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Chapter Two--The Archer of War

Started by: zoomxoom | Replies: 2 | Views: 794

zoomxoom
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Jul 17, 2014 11:21 AM #1219941
The second chapter of the First Strike, CnC would be greatly appreciated from those who read this, and if you haven't read chapter one, please read that first, the link is in my Signature.

Chapter 2 (Click to Show)
Crank
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Jul 24, 2014 10:05 PM #1222704
Looks pretty solid to me! Glad to have some background going forward!

Still got a couple things for ya though, as long as you've got someone with amnesia, you have to be constant with what types of things he'd recognize. From what I saw last time, he has retained all of his old skills but other than that is a blank slate having no idea about anything else. Like, he was alerted to having the knowledge to place pressure on a wound, but the eye thing left him completely unphased. As an example, I have hazel eyes, so depending what I'm wearing a different color sometime gets brought out so I guess I don't always know what my eye color is before I see a mirror and it is a little surprising when it's not what you're expecting. The sudden discovery of a star shaped pupil seemed a bit too relaxed with what I'd read so far, which was amplified when Tarcon said he hadn't seen anything like that before. I felt like that would've raised a few red flags.

The other thing is to just watch for repeated words, it takes a while to start picking up on, but once you start mixing them up more it'll help a lot with the flow of your stories, and on a side note with words, don't be afraid to use powerful ones when there isn't any action going on.

I wake slowly today, unlike both the times I remember waking up previously. I am not distressed now; I can see, I can think. The sun has yet to rise, judging by how little light is coming through the window. It doesn’t take much for me to stand now, the wound doesn’t hurt much; it seems I should be fine as long as I make sure the wound doesn’t reopen.

Not that is particularly bad by any means, but there isn't really anything to ensnare your reader's attention. It's a regular day by most standards, but that doesn't mean you should let it be dull. You can draw contrast from yesterday, emphasize aspects, dive into your character's, highlight the setting, or some other things I can't think of.

I wake peacefully today, unlike either of the abrupt cuts to consciousness from my memories. I am not distressed this time; I can see, I can think. A faint glow illuminates the window, but judging by its softness the sun has yet to rise. That's no excuse to by lazy however, and as I slide my legs off my bed and push them upwards, I feel most of agony from my recent wounds have subsided. I should be fine if I'm careful, but they likely wouldn't take much to reopen.

It's just an example of the contrast, but I think if you mixed more of the list into your intro you'd have a very effective grabber. Regardless how relaxed something starts, your beginning should always have something that calls to be read, which could be as simple as highlighting the tranquility of the area. Additionally, because this is the first thing your reader will read, you should also use it to highlight the mood, if you can make your reader feel they way your main character feels they'll be much easier to connect with.

A fresh coat of dew from the cool night blanketed the grass, shimmering in an awe inducing display while the sun rose slowly overhead. Color rapidly filled into the meadow along with its assent, what was once dark and bleak was now vibrant and full of life, birds sang loving songs in the distance as the mammals carefully exited their home under the warm light, eyes sparkling as they awoke refreshed. God, it's been too long since I've watched a sunrise.

Hope this makes sense!
zoomxoom
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Jul 28, 2014 7:11 PM #1224080
Hmm, yeah, it makes sense, once I get the other chapters up and get a bit of feedback on some of them, I plan to go back and edit them one by one, and then i plan to edit them collectively to make sure they retain their flow. Chapter 3 is going up today, its a bit of a doozy in length, so I may not post chapter 4 for a while.

Thank you for the CnC though Crank, it's much appreciated!
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