My Fantasy Story.

Started by: Sadko | Replies: 1 | Views: 574

Sadko
2

Posts: 2,088
Joined: Mar 2012
Rep: 10

View Profile
Oct 6, 2014 10:04 AM #1250466
Cycle of The Fish

Company of Wizards.


Prologue



Waves crashed against the rocks, the strong pillars standing vigilant, shaped like giant men, destined to forever hold the city above them. They could see their bare, marble torsos, their handsome white muscles, their distraught faces. And yet, above them was a much more welcome view, something not so tragic, surely not as absurd. A colossal city towered above the sea. Thick, light blue walls brutally weighed down on the pillars, and fearsome faces jutted out of them. Gargoyles, chimeras, demons, and devils, they were. Malicious mouths, hideous eyes, and yet they seemed beautiful – the amount of detail and effort put into the sculptures was meticulous, remarkable. No one would be rapt to hear it was carved out by magic. The towers looked like marvellous turquoise knives and the windows seemed to look like strange, exotic runes. Monk Gillus was dumbstruck. 'Why is the portcullis way up at the walls?' Abbot Lycapiere smiled for a moment.

‘Levitating magic, child. My grandfather had casted the spell at the behest of the Prince, many years afore.’
Gillus didn’t know which Prince was that, but did realise of a sudden that this was an extremely strong fortress, not just a glorious home for the merchant princes. He took a look around. The mast creaked and the people around him stood silent, gazing at the heavenly beauty and intently listening at the soft sounds of the sea, at times speaking to each other, but nonetheless quiet. A few of his friends talked to some of the other Abbots hailing from different monasteries from different lands, some dressed plainly, in woolen white or gray robes, but other had worn fancy garments in screaming colors, peculiar jewelry and tattoos.

Several other ships trailed behind them, one with pretty pink sails, another with its’ sails colored an intimidating dark crimson. Finally, the caravels stopped. What happened after was a sight to behold. ‘Whale Harbor greets you’ the words echoed in a strong voice, too powerful to be human. Lycapiere shrewdly inspected Gillus for a moment, his hazel eyes smiling. ‘All an illusion, Gillus. The walls are, in fact, gray and boring, the wonders unreal. But the illusion is a masterpiece, and it was made by us, Gillus. By the mages.’ Gillus was thinking that as well, and the Abbot confirmed, it was an illusion, but it was truly a masterpiece. The portcullis glistened in the afternoon sun, encrusted with jewels and gems, rubies and emeralds. It slowly lowered and lowered and stopped, opening. Gillus thought it was whispering something, as if it was alive.

There were no docks outside the walls, he noticed. It was an extremely strange port. Then, suddenly there was a thud and the ship began to rise, in a very unnatural manner, at that. They found themselves towering above the sea, the gate analogous to an open mouth, and the ship parallel to a tasty treat. Looking overboard; he noticed a gargantuan stake rising from the sea, holding their ship as if on a palm of some mighty sea god. Lycapiere cocked his head, laughing as some of the younger students yelled from the revelation, as were the other Abbots. It wasn’t the end of shocking discoveries. In an instant, the support began to tilt forward, and Gillus stumbled, but was caught by Lycapiere. Their ship descended off the platform and its’ crew found themselves floating inside a tunnel. It turned insufferably dark. Gillus saw that they were looming closer to the end of the channel, and enjoyed the peace, the unruffled silence as they saw another gate open ahead. There was light yonder, and as they advanced, the sounds of the city grew louder. After a fortnight of sailing from their monastery, they arrived at Whale Harbor.

They glided alongside the stream, docking not far from a booming bazaar. Gillus set off with his meager belongings. Most were an novice’s manuscript, some candles, and a flask full of water. The rest he carried on his person: small leather sandals, gray woolen robes. Abbot Lycapiere was very glad to see the abstinence of material needs and worldly pleasures, and yet had given him a small pouch of thin golden coins; ‘Spend it with care.’
As soon as they were off, right into the busy street, they observed bizarre, colourful market stalls, odd men and women all speaking a language unknown to Gillus, and yet all that surrounded them felt fitting for such a peculiar port – and he, in his plain dress, seemed a stranger amongst them. Trying not to get lost from his group, they saw the other ships draw near. The youngster was slightly intrigued by those on the vessel with sails a murky hue of red. He was alarmed when he discovered they weren’t monks. A good number of them were older than him, bearing many a blemish, not on a holy healing mission, but with weapons of war. Spell swords and war mages. He felt negative, malevolent emotions exude from them, and came to think of them as incurable, bullish thugs. Their abbots were harsh men, and scolded them whenever they could.

‘I feel it too, Gillus, the quality of their essences. They’re using vicious magic weapons to hurt foes. They’re not wizards, they are fighters.’ The young monk averted his gaze to the last ship, with sails colored the softest tinge of pink. The ones inside emitted something strange, all of them straightforward, clever, and yet somehow. . . Gillus felt uncertain. ‘Who’s in the pink ship?’ Lycapiere chuckled, shaking his head. ‘They practice miscellaneous schools of magic, potion brewing, and enchantment. Say, they master knowledge by enchanting their brain, become strong through enchanting their muscles. It may seem petty,’ He stopped for a moment. ‘Look!’ one of the young monks exclaimed. Glancing to the right, Gillus gasped.
An immense stone man quietly, slowly treaded the street, grunting at the group of wizards. He carved an impressive figure, and Gillus couldn’t help but wonder if he was a younger relative of one of those he’d seen outside. And yet with his clumsy, slow movements, ragged breathing, it seemed that he was tired beyond time – alas, Gillus couldn’t read his emotions, for he was not fully sentient. It seemed a little strange, but he could swear he glimpsed a sulk on Abbot Lycapiere’s face. Is there reason to be upset? He thought. The Abbot had plenty of smile lines, and was always known to be jolly, and kind. And when Lycapiere did frown, something in Gillus would become upset too; The Abbot was a transmittable man, and his essence caught onto others, something he always noticed.

In next to no time, Lycapiere was chatting with the abbots from the other vessels, and soon he was walking in conjunction with those from the new ships. They strode through the wharf buildings, like an everlasting surge of miraculous life forms, acutely contrast to the emotions radiating from the city; mercantile thoughts of gain, a courtesan’s insincere love, a desire of gain. He had shielded himself against such, and found to understand what Lycapiere told about the ones from the pink ship. They do not live as mages, they only learn, and soon they become a thief, conjuring shadows and enchanting their fingers to dive into a pocket like a dolphin into the sea. They become merchants, orators, poets, bards, singers – All enchanting their tongues for the talk to flow like ale in a tavern. And sadly, at last, some may use all their powers, the revered knowledge of magic taught by Abbots, used to defend and protect, to become filthy harlots, charming and setting runes upon her, sending their clients into an otherworldly, pleasurable trance. He shuddered at the thought.

Lycapiere shook his head. ‘Things happen, but it may not be necessarily a thief or a harlot. They can become singers, sculptors, painters, even builders. Whale Harbor’s walls were built by many of them, the runes on tools and weapons, armor and shields, all conjured by them. They are the best, and they are the worst. They do not keep to a path of magic like us, or a path of sword like the war mages. They always do something else, in the middle.’ The Abbot looked at him, awaiting his response, narrowing his eyes, reading his atmosphere. ‘But it’s in the books. The middle is a treacherous trek up a dicey peak. Sooner or later, you fall.’ He spoke. The Abbot smiled, his aura unreadable for Gillus.


That was the first chapter of my fantasy story. Give me feedback, please. And there is more to come.
Hewitt

Posts: 14,256
Joined: Jul 2012
Rep: 10

View Profile
Oct 8, 2014 4:23 AM #1251317
Before the cnc: would it kill you to increase the font size? I feel like I'm reading tolkienian fanfiction enough as it is.

okay first the good. You use alot of big words. Rapt. Portcullis. Harlot. Insufferable. Dicey. And more or less they are used properly and not even spammy to the extent that I felt like you were using a thesaurus to write this thing. The world-building is okay, and pretty logical in presentation. Well, it got me a little interested, but something better happen soon. The last 2 points I will bring up later.

And btw, this is certainly a step-up from bashing someone's head with a television set. Almost makes me think that last bit was just satire.


next, the bad. Your piece is rife with grammaticals. Comma splices. Spelling errors. Don't be afraid to use periods. Sometimes, they drive the point home better. HUH HUH? GET IT? Because a POINT is a---oh never mind. Just proofread your grammar. I don't wanna get into it because that's rather mundane but I'll give you one example:

"A few of his friends talked to some of the other Abbots hailing from different monasteries from different lands, some dressed plainly, in woolen white or gray robes, but other had worn fancy garments in screaming colors, peculiar jewelry and tattoos."

You comma spliced 2 independent clauses to make it seem like 1 seamless sentence. If you read it as a sentence in itself it feels wrong.


now, the meat. I cannot say it is good or bad because I feel like this piece can still be polished. Reading this wasn't as much as a pain as it was...bumpy. I wanted to enjoy it. It certainly had this cinematic feel, but certain things made me stop and ponder "that just don't feel right" each time until by the end of it I was muddled by these tiny idiosyncrasies.

first, I'd like to bring up Gillus' character. We start strong where he ponders on how the portcullis is levitating on its own. That shows that he's bewildered by the capabilities of magic. Alright. So how is he able to not be bewildered by the fact that an entire town is masked with an Illusion spell? Even better, it appears he knows what it is and readily accepts as if he'd been a master of magic all along. But isn't he a monk? Just seems weird and inconsistent.

Next we have this empathic ability to detect people's standings. They appear handwaved, like for no reason he can just detect emotions like The Mentalist. If you can explain anything about that, it would be swell. He's a monk so, let's hear about what is he a monk of, and how he is even able to do something like this. Also, does being a master of empathy allow you to mask your own? Because I don't see why the abbot is giving Gillus absolutely no reading whatsoever. How does that even work. we can use a little backstory on the Abbot's interactions with Gillus and what kind of man he was and not just that he's supercryptic now because he's the Abbot.

Remember when I said the world building was okay? Well. It was okay. But you leave the scenery far too quick to be appreciated. Sometimes things just happen for no reason at all such as the huge thing that launched their ship into a tunnel headed for a town. Was that really necessary for a city attempting to hide itself in illusion? What would've happened if strangers sailed through it?

Other gripes I have include the portcullis adorned in bling (which just seems out of place for a city trying to be inconspicuous even if wrapped in illusion. Doesn't it also make the portcullis itself ineffective?), and the 'pink ship'. I'm sorry, you can give its inhabitants all the "we're a special kind of different" vibes in the world, but nothing you can say will ever make me take people from "the pink ship" seriously. Take a little time to describe it better because "the pink ship" feels super lazy. And its a fantasy novel right? You called the mercenaries spell swords and war mages. Give these pink people a name or moniker. Give them a place of origin. From the college of Winterherald or whatever you can come up with and then build on that. And while we're at it, what order is Gillus from and what what is the name of these Abbot's organizations? Your world has presented so much, but these tiny things make it incomplete still.

Finally. About the prologue itself. This better not be the whole thing because this is NOT a prologue. its a common misconception to always open with a prologue (or even need one) that establishes the setting and its characters doing rather unimportant (to the plot) things. Prologues are like hooks. If you can't grab the reader within the first paragraph, they're not going to read the whole thing. Get to the action. The point. The good stuff. Then put all that you've written as chapter 1 instead. That's my advice

***As much as I hate pointing to my own stuff, I haven't read anything else recently. So if you're looking for how to do a better prologue, check out the one on the first post of my thread in my sig