Name: Proton


Abilities:


He can calculate possible movement scenarios to dodge or lock on attacks in less than a second (not foolproof, he needs to choose one of the scenarios to anticipate, it still comes down to luck)

Proton can manipulate atoms, especially the electrons, in various ways.




ifting Rapier") for melee combat, the sword is unbreakable From the handle to the tip of the blade, the sword is lined with an extremely conductive material so that Proton can send out focused shocks of electrons wherever the blade is pointed,blade is also an electromagnet coil, can attract or repulse some metals.
(Sword atoms have been manipulated so that they do not repulse with Proton himself while using "the electron effect")
ured old man. Proton helped the old man and delivered him to the nearest hospital, which was almost 30 Kilometers away but it took less time considering Proton's unorthodox ways of transportation (Electro boosted jumping), the old man told Proton of a sword that he has had and has been improving for almost 30 years, the sword is made from "special material" the man said. Shortly after, the man was showing signs of recovery so Proton decided to go to the location the man specified the sword would be located at, Proton found the sword and decided that he could be able to enhance it technologically and maybe even manipulate its atoms to make it more capable of aiding him in his battles, shortly after Proton received news that the man was his grandfather and that he has died. Proton decided to name the sword "The Shifting Rapier" because that was the name of a legendary sword in a story that his grandfather used to tell him, at least..in Protons dreams during his 9 years of slumber at the organization.[/Spoiler]Small Detail/Note:Even tho it is a sword Proton named it The Shifting Rapier because he wants to stick with the story he was told in his dreams by his "grandfather". Usually uses his Shifting Rapier with his right hand and rarely electro-boosts it because even tho the Shifting Rapier's atoms have been manipulated and it doesn't repulse but it becomes quite heavy and he can still use it but it requires more stamina than it usually would so even if he does electro boost it, usually it won't be for too long.[/Spoiler][/Spoiler][/Spoiler]


Weaknesses:
oton can not do his "ability to cut up projectiles and such" properly when he is tired/running out of stamina.

"The Electron Effect" makes him frail (as long as it's activated he can't really afford to take hits often)

Can only use "The Electron Effect" for 30 seconds (he can use it for longer than 30 seconds, but the longer he pushes over 30 seconds, the more energy it drains from him, means that he will feel more tired the longer he uses the effect after he deactivates it, if he uses the effect for longer than 130 seconds he will become immobilized instantly and cannot move for a while, also deactivates the effect once he is immobilized

Also needs 18 seconds to be able to use "The Electron Effect" again.

Without the Shifting Rapier, he obviously can't use the Shifting Rapier's powers[/Spoiler]


About/Story:

t a married couple had a newborn (Proton)

Proton was taken away from his parents while he was less than a week old, he was put in a laboratory by an Agency named A.T.O.M (Atomic Technological Organization Mainframe)

They used him as a subject for their experiments on humans to try and make the human body able of controlling and manipulating atoms while claiming it was for "life convenience" reasons, in reality it was a research on how to use such power as a weapon of mass destruction.

Proton woke up at the age of 9, to find the surrounding area consisting of rubble and ashes, everyone around him was severely injured, his own face and hands were covered in blood. any other 9 year old boy would be shocked into trauma but Proton was no ordinary boy.
Proton had no idea what caused this massacre, in reality this all was caused by him

Proton started shouting questions that came to his mind in an almost insane way "Who am I?!" "What is this place?!" "Why can't I remember anything?!", he grabbed a man with a lab coat and asked him "Where do I find my answers?"
The scientist pointed at some files and then Proton let him go, grabbed the files, and started reading them
the files had data of years of experiments on a child with superhuman intellect, Proton realized, that child was him, because that child had an uncanny resemblance to Proton. he had the same right eye with a barely visible black pupil and a slash-like scar over it and apparently he was born with his odd pupil and scar, then he read the rest of the details about his Powers, his abnormal intelligence, the fact he can control and manipulate atoms..

And from that moment, he named himself Proton, and tried to do an electro-boosted jump to flee out of the area but he could not, he still had much to learn about how to control his powers and especially how to use them in combat. Proton left the lab by foot thinking about what happened over and over again until his mind finally comprehended the idea, he was the one to cause all that destruction. Proton vowed from that day to never cause any suffering for the innocent,albeit in the heat of battle he does not hesitate to hurt or even kill those who deserve it.


Proton spent 10 years of training to harness his powers.


Proton was able to lock his sorrow deep inside his heart, but in reality was very depressed. The fact that he has become attached to many people throughout his travels and most of these people eventually meeting their fate has not helped with his depression problem, although Proton tends to fight his depression and become suddenly outgoing subconsciously even if it is for a short duration of time.
Until a fateful day in the year 2020 Proton received information from people he has helped in his travels throughout his training that if he wanted to seek out the people that caused all of this sorrow to him and to find out what happened to his parents his best choice is to join the community of RHG in hopes of finding clues.


(Current Age : 21)
Please check the abilities list for a story about his Shifting Rapier and how he obtained it.[/Spoiler]

Personality:

an be summarized in this:

appears solitude and cold demeanor because of his traumatic past.

-He has a mysterious vibe to him, which usually makes people curious about him.

Most of the time he's serious and calm. But at times especially when he has a kind of an outgoing mood he can be talkative and tends to use his otherwise hidden sense of humor.

"Proton was able to lock his sorrow deep inside his heart, but in reality was very depressed. The fact that he has become attached to many people throughout his travels and most of these people eventually meeting their fate has not helped with his depression problem, although Proton tends to fight his depression and become suddenly outgoing subconsciously even if it is for a short duration of time."

Proton underestimates himself, but because he analyzes situations he often realizes that he is much more capable of various things than his own expectations. Which causes him to sometimes become confident unlike his usual attitude.
Proton is ambidextrous.

Proton is more than likely to help someone in need, usually after analyzing the situation to see if they deserve his help or not and if there are other ways for the problem to be solved without him interfering. However, he usually ends up interfering because he knows that most of the time he can overpower most enemies. (This is not confidence nor arrogance, Proton just analyzes facts and most of the time he truly can overpower enemies.)

Deep down, he is a good person. But sometimes his depression gets the best of him.

Habits/Hobbies:

iterature, even poetry. But he lacks the time to engage into these works.

-Usually peeks his hands in the pockets of his pants, underneath his trench-coat. He does not actually realize when he is doing this, it's more of a "subconscious habit".[/Spoiler][/Spoiler]

Morality:

opponent and respects them, does not like harming the innocent, and will never kill an honorable opponent (after the fight is already over that is).
This is because his origin of birth [The Middle East] follows these morals and his instincts naturally agree with these morals especially after he learned more about his origin,this shows that he wants to find his parents and his home a lot.[/Spoiler]

Appearance:



word with trims of gray. It has a black handle connected to a hand guard that drops down on the right side. Attached to this elongated area of the hand-guard is part of Shifting Rapier's obsidian blade so as to better aid the user in retaining their grip on the sword when it is being used. The blade is completely black like the rest of the sword and the said blade is outlined in a light gray, this sword is less than 120 centimeters long and weighs 170 pounds.

whenever he uses one of the Shifting Rapier's abilities the Shifting Rapier will begin to show similar effects to those of blue electricity sparks flowing outwards and back into the sword. [/Spoiler][/Spoiler]

les that rotate around the body part in a medium to fast speed. (example: foot, fist, etc...depending on the situation at hand.)[/Spoiler]


Fanart:
[/Spoiler]


Demo (Working on a new one,I am extremely dissatisfied with the current one):
[Spoiler=Demo]

----------------------------

Overall he doesn't seem too bad~I really like his powers and his weaknesses balance him well enough~So as a character I really have no problems with him personally, he seems like an interesting individual and I look forward to your stories in the future~

However, there is a whole lot of room for improvement regarding your writing. I have already told you in a message about the problem capitalization of most of the words and as I said it's a hard to break a habit. And I appreciate you cleaning up your gladiator's profile after I mentioned it~still you missed a few places to fix, but a few read overs can fix that~

Another problem you seem to have in writing is using a full stop. Really, I have only seen at least one occasion that you used it. It's fine not to use it for the abilities sections and sections that requires just dot points but for the story and demo section you cannot do that. It makes it hard to read and confusing. Please use full stops because it really helps in pacing the story and making sure it is readable, just using commas is not enough. It helps out to read it out loud. Periods help in giving a place for you to pause and take a breath, or make sure you separate different things from one another~

Another big thing is the unnecessary point outs. What I mean by that is for things things in your story like how Proton wakes up as a 14 year-old, and you quickly explain that he's been in the lab for 14 years. I don't know, it just doesn't sit right with me. It just feels like you're treating the reader like they didn't know what was exactly happening, and that they can't put 2 and 2 together. You could've just written that he woke up 14 years later and it would've been the same thing~

You also have things that sort of unnecessary facts about things in the story that sort of takes away focus, like the one in brackets and you say that he knew the statement because he wad a gamer. Now that's an interesting fact and all, but really you didn't have to add that cause it doesn't add anything to the story, it just wrecks focus~That also counts the fourth wall break in the demo. It makes it interesting but it's not needed, or it feels rather out-of-place to me~

Besides those things I've noticed, he looks great~though it's clear that you'll need a lot more practice, which is fine because that's why you're here~it's your choice whether you listen to me or not~

Anyways, good luck in your future battles~
*give you a cookie*
o w o

Thanks for the helpful advice,i realize that i have miles to go and lots of things to learn
and i'll fix some of the things you pointed out.

Good to hear~I hope I didn't sound harsh and such~

Anyways, good writing skills come with time~you'll get better with time, practice, observation and experimentation~

Again~good luck~
o w o

Mmmmmm...Okay.

I like the idea behind him (Like a lot. Offensive proton particles? SWEET) , but the execution could have been done a bit better/neater.

First of all, what really irked me was the fact that you put pictures instead of worded descriptions for his appearance. I get that pictures are a great visual and all, but describing them physically helps all parties get a feel for what the character actually looks like. For instance, what color would you describe his hair as? Autumn orange? Dark tangerine? While my examples are a bit unorthodox, I hope I got my point across. People can play off those descriptions, and that means you as well, and give life to their writing.
(I hope that made as much sense as it did in my head...If not, PM me and I'll try to go more in depth!)

Second point : Your lack of punctuation. Which is what Acute was talking about when she mentioned the "full stops". In writing, the use of commas, periods, semicolons, etc., it's all important. Have you ever tried reading a short story without periods? Talk about taking your breath away! Commas, which you seem a little "trigger-happy" to use, only allow the reader a short pause, and then they have to hit the ground running immediately afterwards. And then there are sentences that don't have any punctuation at all, causing the reader to want to continue reading without taking a breath. Punctuation can also help set the mood. For instance : "Yes!" or "Why?" One conveys a feeling happiness, and the other gets the reader thinking. So remember to use proper punctuation; you never know what it can do for a good story!

The last big thing I want to point out is your use of the red lettering and breaking the fourth wall (as mentioned above by our lovely Acute <3). First off, don't EVER use red text when writing. It's been scientifically proven that red is one of the hardest colors to actually recognize. And by recognize, I don't mean that we can't see it, I just mean that it's harder for us to realize what we're looking at, especially when it comes to words and lettering. It might attract our attention, but we don't really "recognize" what it is. And it just gives some people headaches... (I.E.: Me)
Now onto the whole fourth wall thing. Usually when writing, you want the reader to focus solely on what is happening in your story. Now if you interrupt it with, say, the narrator speaking to the character, it just throws the whole story out of whack and can really hinder the story's flow. Avoid breaking the fourth wall; it'll just improve how people read your story.
(I totally get it if you break the fourth wall for comedic purposes in a funny piece of writing, though. That's completely understandable, as long as you don't break the flow)

-----

Now that those big three (four maybe?) points are out of the way, I'm just going to list a few other things that I saw that stood out (even if only a little bit) so that you can slowly work on them~

-In your demo, the events flew by too quickly. It switched scenes and/or changed flow too drastically and that can cause people to become bored, not understand it, or just completely lost.

-Your overuse of capitalization at some points was a bit irksome. Proofreading is essential for writing.

-You used Kirito's sword for the picture of the rapier? Bruh (This one just...I don't even know. I just wanted to point it out <3)

-Almost a little too precise when it came to describing the strengths and weaknesses IMO. Like, all the precise percentages. I think a more general description would have better suited that.

-----

Other than that, he seems like a pretty cool gladiator! I can't wait to see you put him to use in the lounge~

And don't hesitate to PM me if any of that didn't make sense or you just didn't understand it. I'd be happy to try and explain it better, and maybe a bit more in depth.

Cheers, mate~!

Quote from Chamel

Mmmmmm...Okay.

I like the idea behind him (Like a lot. Offensive proton particles? SWEET) , but the execution could have been done a bit better/neater.

First of all, what really irked me was the fact that you put pictures instead of worded descriptions for his appearance. I get that pictures are a great visual and all, but describing them physically helps all parties get a feel for what the character actually looks like. For instance, what color would you describe his hair as? Autumn orange? Dark tangerine? While my examples are a bit unorthodox, I hope I got my point across. People can play off those descriptions, and that means you as well, and give life to their writing.
(I hope that made as much sense as it did in my head...If not, PM me and I'll try to go more in depth!)

Second point : Your lack of punctuation. Which is what Acute was talking about when she mentioned the "full stops". In writing, the use of commas, periods, semicolons, etc., it's all important. Have you ever tried reading a short story without periods? Talk about taking your breath away! Commas, which you seem a little "trigger-happy" to use, only allow the reader a short pause, and then they have to hit the ground running immediately afterwards. And then there are sentences that don't have any punctuation at all, causing the reader to want to continue reading without taking a breath. Punctuation can also help set the mood. For instance : "Yes!" or "Why?" One conveys a feeling happiness, and the other gets the reader thinking. So remember to use proper punctuation; you never know what it can do for a good story!

The last big thing I want to point out is your use of the red lettering and breaking the fourth wall (as mentioned above by our lovely Acute <3). First off, don't EVER use red text when writing. It's been scientifically proven that red is one of the hardest colors to actually recognize. And by recognize, I don't mean that we can't see it, I just mean that it's harder for us to realize what we're looking at, especially when it comes to words and lettering. It might attract our attention, but we don't really "recognize" what it is. And it just gives some people headaches... (I.E.: Me)
Now onto the whole fourth wall thing. Usually when writing, you want the reader to focus solely on what is happening in your story. Now if you interrupt it with, say, the narrator speaking to the character, it just throws the whole story out of whack and can really hinder the story's flow. Avoid breaking the fourth wall; it'll just improve how people read your story.
(I totally get it if you break the fourth wall for comedic purposes in a funny piece of writing, though. That's completely understandable, as long as you don't break the flow)

-----

Now that those big three (four maybe?) points are out of the way, I'm just going to list a few other things that I saw that stood out (even if only a little bit) so that you can slowly work on them~

-In your demo, the events flew by too quickly. It switched scenes and/or changed flow too drastically and that can cause people to become bored, not understand it, or just completely lost.

-Your overuse of capitalization at some points was a bit irksome. Proofreading is essential for writing.

-You used Kirito's sword for the picture of the rapier? Bruh (This one just...I don't even know. I just wanted to point it out <3)

-Almost a little too precise when it came to describing the strengths and weaknesses IMO. Like, all the precise percentages. I think a more general description would have better suited that.

-----

Other than that, he seems like a pretty cool gladiator! I can't wait to see you put him to use in the lounge~

And don't hesitate to PM me if any of that didn't make sense or you just didn't understand it. I'd be happy to try and explain it better, and maybe a bit more in depth.

Cheers, mate~!

I know the demo needs work,and to be honest i sort of made it in a rush,my bad tho I'm working on another one and taking my time with it.

as for Kirito's sword,to be honest i like Kirito's sword from the first season "The Elucidator" much more than i like Kirito himself,(ironic isn't it)

also at first he used a Ruler that was as sharp and big as a one handed sword,but after re-looking that fact over and over,i just wasn't that into it anymore.

as for the color,I've fixed the post,there's no more colors

but as for my Punctuation,i admit I've had a problem with that for a while(couple of years now) i guess I'm a bit off my 'game' anyways,i'll keep trying to improve it.

UPDATE:

Updated demo with punctuation (i know how silly that sounds).

EDIT: sorry for the double post,its an update tho,i thought its better being posted alone in a reply.

OK. REAL TALK!

Since the Mighty Cham already hit you with the pure CnC, I will expand on the character's features:

First of all it's very sweet that its based on polarity (SCIENCE, BITCH!). But you kind of generalized one of my favorite physics arguments, which is Polarity. So I hate to be nit-picky here, but there are some flaws in the use.

The fact that he can deflect attacks by negatively polarizing his arms and feet is correct, due to the polar discrepancy between two bodies (Ex. if Proton charges with 200 electrons, and collides with a 40 neutron based object, they will repel each other thanks to the 240 to 40 polar difference). BUT not all bodies are charged with partial or equal polarities. Some of them are majorly charged with electrons, but they can be with protons as well. So what happens if you fight a proton charged opponent? You'll give him free hits. But so will he.
So I suggest a bit more description there.


Secondly, the calculation thing feels a bit too overpowered. One does not simply dodge a first hand attack (*insert Boromir meme here*). What I'm trying to say is that Proton couldn't possibly anticipate perfectly the first attack. I believe he will analyze first the set of moves, them move accordingly to dodge the attacks. Kinda like a good Dark Souls player.

Lastly, if you have awesome hand-to-hand, having good hand-eye coordination doesn't really fit in the context there. Because you need to anticipate the blow and react to it. Eyes can be deceiving, my friend.


All and all very interesting character, which I challenge for a battle. Cheers lad.

Quote from DelorMaximus

OK. REAL TALK!

Since the Mighty Cham already hit you with the pure CnC, I will expand on the character's features:

First of all it's very sweet that its based on polarity (SCIENCE, BITCH!). But you kind of generalized one of my favorite physics arguments, which is Polarity. So I hate to be nit-picky here, but there are some flaws in the use.

The fact that he can deflect attacks by negatively polarizing his arms and feet is correct, due to the polar discrepancy between two bodies (Ex. if Proton charges with 200 electrons, and collides with a 40 neutron based object, they will repel each other thanks to the 240 to 40 polar difference). BUT not all bodies are charged with partial or equal polarities. Some of them are majorly charged with electrons, but they can be with protons as well. So what happens if you fight a proton charged opponent? You'll give him free hits. But so will he.
So I suggest a bit more description there.


Secondly, the calculation thing feels a bit too overpowered. One does not simply dodge a first hand attack (*insert Boromir meme here*). What I'm trying to say is that Proton couldn't possibly anticipate perfectly the first attack. I believe he will analyze first the set of moves, them move accordingly to dodge the attacks. Kinda like a good Dark Souls player.

Lastly, if you have awesome hand-to-hand, having good hand-eye coordination doesn't really fit in the context there. Because you need to anticipate the blow and react to it. Eyes can be deceiving, my friend.


All and all very interesting character, which I challenge for a battle. Cheers lad.

For your first comment about the Polarity, I stated in the post that he can manipulate atoms not just electrons,so there's no problem there.

For your second comment about the calculation, I fixed that or so I hope, up in the post, it's been updated

For your third comment about the hand-eye coordination, fixed that too, up in the post.

As for your challenge, sadly I decline currently I'm a bit busy and I've updated that in the post as well.

The sword reminds me of Kirito's Elucidator

Quote from Ares

The sword reminds me of Kirito's Elucidator

Of course it does... it's based on Kirito's Elucidator, I already said that.

I'm here to give some 2 cents, but it seems like Chamel, acute and Delor had already done that, and in a manner of which I can never achieve. Follow their advice, and you'll be good. If there's anything I might add, maybe spacing after a coma. It just looks more organized that way.

Sorry for stealing the spotlight Ai ;)

well, SOMEONE was certainly bored in science class today

Quote from Hewitt

well, SOMEONE was certainly bored in science class today

XD you could say that..