Volt Versus Electrode

Started by: Cassandra | Replies: 4 | Views: 946

Cassandra
2

Posts: 607
Joined: Feb 2014
Rep: 10

View Profile
Mar 3, 2014 10:48 PM #1169186
story (Click to Show)


Picture (why not?)

picture (Click to Show)
Crank
2

Posts: 1,849
Joined: Feb 2012
Rep: 10

View Profile
Mar 8, 2014 5:41 AM #1172529
SPOILER WARNING: CNC CONTAINS MASSIVE SPOILERS (Click to Show)
Cassandra
2

Posts: 607
Joined: Feb 2014
Rep: 10

View Profile
Mar 8, 2014 3:02 PM #1172672
Thanks for the info! Remember, Vamprina is a Dark Stick after all, so she isn't that good at expressing touching emotion like that. Old habits tend to stay longer than young habits for her. Volt is a new responsibility and experience altogether. So far their relationship is far from solid, but little by little the lightning bender is wearing off Vamprina's layers of hard hate and exposing her loving core. Her seven other selves are always there to help, but travelling through dimensions is difficult for them too, and all Stickworld inhabitants are afraid of altering something in SP once they come through whatever portal they manage to create.
Hewitt

Posts: 14,256
Joined: Jul 2012
Rep: 10

View Profile
Mar 12, 2014 5:25 AM #1174333
Quote from Cassandra
Thanks for the info! Remember, Vamprina is a Dark Stick after all, so she isn't that good at expressing touching emotion like that. Old habits tend to stay longer than young habits for her. Volt is a new responsibility and experience altogether. So far their relationship is far from solid, but little by little the lightning bender is wearing off Vamprina's layers of hard hate and exposing her loving core. Her seven other selves are always there to help, but travelling through dimensions is difficult for them too, and all Stickworld inhabitants are afraid of altering something in SP once they come through whatever portal they manage to create.


And therein lies the problem.

you are are telling us all these things, as if we expected to wean these personality types from your story above. My question is why didn't you just show us all those things.

You say the vamp is bad with emotions. Then SHOW us by having her react callously to what we recognize as common courtesies.

You say that volt is slowly defrosting the vamp's ice queen persona. Then SHOW us by having volt whiplashed on an emotional level, but leave just enough to make the vamp's personality desirable as if there had been a chink in her armor.

You say that it is difficult for them to travel. Then SHOW us what is going through their hearts and minds; the tension; the feelings; the emotions being passed through. Are they building up? Towards what?


Your story is just one big vapid fight scene of flash and no substance. There was no moment in there did I feel invested in the characters because they were literally one-dimensional and dim. This is often a mistake newbies make when they attempt to pass a story by making it 95% action because they think that if little to no fighting occurs, then it becomes boring as hell.
Cassandra
2

Posts: 607
Joined: Feb 2014
Rep: 10

View Profile
Mar 12, 2014 6:19 PM #1174451
Alright. I'll try to work on my characters in the next tale.