Excalibur's Wielder-Dawn of Knights

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Excalibur's Wielder-Dawn of Knights

Started by: Wither | Replies: 1 | Views: 540

Wither
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Jul 12, 2014 10:27 AM #1218542

Hey guys Wither's here! Have you enjoyed reading the first chapter? Here's a new one! And there are new characters in this story!

If you haven't read the first chapter of the story, click here!

Dawn of Knights (Click to Show)

Merlin and Arthur joined together to fight the forces of Morgana. Arthur charges and kills evey monster that stands in his path. Merlin casts spells on her evil army, Morgana then fought Merlin. As the two sorcerers fight, Arthur has been slaying 200 Shade Monsters in 7 minutes. By that time, his friends from the Academion comes and gives Arthur help.
They are:
Critz, a young man who is Arthur's close friend and wields a high tech weapon.
Jessica, a young woman who is very skillful at wielding scythes.
Daniel Arc, a man who is Arthur's next close friend and is a skillful swordsman same as Arthur.
Jynx, a 17 year old girl who is very deadly when wielding two daggers.

All four of them joins Arthur in the fight. "Need a help boomstick?" says Critz to Arthur. "Just in time Critz," replies Arthur. "I didn't expect you guys came here" says Arthur again.
"We knew something was going on here, Arth" Jessica talking to Arthur while killing a Orc Shade nearby. "Ok, enough of it. Jynx and Daniel help that old guy over there, Critz and Jessica, let's clean this up" Arthur says it with confidence, since all of them are the Elites in the Academion.
Daniel and Jynx charges to attack Morgana while she is fighting Merlin. Morgana summons her Cerberus and orders it to attack Daniel and Jynx. When Daniel and Jynx were together, they are deadly. Daniel draws his sword and stabs a Cerberus head while Jynx is dealing enough injuries to the Cerberus to make it fall. Daniel took up his sword and beheads all 3 of the Cerberus heads.
Arthur, Jessica and Critz began to kill all remaining Shade Monsters. "Arghh! Help! Help me-arghh!" a scream of help from an Alliance Knight getting killed. Then a loud roar follows after the scream, a huge beast with limbs from another body is seen on it. It is a Shade Giant. Arthur and Jessica takes the first move on the Giant, Arthur swings his Excalibur to the Giant and Jessica brutally slices of a limb of the Giant. Critz then charges his Gladus, and shoots the Giant, the huge feral beast sustains heavy injuries. Jessica began to use her deadliest attack, the Blood Roses.
Jessica uses her speed slicing off every limb of the Giant, then, Arthur brutally slices the beast's body in two. Then Souls came out of the Giant and went to Arthur's Excalibur. Morgana, enrage that her army is defeaten by young Knights leaves the place and says "The world shall be mine!"
"Finally, it ends.." says Arthur in calm.
"I don't really think so Young Master," Merlin says it in worries.
"Why do you say like that?" asks Critz.
"Morgana is an evil witch, she will not give up until she gets what she wants" replies Merlin.
"Well, we must fight her when she comes again," says Jessica while she sticks her scythe on the ground.
"I'll give her hell when she comes back" taunts Daniel.
"Yeah, this world is ours guys, not hers!" says Jynx confidently.

Will Morgana returns? Find out in the next chapter!

CnC please!

Crank
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Jul 24, 2014 3:14 AM #1222406

Admittedly, this took me too long to get to.

I always respect when people trying playing with large scale, but when you have something of a war or some on many, you really need to slow it down. Most of the battle felt like it could've been an episode recap, it was rapid fire snippets when I would like to see the full scene play out. Dive into details, it's the only way to show people what you see in your mind. Before I give an example though, two really quick things. 1st, when you're writing in present tense, your first action verb will be singular when you're dealing with plural nouns and vice verse, and second, try avoiding using the same thing over an over. Names are easy to substitute for, you can usually just plug in a trait and it will begin to establish more about the character.

Daniel and Jynx charges to attack Morgana while she is fighting Merlin. Morgana summons her Cerberus and orders it to attack Daniel and Jynx. When Daniel and Jynx were together, they are deadly. Daniel draws his sword and stabs a Cerberus head while Jynx is dealing enough injuries to the Cerberus to make it fall. Daniel took up his sword and beheads all 3 of the Cerberus heads.

Daniel and Jynx charge to attack Morgana while she is fighting Merlin, but hearing them come, the which summons her Cerberus in a flash of dark magic and orders it to battle the duo. The beast resembles more of a wolf than a dog, thick grey hair coating it's body as it bares its teeth with the blood-lust of a demon. Clawed feet dig into the earth as it hunches its body in preparation to pounce, but When Daniel and Jynx are together, they are deadly. A glint of light flickers in the stale air as Daniel tears his sword from its sheath while Jynx readies her weapons. With haunting swiftness, it attacks, leaping through the air with a monstrous roar from each savage head as both undeterred warriors shout in reply. Even with its claws extended, it was no match for Daniel's reach, shoving his blade forward and piercing through the brain of the middle head, stained in crimson upon exit while Jynx slides under the Cerberus. Pulling her daggers close to her chest, the teenager snaps them apart suddenly, slicing deep as gore pours from the fresh 'x' shaped wounds. Howling in agony, its pained claws quickly lost the sidestepping swordsman, cold eyes staring at the wounded animal as he retracted his blade. Thinking for a brief moment, the sun shown brightly on his armor as he rose his weapon high above his head, only to bring it down like a cleaver though a chunk of meat. All three heads sever from spine in one sickening crunch, the accumulated blood of the kill recoloring his armor.

To be completely honest with you, I think details and grammar should be your primary concern for a bit. There is more advice to give within the story, but I think it helps to just focus on a few things at once. If you ever need help writing a scene, just think about anything you've read or saw. What lead up to that? How did it happen, and what are the steps it took.

For example, there's a picture on facebook that I saw of my brother kicking a guy in the head (because he's a badass [and it was taken during an amateur kickboxing fight])

picture is big (Click to Show)

It's a single simple motion, but even it can be broke down.

1: Observe opponent
2: Calculate distance
3: Create appropriate distance (or wait for it)
4: Brace self
5: Launch foot

Alright, so we have our little list, now we just have to put them together.

Keen brown eyes locked on their adversary as the body of a bald man fought for control of the square ring they were doing battle in. Inches out of his range, David took a small step to the side while his foe made the mistake of taking a bigger one to him. Instinctively, the bald man's right foot planted firmly against the mat while his left shot up in a small arc, bashing into the side of the other man's skull.

Not my best example ever, but I hope you can see what I'm saying!

I hope to see more from ya!