The pub was empty.

It was always empty.

And for that, it is the only one of its kind. For where else can you find a pub as cold and silent as this one?

Pubs, by definition, are the hearts of civilization; where all sorts of men and women drink and make merry.

Yet nobody ever drank here; nobody ever made merry here either.

There is only one sort of pub as uninhabited as this one.

Pubs like these are all long closed down; only an inoperative pub would look and sound as thus.

So why did the hooded man step through the doors of the pub in the back alley? Could he not see that it was dilapidated? Could he not see the dust that had gathered thick on the handle of the door he was pushing? Could he not hear that creaks that threatened to shake loose the door itself as he pushed?

No, no, no. The hooded man saw and heard all of that and more; but he also knew what no one else did.

The pub was not as empty as it seemed. Not anymore.

With a slow, almost contemplative stride, the hooded man stepped towards the dirt-covered bar. With an air of a man in his own home, he took oddly clean bottle off the otherwise empty shelves. A sweep of his robes sent the dust clinging to the chair spiralling downwards to the floor.

For a moment, the hands that held the bottle were almost tender; if ever a pair of hands could have spoken, those hands would have been whispering as though into the ears of a lover.

Then, with a sudden movement, those hands smashed the tip of the bottle against the bar.

The hooded one drank straight from the bottle, uncaring of the broken glass that came with the wine.

“You are rather resourceful.” Sighed a voice from the shadows. An old man emerged, a wine glass in one hand and a briefcase in the other.

“You already knew that.” remarked the hooded man coldly, tossing the now-empty bottle away into an obscure corner and wiping his mouth on his sleeve.

“Such a waste of good wine. But never mind; we both know why you are here.”

“That much is true.”

“We both know that the others were supposed to be here, too.”

“That is also true.”

“What I don’t know is what you did to them.”

The hooded man leaned forwards on his perch from the bar. “We both have questions.” The hooded man leaned against the bar, arms folded calmly against his chest. “And we both know you’re not going to answer mine until I answer yours. So why don’t you start first, and I’ll follow up.”

The old man hesitated for a moment, then shrugged. “Very well. It shall be as you wish. What happened to the others?”

“They were no longer able to make the trip.”

“Really?” Considered the old man. “I find that highly unlikely. They cared about this at least as much as you do. Possibly more.”

For the first time since the hooded man entered the bar, he laughed. It was not a pleasant laugh. “They had a very good reason.”

“Really.” It was now the old man's turn to be cold. "And I suppose you had something to do with that."

"They... were somewhat... I suppose, you could say, busy."

"What sort of task could be more important than this?"

"That, I'm afraid, is a second question." With a chilling smile, the hooded man leaned forward. "It's my turn now."

For a moment, the old man was almost stupefied; then a flash of anger swept across his face before he, too smiled. It was not a pleasant smile.

"Very well. What is your question?"

"What do you know of the race of the Undefeated One?"

The old man's smile did not falter; it grew into a bitter, self-mocking grin.

"Very well. You shall have my tale. It goes thus..."

At this point, the storyteller broke off his tale.

"Is that all?" The hooded man asked.

This is all I have so far. I'm still working on the rest.

Update: since this thread didn't have any new views... I decided to post that it was updated. Not sure if that was allowed. But allow me to continue this post if I am not allowed to post to announce an update.

I aim to create a new character that has a different writing style. Instead of going for epicness... which I can't really convey... I decided to go for long-windedness.

Not everyone can capture an epic scene. But everyone can be long winded.

Therefore, I decided to change my style a little; if I had any style to begin with, that is. I hope you will CNC on what was written thus far, especially on the introduction.

I suggest you stop updating your "story" until it is either complete or proofread because as it is, this thing ain't worth shit. Sorry to say but its true. From what I can tell, you started the narration with just the thing in spoilers and then expanded on the crappy part before and after the spoiler-thing in a later post. What possessed you to think this was a good idea is beyond me, because it just made things much much worse. Who ARE these people? Where ARE they? And why are they talking?

You try to add mystery by being as vague as possible. But you only served to cause the reader to throw their hands up in confusion. A reader should be able to know what's at stake from the moment he/she reads the first 5 lines or 1st paragraph of your story. Any more, and they'd have lost interest. Because we don't know ANYTHING, we don't see the need to invest in these people--the old man, the other dude, the pub etc. Moreso, there are some very obvious and nonsensical things in your piece to the point that I'm convinced you just posted this thing asap without careful editing on your part. The rule of thumb is, if it sounds weird and questionably out-of-place, revise it.

The pub was empty.

It was always empty.

And for that, it is the only one of its kind. For where else can you find a pub as cold and silent as this one?

Uhm, how bout when it's closed, abandoned, destroyed, dilapidated, under construction, on fire, ransacked, ravaged, etc. And what do you mean by "only one of its kind"? It's confusing---do you mean this is the only pub in the kingdom that just happened to be empty? Btw, empty does not always mean cold and silent. We literally have nothing else to go on but the way you are telling it. Don't be so lazy and show us why it's empty. Make us feel invested and make us care that this pub matters. And if it doesn't matter then why include it?! These 2 people could literally be anywhere right now, but no. It had to be THIS pub in particular. Why...?

How bout some context and description on the circumstances behind this establishment instead of just being vague about it. How long has this pub been standing? How many people did it once have every night? What has it gone through? What happened to it? Where are the bartender/owners of this place and what do they know about it?

Pubs, by definition, are the hearts of civilization; where all sorts of men and women drink and make merry.

Yet nobody ever drank here; nobody ever made merry here either.

WHY? Why are pubs the "hearts of civilization"? What does that even mean? That they're the source of a town's evolutionary existence? If every villain in the world razed all the pubs in the world, would the human race turn back into cavemen and go primal? Because that's what you're totally saying with that phrase. Don't be lazy and use a nonsense phrase to explain away why something matters. Explain why they are, specifically.

The second sentence is kinda funny in that drinking and making merriment are strictly exclusive. Like pubs can just be bars without having to party or celebrate and vice-versa. Also, why bother using the exact same verbs side by side in present then past tense? "They used to be lively. Now they aren't lively." Wow. I learned absolutely nothing from that.

There is only one sort of pub as uninhabited as this one.

Omg yes, finally we get to know everything about this pub. Finally...

Pubs like these are all long closed down; only an inoperative pub would look and sound as thus.

What. WHERE IS THIS PUB?! WHATS IT CALLED?! WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?! I haven't learned shit. You can't just jump from one tangent to another without explaining your point. Set up the setting to introduce us to the world. Don't just say "Oh there's this one pub thats not inhabited. I'm not saying where it is or how it's significant but this old guy just came into it." Immerse us.

So why did the hooded man step through the doors of the pub in the back alley? Could he not see that it was dilapidated? Could he not see the dust that had gathered thick on the handle of the door he was pushing? Could he not hear that creaks that threatened to shake loose the door itself as he pushed?

Okay this is actually kinda good. But inasmuch as it is the first thing with decent description at this point and it is just inside the pub. We see another paragraph later but other than that you've described nothing else. We still don't know why this pub is dead and where is it. And don't say it's in some foreign land that doesn't matter at this point. There are other ways to bring out the mistique in something without giving names but STILL being specific. Like is this pub in the slums? On a rich district but something happened to it? Does it have a shoddy history and what kind of patrons went there?

I know it seems like I'm nitpicking at this point, but this pub is just as significant as the characters and I'm helping you establish your setting better. Like I said previously, what makes the pub any different from any other location these 2 people could be talking in?

With a slow, almost contemplative stride, the hooded man stepped towards the dirt-covered bar. With an air of a man in his own home, he took oddly clean bottle off the otherwise empty shelves. A sweep of his robes sent the dust clinging to the chair spiralling downwards to the floor.

Here is the only other part where you described something. But...I mean look at it. It doesn't make sense and is kinda laughable in some parts. How is a stride cotemplative? (does he have his hand to his chin as he walked in like his owned the place---cos that's what the phrase means) Why is the bar covered in dirt (and not dust)? Is it underground beneath the earthen soil? Perhaps you meant "dirty", which is completely different from "dirt-covered". And wtf is an "air of a man"? Is he homo and has an internal gaydar that detects the presence of men by smelling them? It's just all nonesense.

You know what to say, but you don't have the words to use them. I suggest reading alot so you can see how exactly you can describe things better.

For a moment, the hands that held the bottle were almost tender; if ever a pair of hands could have spoken, those hands would have been whispering as though into the ears of a lover.

Did you just describe him as having caressed the bottle like a woman? What in the fuck?

Then, with a sudden movement, those hands smashed the tip of the bottle against the bar.

No no no...timeout. Read that sentence again. What you meant to say was that he grabbed the bottle and smashed the tip against the bar. What is written here, is that he used his bare hands to punch the shit out of the tip of the bottle, as it lay on the bar. Prepositions. Use them properly.

The hooded one drank straight from the bottle, uncaring of the broken glass that came with the wine.

Yeah, because drinking out of something that's pretty much broken glass is BADASS and painless. I don't care if Superman fucking drank that bottle, shards of broken pieces would have made it into the drink upon impact. Moreso, even if he broke it right, wouldn't it have made more sense if he poured the wine into his mouth instead of drinking from a clearly sharpened surface? Moreso, smashing the bottle that way would have cause the entire bottle to break and not in the manner that you are suggesting (a clean cut apparently). Do your research!

“You are rather resourceful.” Sighed a voice from the shadows. An old man emerged, a wine glass in one hand and a briefcase in the other.

Or desparately thirsty, take your pick. Also, how can you "sigh a voice" when you are clearly talking? Try doing that right now: sigh...while SAYING something.



Oh god, I just fucking stopped right here. I can't go on. It's not the most terrible thing in the world, but clearly you didn't draft this thing properly and just posted it without a moment's thought. There are so many details just missing from the piece, not to mention vague plot elements, and wrong words used. Do it again is all I can say.

Quote from Wyrmspawn

I aim to create a new character that has a different writing style. Instead of going for epicness... which I can't really convey... I decided to go for long-windedness.

I don't know what you're talking about. None of this was "epic" to begin with. And long-windedness...is that what was up there. Did you SEE what that cost you? If anything, you didn't even drag on about a single thing. It's the opposite of long-windedness. It's curtly vague and unimpressive.

Quote from Wyrmspawn

Not everyone can capture an epic scene. But everyone can be long winded.

Lol. Everyone can capture a scene. You just need practice.

Quote from Wyrmspawn

Therefore, I decided to change my style a little; if I had any style to begin with, that is. I hope you will CNC on what was written thus far, especially on the introduction.

Much like anything around here, proceed with studying the BASICS of plot and organization before you develop your own unique style. Style is nothing if you can't even describe things properly.

Hate to say it, but I'm really not a big fan of things that aren't done. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've got two rotting series chilling out in the depths of OLit, but there's a difference between a completed chapter and unfinished work. The thing is, and I've been saying this since I got my first real CnC, conclusions are one of the most important parts of the story, if not the most important part. They make your reader think, and if all goes well, brings them back. It brings everything together and explains the story giving it a good place to pause. Without it, it's like a YouTube video buffering, only it's not going to finish loading for quite some time.

But anyway, building on what Hewitt said, if something in a story is odd (and I mean odd to the characters or setting for this one) build on it. With the bar, I never really saw any reason why it should've been successful. There was no mention or people around, it didn't seem interesting in any way or unique at all so my brain just decided to plug in that it's plain and in the middle of nowhere. It's also automatically wooden, as is a rule in my head apparently. With leads me on a small tangent on vague things, if you don't explain them at all, you're going to lead the way for a lot of assumptions.

I've got one last big point, I'm a big advocate of actions mixed with dialogue, so I'm going to get on my soap box real quick. To me, pauses are empty space, and that's something that can be easily filled with a few details. For one thing, it emphasis the pause, and additionally it shows more into the characters and what's around them. Here's the biggest big pause part I saw.

"They... were somewhat... I suppose, you could say, busy."

"They..." The hooded man's eyes dragged as he thought, smirk expanding as he recalled the specific, "Were somewhat..." By contrast, the elder's gaze dropped into a heavy glare, "I suppose, you could say," The speaker's sight snapped back to the older man suddenly, delivering the final word dead in his eyes, "Busy."

You can make characters go from just thinking to ass-wipe as simply as this. Or, you could use it to describe your setting.

"They..." Civilization outside spoke as the hooded man paused, "Were somewhat..." A siren roared outside, fading as the vehicle sped by, "I suppose, you could say," A dying light flickered over the hooded man, "Busy."

This way is also a good way to foreshadow events, but either one will help suck your reader in.

Additionally, if you have a big brick of dialogue, the the cut into the spoiler, that's another thing you should consider breaking up. What would give either character a response, click something. Address it.

Yet, after that, in the land of the Ancients, all was peaceful. Their Ancient masters had left them; they had risen to dominance and all was well, save for the almost-religious fear that the Ancients would be back to terrorize them.

And yet, for now, they were left in peace. For the Ancients were preparing for vengeance, and when they returned, such was their wrath that the earth was split asunder and the skies glowed with a fine red mist…

Yet, after that, in the land of the Ancients, all was peaceful. Their Ancient masters had left them; they had risen to dominance and all was well, save for the almost-religious fear that the Ancients would be back to terrorize them."

The old man ignored the scoff that threatened to cut him off. Eyes narrowing, he proceeded.

"And yet, for now, they were left in peace. For the Ancients were preparing for vengeance, and when they returned, such was their wrath that the earth was split asunder and the skies glowed with a fine red mist…"

I hope this helps a little! I hope to see the next part when it's ready!

Thank you for the CnC. I could lie and say that I agreed with it all from the very start, and knew there was a problem, blah, blah, blah, and all that; but I'd be lying.

Even now, there's much of that I disagree with.

But it's not my place to critique my own works; only the reader may comment on the works, and writers have to adjust to what the readers want.

So I changed it. Expanded it. Described more.

But I can't destroy the original purpose of it; I had hoped to create a certain effect, and I will keep trying, until I finally achieve what I had envisioned.

I know I should wait until it was completed; but I really want to know if there's something else I'm missing before I go too far and have to start over again.

It is selfish, yes, and I'm sorry for it; but I'd just throw this up here for now and see if anyone will be kind enough to stop me before I wander too far down the wrong path.

If there is an effect you wanted, best you state what, because i certainly don't see it.

I won't begin nit picking just yet, but the beginning of your little story already showed that you haven't learnt. Noon. Blah blah irrelevant things. Noon. I don't know whether you are trying to be profound or mysterious or clever, but it was anything but. At best you've managed to generate a sense of confusion.

Many pauses.

One sentence in every paragraph.

Where it could have created pacing, tension, so common it was that the story turned monotone.

A different beat, but monotone notheless.

In short, you're overdoing it.

Also the story was ridiculously short. You changed to scene from a beggar boy to an old one legged man. Nothing was said about the former. There seemed to be no apparent plot. You not only failed in hooking the reader, but also commited the same crime of confusing them.

And if there is cnc you disagree with, point out why. If all you can say in your defense is that it's 'your style', then all of us can just rest easy knowing we need not bother with critique on your works.

I had hoped to not point out what the effect was supposed to be, because it wasn't supposed to be deduced from my explanations, but rather from the passage.

Have you ever heard of the author Gu Long? That's the effect I'm trying to make.



Edit: I don't know how to describe his style, but I can tell you roughly what he could do. He wrote serial stories for newspapers, and the he had to fill a number of columns every day. So he came up with an idea to get the most money out of the least effort.

He would divide his works into small paragraphs, and sometimes insert small paragraphs where he would contemplate, from the viewpoint of the narrator, on heavy subjects such as human nature, death, or the definition of a hero; et.c..

And he could make it work, whereas I clearly cannot.

Here is one of his short stories; translated into English.

http://www.spcnet.tv/forums/showthread.php/8000-7-Weapon-series-by-Gu-Long#.UzYw3_mSwwg

He was a pioneer of the effect above; he frequently used one sentence per paragraph, yet for some reason I cannot understand, his works can inspire interest and follow no apparent pace; yet, as you point out, my imitation of his works confuses the reader and reads out the story in a monotone.

I am trying to deduce what is missing from my imitations; what is the difference between my piece and his pieces? What was it that enabled him to write in that manner?



The CnC I disagreed with are those that suggest this wasn't drafted properly. I can assure all of you that this isn't some half-assed thing I came up with in 10 minutes; I'd re-written and re-written for weeks before I posted the first version, and the second version, though mostly done in a more hurried pace, had been going through the same process of revision for a week before I posted this.

So, please; I did put effort into this and if it's shit, at least allow me to say that it was shit from the heart.

Edit: Thanks, for taking the time to read that shit. It really means a lot to me.

Guys... sorry for the double post. I know this is annoying, but I really don't have anyone else to turn to. so... if anyone happens to notice what was missing, please, be so kind as to tell me what crucial element of Gu Long's stories I had missed.