"She’s probably just being succubus and slumming it with some random guy she met over Twitter."
-I don't think you can really use 'succubus' as an adjective in this case.. Maybe use it as a noun? Like: "She's probably just being a succubus ..."

"I don’t know what people see in that old hag, maybe its cause I think of her as my mother…anyway back to the story."
-For one thing, it doesn't sound good when a writer puts 'back to the story' in their piece. It's almost sloppy, and shows that your trying to mix the characters thoughts with the plot. It's really quite annoying.

"12:19 walking home with girls about to get some obviously but then that asshole Leon with his button up shirts and dress pants shows up from around the corner, hes clearly about to start some shit."
-This just doesn't sound right when I read it in my head, OR read it out loud. Maybe it's the lack of properly used commas, or just the broken flow of this whole sentence. And from this, I've noticed a bit of a pattern. It sounds like your telling the story, like retelling an event to someone. Like: "then that asshole Leon with his button up shirts.." It sounds too much like a narration, and not an actual story. Now this may just be my opinion, but still heed what I'm saying.

"I say winking at the fine piece of ass to my left."
-This is just... Ugh. I dislike it. First of all, it sounds arrogant and foolish. I could fully understand it if it were, say, used in dialogue. Like: "That's a fine piece of ass there." That's okay, because it can display a personality, but using it in a describing manner is just... Ugh. It's distasteful.

“I won’t allow you to corrupt these beautiful young women, quickly now girls run home!”
-This sentence is not that bad, but it could use some grammar corrections. "I won't allow you to corrupt these beautiful women! Quickly girls, run home!" (I didn't really see a need for 'now')

"they get scared by his ugliness and run off."
-This is another "Ugh" instance. There's a major lack of effort put into this one little 'sentence', and it sticks out like a sore thumb. Not only because it seems random, but because of the actual lack of description. Did they shriek? Or did they shy away quietly from him? Did they say anything? What was Majin's reaction to this? So many things could have been put there to make it sound better, but you neglected it, probably out of laziness.

"I say running over to him and throwing a left punch he blocks it with his forearm and I spin and hit him in the jaw with my right elbow."
-Another horribly, grammatically incorrect sentence. Seriously dude, do you proof read things? The flow is shattered, and it doesn't read well.

"This sent him flying across the street into a persons car, totaling it of course, the guy standing next to it freaks out and runs away."
-You do realize that along with this, there are many instances where it switches between past and present tense, right? Watch out for that, as it can leave the reader confused. Oh.. And using 'of course' seems arrogant. Like, why do you need to sound like such a douche?

"Leon shouts getting up and running over to me throwing a flurry of punches and kicks that a block or dodge with ease."
-... What the hell were you exactly trying to say here at the end? "kicks that a block or dodge with ease". What the hell is the 'or' for, and 'kicks that a block'? Come on man. At least write it to make SOME sense.

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You know what. I'm not even going to continue.. That's barely halfway and you keep making the same mistakes. Learn to use commas even remotely right. It's just.. Hard to read through it without wanting to exit out and take a crash course in English and proper grammar. Along with that, maybe try using the enter button. It's really helpful, and might actually keep the readers interested for more than a few seconds.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" The man shouts
"Who the hell are you!" The man shouts in fear at the top of his voice