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Eh, I'm getting my writing fever back.

Started by: Azure | Replies: 6 | Views: 630

Azure
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Mar 25, 2014 3:52 AM #1179702
So, just to make a point, I'd like to say that this story had no previous planning and I've gotten the urge to write a short story about a guy at school when shit goes down. So yeah, I'm hoping this'll be fun, might even be able to make a short series from it. So yeah, writing.

It's The End Of The World As We Know It
Story (Click to Show)


So, CnC is always appreciated. Be harsh, be gentle, be however you want. I need to get back into writing again, and words of any kind will help with that.
Chamel
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Mar 26, 2014 2:59 AM #1180043
Ugh.. I did my best. Here's some CnC that I tried to concoct for ya~

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"My teacher gives a muffled cough, and I focus back on the front of the room"
-There was a rather significant switch from past to present tense here. I think there are also two other instances where you do the same thing, just a fair warning. It doesn't flow right when you switch tenses like that, and can often throw a reader off.
-The second to last paragraph has quite a few examples

I thought your pacing was rather well done, except when the teacher left the gym. As soon as she left, the masked man appeared before Mr. Strider, he tried to get up, but fell, hit his head, and the guy was gone. It seems as though that last paragraph was a little too quickly executed, and didn't really do much more than get the gist across. While this is only short story, which usually do not have much room for explicit details, the final paragraph stood out and seemed inconsistent with the rest.

I liked the emotion you put into this, but some parts lacked what it needed. For instance, when he first sets his sights on the masked man wrapped in shadows, all he does is rub his eyes? Wouldn't he jump just a bit? Even a little? Or show any kind of emotion? Along with that, I think you could have used other describing verbs rather than just "said". Like, 'yelled' could have replaced 'said' when Mr. Strider turned on the masked man, right before looking at the bloodbath. Just little things like that can make a reader be more attached to the work, and make them want to read more.

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Gah, sorry for not being able to help all too much..
I might edit this later once I have proper time to go through and nitpick at everything I can.. But it was still an interesting read. Can't wait for more Azure~!
Azure
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Mar 26, 2014 4:14 PM #1180409
Thanks for the comments. I'll try to clear it up a bit:

1. When I write, I always write like I'm watching the scene. That makes it a bit difficult to stick to one tense, since things either are happening or happened. For your example, the teacher gave a cough, which lead to the character turning. It was one event leading to another, and if I had given them in the same tense, it would look as if they were happening at the same time. This may simply be justification, but it's simply how I write.

2. The character was a nurse, so naturally she had to leave. The appearance of the Masked Boy was meant to go there in a sort of "speak of the devil and he shall appear" manner. There was some implication that he'd arrive a bit before, but perhaps since I was writing it, it was more obvious to me than the audience. This tells me I'll have to work more at build-up for scenes. As for the paragraph overall, I had actually initially planned to continue on a bit further, but figured that it would deteriorate more from the story than bolster it if I did, so I ended up reeling it back. Seems that was a mistake, so I'll likely just go with my instincts next time.

3. Ah, word variation. I can always use different, more tasty and vibrant vocabulary to help enhance the experience. Thanks for pointing it out, I'll aim for it in the future.

Thanks again for bothering to give any critique, and it was appreciated dude. Even if it's just to become a judge, it's helpful.
Chamel
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Mar 27, 2014 12:38 AM #1180567
What? Oh no! I'm a participant~ I just thought I'd try my hand at CnCing someone's work, especially someone known for his creatively dark works.
I apologize if it was weak critique in any way.. Not used to CnCing someone of a pretty high skill level ^^"

And now I see what you mean by the whole "watching the scene" thing. I guess it makes sense, but I still think it's a little distracting.

Keep up with it dude. It was a nice, albeit bloody, short story.
Lobotomizer
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Mar 27, 2014 6:45 PM #1180859
I don't like the needlessly grim-dark/gory/etc. genre you're going for here. It wasn't done well; you've failed to portray any sense of horror, and you managed to detract the tone even further with sentences like "In honesty, though, my lunch made a comeback and starting mixing into the blood." It was as though the gore was put in for the sake of gore.

This is combined with the incredible amount of telling that seems to rear its ugly head even in this fairly short story. (I felt a hand on my shoulder, and jumped. "Don't hurt me!" I said with fear in my voice.) Despite being in first person the protagonist had his actions described, told, and even as he stated that he was afraid, I felt nothing of the sort. It was like some everyday saturday night for him. Again, the occasional detracting in tone fails to help the situation too.

And finally, the 'story' told absolutely nothing. It's not even a chapter's worth of content. A student finds everyone else in his classroom gibbed. Mysterious boy with a creepy mask. That's it. It leaves the reader confused, not hooked. The plot, or at least the bits that resemble plot, are hardly creative either, unlike what Chamel had said.

Really, this entire piece seems to scream 'lazy' to me. Maybe you've tried your best, maybe you haven't. I certainly think you can do more than weaving the beginnings of what seems like a mediocre story with a most cliched plot.
Azure
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Mar 27, 2014 7:28 PM #1180866
Actually, shockingly enough, this story wasn't meant to be horror or gore. I do still appreciate the review though, and you're absolutely right, there isn't much plot present, and the full impact of the situation doesn't fully hit him. I put it up more to shock, but I suppose that wasn't executed particularly well. I'll admit that this isn't my best work, and it is indeed too short to be a chapter's worth of content. I can certainly add more to it, and I've been considering doing just that, but yeah, I can certainly flesh it out more before I do so in order to give a better delivery.
Ashero
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Mar 27, 2014 8:35 PM #1180882
Most epic creepypasta ever.
I liked it!
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