Abra v. Ruban

Started by: Aquila | Replies: 3 | Views: 685

Aquila
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Jun 3, 2014 1:37 AM #1201677
The sixth battle is here! Abra vs the delicious classic corn beef on rye with sauerkraut! Wait wrong Reuben, Ruban is a super-advance AI that has obtained a vessel who is indestructible and able to manipulate his body into anything he wants. Abra needs no introduction, but for you newcomers, he's the card wielder who can summon any circus character or prop he wants.

Ruban (Munisylc's) side (Click to Show)


Abra (6Asmo6deus6's) side (Click to Show)
Munisylc

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Jun 3, 2014 6:38 PM #1201894
Actually, Ruban is not a robot. He was formerly a super-advanced AI, yes, but he is not a robot. Ruban is actually... well, he's an entity with an indestructible body. I should probably go clear this up on his profile.
Aquila
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Jun 3, 2014 7:51 PM #1201910
No Reuben is a delicious sandwich, lol i'll fix that in the intro then
Crank
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Jun 10, 2014 1:20 AM #1204595
Munisylc, you've to me a little bit confused man. I really liked your style, and I found your characters portrayed interestingly. That being said, your battle reminded me of a chocolate Easter bunny. First of all, CAPSLOCK, seeing as I probably summoned you by dropping that word, don't get your hopes up, I'm still on team mint. Second, what was there was good, really good. But it was hollow. There wasn't enough, so when you take that first bite of the story and realize there's not much there, it's disappointing. I genuinely think you know what you're doing by what you left me, just as I know the chocolate smiths are good at their job, but I'm left wondering why it wasn't filled in. If you dive into more details, you'll make leaps and bounds over where this is at, show the action taking place and don't assume your reader knows exactly how all characters function. Slow it down a bit, if something confusing about to happen show it second by second so you don't lose your reader. I'd give my regular italic/bold example, but I quite frankly don't understand how Ruben works well enough to do it.

Trip 6:

Any time you want to show impact, slow the story down and show the individual parts being effected. Personally, I would like the feel the blow (or blows) that start the fight. It gets your reader invested in the fight and makes them feel for the fighters.


"Wait, wha?" Ruban could barely get the question out as Abra grabbed him and chucked him.

Abra popped his shoulder back into place, "Damn you must weigh a ton."



"Wait, wha?" Ruban could barely get the question out as Abra's gloved hand seized him by the throat, clenching it tightly as he poured every ounce of strength in his body into a singular thrust. The unexpected weight of the warrior tore his shoulder out of its socket however, popping viciously as his foe's feet lifted off the ground, exploding a ripple of pain throughout his body. An agony, which almost brought Abra to his own knees as Ruben entered the air, reeling as he gripped the joint, biting down hard as he yanked it back into place. If he had eyes in the spiraling portal behind his mask, they would've watered at the pain.

"Damn, you must weigh a ton."


Additionally, when you slow things down it points out what might not be realistic and can ultimately turn the fight into something a bit more believable.

Congratulations on your continued improvement, you have my vote.