drank a swig of whiskey.

"Bennet. That sneaky son of a bitch." She said as she pulled a map out and spread it out on the table. "Right fucking here" she stabbed the spot on the map with her knife.

"The fucker's downtown? Thats crawling with military. Hes not exactly the most reputable man."

"I know." Sarah replied. "That's why he has a subway hide out. The military is practically guarding his operation for him."

"Who did you hear this from?" Asked Jacob as he downed the rest of the glass.

"I paid off Matt, from the gun parts store, to tell me where one of Bennets boys was at. I had a little chat with him."

"Is he still with us?" Asked Jacob jokingly.

Sarah smiled. "Well his body is."

"So what now?"

"We get his ass and make him pay up. Thats what."

"How much does he owe us?" Asked Jacob.

"Owe? The asshole stole a food shipment from us!" Sarah said, slamming her fist on the table. "If we didnt have reserves we would be starving and relying on ration cards."

"Uhg, military food"

Most people in the city relied on the military for their food. It mostly consisted of canned beans and dirty water. Not exactly gourme. The shipments werent much better, but milk and eggs sometimes made it through from down south. The military had a pretty frequent tendency to run out of food as well, and it wasnt worth relying on.

"When do you want to get him." Jacob asked.

"We leave at noon" she replied "then we wait till after dark to get back. We'll need to go around the outer wall to avoid getting stuck at the check point."

"So soon? Alright." jacob said. He walked over to his pantry and opened it to reveal a stack of ammo clips.

"How many do you need?" Jacob asked, putting a fresh clip into his pistol.

"I have two left, but give me a third and i should be alright." She replied. Jacob tossed her a clip and closed the ammo stash.

"Lets head out Sarah"[/spoiler]

Spoiler (Click to Show)
ob walked down the littered street and pushed through the crowd at the markets. People were everywhere in little shacks trying to trade for anything of value. Anything from scrap metal, to food, to warmer clothing for the upcoming winter. A cool autumn breeze blew through Jacobs hair as he and Sarah made it through the crowd.

They walked up to the checkpoint and allowed for the military men to check them for any hints of infection. The uniformed man carrying an assault rifle waved them through. They were getting close to downtown.

"Sarah, there are multiple entrances to the subway and most are blocked off anyway. Which one are we looking for?"

"The one on the east side, closest to the wall." She replied

"What makes you so sure. How can you trust what he said was true?"

She smiled again "Oh he sang Jacob, sang like a bird. Dying men dont lie."

"Some do. They have nothing to lose."

Sarah stopped and turned to Jacob "trust me Jacob." She turned and continued walking to the east side of downtown.

They arrived at the entrance about an hour later. It was boarded up real good.
"Shit" said sarah. "The piece of shit lied"

"Maybe not..." Replied Jacob.

He took a knee and examined the dirt for foot prints. There was one set that was still barely visable and it led to a little shed by the wall that blocked the infected outside. Jacob broke the little pad lock on the shed and opened up the wooden door. There was a tunnel that must have been an emergency escape from the subway at one point.
"Good work Jacob" Sarah said patting his back. She stepped down on the ladder and decended into the dark tunnel.

The tunnel was musty and dark, only illuminated by a small lamp sitting on a tall crate. There were boxes and crates everywhere and it was littered with papers and other useless junk. There were doors that led out into different rooms. It would be easy to infiltrate.

Once Jacob made it down into the tunnel, Sarah held her hand up in a fist indicating for him to stay silent. There were two men both armed with pistols by some crates. They were facing the other direction. Sarah signaled that she would take out the one on the left.

"Hey man, did you take inventory on the new weapon shipment?" Said one of the men.

"Not yet, i still have to move this shit to the storage area. Its weighs a ton."

"Alright, well we have to take care of those stupid guns after this, alright?"

The man turned around where his partner was a second ago. There was silence.
"Hello?" The man readied his pistol nervously. "You fuckin with me Murphy? Come on, we have to finish". Sarah was good when it came to stealth. Now it was Jacobs turn.

"Dude, where the hell did you--" his sentence was interupted by jacob grabbing him by the throat from behind. The man resisted and tried to grab the figure restricting his breathing, but Jacob tightened his choke hold until the man slipped out of conciousness and dropped him on the floor.

"My way was faster." Sarah said and smiled as she sheathed her bloodied knife.

"Lets get this over with" Jacob replied and scavenged the amunition from the unconcious man.

They continued to the door of the next room and peeked inside. Four guards, two with guns and two with machete's.

"We're gona have to go loud." Jacob whispered. Sarah nodded and readied her gun. She counted up to three on her fingers. One. Two. Three.

They breached the open door and discharged four bullets, killing the two armed men while the two with machetes hid behind crates. Sarah flanked left and shot one with the machete from his cover. The last man tried to escape out the door, but Jacobs shot clipped him in the abdomen. He spun out and crashed into a table. Jacob entered the room and finished him with a bullet to the head.

"Oh shit, they found me! Cover the door!" Bennet was here. Sarah slid behind a crate as three more armed men entered the room, pistols ablaze on Sarah's position. Jacob knew he was safe where he was, but he also had to try and either draw their fire, or flank them. He decided to see how good his aim was. He stood up and fired 6 consecutive shots. One man was hit in the arm and stomach and it drove the other two to take cover. They returned fire and Jacob ducked behind his crate as the top was splintered with bullets. Sarah tood advantage of the distraction and switched covers. She shot one of the men in the leg, throwing him to the ground. She laid down covering fire for Jacob as he flanked right and shot the remaining enemy in the chest.

Sarah walked over to the man with a leg wound.

"No please, im just a gun for hire, dont-" thats all he got out before Sarahs knife forcefully entered his throat. She sheathed the knife and ran out the door only to find Bennets cowardly ass climbing the ladder escape. Close on his heels, Sarah and Jacob rushed up after him on the rusty ladder.

They emerged on the surface and saw Bennet frantically trying to start his car in the alleyway. Sarah had one bullet left in her clip, and she used it wisely. She shot into the glass of the windshield, spraying peices of glass all over Bennets eyes. He screamed and grabbed his face in agony as Sarah opened the car door, dragged him onto the concrete, and kicked him in the gut.

"Wheres our fucking shipment" Sarah said. She knelt down and grabbed him by the hair to lift his head.

He was whimpering almost "I dont--" Sarah slammed his face, covered in shattered glass, into the concrete. He screamed as the sharp bits cut up his face and left eye, spilling blood onto the road.

"Where is it!" Yelled Sarah.

"I sold it!" He said through gritted teeth.

"You," she grinded his face into the pavement. "SOLD it".

"Yes! I'll pay you back, just give me time, I'll--" Sarah unsheathed her knife and stabbed him in the thigh. He screamed again.

"To who?" She said in a menecing voice.

"I...its....i cant--" Sarah twisted the knife.

"Stop! It was to the Red Dragons alright?!" Sarah wasnt satisfied. She pulled the knife out forcefully and stabbed him in the other thigh.

"Where?" She asked in her sadistic voice over Bennets screams of anguish.

"Out east from here! Somewhere in indiana! Please just stop!" He started crying on the ground. Pathetic.

Sarah stood up and reloaded her pistol.

"You satisfied Jacob?" She asked rhetorically.

Jacob played along.

"Absolutely"

Bennet caught on to what they were thinking.

"No wait! Dont--!" Sarah put a bullet between his eyes, splattering his brain matter on the pavement.

Sirens sounded and the sound of the military trucks was heard.

"Shit, Sarah lets get out of here"

"Right!"[/spoiler]

Spoiler (Click to Show)
ded at this rate Sarah." Jacob said pesemistically.

"I know, let me think." Sarah said, pacing by Bennets body. There was two options, fight through back to a safe house they had in downdown. That was too risky, they were out numbered and out gunned. There was only one other option.

"Wheres the sewer exit that leads outside the wall?" Asked Sarah in a hurry. Jacob nodded in agreement.

"Not far. Lets go." Jacob reloaded his gun as they ran from the alley where Bennet met his end. They turned a corner down another alley and vaulted
acutelatios
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Aug 31, 2013 4:15 AM #1076682
Wow, this really good~I am absolutely loving this series so far and I really can't wait for more! However though it was good, it could be improved. So here's my CnC, some Tips and what I liked in the first two chapters~

yo (Click to Show)


So yeah, that's pretty much all I caught so far. Again, this series is looking pretty good! The errors were minor and most of the time it didn't stop me from enjoying your story.

I hope I helped a little with writing and stuff. I hope to see more of your works; you're doing really well for just starting out~

o w o


PS I'm lazy to get on a laptop so I wrote this all on my phone~hahaha~
Cruel
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Aug 31, 2013 5:33 AM #1076742
Quote from acutelatios
Wow, this really good~I am absolutely loving this series so far and I really can't wait for more! However though it was good, it could be improved. So here's my CnC, some Tips and what I liked in the first two chapters~

yo (Click to Show)


So yeah, that's pretty much all I caught so far. Again, this series is looking pretty good! The errors were minor and most of the time it didn't stop me from enjoying your story.

I hope I helped a little with writing and stuff. I hope to see more of your works; you're doing really well for just starting out~

o w o


PS I'm lazy to get on a laptop so I wrote this all on my phone~hahaha~


Thank you so much for this awesome CnC. It helped alot and i will try to improve my repetition, i noticed it as well, its just annoying to edit a whole story on a phone. But until i get back home to my computer, this is all i have to work with. I will also try to space it out better, but again, we'll see how that even works on the ipone. :l

Chapters 3 and 4 are done, Ill edit them soon. Muahahahah i have a lot of ideas for this.
blakphoenix
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Aug 31, 2013 7:05 PM #1077053
First of all, that intro note was great. It was just "I'm new, I don't read, I'm writing this on a phone, so fuck you and deal with it while taking me seriously; I'll end this when I want yada yada yada." That's probably not what you meant, but that's how I interpreted it and I laughed for a good few seconds. :)

Aside from that meaningless comment of mine, which I make all the time so think nothing of it, these were enjoyable reads. Acute has touched on quite a few of my points that I would have brought up if they weren't taken! :p

So I'll go further in depth, which is what your story could use. The characters, the environment, the world in general feels flat. The dialogue between your two main characters is nice and suggests that they indeed have lived life together as allies, but they seem to have very one-dimensional characteristics. It feels like Amanda is only a ruthless killing machine, while Jake is simply her lackey.

You bring up points to decorate the scene which is nice,
Quote from Cruel
It used to be so beautiful, he visited it once before the outbreak. The buildings loomed over everything as though nothing could destroy them. But now....it was a wasteland.


but it doesn't paint an extremely vivid picture. Does the fog of destruction still linger in the rafters? Have some fauna began creeping it's way up the destroyed edifices? I know it's only your first draft, but depth is one of the many things to think about in writing. Also, as acute said, being sure to word things so you aren't taking six pages to describe an apple. Other than that, I'll be waiting in the shadows to "inspect" (a.k.a enjoy) the other chapters in this...neverending story...

EDIT:: Just read part four *pulls out a check list* that covers the depth of one character. Also this story has such a "The Last of Us" feel to it. It might be cause I love that game, but it's half of what I imagine while reading.
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Aug 31, 2013 10:58 PM #1077174
Quote from blakphoenix
First of all, that intro note was great. It was just "I'm new, I don't read, I'm writing this on a phone, so fuck you and deal with it while taking me seriously; I'll end this when I want yada yada yada." That's probably not what you meant, but that's how I interpreted it and I laughed for a good few seconds. :)

Aside from that meaningless comment of mine, which I make all the time so think nothing of it, these were enjoyable reads. Acute has touched on quite a few of my points that I would have brought up if they weren't taken! :p

So I'll go further in depth, which is what your story could use. The characters, the environment, the world in general feels flat. The dialogue between your two main characters is nice and suggests that they indeed have lived life together as allies, but they seem to have very one-dimensional characteristics. It feels like Amanda is only a ruthless killing machine, while Jake is simply her lackey.

You bring up points to decorate the scene which is nice,

but it doesn't paint an extremely vivid picture. Does the fog of destruction still linger in the rafters? Have some fauna began creeping it's way up the destroyed edifices? I know it's only your first draft, but depth is one of the many things to think about in writing. Also, as acute said, being sure to word things so you aren't taking six pages to describe an apple. Other than that, I'll be waiting in the shadows to "inspect" (a.k.a enjoy) the other chapters in this...neverending story...

EDIT:: Just read part four *pulls out a check list* that covers the depth of one character. Also this story has such a "The Last of Us" feel to it. It might be cause I love that game, but it's half of what I imagine while reading.



Your interpretation of my first comment is actually spot on. Im doing this for my own personal satsfaction and im looking to entertain others with my ideas all while improving a new hobby of mine.

Also...i knew SOMEONE would see the connection! Im trying to combine ideas of my inspirations that come from The Last of Us, Left 4 Dead, and Resident Evil. There will be a group of 4 people for awhile and i really am trying to capture the "humans are more dangerous than zombies sometimes" feel from The Last of Us, and the Red Dragon organization is essentially a less influential group than the Umbrella Corperation from Resident Evil. There are multiple connections i intentionally make without completely ripping off the games concepts.

And as for descriptions...i know. Im not very good at it and am trying to improve. I can do action sequences and dialogue ok, but when it comes to slow down a little and describe the enviroment, i have trouble coming up with analagies (lol "anal"agy) and comparisons. Those examples you gave are much better than i can come up with at the moment, but ill improve.


Chapter 5 is almost done. This comment made me go over my descriptions. SHIT i dont think i ever described what Sarah looked like...fuck. Well when i have a compute ill edit and finalize the whole thing, but i really found what i wanted with all this awesome Cnc. I am posting these to see how i can improve and develope my own writing style. So thank you both for your awesome comments and please continue to correct and give me suggestions.

And as for any gramatical mistakes, i probably saw them already. I just need my fucking computer -_-


Edit: I went over and fixed any grammar mistakes i saw off the top of my head, and i also added a few extra descriptions in places i felt needed it more. I will proof read the whole thing in more detail when I get home to my computer.
acutelatios
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Sep 3, 2013 7:19 AM #1078623
Wow, I see the improvement! It's looking great man; enjoying the story a lot! I can't wait to see what's next~
o w o

*gives Cruel a cookie*
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Sep 3, 2013 2:06 PM #1078750
Quote from acutelatios
Wow, I see the improvement! It's looking great man; enjoying the story a lot! I can't wait to see what's next~
o w o

*gives Cruel a cookie*


*noms on cookie*

So my parents got me a new laptop as a welcome home gift when I returned from mexico. Quality will hopefully improve as i am now able to edit and add to the story better. Thanks for all the cnc and helpfull comments, and more suggestions on what to add, characters to introduce, or general story line additions, are happily read and accepted. No seriously...I check this thread everyday for feed back on how I can improve. Thank you guys! :D
Boomerang
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Sep 4, 2013 6:52 AM #1079064
Dude. I really like this. You had me wanting to read more.

I also think its cool that your story is so open with other people and mine has one man in a tight spot with virtually no other people (I'm thinking about adding a chapter or two where the Delta team of the facility helps him out though). It's a pretty cool opposite: The loner trying to find a way out and get his memory back vs. the group trying to survive.

Also, why does he get reads and I don't ;~;. jk.
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Sep 4, 2013 7:10 AM #1079069
Quote from BoomerangReturns
Dude. I really like this. You had me wanting to read more.

I also think its cool that your story is so open with other people and mine has one man in a tight spot with virtually no other people (I'm thinking about adding a chapter or two where the Delta team of the facility helps him out though). It's a pretty cool opposite: The loner trying to find a way out and get his memory back vs. the group trying to survive.

Also, why does he get reads and I don't ;~;. jk.

Because he had 6 chapters already and the new ones were added in a short span of time?
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Sep 4, 2013 5:53 PM #1079305
Quote from BoomerangReturns
Dude. I really like this. You had me wanting to read more.

I also think its cool that your story is so open with other people and mine has one man in a tight spot with virtually no other people (I'm thinking about adding a chapter or two where the Delta team of the facility helps him out though). It's a pretty cool opposite: The loner trying to find a way out and get his memory back vs. the group trying to survive.

Also, why does he get reads and I don't ;~;. jk.


Haha, thanks. I try to develope each character enough so that you attatch yourself to them, all while shrouding their pasts in mystery. I find it fun.

Quote from GamerXD8
Because he had 6 chapters already and the new ones were added in a short span of time?


Yeah, I try to get a new chapter out every two or three days tops. I have a computer now so they may come out faster than that depending on how much spare time I have.
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Sep 4, 2013 6:48 PM #1079317
Im gonna have chapter 3 out hopefully by tonight. I try to deliver mine every other day. May be harder when school starts though
Cruel
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Sep 4, 2013 7:32 PM #1079330
Quote from BoomerangReturns
Im gonna have chapter 3 out hopefully by tonight. I try to deliver mine every other day. May be harder when school starts though


Nice. Im looking forward to it.


Chapter 7 is up! :D
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Sep 9, 2013 11:39 AM #1081751
Im not very good at it and am trying to improve. I can do action sequences and dialogue ok, but when it comes to slow down a little and describe the enviroment, i have trouble coming up with analagies (lol "anal"agy) and comparisons. Those examples you gave are much better than i can come up with at the moment, but ill improve.
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Sep 14, 2013 3:49 PM #1083412
Quote from joleyjames123
Im not very good at it and am trying to improve. I can do action sequences and dialogue ok, but when it comes to slow down a little and describe the enviroment, i have trouble coming up with analagies (lol "anal"agy) and comparisons. Those examples you gave are much better than i can come up with at the moment, but ill improve.


Why did you say what I said earlier....odd.


Chapter 8 is up! I ran out of creative chapter names so it's chapter fucking 8. Deal with it.
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Sep 25, 2013 4:01 PM #1088327
Chapters 9 and 10 are up! CnC is greatly appreciated and let me know what you think! :D