ErrorBlender (Click to Show)
Your place in the final is diffidently well deserved, both characters felt very strong in their week state and well defined. The actual battle created a good visual in my mind, and I enjoyed the reoccurring personification of the environment. There were a few words that were repeated here and there and I think I stumbled upon one awkward sentence where Kalena was speaking. Him/her had their moments, although your variation was good, but a few more the swords-woman/defined description would've helped a couple times. The last thing eludes me. Give me a minute.
Alright, got it. Watch out when you go into a character's head and go italics. Those are thoughts, right? There was a time or two it was missed entirely, or carried over into the actions. I've actually got an example of this one!
Corvon said it was magical, it drew essence from you every use. I can vouch for that since I’ve held and used the blade against the Saint. She will give in to fatigue at some point and with her current condition it may not take too long. The android thought. He felt a bit of strength leave him. His power waned and the suit’s energies were nearly depleted. It may not take too long for me either.
Corvon said it was magical, it drew essence from you every use. I can vouch for that since I’ve held and used the blade against the Saint. She will give in to fatigue at some point and with her current condition it may not take too long. The android thought. He felt a bit of strength leave him. His power waned and the suit’s energies were nearly depleted. It may not take too long for me either.
Bonus thing! Just rereading this for this, it felt a little choppy. I get the idea of wanting to break things up, but watch for too much stop and start.
The android thought. He felt a bit of strength leave him. His power waned and the suit’s energies were nearly depleted.
The android thought. He felt a bit of strength leave him, his power waned and the suit’s energies were nearly depleted.
Period just seems a tad long there.
Anyway, great piece!
Alright, got it. Watch out when you go into a character's head and go italics. Those are thoughts, right? There was a time or two it was missed entirely, or carried over into the actions. I've actually got an example of this one!
Corvon said it was magical, it drew essence from you every use. I can vouch for that since I’ve held and used the blade against the Saint. She will give in to fatigue at some point and with her current condition it may not take too long. The android thought. He felt a bit of strength leave him. His power waned and the suit’s energies were nearly depleted. It may not take too long for me either.
Corvon said it was magical, it drew essence from you every use. I can vouch for that since I’ve held and used the blade against the Saint. She will give in to fatigue at some point and with her current condition it may not take too long. The android thought. He felt a bit of strength leave him. His power waned and the suit’s energies were nearly depleted. It may not take too long for me either.
Bonus thing! Just rereading this for this, it felt a little choppy. I get the idea of wanting to break things up, but watch for too much stop and start.
The android thought. He felt a bit of strength leave him. His power waned and the suit’s energies were nearly depleted.
The android thought. He felt a bit of strength leave him, his power waned and the suit’s energies were nearly depleted.
Period just seems a tad long there.
Anyway, great piece!
Lobotomizer (Click to Show)
I was not, in any way, shape, or form surprised to see you at the finals. Extremely nicely done. It was true that your piece was rather long, but it was easy to get though with how easy you made it to be immersed in the story. I never saw Kalena as emotionless, more less reserved and very duty bound. She was always easy for me to connect to because of that to be honest with you. This time though, powerful emotions were prevalent and they felt appropriate for the loss she was dealing with. All characters seemed 3D, although I did find myself questioning Bl.An.C.'s mockery, but I feel like we're all entitled to a character mistake or two. The only negative that really stuck out to me was the fact that 'I's were split between capital and lowercase. It was odd to see, especially at your caliber so consistently.
Alright fine, there was another thing I was thinking of before, but slipped my mind when I typed 'The only negative' part. I'm too lazy to go back and change it, so I'll just write a couple sentences explaining, and apparently contradicting my laziness. Please ignore the lacking logic. Anyway, when the story shifts to Bl.An.C.'s perspective, I would've liked to see more of a transition to the man behind the suit. It felt like a sharp turn without it, so I think going through the visor or something to actually show his human side before just dropping his human name would've been nice.
Liked the ending by the way! I'm looking forward to what's next, as well as seeing if my gut's right about it!
Alright fine, there was another thing I was thinking of before, but slipped my mind when I typed 'The only negative' part. I'm too lazy to go back and change it, so I'll just write a couple sentences explaining, and apparently contradicting my laziness. Please ignore the lacking logic. Anyway, when the story shifts to Bl.An.C.'s perspective, I would've liked to see more of a transition to the man behind the suit. It felt like a sharp turn without it, so I think going through the visor or something to actually show his human side before just dropping his human name would've been nice.
Liked the ending by the way! I'm looking forward to what's next, as well as seeing if my gut's right about it!
Hewitt (Click to Show)
Yee of little faith. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
All things considered, I've got to give Lobotomizer my edge. Very well done to you both, I'm sad I'm late, but still glad to see the climatic finale the two of you told!