This thread is not going to contain a single short story. Instead, what I'm going to do is use this thread as a way to document my progress as I write on this thing. I'm hella pumped about it, even if I don't write as much as I'd like to.

[spoiler=Chapter 1. Words: 4459]MindJournal is now active. Date: APR/08/3249 UNIVERSAL TIME
Program is stable and ready to record thoughts of user Illiana Mason.
Text Glossary:
-Bolded Text: MindJournal Input.
-Underlined Text: Subconscious Thoughts.
-Plain Text: Active Thoughts.
Think “Yes” to begin recording.

Yes.

Shit, is this creepy, or really cool? What are subconscious thoughts anyways? Stuff that goes on in the background? Is this thing going to record the music that’s stuck in my head? What if that takes up most of the—

Now recording…

Wait, I should probably turn off Subconscious Thoughts. How do you do that, anyways?

Oh, I know. They make these things so simple that an idiot can use it. If I just—

Open settings, MindJournal.

Settings are now open, Illiana. Think “Options” to list settings.

Knew it. “Options” will probably be annoying as fuck though, just try—

Turn off Subconscious Thoughts, MindJournal.

Subconscious Thoughts are no longer being displayed. Think “Options” to list settings.
That’s fine. Close.

Switching to Passive Recording…

Kay. So this thing is recording my thoughts now? Cool, just in time, too. If it works like I think it will, this is going to be a badass journal. It’s also going to be a pain. Gonna have to get used to describing everything that’s going on. At least a lot of it is done automatically, I read somewhere that this thing uses your subconscious thoughts to arrange the information like—

“Captain! Jackson sent the signal and he’s going in. We’re waiting on your mark.” The gruff voice of my co-pilot Marcus called over to me. He was up in the cockpit sitting in his seat, waiting for me to return. He didn’t sound happy.

Whoa. That’s actually pretty cool.

Alright. Reader. Whoever’s poking through this is probably just me or Jackson, but listen up! My name is Captain Illiana Mason. Right now me and my crew are about 0.7c out from the biggest planet in the Virginis System, whatever its name is, and we’re in my ship. But for any poor chump who’s never done any space flying of their own, we use 0.7c to say how far you’d go if you went 70% the speed of light for one second.

Anyways, that’s not important.

Jackson and I have spent the last thirty minutes or so following this merchant twerp, who thought he could float through the bad part of Virginis Sys with a hold full of iron and trading goods without raising anyone’s eye. I don’t care how much money you think you can cheat off the locals here who have nothing but shiny rocks and nitrogen for at least 5 AUs, (that’s five lengths from the Earth to the Sun, atmosphere plebians) but you’re in for a rude awakening if you don’t think the pirates there would rather take your stuff instead.

PS: Those pirates will most likely be me. And sometimes Jack.

But long story short, the guy managed to notice Jackson and I right as we were closing in on him. He didn’t have any time to chart out a course, so all he could make were a bunch of frantic microjumps all across the system. He was a persistent bugger too, seeing that he made it all the way from one end of the system to the other.

But my life is microjumps. That’s what warp-speed racing is all about.

And no one can beat me in warpspeed racing.

Jack followed my jump signatures as he usually did, and he left the chase up to me. And even though my prey was large and slow and overburdened… microjump hunts are exhilarating! Jumping in and out of reality, going nearly the speed of light and trying to predict your target’s next blink so that you can nail them again and again until they can’t jump anymore, and to the victor goes the spoils? Yes please. Even more fun is when they try and fight back and it turns into the most intense mind game you’ve ever seen.

But this merchant was nothing special. I could tell that he’d only ever learned warp-running from the books, and his moves were predictable and slow. I think he made about four jumps before I’d nailed his ship hard enough to ruin his computers, and from that point on it was a game of cat and mouse. The only reason that ship had made it so far at all, was because it was so hilariously overburdened with goods that it was hard to land a hit on him that wouldn’t tear apart the hull and send his cargo floating off into space.

And in case anyone missed it, that’s another reason why I hated this guy’s guts. He didn’t even have any kind of shields!

Seriously though, you had to at least admire this trader's bravery. Or his stupidity. Even with a ruined engine wasting most of his propulsion, he was zig-zagging so hard that I was surprised he was surviving the G-forces. But as bold as he was, he was easily predictable. All it took was one last shot, one last claw of my lasers against the trader’s backside, and his ship was rendered useless.

Now came the next fun part. The part where we boarded the ship and took his goods for ourselves.

The part where I showed them who was really in charge around here. And that person is me. Captain Illy. I am the master of my own territory, my own, fate, and my own life. It would never belong to anyone else. Never.

I looked away from my maps of the system, down to my right arm. It was there that, instead of flesh, a black and metallic limb that was not my own resided in the place where my arm used to be. And I watched as it moved and twirled its mechanical fingers.

I would die before I let someone take over my life a second time.
[FONT=verdana][size]
"Captain!” The voice shouted at me ag[/size]ain. I spent a split second deliberating if I should yell at him for using that tone of voice against me, and decided against it. “If we don’t move now, we’ll miss our chance completely. You never know if they’ll self-destruct if they don’t want to take their chances with pirates.”
[/SIZE]
“I have my reasons for being down here. Don’t hurry me.” I called back sharply. “But with that said, I’m on my way. Ready the boarding beams. We’re going in!”
[size]A grunt was the last noise the speakers [/size]on the wall uttered before I switched over, speaking so my men in the engine rooms could hear me. “Arnold, Gray, how are the engines?” I asked, quickly securing the MindJournal on my desk so it wouldn’t float away once I wasn’t around to hold it in place. “We need to make sure we can haul ass outta here in case that ship sent a distress signal.”

[/SIZE]
[size]“She’s just getting warmed up, Capta[/size]in!” Gray chattered. I could hear footsteps clanging on metal decks and hands sliding along smooth railings. “Could probably fight off an escort or two as well, should they show up. We’ll keep her in good shape!”

[/SIZE]
[size]Much quieter, I heard Arnold grunt in ag[/size]reement as he worked. Satisfied, I told them to keep up the good work, and set the speaker to mute.

[/SIZE]
[size]Leaving the MindJournal in its place, I [/size]shifted a bit in my armor, set my boots’ gravity to low, and leapt up from my seat with a clang of metal on metal, over the desk, flying through the air as I used my arms to bounce deftly off of bright grey walls. I bounded through the cargo hold, the sleeping quarters, the engine room, until I landed before a final titanium door that lead to the cockpit itself. It opened without a sound, revealing a very impatient-looking Marcus, his huge and muscular form bunched up in his nervousness. Behind him sat Isaac, always watching his monitors, always ready to act, though I caught it as he looked up, giving me a quick nod of respect before he returned to his screens.

[/SIZE]
[size]And to Marcus’s left, was an empty pil[/size]ot seat. My pilot seat. And a transparent sheet of metal ahead of it that showed me the outside, where the stars of space shone in all their glory.

[/SIZE]
[size]That, and the head’s-up display on tha[/size]t screen that showed me the worn-down, battered and immobile form of a merchant’s cargo ship. Apps that I cracked and managed to install for my eyes displayed that information, however. In reality my window was as perfectly clear as glass.

[/SIZE]
[size]I could feel the rush before a fight, al[/size]ready flowing through my blood and my body. There wasn’t another moment to lose. It was time to go.

[/SIZE]
[size]A quick thought set my boots back to nor[/size]mal, and I landed heavily in the pilot seat. Marcus must have seen that the look in my eye meant that I was with him and ready to kick butt, and his own impatience softened. He turned his attention to the boarding beams that would connect the Harpoon with the traders and lock us both in place, and I turned mine to the engines, firing them up with a roar.

[/SIZE]
[size]The G-force was incredible, and I loved [/size]it. We were flattened into our seats as our chairs shifted and softened to negate the pressure as we accelerated faster and faster and faster. A warning squeal from my computers told me that the merchants had us picked up on their sensors, but they made no move to run. There were no more tricks to be found up those sleeves—only gold and riches remained.

[/SIZE]
[size]But when we zoomed close enough to see o[/size]ur target with the naked eye, I was able to catch another sight. Jackson’s own ship; Boomshock, as he liked to call it, was already docked with the traders. His vessel was built by hand, and it was large and sleek, painted black to disappear in the stars. It was a larger ship than mine, block-like and asymmetrical, and although I think it’s the ugliest pirate ship I’ve ever laid eyes on, Jackson loves it with everything he has.

[/SIZE]
[size]Along the front of its form, the ship bo[/size]re its namesake: a huge array of torpedoes and missiles that I still don’t know how Jackson got his hands on. They were powerful enough to cripple small cruisers! It wasn’t often that he ever fired those things, but when he did… they’d saved my ass more than just once when our raids turned south.[/SIZE]
[size]But this time, he had began the raid wit[/size]hout me.

[/SIZE]
[size]In a moment of clarity, I realized for t[/size]he first time that there was only one docking hatch to be found on that cargo ship. It’s not that I had any worries that Jack would take everything and leave me empty-handed… But now I was going to miss out on all the fun!

[/SIZE]
[size]“Change of plans, Marcus.” I murmure[/size]d, decelerating and changing the Harpoon’s course so that we would zoom by the merchants and make a slow loop back around them. “Keep the ship nearby in case I need to make a quick exit. I’m going in.”

[/SIZE]
[size]“You’re going in? Captain, there’s[/size] no more ports I can connect to. We can’t board this ship.” Marcus said patiently.

[/SIZE]
[size]Running my left hand along the touchscre[/size]en computers, I dragged a small virtual box that glowed until it reached Marcus’s joystick, where it disappeared with a flash. [/SIZE]
[size]“You don’t have to drop me off. I ha[/size]ve an idea.” I explained with a grin, giving my first mate a slap on the shoulder. “Your seat’s got pilot controls now. Keep her safe while I’m gone.”

[/SIZE]
[size]And then I turned the gravity of my boot[/size]s off entirely. Knowing exactly where I was going, I shoved myself off of my seat with my arms, doing a slow flip in the air until my feet met the ceiling, and I kicked off, hard, rocketing straight down through a ladder in the middle of the floor. A ladder in a hole that lead directly to the bottom of the Harpoon, where one of the repair hatches waited.

[/SIZE]
[size]Mind you, this repair hatch led directly[/size] out into space.

[/SIZE]
[size]As I flew through empty air, another tho[/size]ught commanded my battle armor to begin to morphing around me. Deep purple plates of advanced metal tightened in on itself, twisting and connecting gently, contracting on every limb of my body until air could no longer escape, fastening with quiet clicks. My suit no longer appeared imposing and powerful, but instead it was sleek and fast and deadly, where smooth and nearly unbreakable armor surrounded me from every side except my head.

[/SIZE]
[size]But then that part came too. The shortne[/size]ss of my spiked blond hair left me with no worries as a small metal pack that hung between my shoulders began to unfold and extend, quickly enveloping my head and extending down around my neck. For the smallest of instants all I could see was darkness, until the screen flashed on and my vision returned almost back to normal, except now the world around me was crisp and clear, and my suit’s computers were feeding me all sorts of information that I might find useful.

[/SIZE]
[size]For example, the repair hatch at the bot[/size]tom of this tunnel was about ten meters away, and it was approaching fast.

[/SIZE]
[size]Timing it just right, I remotely opened [/size]and closed the first hatch as I rocketed into the small airlock beyond it, instantly opened the second hatch that led out into space itself…

[/SIZE]
[size]It was like entering a whole ‘nother u[/size]niverse. In one moment I was confined by steel doors and twisting walls, where up was up and down was down. The next… I was surrounded by billions and billions of shining stars that twinkled everywhere around me. I grasped the edge of the airlock with an outstretched hand, swung around, and planted my feet against the Wicked Harpoon’s hull, my weightlessness making the speedy impact an effortless landing. I switched on my boots’ gravity so that I didn’t bounce from the hull like a ping-pong ball, and stood from it safely, watching the trader’s ship approach me, turning from a small blob in the distance into something that I could easily make sense of. The trader’s ship looked so tiny and insignificant compared to the sheer size of space.

[/SIZE]
[size]But what was inside of it mattered a who[/size]le awful lot.

[/SIZE]
[size]Contacting the ship’s comms, I was pic[/size]ked up by Isaac almost as soon as I sent the signal. “Marcus, slow us down to a crawl.” I said, knowing my voice was coming out small and quiet as it usually did when I was reminded just how big space is. “I’m gonna jump.”

[/SIZE]
[size]I couldn’t see Marcus, but I wished th[/size]at I could see his look of horror when he heard what I said. Regardless, my ship’s hull shuddered and vibrated the front engines fired and it slowed itself down, until we were almost completely still, hovering high above the trader’s ship directly. From here I could see Jackson’s ship perched next to its prey, and further still I could see the absolutely massive planet beneath them, and I almost wondered how we all weren’t being sucked into its gravity.

[/SIZE]
[size]I gulped, and with an incredible rush of[/size] terror and excitement, I deactivated the gravity in my boots. And I jumped.

[/SIZE]
[size]I did not feel the whoosh of rushing air[/size], like part of me expected to as I zoomed through space. Neither did I accelerate, like my brain told me I should have been, rushing faster and faster until I splatted against the hull of the trader like a bug. I just glided, still moving amazingly fast from jumping as hard as I could with no gravity to fight against me, as my target drifted closer and closer.

[/SIZE]
[size]Then, right where my computers told me i[/size]t would be, was the opening that I saw back on the ship: it was an escape pod’s port, now a wide-open door since the pod it housed was now gone. All that remained was i

Bump. I've continued working on this, but it's not as much as I'd like. Chapter 1 and 2 are complete, but I'm still working on the 3rd chapter.

It seems that there's plenty of C&C going on around this section, but my threads never get any themselves. Are the stories just too long? Are they hard to read? It's been almost years since the last time I posted something here. I want to keep improving.

Reading this now. Will add feedback soon.

EDIT:

Yeah I really like this. It looks like you've got a pretty fleshed out character with interesting thought quirks going on. I especially enjoyed the initial fumblings with the thought recorder.

There seems to be a bit of a disconnect between Chapter One and Chapter Two. I guess thats because of the sudden shift in the P.O.V, once you post more chapters, that should sort itself out.

One small detail that I was wondering is whether there was any way to synchronize her voice. Generally, when people 'think' to themselves, they either say "didn't" or "did not". With her case, she occasionally says "didn't" or "couldn't" and then sometimes says "did not" or "could not". It might be a completely inconsequential point and nitpicking on my part but I wanted to point it out to you anyway. I don't think it diminishes the reading experience in any way.


(I didn't get any CnC either, and mine was barely half a page. :'( *sniff* )

Thanks, Nish :) The C&C is seriously helpful. The opinions, too. I used to post stuff here all the time, but until now I wrote 2 whole books without getting feedback throughout any stage of the work, and because of that I noticed that I stopped really trying, because I just assumed what I got down onto the paper was good simply because I did it. That's probably why both books ended up being not good enough to do anything with them.

Also, Chapter 3 is complete. I might add more to it later since it's quite a bit shorter than Chapter 1.

reliably, but if Marcus had done what I said and kept the ship close by, I shouldn’t have a problem getting a link with the Wicked Harpoon. I tried not to feel anxious as I sent my signal to Isaac…And hid my breath of relief when Isaac’s almost-scrawny face blinked into a corner of my vision. He looked intense, and very worried. I was about to fix that by giving him some good news and telling Marcus to dock as soon as possible, but I was quickly interrupted.

“Captain, you’re not going to like this.” He told me, frowning. “I’ve picked up an unmarked ship on our radars. Its make is unique, probably made by hand, and its design seems to be two powerful engines strapped to a cockpit. And it’s small. This is a scout ship, I’d bet my life on it.”

Seeing my distraction, one of the merchants kneeling before me slowly began to move. With my right arm I yanked out a small pistol-blaster from my back holster, aiming right at his head. The merchant froze, completely still once more.

“A scout ship?” I hissed, millions of worries flooding my brain. “It’s handmade, so it has to belong to some pirate group. But what kind of pirates even use scouts? They just don’t. Not unless…” I froze solid, like someone had leveled a blaster at my forehead.

“Not unless they’re organized like a military.” Isaac said, confirming my fears. “Not unless they’re disciplined. And there’s only one pirate gang in all the systems who fit that description.”

“The Underdogs are coming.” I whispered. Before me, each one of the terrified merchants gasped, each one of their faces transforming from dread to hopelessness.

“You need to get out of there, Illy. Now.” Isaac warned. “The Harpoon couldn’t catch that scout in a million years, and it’s probably radioing its friends right this second. We’re going to have hostiles coming in any minute now, and there’s going to be a lot of them.”

“Noted. Tell Marcus to dock with the ship and be ready to high-tail it out of here. I’ll be ready.”

“Be safe, Captain.” Isaac murmured, and then he ended the transmission.

I was glad I held my weapon with my right hand. As thousands of different anxieties and disappointments flooded through me, I was clenching my fist so hard that it hurt. But my robotic arm stayed still, perfectly controlled and perfectly aimed.

“I’m not leaving without something to show for it.” I vented at my captives, pacing the room, as if they would have some kind of answer for me. “We hit the jackpot finding you. What other time am I gonna find a government cargo ship out here with its shields and escorts shot down?”

“The Underdogs would not like you becoming rich when they did all the work.” One of the merchants spoke up. I caught the desperation in his voice. “If you leave now, they might not try to take revenge on you later for this.”

“I don’t give a damn what the Underdogs think of me.” I snapped. “You got away from them, you no longer belong to them. It’s a pirate thing. And besides, I’ve done worse things to them than something as petty as this.”

With a soft rumble that shook the ground beneath me, I heard the whirring clicks and snaps of a ship attaching itself to a docking port. Marcus had landed, and the Harpoon was waiting for me.

“That was fast.” I murmured. “I’m still not leaving without getting my money’s worth.” Shaking my weapon at the doomed traders, I yelled at them to stay where they were, and then I deactivated my boots, rocketing from the crew quarters and down towards the ship’s cargo hold. One good thing about government ships were that they were all the same, and I already knew where I was going.

The room was gravitated, as most cargo holds were, and I fell back to solid ground when I bounded through its hatch. What I saw before me was almost exactly what I expected, and it was all incredibly boring. All that sat before me were hundreds and hundreds of small gadgets, all disassembled from the old shipyard these guys said they were coming back from. Most of it was outdated, but to people who lived exclusively on the surface of planets, it was all more advanced than anything they’d have seen before.

All together, someone could make a fortune from selling all this. But just me? All I could do was carry an armload. Or two, if I wanted to risk not being able to hold my weapon.

But that just wasn’t good enough. Not when I put so much work into shooting this ship down without damaging its insides. Not when Jackson left with a whole cartload of goods. Frustrated, I stormed deeper into the cargo bay, trying to find something out of the ordinary. Something, anything, that would make this mess worth it.

A rapid beeping sound within my helmet told me that someone was trying to contact me. I accepted at once, and this time it was Marcus who appeared in my vision. He looked strained, and I could see him rapidly looking back and forth between the screen and his computers. “Captain, we have company.” He barked, his words leaving his mouth more harshly than he meant them to. “Isaac was right. The Underdogs are here. Six hostiles just warped in, just a few ten-thousand miles away. Where are you?”

Grimacing, I tore through the cargo hold frantically. “I want this mess to be worth something.” I repeated, though I wasn’t sure if I was trying to convince Marcus or myself. “I’m trying to bring something back.”

“That won’t mean anything if that ship gets shot to pieces with you still inside it.” Marcus growled. “Don’t forget that its shields are toast. You need to get back on board now, Captain. I mean it.”

As much as I hated to say it… he was right. This wasn’t worth risking my life for the sake of making some sort of profit. My search was turning up nothing and I was getting in more danger with every passing second. I was about to turn around and make my way back to the Harpoon when something caught my eye.

A flying piece of engine shrapnel must have punched a small hole into the cargo hold, I realized as I looked. As air vacuumed out into space, it looked like something had flown into the breach and gotten stuck. Something that looked completely different from anything else in the hold.
But that didn’t make sense, I thought furiously. Everything here was organized and secured into their respective slots. Nothing should have been able to fly out to get jammed in the first place.

Not unless it didn’t belong in any other category, I realized. Not unless it was special. Then, the loaders would have had no choice but to leave it somewhere else… whatever it was.

"Marcus, what’s the status on our new friends? I think I’ve found something. I want to take it with me.”

“I don’t recommend that, Captain.” Isaac cut in, his eyes rushing frantically across his screens. “We’ve been scanned more than once. Jackson may have bought us some time once they saw his heavy missiles, but there’s no doubt that it also means we’ve been marked as the easier prey to shoot down.”

Readying the jets strapped to my legs, I launched myself upwards and grasped the strange rod that sat jammed in the breach of the hull. “Have they made any moves yet, Isaac?” I asked, grunting as I began to pull. The rod was stuck more tight than I’d thought it was.

“Not yet. Jackson’s flying the Boomshock between us and them, and they don’t look too sure about what to do in return. He’d blow apart the first ship that starts flying.” He didn’t sound very relieved. “Even if Captain Jack can’t get all of them, it’s an effective stall.”

Even with the direness of the situation, I still allowed myself a small smile. I knew exactly why Jackson had changed his name to what it was.

Giving one last burst of effort, I planted my feet on the roof of the cargo hold and jumped, firing my jets. With a horrible squealing that turned out to be the cargo hold’s hull and not the device in my hands, the roof bent in, tore… and then my prize was free. I kept on going, slamming viciously into the ground as my suit morphed to absorb the blow. With no plug in the hull’s breach, the air in the room began to scream as it whirled out into space, threatening to pull me right back to the top.

“I got it!” I gasped. “I’m on my way back. Still no move from the hostiles?”

“Nothing. They haven’t moved at all. Either their leader is busy threatening Jackson, or…” I saw Isaac’s eyes bulge as he took in new info from his computer. “Shit! Illy, get out! Three new hostiles warped in from our backside. They’re coming at full speed.”

My gut froze solid for a brief instant as I realized what was happening, and then I was moving as fast as I could. Crawling on my hands and my feet, I fought against the howling wind that threatened to make me a permanent rooftop decoration until I finally left the gravitized room. As soon as I was clear I fired my jets once again, and literally rocketed through the halls and corridors around me.

When I made it back to crew quarters, I found all five traders sitting exactly how I left them, all terrified and hopeless. Some had accepted their fates, but others were crying silent tears that fell to the floor rather than pooling around their eyes like they should have been. Their suits must be surrounded by a small gravity field… those are ridiculously expensive, I remember. It just told me even more about how filthy rich these men must have been.

But still…

I could talk high and mighty all I wanted. I could say these men were guiltless, selfish pigs and explain why for hours. But did they choose to be born into wealth? No. Not any more than others chose to be born into poverty.

So who was I to condemn them to death for being something they didn’t choose to be?

“Illiana, you are the stupidest pirate who ever lived.” I muttered to myself, before facing the merchants before me. “Listen up! You’re all coming with me.” I barked, startling them all.

“W-what?” One stammered. “And what do you plan to do with us? To sell us for ransom; or into slavery?”

“You could take your chances with the Underdogs and see what they have in mind.” I snapped. “I’m leaving now. You have two seconds to decide.”
That was all it took. With uncertain gratitude, each man rose to their feet, following close behind me as I ran as fast as I could back to the cargo ship’s airlock, where the Harpoon waited for me.

And then with a thunderous crash, the ship shook hard enough to throw me to my stomach. There was no time to wonder what just happened as I leapt back to my feet, pulled the closest outstretched hand back to me, and kept on running. Through the corner of my eye, I could see huge chunks of molten shrapnel flying through space through a nearby window.

“Jackson just saved your ass.” Marcus hissed through my comms, but I could see the relief in his face. “He just blew one of the fighters to pieces in a single shot. Another second and it would have sliced that trader ship in half. The whole thing was a big laser with engines strapped to it.”

“No wonder it couldn’t dodge Jackson’s shot.” I said numbly. “I’m right at the docking bay. Tell Jack I owe him one.”

“About damn time, Captain.” He was as stern as a father, but the relief still showed in his features. “I hope whatever you found was worth it. Now let’s get the hell out of here.”

I didn’t need to hear that twice. The second that this ship’s airlocks slammed open, I was bolting through them as fast as I could go. Then began the process of detaching my ship from their ship safely, without popping my unsuited companions in the resulting vacuum like so many microwaved pizza tarts. Each second brought the hostile Underdogs closer and closer, and I couldn’t know where they were. I couldn’t know when the next thundering explosion would rock these ships, and whether or not we would be as lucky as we were last time. Each second that passed, I was just as likely to die as I was to survive. All I could do was watch the door before me with the intensity of a bird with its prey.

I told the merchants behind me, “Guest Quarters are straight ahead! Go there, stay there, and if anyone asks tell them I brought you with me. Am I clear?” I only received just frightened nods, but that was good enough for me.

The airlock finally opened with a whirring hiss as it sucked in air from the trader—one last theft before we left it behind—and I flew from the chambers like a bat out of hell, my new passengers forgotten behind me. The hall I wanted to reach was two turns ahead of me, one to the left and one to the right, and I bounded across each of them as fast as I could go, rocketing from the walls just as hard as I sprang from the floors.
And then I was in the hallway that just a few minutes ago had me rocketing down its center, airborne, to jump right out of the ship. The only difference now was that I was oriented to have “down” be beneath my feet. It no longer appeared to be a great big hole in my mind’s eye.

I crossed the span of the halls in just a handful of great strides, and when I reached the end of the walls I exploded from it like a bullet from a gun. Almost in slow motion I could see Marcus turn around from watching the entrance, his hand moving with the motion to return full control to my pilot seat as he ran his hand along the computer. At the same time I bounced off of my extended robotic arm hand as what used to be a wall became the roof, and springing one last time from my feet, flipping in the air, I landed hard on the pilot seat.

My pilot seat.

My hands wrapped naturally around the flight sticks at my sides as I ordered, “Isaac, get the bastards behind us on our sensors and try to hail the lead fighter. This is about to get wild.” I vaguely realized that I could hear my own voice through the Harpoon’s radios as, in the rush, I still hadn’t taken off the helmet of my combat suit. I didn’t miss Isaac as he told me he’d get right to it. I also didn’t miss how Marcus’s features turned from stressed and anxious to a purely confident grin, but I had to ignore them both as I slammed my hand down on the throttle and the Harpoon vibrated and roared from the sheer power of its engines.

The warpstrafer accelerated with incredible speed, and with perfect timing as well. Two ships that both appeared to be two-seater fighters blipped into vision on a corner of the Harpoon’s screens, and were both approaching fast. My speed was beginning to catch up to theirs, though, and just as they were about to close the gap to a hundred kilometers…

In an easy motion I activated the shields on the rear of my ship, causing them to flare into brilliant whiteness. Only a moment later, the fighters behind me fired twin beams of lasers, each one powerful enough to gouge burning holes into my hull if their he

I just wanted to tell that I loved your style of writing, especially after seeing what Wither has been doing, and seeing him spam this entire forum with multiple threads, it was a godsend to my sanity to read your story. The ebb and flow of your stories are always good, and I like the logical progression of the main character's train of thought. Above all, all good writing strives to be engaging, and this has that.

Devour! Way overdue that I came here, I always saw you, Sacred, Captain Cook, and Ashlander as the dominating force of writers before the merge, so on that note, mad respect for your CnC thread, I know I really can't gripe about people since I've been lazy lately, but we diffidently do need a slap from time to time.

First of all (and I'm only on the first chapter at the moment in case any of this suddenly changes) was there any particular reason why you chose past tense over present? Don't get me wrong, 1st person past is my favorite to write, but considering how exactly the story was recorded, it felt a little out of place. Like, thoughts by nature are very tied into the now. If my friend punched someone in the face, my in(I'm gong to kill these fucking pop ups)itial thought wouldn't be "What was he thinking?", it'd be what are you. I realize that this is something he expects people to read, but you to me is always who I'm looking at. That would be a pain to figure out how to prevent from getting confusing, but it's just a thought.

Another little side thing is contractions. I read a while ago in psych that if you're telling a lie, you're more likely to say both words separately. I forget why, I think more less for an authoritative tone or to emphasis your words, but to me, 'would not' almost feels pushed. That might just be for me however, because that's just engrained in my head, specifically beside the quote "I did not have sex with that woman."

Did you change you font size halfway though? That hurt my eyes.
Moving on!

Only actually writing critique I have however, is Illianna's sudden plummet to rage.

As quick as that, my guilt disappeared and my anger returned, burning bright as a raging fire. “Fuck you.” I snarled, decking the captain across the jaw.

It just felt, too sudden I guess. Like there just wasn't enough buildup for me. This is the first time any sort of rage or dark side is really shown in your narrator (She, right? I went that whole time thinking it was a dude), and I think you could've had a little bit more powerful of an impact if you led into it, just a little bit more.

As quick as that, my guilt disappeared and my anger returned, bubbling up far too suddenly to even have a chance of being contained. Broken thoughts and memories surged my mind and an inferno, burning bright as a raging fire, consumed my entire being. Animistic instinct jetted my shaking first forward, forward but even if I could've stopped it, I'm glad I didn't. “Fuck you.” I snarled, hearing my fist crack against the captain's jaw and send him sprawling to the ground.

The story looks really good so far! I'm glad you're sharing it!

Yay! I'll try and answer everything for you. I appreciate how much effort you put into this too <3

Quote from Crank

First of all (and I'm only on the first chapter at the moment in case any of this suddenly changes) was there any particular reason why you chose past tense over present? Don't get me wrong, 1st person past is my favorite to write, but considering how exactly the story was recorded, it felt a little out of place. Like, thoughts by nature are very tied into the now. If my friend punched someone in the face, my in(I'm gong to kill these fucking pop ups)itial thought wouldn't be "What was he thinking?", it'd be what are you. I realize that this is something he expects people to read, but you to me is always who I'm looking at. That would be a pain to figure out how to prevent from getting confusing, but it's just a thought.

The reason it's past tense is because that's how the thought recorder is arranging her thoughts and subconscious thoughts together, creating text that looks identical to how books are written so it's easier to read. That, and Im used to past tense. A book I attempted writing in the past which I really liked but never posted here used present tense, and I kept accidentally switching back to past tense because that's what Im used to :p

Quote from Crank

Another little side thing is contractions. I read a while ago in psych that if you're telling a lie, you're more likely to say both words separately. I forget why, I think more less for an authoritative tone or to emphasis your words, but to me, 'would not' almost feels pushed. That might just be for me however, because that's just engrained in my head, specifically beside the quote "I did not have sex with that woman."

Did you change you font size halfway though? That hurt my eyes.
Moving on!

Contractions are kind of a subconscious thing for me that I use in my own speech. When I switch to full words in the story, it's mostly to give those words more emphasis. I'm not sure which specific examples you're pointing out to me though, so I'm unsure what to change, if anything.

Quote from Crank

Only actually writing critique I have however, is Illianna's sudden plummet to rage.

As quick as that, my guilt disappeared and my anger returned, burning bright as a raging fire. “Fuck you.” I snarled, decking the captain across the jaw.

It just felt, too sudden I guess. Like there just wasn't enough buildup for me. This is the first time any sort of rage or dark side is really shown in your narrator (She, right? I went that whole time thinking it was a dude), and I think you could've had a little bit more powerful of an impact if you led into it, just a little bit more.

As quick as that, my guilt disappeared and my anger returned, bubbling up far too suddenly to even have a chance of being contained. Broken thoughts and memories surged my mind and an inferno, burning bright as a raging fire, consumed my entire being. Animistic instinct jetted my shaking first forward, forward but even if I could've stopped it, I'm glad I didn't. “Fuck you.” I snarled, hearing my fist crack against the captain's jaw and send him sprawling to the ground.

The story looks really good so far! I'm glad you're sharing it!

I attempted to use her sudden rage as she learned the traders were from Earth as a way to make people wonder what made her lose her cool so quickly. It's explained right afterwards just why Illy hates them so much as she raves at them for a little while. With that in mind, would you still say I should change it up?
I might do the same for a lot of my other actions as well. It's always a good idea to make moments more meaty.

Thanks again for all the c&c :>

Alright, I'll take that as a fair answer, and contractions are probably a just me thing anyway so I wouldn't worry about it too much! If you've never heard anything similar to that, it's probably just my brain being weird.

Oh no! I think you did a great job with the follow up explanation, I just would've liked to see a little bit more internally prior to it. If you wanted to go straight to the punch I'm sure her mind could race after it's delivery, but I personally feel like for first person sudden emotional shifts like that should be felt before they're told. I'm not against secrets, but the internal struggle has always been the most important part of that perspective. Like, it'd be amazing with third, but I'm not in their head so to speak. Even if I don't know exactly why, I would still like to feel that there is some sort of distinct reason for the outburst before it become common knowledge, if that makes any sense. It might be worth playing around with a little, but if it doesn't quite fit I wouldn't go nuts over it.

And you're welcome! Thanks again for the call to action!