The Airbus: Gladstone vs Aiba

Started by: SaulMurphy | Replies: 1 | Views: 669

SaulMurphy
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Jul 21, 2014 9:11 AM #1221296
This is the Civil War battle between SJCRPV's Gladstone and Ken_Rou's Aiba. They are fighting over a parachute while a plane is going down. So 007 of them. Due to not receiving Ken's battle, I will only post SJ's. The poll will be open already and I will post Ken's battle when it comes to me. People will thus have less time to vote for his piece.

Gladstone:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1G89ZqLj2A-EyBSpn9aRMLvyR9CWS0WcXjG7-K9Be-iM/edit?usp=sharing

Airbus (Click to Show)
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Jul 29, 2014 9:24 PM #1224352
"obscene gesture on both hands"

Alright, I got a pretty wide smirk right about now! Very interesting story, it's a real shame you're the only one who submitted though, especially considering this is a battle of clan leaders. Regardless though, I very much enjoyed reading your work!

Just one thing though, it felt like a lot of intensity was missing from the story.

Not even his pixels, trying to calm him down with their wordless attempts at consolation, were succeeding. Only one sat snugly on top of Sebastian’s head as the plane lifted itself from the ground, hidden inside his hair.

But now, due to the negligence of some engineer, there was an engine on fire and a plane bound to crash on the ground. People were in panic, fastening the seat belts they had removed just minutes ago and hugging their loved ones, if there were any, in between screams. Gladstone however, would have none of that. He too was scared, but when he looked out the window again, he realized something.


I don't know, that sounded a little bit more like a documentary than an action movie to me. Like, it's still a documentary about a plane falling from the sky, but I don't just want the facts. I want to see the engine ignite, maybe a little shaky cam as the chaos starts to unfold before panning to the petrified protagonist. I think the main thing you're missing is stronger words. Like, you can't tensely shout the words at me through the screen just the same as you can't see my crazy hand motions as you read this, but different words give different, and clearer images in people's mind.

Jack ran at Bob.

Okay, maybe they're old friends.

Jack charged Bob.

Never mind. Something's about to go down. Probably Bob, when Jack tackles him and beats his face in.

Word choice does a really good job showing off the mood of the story.

Not even his pixels, trying to calm him down with their wordless attempts at consolation, were succeeding. Only one sat snugly on top of Sebastian’s head as the plane lifted itself from the ground, hidden inside his hair.

But now, due to the negligence of some engineer, an engine burst into a wild inferno, and condemned the plane to crash into the ground. People were in panic, fastening the seat belts they had removed just minutes ago and embraced their loved ones, if there were any, in between screams. Gladstone however, would have none of that. He too was terrified, but when he looked out the window again, his intense horror plunged deeper.


The words you pick can really ooze atmosphere into your piece, so when things get intense I'd really like to see some stronger ones! My brain crapped out on a few recent CnCs about repeated words, and http://thesaurus.com/ saved my sorry butt there. If there's ever a scene your second guessing, chances are you'll be able to plug a few words in there and wind up having a really robust product.

Again though, I found your story very enjoyable! Great job!