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The sounds.

Started by: Turquoise#2 | Replies: 1 | Views: 515

Turquoise#2
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Jul 16, 2014 7:50 PM #1219760
I got the idea for this from a website that N T posted:
http://youshouldwrite.com/index.php
an inexperienced schizophrenic woman is walking

The sounds. She hated the sounds. Sounds everywhere. Sounds of people. Their hate and their suffering, their pain and their joy. Sounds of animals and sounds of other living things. She always heard them. She wished they would just stop.
She tried to get away from the sounds. But they kept following her. Even when there was nobody, she heard them. The sounds. The horrible sounds. The blood-curdling screams and the high-pitched squeals. She hated the sounds. She wished they would just stop.
She walked along the deserted road, snow everywhere. The sounds seemed to echo in the emptiness. They seemed twice as loud. But there was no-one there. Yet she had no time to be confused. She just kept walking. But no matter how far or how fast she walked, she couldn't escape the sounds. The sounds became louder,and they became more in number. Now they screamed as if they were dying. She wished they would.She wished they would just stop.
She had walked along this road before, but it was a dead end of sorts. She turned back last time, but for now, she kept walking. She thought the further she went, so quieter the sounds would become. But they didn't. They increased in strength, and they kept getting louder, and louder, and louder. She would put her hands over her ears, but they kept shouting and screaming. The horrible screams. They tore at her, and she could do nothing. She wished they would just stop.
She pressed down on her ears and quickened her pace. But they kept increasing. They would never stop. The sounds now screamed at her, blamed HER for their troubles. She didn't know what they were talking about, yet she was being blamed? She would wave her hands in the air, as if that would move them away. But it didn't. She hated the sounds. She wished they would just stop.
They blamed her. They screamed at her. They questioned her. She screamed back, but they wouldn't respond. They kept screaming. She was sad at first, but then she became mad. Furious at the voices. She would wave her arms around, scream and insult the voices. But they didn't seem to care. She hated the sounds. She wished they would just stop.
She kept quickening her pace. Now she began to run. But the voices seemed to follow her. No matter how fast she went, the voices had latched onto her. She did not like this. She did not like it at all. The voices increased in number steadily, and they became much louder over time. She screamed and stomped her feet, but she could not hear herself. She only heard the voices. She wished they would just stop.
The end of the road was nearing. She knew what lay ahead, yet she continue running. The voices now told her to stop running. But she didn't listen to them. She felt as if they came from her own mind, that the voices were just her talking to herself. But she knew it was a lie. A lie the voices told her. She hated the lying voices. She wished they would just stop.
Finally, she reached the end. The voices told her to turn back, but she wouldn't listen. They screamed at her, and she felt them tugging at her. But she moved forward slowly, step by step. She was now at the edge. The road had a steep decline, a cliff ,even, but she knew that she must continue. She took her last step. Finally, the voices had stopped.

I hope i did good :D
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Jul 22, 2014 2:45 AM #1221656
Hey! Welcome to the Lounge, I don't think I've seen you here before!

It took me a little bit to fully understand what you were getting at with the repeated "She wished they would just stop" but when it finally clicked that they were intentional the story became much more intense, foreshadowing a shift one way or another.

That being said, what you were doing is much easier to do in poems. Poems have distinct rhythms, so repeated lines can become somewhat of a recognizable chorus. In a story though, when you repeat something over and over, it could reflect poorly.

The sounds. She hated the sounds. Sounds everywhere. Sounds of people. Their hate and their suffering, their pain and their joy. Sounds of animals and sounds of other living things. She always heard them. She wished they would just stop.
She tried to get away from the sounds. But they kept following her. Even when there was nobody, she heard them. The sounds. The horrible sounds. The blood-curdling screams and the high-pitched squeals. She hated the sounds. She wished they would just stop.
She walked along the deserted road, snow everywhere. The sounds seemed to echo in the emptiness. They seemed twice as loud. But there was no-one there. Yet she had no time to be confused. She just kept walking. But no matter how far or how fast she walked, she couldn't escape the sounds. The sounds became louder,and they became more in number. Now they screamed as if they were dying. She wished they would.She wished they would just stop.


At this point, I really hate to use the word, but the same sounds get exhausting after a while. Are you in band in school? If so, does your teacher ever spend a day with you playing the music to the beat of a metronome? It's fine at first, but after awhile it rapidly become that God-forsaken hellish "Thunk. Thunk. Thunk. Thunk." If you don't mix up your vocabulary, the same words over and over again have a similar effect. That's why the "She wished they would just stop" went over my head repeatedly. I had already heard 'sounds' a dozen times, so it wasn't "Huh, I heard that before" it just felt like more of the same old food in need of seasoning. If you mix up your vocabulary you could improve your piece dramatically.

The sounds. She hated the sounds. Sounds everywhere. Cacophony of people. Their hate and their suffering, their pain and their joy. Racket of animals and bedlam of other living things. She always heard them. She wished they would just stop.

She tried to get away from the racket. But it kept following her. Even when there was nobody, she heard it. The chaos. The horrible chanting. The blood-curdling screams and the high-pitched squeals. She hated the sounds. She wished they would just stop.

She walked along the deserted road, snow everywhere. The commotion seemed to echo in the emptiness. It felt twice as loud. But there was no-one there. Yet she had no time to be confused. She just kept moving. But no matter how far or how fast she hiked, she couldn't escape the sounds. They became louder,and they became more in number. Now they screamed as if they were dying. She wished they would. She wished they would just stop.


Alternatively, this could've been more of a formatting issue. A lot of people have a secret (or not so secret) pet peeve of clumps of texts, and breathing room is especially important when you're trying to make something of a poem. Retrospectively, the center alignment does make much more sense in that regard.


The sounds.
She hated the sounds.
Sounds everywhere.
Sounds of people.
Their hate and their suffering,
Their pain and their joy.
Sounds of animals
And sounds of other living things.
She always heard them.
She wished they would just stop.

She tried to get away from the sounds.
But they kept following her.
Even when there was nobody, she heard them.
The sounds.
The horrible sounds.
The blood-curdling screams and the high-pitched squeals.
She hated the sounds.
She wished they would just stop.

She walked along the deserted road,
Snow everywhere.
The sounds seemed to echo in the emptiness.
They seemed twice as loud.
But there was no-one there.
Yet she had no time to be confused.
She just kept walking.
But no matter how far or how fast she walked,
She couldn't escape the sounds.
The sounds became louder,
And they became more in number.
Now they screamed as if they were dying.
She wished they would.
She wished they would just stop.


I guess the main thing in this, is how do you want it to be heard. Writing gives all kinds of different ways to create... pacing. Just as a few examples. I feel that long lines of text are read much more straight up that a short ones, which tend to be read more rhythmically. If you want more of a story, be sure to use a broad vocabulary, but if you're desiring more of a poem, your format is crucial.

All in all however, I found this a good, very thought provoking piece. I hope to see more from you!
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