Hey Stickpage? Mind taking a second to give some advice to a fellow loser?

My friend recently came out as a transsexual. (currently transgender, he has yet to undergo the operation.)

Before I begin to explain the situation I'd like to elucidate. I have nothing wrong with those who identify as transsexual or transgender.

Anyways, this had begun much differently. Originally my friend merely wanted to cross-dress. For a few months he was set on losing weight. Purchasing women's clothing, shaving himself, ect. Once again. Nothing wrong with this. But when he told me he was transsexual I couldn't help but have a bad feeling about it.

We both have a mutual friend, who also happens to be transgender (also planning on becoming transsexual) it was a few weeks prior to him coming out my friend had told me he had "fallen in love" with this mutual friend. They agree on almost everything, they talk every single day, they're basically one in the same mind. When I asked my friend why he had made the decision to be transgender his answer was "Because I've always felt like I was born in the wrong body." which I didn't consider a satisfactory answer. My friend's skull is made of fucking steel, it's nearly impossible to convey emotion or reasoning with him. Opinions, regardless of factual evidence always go in one ear and out the other with him. The only person I know with the ability to change his mind, or make him think a certain way, is this "mutual friend."

My friend is extremely impressionable by this person, and I'm suspicious of his reasoning for being transgender merely because there's a large possibility he was influenced by this mutual friend.

Look. My friend is at a young age and he's about to make an extremely important life decision, and I have this nagging feeling in my gut that he'll either end up regretting it or realize it was never the way he truly thought. He has a history of running into things without evaluating or looking at the situation beforehand, which has lead to him being depressed more times than not. He had never mentioned wanting to be transsexual in the years we've known eachother prior to meeting the "mutual friend." And I feel like his reasoning is rooted entirely in "Oh, he's transgender. And I love him, so I'll be too."

I also acknowledge that this could all be a load of shit and I'm just assuming the worst. I just can't shake this feeling that he's doing this for the wrong reasons. His reasons aren't significant in any way shape or form and I think he'll end up regretting it in the long run. I'm not going to stop him, I know that my opinion will do next to nothing to persuade him. Let alone make him reassess the situation. I just don't know how to tackle the situation. Or, if I should at all.

I will add my two cents here because I have experience with this that you may find helpful.

I have a trans friend and actively supported him in his decision by using the proper pronouns and using the name he asked me to, but to be truthful a part of me was curious to see whether it was just a phase, a cry for attention, or a legitimate identity issue. I never intended it as a malicious or bigoted thought. Sadly, the truth is that some people actually pretend to be trans for attention. These are same kinds of people that pretend to have serious conditions or disorders for the same reason, like people who claim to have Autism, OCD or ADD because they think it makes them quirky. I have experienced these people first hand, and while outwardly I will do my best to support them because I'd rather help someone find comfort for a real issue than play Russian roulette with people who I think may be faking it and accidentally send someone further back in their progress, internally I still have to entertain the possibility that I'm enabling an attention seeker. It's hard enough because of the social taboo, but at the same time some people are just absolutely attracted to drama and controversy that they would trivialize the struggles of a group of people for their own selfish purposes, and I fucking hate that.

I don't consider myself righteous or understanding for this. It's kind of a shitty thing to keep to myself when someone comes out as trans, but as long as I'm not giving them grief and treating them like a normal person, I wont do any damage, and I think that's what's important. I hate the fakers but still support those who need it. The biggest thing is not treating them differently. They ARE normal people, and as I understand it the last thing anyone wants to be singled out for it. Sometimes a good indicator of people who are legit and people who are seeking attention are how often they bring it up, especially with strangers. I've seen a few people constantly be like "ya I'm trans hahaha" as a conversation starter... and while this doesn't apply to ALL trans people, A LOT of them don't see it as something that needs to be brought up or discussed. They want to feel comfortable, rather than scrutinized.

Gender identity is something some people really need to figure out on their own, and it's really not easy for some people to understand this. The reasoning that person gave is a real legitimate reason, even if it is incredibly generic. It's a complex issue and most trans people don't like to discuss it beyond simple explanations specifically because it's not easy for others to understand. On the other hand, it could also be the easiest way to explain yourself out of it when confronted about it if you're faking it. You might consider that person to be faking it, but why let it affect you? Either way that person will either be happy finally being comfortable with who they are, or when they realize that no one really gives a shit and will support them either way they'll just stop talking about it and go back to being the way they were. Or I guess they'll keep living a lie, but that's still not your problem.

In high school I once knew this really annoying chick who would constantly change based on whatever disorder or sexual preference or gender identity was the flavor of the month for her. Every once in a while she'd change up whatever "problems" she had with her when people stopped giving her attention (both good and bad) about the last one. It started with being a lesbian, she created this huge scene about confessing her love for her lesbian friend and everyone was all "yay lesbians congrats!!!". Then she started with ADD, and eventually Autism, and would constantly use those as an excuse to be a bitch. Later she switched from having Autism to having multiple personalities and schizophrenia. She would constantly change the way she acted and demanded to be called different names depending on "which personality was dominant" at the time. Half of them were fictional characters... yeah, she was basically role playing. But you better not think about calling that shit out because her group of PC friends would bitch you out for not being understanding. Eventually when my trans friend came out, this girl also decided she was trans, and slowly killed all the personalities she "had" until the only one that was left was "male", and therefore she needed to identify as male. The problem was it was so painfully obvious she was faking it because more people were paying attention to my friend than her, which pissed off my friend who was actually dealing with having to explain to his friends how it works and hope they understood and supported him, whereas this bitch was just being mouthy and making demands.

The thing is, I've been out of highschool for years, and my friend is still trans and is still on track to have surgery for it. He lives with his girlfriend and works in an environment where everyone knows him as a dude and he's happy with it. This other chick last I heard fully dropped the bullshit she was spewing and no longer has a relationship with any of the people she knew in high school. Everyone grew up and realized she was full of shit. If your friend is also full of shit, eventually that will come to light.

EDIT: Also, I have to stress that being transgender isn't a decision, and it's definitely not something you just suddenly snap in to. There are people who romanticize the idea of getting the surgery because to them it's like the ultimate social taboo and they want to show how unique they are. Those people are fucking idiots, and most of them do not go through with it once they realize they cannot go back. In your situation, it's not like your friend is suddenly and irreversibly going to change. That's kind of what I was getting at. If he wants to explore it for a while, let him. He'll come to conclusions eventually. The best thing to do is to be there and support him as a friend. Insinuating that he's just doing it because mutual friend is will only piss him off and burn bridges, which I'm assuming you don't want if he's worth keeping as a friend.

Moved the thread, and jeff's post to its own thread as it is a topic of its own.

I edited my post a bunch to clarify because I posted it without proof reading.

Quote from Jeff

I will add my two cents here because I have experience with this that you may find helpful.

I have a trans friend and actively supported him in his decision by using the proper pronouns and using the name he asked me to, but to be truthful a part of me was curious to see whether it was just a phase, a cry for attention, or a legitimate identity issue. I never intended it as a malicious or bigoted thought. Sadly, the truth is that some people actually pretend to be trans for attention. These are same kinds of people that pretend to have serious conditions or disorders for the same reason, like people who claim to have Autism, OCD or ADD because they think it makes them quirky. I have experienced these people first hand, and while outwardly I will do my best to support them because I'd rather help someone find comfort for a real issue than play Russian roulette with people who I think may be faking it and accidentally send someone further back in their progress, internally I still have to entertain the possibility that I'm enabling an attention seeker. It's hard enough because of the social taboo, but at the same time some people are just absolutely attracted to drama and controversy that they would trivialize the struggles of a group of people for their own selfish purposes, and I fucking hate that.

I don't consider myself righteous or understanding for this. It's kind of a shitty thing to keep to myself when someone comes out as trans, but as long as I'm not giving them grief and treating them like a normal person, I wont do any damage, and I think that's what's important. I hate the fakers but still support those who need it. The biggest thing is not treating them differently. They ARE normal people, and as I understand it the last thing anyone wants to be singled out for it. Sometimes a good indicator of people who are legit and people who are seeking attention are how often they bring it up, especially with strangers. I've seen a few people constantly be like "ya I'm trans hahaha" as a conversation starter... and while this doesn't apply to ALL trans people, A LOT of them don't see it as something that needs to be brought up or discussed. They want to feel comfortable, rather than scrutinized.

Gender identity is something some people really need to figure out on their own, and it's really not easy for some people to understand this. The reasoning that person gave is a real legitimate reason, even if it is incredibly generic. It's a complex issue and most trans people don't like to discuss it beyond simple explanations specifically because it's not easy for others to understand. On the other hand, it could also be the easiest way to explain yourself out of it when confronted about it if you're faking it. You might consider that person to be faking it, but why let it affect you? Either way that person will either be happy finally being comfortable with who they are, or when they realize that no one really gives a shit and will support them either way they'll just stop talking about it and go back to being the way they were. Or I guess they'll keep living a lie, but that's still not your problem.

In high school I once knew this really annoying chick who would constantly change based on whatever disorder or sexual preference or gender identity was the flavor of the month for her. Every once in a while she'd change up whatever "problems" she had with her when people stopped giving her attention (both good and bad) about the last one. It started with being a lesbian, she created this huge scene about confessing her love for her lesbian friend and everyone was all "yay lesbians congrats!!!". Then she started with ADD, and eventually Autism, and would constantly use those as an excuse to be a bitch. Later she switched from having Autism to having multiple personalities and schizophrenia. She would constantly change the way she acted and demanded to be called different names depending on "which personality was dominant" at the time. Half of them were fictional characters... yeah, she was basically role playing. But you better not think about calling that shit out because her group of PC friends would bitch you out for not being understanding. Eventually when my trans friend came out, this girl also decided she was trans, and slowly killed all the personalities she "had" until the only one that was left was "male", and therefore she needed to identify as male. The problem was it was so painfully obvious she was faking it because more people were paying attention to my friend than her, which pissed off my friend who was actually dealing with having to explain to his friends how it works and hope they understood and supported him, whereas this bitch was just being mouthy and making demands.

The thing is, I've been out of highschool for years, and my friend is still trans and is still on track to have surgery for it. He lives with his girlfriend and works in an environment where everyone knows him as a dude and he's happy with it. This other chick last I heard fully dropped the bullshit she was spewing and no longer has a relationship with any of the people she knew in high school. Everyone grew up and realized she was full of shit. If your friend is also full of shit, eventually that will come to light.

EDIT: Also, I have to stress that being transgender isn't a decision, and it's definitely not something you just suddenly snap in to. There are people who romanticize the idea of getting the surgery because to them it's like the ultimate social taboo and they want to show how unique they are. Those people are fucking idiots, and most of them do not go through with it once they realize they cannot go back. In your situation, it's not like your friend is suddenly and irreversibly going to change. That's kind of what I was getting at. If he wants to explore it for a while, let him. He'll come to conclusions eventually. The best thing to do is to be there and support him as a friend. Insinuating that he's just doing it because mutual friend is will only piss him off and burn bridges, which I'm assuming you don't want if he's worth keeping as a friend.

Thanks Jeff.

I suppose his choices don't affect me personally. I'm just going to sit on the sidelines and see what happens.

Another thing I'd just like to point out that arouses my suspicion: He only asks to be referred to by his female name and by female pronouns on the internet exclusively, (skype, facebook, ect.) especially in the presence of this "mutual friend" I've not once called him by his female name, nor used "her, or she" pronouns at school, and he doesn't mind. He has yet to correct me once, but does correct me when in a skype call. Or in a group chat.

Yeah that shit isn't easy. It all comes down to their comfort level, and also your instincts. I mean, out in public your friend might not be ready to have it widely known. It gets confusing for everyone when YOU say "her, she" but strangers say "him, he". Whereas in private it may be more of an issue because it shows you accept them for who they are. You should just really ask how they prefer it. That's what I did.

Also any reasonable person wouldn't expect others to get their preferred pronouns right all the time as soon as their told. I hate people who get snippy about it. Yes, I get it's a problem for your identity, but if I've known you for 5 years as "she" it's going to take some time before my brain is used to saying "he" when referring to you. You wont always get it right, and as long as their polite about it you should be fine. Just do your best. Luckily my friend was really casual about it, but was adamant that everyone at least tried. It's been so long since I started trying that I often forget he's even trans. That's just who he is to me.

How old is this friend Bl3u?

Quote from Nish

How old is this friend Bl3u?

Fourteen. I don't quite see how it's relevant though.

Quote from bl3u

Fourteen. I don't quite see how it's relevant though.

It is extremely relevant. Sexual identities become a hodge-podge of emotions when you are a teenager. Your question was whether he is doing it for the wrong reasons. My answer is that anything you do at fourteen is for the wrong reasons.

I see no harm in using other pronouns and stuff, even at the age of 14, if that makes them more comfortable.

However, an irreversible call like surgery should probably wait.

I'm talking purely about stuff that induces physical changes like surgery. I think 14 is too young to contemplate a complete change in identity. I absolutely agree that his/her need to be referred to as another sex is perfectly legitimate, but I think the issue requires a few more tools (acquired by life experience) to be evaluated by the person.

I don't know how you guys imagine it works... You cannot just "get" the surgery. You have to see health care professionals and psychiatrists about it, and the process is slow. They also educate you about it all and ensure that you are legitimately trans and mentally prepared for the change. Before they would even consider surgery he'd need to be on hormones for a while anyway. I do agree though that generally 14-year-olds aren't mature enough for a lot of the decisions they make. I am confident that health care professionals know this and wouldn't move forward with anything until he's older.

Quote from Jeff

I don't know how you guys imagine it works... You cannot just "get" the surgery. You have to see health care professionals and psychiatrists about it, and the process is slow. They also educate you about it all and ensure that you are legitimately trans and mentally prepared for the change. Before they would even consider surgery he'd need to be on hormones for a while anyway. I do agree though that generally 14-year-olds aren't mature enough for a lot of the decisions they make. I am confident that health care professionals know this and wouldn't move forward with anything until he's older.

It is illegal to perform sex change surgeries on minors. My point wasn't that he/she was actually going to get the surgery, it was that it was too early to even begin talking on those terms.

Quote from Jeff

I don't know how you guys imagine it works... You cannot just "get" the surgery. You have to see health care professionals and psychiatrists about it, and the process is slow. They also educate you about it all and ensure that you are legitimately trans and mentally prepared for the change. Before they would even consider surgery he'd need to be on hormones for a while anyway. I do agree though that generally 14-year-olds aren't mature enough for a lot of the decisions they make. I am confident that health care professionals know this and wouldn't move forward with anything until he's older.

is it like that in every country? I mean, I honestly think some of our third world doctors wouldn't give a flying fuck if you possibly make a decision that will ruin your life, as long as they get the money.

Quote from Nish

It is illegal to perform sex change surgeries on minors. My point wasn't that he/she was actually going to get the surgery, it was that it was too early to even begin talking on those terms.

Right, I got your point. I agreed with it. I was just pointing out that there's a lot more to it than just "getting" surgery because both you and Mantha made posts talking about how he should wait for surgery due to his age when in reality he'd need to wait regardless. They're kind of moot points when you're specifically talking about surgery. Even if he wasn't under age it would still be years before that would happen. It just seemed weird to me that there was a focus on the surgery as if it was a potential risk for someone to suddenly decide to be transsexual and then get surgery for it the next day.

Quote from Smile

is it like that in every country? I mean, I honestly think some of our third world doctors wouldn't give a flying fuck if you possibly make a decision that will ruin your life, as long as they get the money.

Well obviously there will be places you could go that might do it regardless. There's always going to be shady shit like that. I didn't think that was even relevant because Bl3u's friend is likely a sheltered white teenager living in a first world country.