Stick Page Forums Archive

Retribution Wars

Started by: Ares | Replies: 5 | Views: 964

Ares
2

Posts: 443
Joined: Aug 2014
Rep: 10

View Profile
Sep 16, 2014 8:49 AM #1243548
Welcome to Retribution Wars, where Earth is nothing but a wasteland roamed by beasts known as the Dread.

Introduction (Click to Show)


Chapter 1 (Click to Show)


Chapter 2 (Click to Show)


Chapter 3 (Click to Show)


Chapter 4 (Click to Show)


[spoiler=Chapter 5]
The Anger That Consumes
The squad that slays, the freedom they have to claim not only for themselves but for the whole world. The weapon in their hands symbolises death for the Dreads.
Charging towards the Metal Dread, the
Slayers attacked a Dread caught in their very sight. Every one of them wanted the Dread to be dead.
"Hank! I need you to shoot it with your rocket launcher," Leo ordered the brown skinned man to shoot the beast with his rocket launcher.
"You got it Leo!" replied Hank with his rocket launcher aimed towards the Dread.
"Daniel, Greg! I need you to bring it down!" Leo ordered the twins to bring the huge montrosity down to the ground.
"Right! You know what they say,"
"The bigger they are, the harder the fall" the two twins agreed.

Then, Hank shoots his rocket launcher to the Dread. As rockets launched towards the Dread, the twins used the Grappler to bring the Dread down.
"Lia, Marceline and Beatrice! Create a distraction by shooting the Dread. Ryu, you're with me, we're going to devour the Dread" Leo ordered his teamates again.
"Ok, Leo and be careful!" Lia reminds Leo once again.
Leo and Ryu drew their swords and used their Grappler. Leo then reaches the arm of the Dread, he lifts his sword and swings it towards the Dread's arm. The metal limb of the Dread fell on the ground while Ryu notices something, there is a scream not that loud. Then, Ryu looks at the glowing part of the Dread. The Japanese man was shocked as he saw a person inside it.
"Leo! Leo! We should attack the glowing part of the Dread. This guy brought someone in it!" Ryu alerted Leo about his discovery.
Leo immediately stopped at what he's doing. Then again, something's not right. The Dread opened its mouth and it glows, like it is charging a beam. The beast aimed towards Lia and the others. And a blazing beam came out of its mouth. The beam hits the squad on the ground while Leo and Ryu is safe, uninjured. A few seconds later, the beam disappeared and Lia, Hank, Marceline, Beatrice and the twins is injured. Shocked and angry, Leo sees Lia lying on the ground injured.
"Damn, damn... DAMN YOU DREAD!!!!!" Leo closed his eyes while saying it, as he finished his words. He opened his eyes and his pupils turned red blood from blue ocean. A red aura came out of his body. Leo's ability is Wrath, when he gets angry, very angry, his speed, strength and jump height is increased.
Then, the angry Leo jumps off the arm of the Dread and went towards the head of the Dread. When he reached the head, he brandishes his sword and beheads the head in just a single strike. The head fell onto the ground and the huge beast fell onto its knees. Then lying down, dead.
Ryu breaks the glowing part of the Dread to retrieve the person in it. The part shattered and Ryu reached his hand to pull the person out. It's a young woman, aging between 18-25.
Then, the wrathful Leo calms down and the red aura around him disappeared. His eye turned back to normal. Then, he walks slowly to Lia. After that, he lifts up Lia. The eyes of Lia opened slowly, a blurry vision slowly becomes clear. Her face was covered with blood.
"Are you okay? Can you stand up Lia?" Leo asked her with concern.
"I.. I'm fine, I just can't stand up. It'll be a burden for the whole squad" then, Lia coughed blood and smiles. She lift up her hand and puts it on Leo's cheek. "I'm just
Crank
2

Posts: 1,849
Joined: Feb 2012
Rep: 10

View Profile
Sep 16, 2014 6:19 PM #1243675
I'm on my phone so I lose all of fancy abilities, but beyond the story and just in general, you might want to consider having a full, complete idea instead of just posting rapid fire stories. Make sure your idea is fully thought out and fleshed out before setting it in stone, and quality is always more important than quantity. I'm not saying this was bad because it wasn't (and again, I'm going to actually give this CnC when I'm at home) but don't worry if a story takes a little while. Good ideas aren't instant and sometimes it helps to look at something with fresh eyes.

EDIT:
So I'm home now.

I think the main thing that you should focus on is character development. The last thing that you want is a cardboard cutout staring, and if you've got a big cast it's going to be harder to avoid that. Try making each of the ten distinct in some way, give them different personalities. Beyond just your readers, if you make them all unique they'll grow on you as well. Try giving them pasts, events that shaped them into who they are.

Also, be careful with your tenses, they sound weird if they flip back and forth.

"I never see you earlier Leo," a voice of a young woman named Lia Anadria as she walks towards Leo.

Just as an example, see is present while earlier is past. It's suddenly dawning on me that this is a tricky rule for me to explain, and I don't want to slip up and tell you something wrong. While this did come up a few times, it was right more often than not, but the tense a whole shifted after the setting was established. I suppose if you do know the rule be careful with it, or if not you might want to look it up. I'm really drawing a blank at putting it into words. Come to think of it, it's also conflicting with different times. Never and earlier clash, you can't be before never.

In this one, it's reading as though "When I'm always looking for you, I don't currently see you beforehand."

"I didn't see you earlier Leo," a voice of a young woman named Lia Anadria as she walks towards Leo.

In this one, it's more "When I was looking for you earlier, I didn't see you."

I also think you're missing a word.

"I didn't see you earlier Leo," a voice of a young woman named Lia Anadria calls as she walks towards Leo.

To begin with though, I'd strongly advise you to work on keeping your tenses straight and making sure your characters have some depth and we can go from there!
Ares
2

Posts: 443
Joined: Aug 2014
Rep: 10

View Profile
Sep 17, 2014 12:19 AM #1243764
Thanks for the feedback Crank! You've helped me a lot!
Ares
2

Posts: 443
Joined: Aug 2014
Rep: 10

View Profile
Sep 17, 2014 8:13 AM #1243915
Chapter 2 The World Outside is added!
Also, Chapter 2 is too short I'll try to make it longer next time. If you have CnC's feel free to let it out but please no harsh words. And join its RP version!
Retribution Wars: The RP
Ares
2

Posts: 443
Joined: Aug 2014
Rep: 10

View Profile
Sep 18, 2014 7:26 AM #1244305
Chapter 3 is now joining the Wars! CnC is very appreciated.
Ares
2

Posts: 443
Joined: Aug 2014
Rep: 10

View Profile
Sep 19, 2014 7:20 AM #1244670
Chapter 4 slowly reveals Leo and Lia's feeling to each other.
Oh, and this what Jack-01 should look like.
Image
Website Version: 1.0.4
© 2025 Max Games. All rights reserved.