Nhaleet, the test subject.


ability of what the enemy will do next based on their powers/personality. If he gets it right he can counter them before they attack. Utter faith in himself can prove disastrous to the enemy if Nhaleet gets an advantage, because he will not stop until he wins. If he is complimented at all in a battle he hangs on it, and becomes more solid, and can take more of a beating. He also has good agility to match his speed, allowing him to dodge enemy attacks. He does not have super human speed, just very trained speed. He can physically exert himself over long periods of time, and rarely gets tired, unless hurt. His current mood affects how he fights, for better or worse.[/spoiler]

apon would only slow me down".He is proficient in most any kind of weaponry, sometimes bringing a weapon into his fights if he knows it will work against them.[/spoiler]

he could end up putting himself in more danger than what he started out with. He is physically weak, and can be beaten with super speed, as his power can only tell him so much, especially before it fails. His pride can also become his enemy when he starts to get a disadvantage. Others taunting him can cause him to rage or become shaky on his feet. When he gets angry he gets a little tougher, but loses focus and can’t use his power or his speed. Strength can beat him, if it can hit him. Because of his intelligence, he can sometimes over think things and come up with the stupidest solution to a simple question. When injured he loses energy much faster, and can be fatigued beyond the point of thinking straight. If he becomes too tired, he gets double vision and can't use his power as well.[/spoiler]

e was created. A product of testing, a clone, he was created with superior intellect and kept to be tested on. His creators found that he could, with some chance, tell the future about others. Nhaleet was forced to fight others to test how far this ability could take him, and to see what limitations it had. Nhaleet hated his life, and conspired to escape. He slowly built up information about where he was kept, and in a daring move, he succeeded. He left the lab behind, and left his name, which was number 21, for a newer name. He didn’t know much about names, so he just formed some letters together and came up with Nhaleet. He continues to fight to show others that he has a purpose, that he isn't just some useless lab rat for others to test on, he is in fact better than all the others. He mostly wants to belong somewhere, and accepted by people for who he is.[/spoiler]

er faith in himself and thinks himself superior to all others. He likes to communicate, and to talk to other people, but sometimes comes across in a way he did not mean to. He doesn't think bad of others, he just “knows” that he is better himself. Along with his seriousness he has a playful side that only his closest of friends see, or if he really likes someone.. It is hard to gain his trust or his friendship, but once it is gained it is very hard to break. Extremely analytic, Nhaleet can not always understand his emotions. Nhaleet hates unclear thinking in himself, and will refuse to do anything that could affect his judgement. For this reason, he hates getting angry, it fogs his mind. He may have named himself Nhaleet subliminally because it sounds somewhat like "elite", which he believes himself to be. Nhaleet hates any unnecessary loss of life, and will do his best to not kill his enemy, unless he believes they deserve it. He can be very cruel, however, when he is angry. When depressed he withdraws into himself, and will not talk to others or trust them. When happy, he is extremely energetic and joking. He also has the emotional responses of a child, since he was raised apart from everything, and despite looking old he is actually young.[/spoiler]

He is taller than most, but overall similar in appearance to anyone else. However, he does likes to showcase himself, and wears extravagant clothing when it is optional. When in a fight he wears only things that can help him. He has short, straight brown hair, and when not “showcasing” himself, he wears a (usually designed) T-shirt and blue or black colors, with jeans. His extravagant clothing requires the brightest colors, and normally flows and bobs around him. In combat he wears a mottled gray uniform, with room for his daggers, on his back where they don't get in his way. He is very white himself, due to the fact he never got out of the lab into the sunlight. His favorite colors to wear are a deep or bright blue, fire red, and a deep dark purple.[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Demo]Hmm, who will they have me fight today? Number 21 wonders, as his creators lead him to the arena. One of the scientists says something, “Oh you will have fun today 21, you are fighting our giant, number 18”. He stops talking, leaving 21, I'm not just test subject 21 anymore. I am Nhaleet now, today I escape. Unfortunately, I have to first get through 18. I’ve never seen him before, but there have been rumors with the scientists… Nhaleet is forced to stop his train of thought at that as the scientists move him through a doorway, into the elevator that will take him up to the arena.

He tries to start a conversation with one of the scientists while in the elevator, “Hey, Frank, I thought you were off this weekend”. The scientist, Frank, looking somewhat sad, responds with “Yeah, I thought so too, but since you are fighting 18, security was doubled. We can’t have him rampaging through our people like he did last time”. Great, so he’s cause to double security. That means I won’t be able to escape as easily after beating him. I’ve been planning this for too long to have him ruin it, the chance only comes once a month. Frank’s voice snaps him out of his thoughts “Good luck in your fight, and don’t get broken in half”. Nhaleet takes a moment to respond, trying to come up with a witty response. “That wouldn’t exactly be on the top of my agenda, being broken in half, sounds rather painful”. Not exactly a smart response, was it? This elicits a laugh from the scientist as he leaves. Frank, the only one I can call friend after all this time, I will make sure not to kill him during my escape.

Nhaleet comes up to the arena, which is mostly a circle in the ground specifically for fighting. It was nothing special, it had no trees, nothing. Just walls, closing them in a cylindrical area. Nhaleet felt cramped, the same as always, he decided it felt like being in a soda can. His eye immediately comes to his opponent, Test Subject Number 18. A giant of a man, he was created for brute strength, and Nhaleet knew this meant he couldn't let the big man touch him. The man was easily 8 feet tall, wearing a simple outfit, black sweatpants with a white, sleeveless shirt. He was grotesquely muscular, it was simply disgusting how big his muscles were. The man looked like a fat caterpillar. Nhaleet had to stifle a laugh, but then got serious.As long as I trust my premonitions, and fight with speed, I should be ok, this big man cannot match my intelligence, so I have to fight smart.

The buzzer to start the fight went off somewhere overhead, and Nhaleet was immediately in action, but so was 18. Nhaleet dodged under and to the left of one of the giant’s looping left hooks, then right and jumped over the following jab. While in the air, Nhaleet managed to land 3 hits on the giant’s face with a slight slapping sound, none of which seemed to do any damage. My hits will do nothing to him, I should tire him out. Nhaleet dodged this way and that, but he was getting tired even faster than the giant was. I can’t keep this up forever, I will have to attack him, I just have to do it at the right time.

Nhaleet uses his ability to analyze the giant. He continuously uses punches, not kicks, he is sticking around the hooks and jabs, but… Nhaleet had a flash of premonition. There is an 84.27 percent chance that he will use his right hook followed by a left jab, and a 93.17 percent chance that he will use an uppercut after that.

Nhaleet knew what he had to do. He just had to time it right... He jumped over a left hook, dodged underneath a mighty jab, and stepped back. When the uppercut comes for me, I will have to get around... there! Nhaleet stepped forward, into the uppercut. He stayed just out of range, but looped his arm in the niche of the giant’s elbow, and used his hand to push downwards onto his giant clenched fist. He flew into the air, and knew that by pushing the bigger mans clenched fist, that he had created the illusion that the giant had hit the little man, and probably killed him. Now all I have to do is kick him on my way down, with all of this momentum built up, it should knock him out cold, I can use the movement in his body and in mine to absorb the shock of the landing. Nhaleet turned, and pointed his heel downwards, towards the giants head. Come on, look up, see your opponent as he falls to the floor!

The giant looked up to see where his opponent had gone, and heel met skull as he did so. No! He is falling over instead of bending his joints, if I jump I sprain my ankle, if I don’t, I break my leg. With that thought, Nhaleet jumped. On the way down he tried to brace himself, but to no avail, he landed on his ankle and sprained it with a yelp. The scientists came in and wrapped it up, but Nhaleet would have to pass on the escape plan, for this month… it meant he would have to wait. Eugh, why did he have to fall like he did? He screwed up all the plans I have been working for years on! For now, anyway. There is no telling when my next chance might come up, especially if they keep using people like that to fight me. The scientists took him to a small doctor's office. I hope it's not serious, that could be disastrous. If I become useless to these people... no, I don't even want to think about that. Errgh, The adrenaline from the fight is subsiding, and this hurts like hell. He looked down, and saw his ankle for the first time. It was swollen, much like a marshmallow. Nhaleet groaned again.

"Well, it doesn't look too bad, if you stay off of it for two to three weeks it should be alright." The doctor's voice destroyed Nhaleet's thoughts. "Oh, so it's not too serious?" he asks of the doctor. The doctor looks at some paperwork and responds, "Not really, it will hurt but I can give you something to help with that-" Nhaleet jumps at the thought. "No! I don't want medications for it." Nhaleet spits at the doctor. Taking it in stride, the doctor asks him "What, are you religious now? I thought they didn't allow that in their test subjects." Nhaleet responds with confusion. "What? No, I'm not religious, never really gave any thought to it. Even if I wanted to be, where would I learn about it? The reason I don't want the medication is that pain medications can affect your judgement, and I don't want that." The doctor smiled. "Why wouldn't you? You won't be doing much but laying down for the next while anyway..." The doctor fills a syringe with a clear liquid, and Nhaleet was overcome with a feeling of dread, like someone had shoved a sword so far down his throat it was in his stomach.

Something is wrong, they usually aren't so adamant. They usually know I don't take medications like that anyway "Who are you?" Nhaleet asks the doctor. "Who am I? Let's just say that I know everything about you, Nhaleet." The doctor responds, and Nhaleet noticed he called him by his self given name, instead of his number. How would he know that? "Oh, you think you must be so secretive, hiding all your books, and talking to others like you were still the same old 21."
Nhaleet thinks for a moment, and asks "Who are you, then? I believe I have the right to know the name of my accuser." The doctor laughs, and says "Why? So you can hunt me down and kill me after you 'escape'? Heh, that's rich. Let's just say I'm the boss around here." The doctor laughed at Nhaleet's confusion.

Nhaleet recovered quickly, asking "The boss? So, if I made you tell me, you would know how to escape here?" Nhaleet snapped and rushed into action, knowing he couldn't let this opportunity slip away. He tried to hit the mysterious "boss" man in the throat, but he was gone. Where did he go?. "You really think, that I would own all of this testing facility, and not use the successful experiments on myself?" Another laugh. Great, he uses all of the ones that work. Wait, that means.... he may have my power too! I'll have to be careful, but it's too late now to turn back "Before I kill you, Nhaleet, I want you to know my name, it's-" Nhaleet used the distraction to launch an offensive.

His attack lands right on the boss, and a right jab hit the bigger man in the jaw. "So you don't want to know my name, huh? Fine, you don't have to." the boss tells him matter-of-factly. Nhaleet responds with "I'll grab it off your wallet after I kill you!" and feints an attack to the left. The large man falls for it, but Nhaleet doesn't go for the opening, instead he skirts back. So that's that, he doesn't have my power, he wouldn't have fallen for the feint. Knowing this, Nhaleet feels much better. He still has his teleporting, but based on the way he took my hit, he doesn't have super strength. I can understand that, considering how much it ballooned 18's muscles, made him look ugly. It was probably a little detrimental to health as well.

Nhaleet realized something at that point, if teleporting was the main power, Nhaleet could use his own to figure out where the boss would teleport before he knew himself. If I can use his teleportation to my advantage, I need to use my power and make a fake offensive All of these thoughts raced through Nhaleet's mind, furrowing his brows, within a few heart beats. The boss still saw it and attacked first. Perfect, I can counter if he opens himself. Nhaleet favored his right leg, since his left was injured. The boss must have known this, since he circled around to the right, so if Nhaleet tried to dance backwards he would have to put weight on his left leg.

The boss was coming around again, but while he was position himself, Nhaleet analyzed him the same way he did number 18. He's going to, oh no. There is a 50.25% chance of him throwing out a left hook, a .05% chance of him hitting me with an uppercut, a 48.7% chance of him using a quick right jab, and a 1% chance of him a different attack. Which do I block? Nhaleet decided to block the most likely, the left hook. He dodged downwards and left, pretty much falling over when he put weight on his left leg. The larger man hit him with a right jab, sending Nhaleet the rest of the way to the ground. "Do you give up yet, 21?" the doctor taunted him. He used the number again, instead of the name, telling Nhaleet that his escape had already failed.. "No, but you should. You got a lucky hit, it won't happen again." Nhaleet taunted him right back, but he was starting to get irritated. It was hard to focus, past the pain and the frustration. He couldn't trust his power now, unless he had a little while to use it. I have a little while to use my power now, I just need to keep him distracted.

"So, why are you fighting me anyway, Mr. Boss man?" Nhaleet asks him. The doctor laughs, and starts pacing. "Isn't it obvious? I'm here to test your power, if I think its useful I will take it for myself." The man let loose a more deranged laugh. All the while Nhaleet was analyzing and judging him. Nhaleet had him figured out, now. Nhaleet feinted to the left, and the boss didn't fall for it. That was too bad for him, considering Nhale

Dude, a little more work on your page. It's a promising wRHG but like Triss said, no one would stop and read your page if you d on't improve it. GL in your future battles.

Huh. Diffidently not what I was expecting the first people to say.

Very interesting concept for a character!

I actually read the whole thing, it seemed short but more less to be to the point so it felt effective.

Also, the page as a whole looks very clean with all the spoilers, so respect for that right there.

Quote from Crank

Huh. Diffidently not what I was expecting the first people to say.

Very interesting concept for a character!

I actually read the whole thing, it seemed short but more less to be to the point so it felt effective.

Also, the page as a whole looks very clean with all the spoilers, so respect for that right there.

It's clean, but I don't feel "excited" when reading it, unlike your characters or others.
His concept is good, but I just hated that he explain it in a monotone way.

Probably with a head full of equations, I just get a bit frustated at reading a bland wRHG. Sorry iaren XP.
I shouldn't explode.

It's no problem Triss, and you were right. I have problems incorporating excitement or other feelings into my writing, and I need to work on that.
Also; thank you Crank. I tried to keep it short so that people didn't lose interest from me repeating the same things.

CNC~

-While I appreciate the way you show the reader the true intention of your gladiator through thought, you could improve on how you do it. Maybe not make it so direct? For instance : "No, I am Nhaleet now, today I escape, but first I have to get through 18. I’ve never seen him before, but there have been rumors…" . This is a little too direct in my opinion and it seems more like you're trying to talk to the audience. You need to make it sound more like he is talking in his head and to himself. Something like : "I'm not 21; I am Nhaleet, and this is the day I will escape. This 18 though... I've only heard rumors... Okay, just keep your calm and breathe; this will be over soon." <-- Something maybe like that, or if someone could give a better example.. Just don't make it seem like he's trying to talk to the audience with his thoughts. Remember: your character has no idea he is being watched through the 4th wall XD

- Note: The above statement applies to a few occurrences, but not all.

-Don't numbers (3,4,5) in writing. It's unprofessional and sloppy. Write it out. Along with that, try using words like "approximately", "roughly", "around", or even "circa" in some instances when dealing with percentages. It makes it neater and adds a little more finesse when it comes to your word choice.

-I have to say it... I absolutely hate how you space your paragraphs. It's cluttered, unorganized, and frankly, I might not have continued to read your demo if I didn't want to find out how Nhaleet beat 18 so badly. I apologize, but it's aggravating to see someone with decent potential screw up on something so little. Look at Sacred's spacing. It's superb. Try mimicking the way he spaces his paragraphs (save for the fact that he introduces a new paragraph almost every time dialogue is used. Try to refrain from that..)

-I know you already explained you have difficulties portraying emotion with characters. For that, try describing little things. Like did he grunt? Huff? What did he feel to know that he was getting tired? Were his legs burning? Was it getting difficult to breathe? Etc. Little things such as that (in just about ANY circumstance) can get you a long way.

-Your physical description was lacking as well. When I pictured 18, I literally thought of a giant, muscled, nakid guy. And Nhaleet as well. Even though there is a general appearance section, which incorporates his wardrobe, it's good to let the audience know what he is wearing and how it reacts to certain things. BUT, your appearance section is extremely broad when it comes to fashion choices. What do you mean by "extravagent"? Or how does his clothing help him in battle? Etc. There is just not enough information (in either the demo or appearance section) to fully visualize the character, which is an important aspect for writers.

-Your comma use... Needs some serious work. Here. Try this.

-Lastly, your conclusion. While your introductory "paragraph" was quite alright with throwing the reader straight into the middle of things, I feel as if your conclusion could use A LOT of work. Seriously? Three sentences to end the thing? Come on! Draw it out! Give the audience closure with the story; don't just leave them wondering what on Earth just happened.

-----

Overall, I think you have pretty good potential. Just work on a few things and view what others have to say.

OH! And welcome to wRHG~!

Thank you Chamel, I will work on the things you talked about, but I don't think I will use those words such as "approximately", it's why I added the decimal, to show precision and exactness. The basis of the entire character is precision with numbers.
I am allowed to edit my character page, right?

You are allowed to edit your wRHG page, yes.

You've shown that you definitely have a good foundation to build your writing skills with what you have so far. The word choices and flow of your ability, weakness, and story explanations aren't bad. Follow the advice given from the others to enhance the page, and don't be afraid to pretty it up. :)

My advice mainly has to do with the presentation. At first glance it looks as if you sped through the delivery of each requirement. Readers crave hefty, involved plot development. We want to be sucked into the fantasy. It's difficult to do that with "teaser trailers," which I think is a good comparison with what you've supplied for Nhaleet's background and Demo. Make the readers want to come back for more, and the best way to do that is read it yourself. If you think there should be more added, then by all means do. Don't be afraid to get heavily descriptive. Sometimes more is better, just keep control of that reign and don't commit the sin of filling. And make sure you keep a steady eye on the finish line of every piece you write, because it's easy to lose yourself while creating the story.

GL with your future in the Writer's Lounge. ^_^

I love that I can get feed back here without everyone being complete jerks about it :).

I added a little bit to my appearance, my story and demo will be changed later tonight (including the spacing).

Quote from iarentevil

I love that I can get feed back here without everyone being complete jerks about it :).

I added a little bit to my appearance, my story and demo will be changed later tonight (including the spacing).

Don't worry, in WL, everything tasted like rainbow.

Because writers are delusional bastards.

Is the spacing a little better now?

Quote from iarentevil

Is the spacing a little better now?

Dayum mang, I sense a terrific improvement. I actually loved it!

Anyway, I haven't said this before, but welcome to WL!
Keep growing dude!

Thank you Triss.

I wrote a bunch more for the demo but its 4 in the morning. I'll upload it and see if anyone has any feed back on it (Should I keep the new part or trash it?)

Lots of updates to the character!
Also 2 battles have happened (and one is still going)!
I am also reopen for challenges.