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Fran's Fireworks: Larry vs Sabine

Started by: SaulMurphy | Replies: 2 | Views: 691

SaulMurphy
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Jul 21, 2014 9:05 AM #1221294
This is the Civil War battle between Twitchypidge's Sabine and digkid's Larry. They are fighting in a fireworks shop! Due to not receiving digkid's entry yet, the thread is being made so long with only Twitch's entry. digkid's will be added once I receive it, but until then, I will leave the poll running. The longer he takes, the less time there will be to vote for his piece.

Sabine:

Fran's Fireworks (Click to Show)
Crank
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Jul 29, 2014 1:37 AM #1224164
It's getting to the point that my faith in the holdouts is rapidly draining, and although I really hope I'm wrong, I'm sorry that it looks like you're going unchallenged this round Pidge.

Anyway though! Very solid story! I liked it a lot and the end got a good chuckle out of me and I think you did a great job finding a way for the fight to start! When I saw your condition, but I think you played it off really well!

I just got a few things for ya.

First off, I know this is going to be a little hypocritical coming from me, but I think you need to be careful for using too many long sentences in a row. I usually notice this type of thing with really short ones, but I think it works both ways. Do you play an instrument? I played tuba throughout school so I had plenty of rests to breathe during, but if stars aligned and I got the rhythm for a bit, I didn't have such a cleanly defined place to catch my breath. Applies here a little bit too, if commas are quick breaths and periods are rests. Sure you can slip in one or two every once in a while, but too much and it starts to sound sloppy. Don't get me wrong, I will kill myself to own eight measures of glory, but if I have another eight right after that I'm mildly screwed. And again, I know I'm a hypocrite here.

Sabine pulled her hood further up along her head as she was greeted by the cheery shop owner of ‘Fran’s Fireworks’. She needed some gunpowder for a few hexes, and independence day was coming up so she figured purchasing some flaming projectiles would be a decent way to spend some time before her cab showed up.

She couldn’t risk walking home, not with the black hand still out and about, but she didn’t want the boys to worry, and avoiding wet fireworks seemed a decent enough reason to not walk home. Her injuries could easily be blamed on her re-evaluation.

The stench she’d caught a whiff of outside deepened into worse levels of grotesqueness, panicked she yanked up her sleeve where horns and coal had burned through to see if she’d begun to rot, though she was sure she had several weeks before it would begin.

She was greeted with angrily glowing patches, and several holes from where the sleeve had caught on the spikes, rather than the oozey, greying flesh she feared.


Sabine pulled her hood further up along her head as she was greeted by the cheery shop owner of ‘Fran’s Fireworks’. She needed some gunpowder for a few hexes, and independence day was coming up so she figured purchasing some flaming projectiles would be a decent way to spend some time.

Besides, she couldn’t risk walking home. Not with the black hand still out and about, but she didn’t want the boys to worry either. Taking a cab to avoid wet fireworks seemed a decent enough excuse, and her injuries could easily be blamed on her re-evaluation.

Having caught a stench from something before even entering, a sudden panic struck her as it deepened into worse levels of grotesqueness. Desperately she yanked up her sleeve where horns and coal had burned through to see if she’d begun to rot, though she was sure she had several weeks before it would begin.

She was greeted with angrily glowing patches, and several holes from where the sleeve had caught on the spikes, rather than the oozey, greying flesh she feared.


It just helps out with the pacing a little bit.

The other thing was when the serpent firework went off, by nature of it becoming a serpent and exploding it automatically sounded really cool. I would've like to see it in more details, as well as the mass chaos that ensued so soon after. It almost felt a little nonchalant. Like, if I suddenly come to the knowledge that my best friend beheaded a massive wolf that was going to devour a baby, I am going to hear that story, even if I have to spend the next four hours asking him questions that his uncharacteristically casual self seems to think are no big deal. I think pretty much anything unique is worth giving a slow-mo moment, so to speak.

Again though, I really liked it and even though you're unchallenged for the moment, you diffidently earned my vote!
blakphoenix
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Jul 31, 2014 7:30 AM #1224784
As a member of the DigKid fandom I have been severely hurt by his lack of providing me with quality writing content against you Pidge. This lack of effort will result in a loss for him, but if Digkid can dig it then so can I!

Now Now Now, I see Crankypoos here already covered one primary concern with this piece which would be the "MEGA SENTENCES" (dun dun duuuun.) The only thing I can ask you to work on at this point is intensifying your scenes. If there are fireworks going off in a firework store I expect to feel like complete and utter firey chaos is ensuing all around the area and the best anyone can do is dodge a few stray bottle rockets before stepping on a firecracker whose explosion lights and m-80 that knocks over the crate of illegals right onto some sparklers that manage to light their fuses and "Oh boy is it about to get messy in here," but that's just because I like drawing out things. Anyway that was nice, short, sweet, and a bit explosive, that's all you need for a good piece sometimes and this is one of those times. Good Job. ^_^
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