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Winged Wolf

Started by: Cassandra | Replies: 3 | Views: 836

Cassandra
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Mar 6, 2014 5:56 PM #1171895
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Hewitt

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Mar 13, 2014 8:13 AM #1174696
I just wanna let you know that I was cringing the whole way as I read this. Never mind that it was about winged wolves (I try to put that bias behind me, which at best just leaves a lingering taste in my mouth). I'm going to overlook the fact that it was never explained if winged wolves are normal animals in this universe and just chalk it up to "ok fine fine they exist". I've got bigger fish to fry.

Your story as a whole could be described as walking into a bunch of thorny bramble bushes. I just wanted to get to the end as fast as I could because from afar it appeared deceptively short. But because of certain inconsistencies and idiosyncrasies, I was forced to tread carefully. So instead of enjoying what could've been an otherwise run-of-the-mill romp, I instead had to suffer and fear impending stings and cuts as the story turned into a chore and exercise in patience. This in turn washed away any kind of emotional impact the story might've had.

First of all, kudos for attempting to write this whole thing without so much as a hint of dialogue. However, I do feel that a tad bit of monologuing from the hunter's perspective could've driven the point faster and better which brings me to my first gripe: Your POV is everywhere. Who's story are you telling anyway? The Hunter or the Wolf? You started with the latter but ended with the former and just a whole mess of them in between. Secondly, you don't seem to have a clear grasp for the passage of time. Certain actions felt like they just happened WAY too fast in a single sentece. Other moments just dragged on and on for a stupid simple action, often times peppering the scene with way too much flowery text and little to no substance.

You might object and say that these tiny descriptions are necessary and are in fact part of a greater whole action as you are trying to avoid telling, in favor of showing. But I gotta ask were those tiny details absolutely necessary to the point of significance and will they be used again later? They weren't. I think you just tried to be as descriptive as you can to prevent from having too thin a paragraph with each scene. Which is ludicrous because this is half an action sequence and action sequences are suppose to be quick, frantic, and not drawn out as dramatically as possible unless you styled it that way. You ended up saying little to nothing for something that meant so much and vice-versa in some parts.

Third, I think you had this whole thing planted deep into your mind and so you just wrote it as you imagined. But then you started to leave out integral parts of the story while your mind wandered. Indeed, some of the actions were too vague. Maybe you wanted to dismiss them right away as they weren't significant to the plot, I dunno. These are things that unlike my first point NEEDED describing such as the hunter's position in the beginning, the cabin, the lake, the hunter's dogs, and how bout explaining the winged wolves because yeah to the hunter it might've been a common sight (we'll never know, once again I'm skirting around that plothole), but to us the reader it's very important to establish these kinds of things so we can be invested on the fantasy.

Finally, and this is a biproduct of Telling, is that your writing is just SO pretentious. You won't leave certain things up to the reader, constantly holding their hand even for such inane details. One glaring example of this is:

Quote from Cassandra
Bright blue eyes trailed smoke as their owner tore across the frozen land

Quote from Cassandra
The larger male winged wolf was sitting by his sled, staring intensely at him with its icy blue gaze.

Quote from Cassandra
The smoke from her eyes was a beautiful light blue.

Quote from Cassandra
He watched the smoke from its irises rise into the sky for a few minutes, unsure of what to do.


Four times. FOUR TIMES. Are you kidding me. Was it really necessary to mention that their eyes were blue and smoky (what does that even mean---do their eyes huff smoke or something) in four different ways, four times throughout the short story. It wasn't even significant in the slightest! Not only is this detail cosmetic and useless, but it's also an insult to the reader's intelligence. In showing, it is not necessary to feed the reader everything. Sometimes a simple sentence can do what you just brazenly attemped in several comma heavy, run-on sentences. Compare for example:

Quote from Cassandra
The winged wolf jumped once, drifting a little, flapping its wings hard, and then its unwilling paws struck the slippery ice once more, scrambling for traction.

Quote from My Version]The wolf leapt into the air at the sound of a bullet zipping past him, only to dive back down as quick as he fluttered.[/QUOTE]

The way you describe actions feels like reading an IKEA manual. Attach Part A to Part B. Rotate Lock G in place. Secure Part A now to Part C. It's all in some kind of order that when applied in something like a video game feels right because of its procedural nature, but in a realistic setting? I was going "wait what was the hunter doing in the time it took for the wolf to drift in the air? Stand around and watch him fly?" The action in question doesn't even make sense because in the next sentence because he just flies up straight away into the clouds...so why didn't the wolf just do that in the first place if it knew it could!

In my example, the action is more fluid. The passage of time is clear: the wolf reacted in the split-second of a moving bullet, only to double back down confused but he had to keep moving. This action not only does everything you've said at once, but it also does the job of implying a sense of urgency and distress: He was essentially screwed whether or not he chose to fly. Would he risk being up in the air out in the open? Or would he risk running on the already debilitating slippery ice? This would explain why he didn't initially try flying up in the clouds to begin with as well.

There were also other times were it's supposed to FEEL like it's a long time, but because of the way it was written just felt like an instant:

Quote from CassandraHe flinched as the alpha male grabbed his weapon in his mouth, and then he flew off, only to return a few moments later.
Quote from My Version
The hunter looked on as the wolf violently swiped the rifle off of his hands and took to the skies. He sat there literally frozen, unflinching and refusing to look anywhere else as his mysterious predator flew onwards until he disappeared into a tiny dot in the sky. His fists clenched in those moments, afraid of what would happen if the wolf ever came back.


Wh-that's it? Is he like a supersonic wonder wolf or something? Judging from the speed of their earlier scuffle (like how the parents managed to get behind the hunter or how the kid wolf managed to get into a cloud in the time it took for a hunter to reload his gun AND not get a shot off), this has pretty much been established as a possible yes...which begs the question as to why they even bothered surprising the hunter in the first place! They could've just fucking RAN away and the hunter wouldn't have noticed because that's how fast they actually are.

This is a very tense moment in the story whether or not you recognize it. The wolf has won. He's just disarmed the hunter--the guy who's trying to kill them. We don't know what'll happen after that. A little bit of buildup would've been nice. Granted, the actual payoff was indeed anticlimactic, but that's more of a problem with plotting than building tension. Another action that went by pretty quickly was how fast the Hunter repaired his sled. That could've been a perfect buildup for a "it's not over." scene. But no, he gets home lickety-split.

Other than that. Alot of wrong words and crappy sentences used...

[QUOTE=Cassandra
Paws crashed against the icy lake surface.
First sentence is immediately illogical. It doesn't matter how soft your hands are, when they CRASH into a frozen lake, they make HOLES. The wolf should've sank to the bottom or at least caused the lake to crack the moment it started running there.
Quote from Cassandra
Its muscles stiffened, launching it to the side as a bullet ripped by.
First off, which muscle?! Secondly, how can a muscle innately launch itself to the side!
Quote from Cassandra
Sweat trickled down the hunter’s face, appearing despite the frigid air.
I wasn't aware that the hunter was actually the Invisible Man, only showing his face out of thin air when he started to sweat.

...and plotholes.

Quote from Cassandra
But his dog team sensed what he couldn’t, and refused to come near the house.
If his dogs could sense the wolves all along, why didn't they scramble or plop themselves and cower near where the parents originally ambushed the hunter?
Quote from Cassandra
Throwing all caution aside, the crazed man lunged for his weapon and aimed it at the male winged wolf.
Right because that worked SO well the first time. I dunno about you, but if I was the wolf I would've gutted him at that point.

The plot is SO contrived. We're led to believe that these wolves are fucking intelligent. But to go to the extents of teaching the hunter a lesson on morality and making him responsible for his actions? No I'm sorry. Wolves are wolves. Animals. Their intelligence only grows as far as the instincts they cling on: Family, Survival, Safetey. I don't care if you can justify that they're "winged wolves ergo, they're magic sentient wolves with human qualities". If you make them more human or just as human as the actual humans, then what's the point? It doesn't make for an interesting tale. You could jusr replace the winged wolves with winged bears and it would be the same thing.
Cassandra
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Mar 13, 2014 1:31 PM #1174847
LOL

I have lots of work to do! :D
Brace yourself. If you like critiquing my work, then you're going to LOVE sorting out my next tale.
It's longer now, sort of like a mini novel, and I did this one kind of a long time ago, so my writing has changed since then.
However, it was my own story that I was pretty proud of at the time.
REALLY LONG....

-----------------------------------------

Oh trust me if your next story presents the same flaws I just elaborated, the cnc will be much shorter. Just two words in fact.


I need to find a better way to insert my work into the forum section. It autosaves and everything, but once I get in a lot of content and try to save, it cuts me off and everything is gone because I'm not signed in. REALLY FRUSTRATING!!!!
Hewitt

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Mar 13, 2014 1:35 PM #1174852
Oh trust me if your next story presents the same flaws I just elaborated, the cnc will be much shorter. Just two words in fact.
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