The Bracelet: Part I

Started by: Marshmallow_dude | Replies: 2 | Views: 487

Marshmallow_dude

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Dec 11, 2013 5:05 AM #1121864
I decided to start writing a story for Blayke that will intertwine with any battles he may have. So nevertheless, the start of Blayke's mighty adventure to find out the secret of the bracelet.

Part une (Click to Show)


Criticism is always appreciated. :)
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Dec 15, 2013 3:32 AM #1124091
Always happy to see a little character development! It's tricky working with only one character, but I still think you pulled it off rather nicely.

I did come across one thing that could make the story stand out a little more as I was reading this. As Blayke goes through more extreme emotions, you may want to showcase them more with actions around the feelings. It would emphasis them and leave them impacting your reader even more.

My grip tightens the neck, nearly shattering it from pure pressure. “You’re not a man.” His smug face scoffs. I hurl the bottle against the wall, causing it to crack into a million tiny pieces.


My grip tightens the neck, nearly shattering it from pure pressure as I strangle it. “You’re not a man.” His smug face scoffs, mocking my grip like it's as strong as a tulip. My face suddenly scrunches as something inside me snaps like a broken bone, and I hurl the bottle against the wall, causing it to explode like I had.

Additionally, you can use this to showcase the bonds and biases your narrator has with the people and things around him. Chose good words for things he likes, and bad ones for things he doesn't.

Nothing but beer, and whiskey… I slam the door. After getting a bowl of cereal for some sort of sustenance I get my keys and my bracelet.

Nothing but flat beer, and cheap whiskey… I slam the door. After getting a fresh bowl of cereal for some sort of sustenance I get my keys and my bracelet.

Not saying you should do this for every little thing, just to show you can do it for whatever you want.

And finally, on a final note, I'd stay away from extended caps lock. That might be a personal preference, but let me show you something.

Don't read this, just take a quick scan of this and see what you see first.

"" (Click to Show)


So, unless this is just me, whatever's caps could be your first impression. Just something to keep in mind!
Marshmallow_dude

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Dec 15, 2013 4:14 AM #1124124
lol thanks man. i totally could have used more descriptive words, and i didnt really think about that with the caps, its just whenever i read i dont really realize an exclamation mark from a period so i thought it wouldnt express as much unless i used caps. Also as a cop out excuse i was doing this kinda late at night so i was a bit tired, but thanks a lot!