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The Returned

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Cassandra
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Oct 8, 2014 2:27 PM #1251520
Vamprina and Slinx are back!
Dark times have fallen upon Stickworld (is that getting old yet?), and Vamprina is the key to stopping the threat. But how would she extend help across the dimensions?

Note: These events happened before Spune fought Vamprina and Slinx for their gladiatorial position.

Also, I can't submit any more chapters until I get CnCs for the first one. Then I'll submit the next one, and it will get CnC, and then the next one...so on and so forth. :D

Spoiler (Click to Show)
plets hit multiple surfaces, generating all sorts of sounds. Aside from this musical chaos, little else could be heard. In the shadow of one of the largest pine trees in the forest, two dark figures huddled together for warmth.

They were both stick figures. One was female, named Vamprina. She was a bat-winged creature with large pointed ears, red eyes, and sharp talons for feet. Her hair was straight, and it hung around her face like a veil, except where the bangs grew just across her forehead. Unseen at first, her dominant weapons were her fangs, which lay hidden within her lipless mouth. Next to her sat the male creature, Slinx. He had three short crests of diminishing size on the back of his head, red eyes such as hers, and sharply clawed hands. His teeth were sharp but his fangs were less pronounced. He had no ears or hair, for his main distinguishing feature was his eight-linked chain tail, which sported a scorpion stinger on its end.

Slinx and Vamprina belonged were part of a warrior system on this world. It was called Stickpage Planet, or SP for short. Challengers came from all over the universe, and once here, they would fight each other to see who would win. It was simple but deadly. Those who didn’t come out on top usually ended up dead. A warrior could fight here for years. Vamprina had participated in only three official battles here. One fight was with a human called Digkid. He had earth-based powers and liked moles a lot. The two other fights were with a crazed human magician called Abra. He was funny, but liked killing things for pleasure, which was kind of strange. The competition here was great fun for Vamprina, but she missed her home planet, Stickworld, and her brother who lived on it.

SP had a few cities aside from its forests. One large main city, named Stickpage City, was found quite far from them. The closest urban chunk to Vamprina and Slinx’s forested territory was Cansad City. This city was special, because it contained a certain band of warriors in its outskirts that Vamprina was a part of. If needed, they would fight all together. Their leader was a human called Aiba Kannagi. He had air-based powers and owned a special katana.

Slinx and Vamprina were not married, and the assassin had no plans to wed. However, her male combat partner was trying to press for it, but no matter how lightly he did, she would not listen. Unknown to him, she did not want it because she had no time. She had other things to do. They were combat allies. Gladiators. Such a thing as having children would be an extra responsibility that was just too time-consuming. Their fresh hatchlings would be too young, and peril would find them at too early an age.

Slinx liked the idea that Vamprina’s body was touching his, but if she was unwilling, the special process would not commence. She was just doing it because she was cold, undoubtedly. He looked at her, and watched the raindrops trace their way down her skin and hair. She was facing away from him, but she sensed his gaze. One ear flicked backwards in his direction, and he slowly looked away as she turned her head. Vamprina’s body didn’t move, but she just hissed a little warning his way before turning away again.

Slinx slowly returned his gaze to her, intent on watching the raindrops again, and then he spotted an ugly looking insect on her ear. He reached to smack it away, but her hand smashed onto it first. Vamprina turned towards him again, her claw dripping with insectoid fragments and liquefied innards. Slinx just stared, and allowed her to smear the bug’s remains all over his face. She would like him sometime. She had to.

Slinx left the bug on his face and began to watch the rain fall on a nearby plant instead. He blinked some insect leftovers into one of his eyes, and he snarled, rubbing at the substances. Suddenly he stopped. Looking at the remains of the bug, he began to pick tiny bits of the plants in front of him. He mashed the herb and bug mixture into a sort of paste, added a fungus bit, and waited a little. Then he blew on the mix, causing it to fizz a tiny bit, and then he began to rub the paste back and forth with tremendous speed. The substance heated up, and all of a sudden, it created an electrical charge that burst outwards, scorching the wet earth at his feet. Because of all the moisture, the energy couldn’t set anything aflame, but it had the potential.

Slinx turned away, smiling a little, and noticed Vamprina had been watching him intently. He opened his mouth to speak, but she broke the sound barrier first.

“Slinx…can’t you ever find something that you can’t mix to make an explosion with?”

She ended with a little laugh, and Slinx suddenly felt embarrassed.

“It wasn’t exactly an explosion…” he said, squirming a little. “Just a little electricity…that’s all.”

When he said the word ‘electricity’, Vamprina’s face suddenly changed. She looked away from him again, all mild amusement vanishing. Slinx was confused. What did her actions mean? Why didn’t she like electricity?

Electricity was a beautiful element. It was so unpredictable, and could do so many things. It could scorch, melt, and give objects and creatures different polarizations. It could even boost a warrior’s power, if used correctly. It could also disable things, which was extremely fun to do. You could even hover with it! Slinx had never been able to get that right though, for it was very difficult to find the right balance.

“Vamprina?” he asked.

She turned to him, the pain obvious in her eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Slinx continued. “Why don’t you like electricity?”

Vamprina’s eyes narrowed and she looked like she was on the verge of exploding. Tension filled the air, and Slinx froze, trying to keep himself from betraying his nervousness. For a few moments, he sensed Vamprina's heart quicken, and then relax. When she turned to him, he could almost see the pain radiating off her.

“Volt.”

What was that? A name? A place? A power?

“What about it?” Slinx hissed, frowning slightly.

“That was the name of my first combat ally. Before you came, he was all that mattered to me.”

Slinx tried to quell the disappointment he felt within. She had already been in love. Where was the hope for him now?

“Oh.” was all he managed to say.

Vamprina narrowed her eyes at him, but continued.

“I don’t mean that I loved him or anything. He was a combat partner, but there was something very special about him that I didn’t get from anyone else.”

Slinx visibly relaxed. The two listened to the rain for a moment, and then Vamprina went on.

“He cared about me. I was never on Stickworld long enough to be loved by my own brother.”

Tears began easing their way out of Vamprina’s eyes, coming first from her left and then her right. Slinx got that strange feeling that he should comfort her again. He reached around her shoulders, hesitantly at first, and then rested his arm. Vamprina stiffened slightly under his touch, but remained tolerant. Then, slowly, she began to lean against Slinx. The chemical bender was surprised, and began to lean too, but then suddenly Vamprina straightened up and away from him, assuming her normal position.

There was silence for a short while, and then Slinx turned back to Vamprina.

“What happened to him?” he asked, careful to keep his voice gentle. “To Volt?”

Vamprina hung her head, and the rain ran like a waterfall off her head. Her body began to shiver with sobs, even though she was trying to stop them. Slinx kept his hands away from her this time, and watched carefully.

“He died.” the assassin whispered.

With that, she wrapped her wings tightly around her body and turned away from him.

The chemical bender scrunched his shoulders high about the sides of his neck and head, shivering under his own layer of moisture. Why did this rain not let up? Sooner or later he’d probably go mad and make a tree blow up or something. He couldn’t lose it in front of…her. Slinx looked at Vamprina again, hoping she’d do that leaning thing again. But it didn’t look like she was going to move for a while, so he just sighed and tried to sleep.

Trying to sleep in the rain was terrible. After a while, Slinx’s eyes snapped open. He looked up at the sky, ready to do something he was going to truly regret, and that’s when he saw the branches. His mind buzzed with activity, but not the chemical composing kind. He leaped into the tree and began to work.

Vamprina had her eyes shut throughout the time after she’d told him about Volt. Her eyes remained closed, but one ear began to rise in his direction.

“What are you doing?” she snarled, slightly irritated.

The twig snapping chorus continued above the assassin’s head. Amazingly, no branch bits or needles fell on her head. Finally she looked up full into Slinx’s face. He was using his energy to catch the debris so that it didn’t fall all over her. Vamprina’s eyes narrowed.

“I said… ‘What are you doing?’” she repeated.

Slinx yanked on a few more branches. “I’m making a shade to stop the rain from falling on us.” he replied.

“You are?” Vamprina queried. She smiled a little. “Well, hurry up. I’m getting cold down here.”

“Alright.” Slinx answered. He made some adjustments, and then he returned to the ground.

Vamprina looked up at the shade. It was pretty good, for being made out of branches. The Dark female began to settle down, but then she noticed that only she was dry. Slinx had obviously mistakenly said the word “us”. He was sleeping with his tail curled around his body like a feline, in the pounding rain. Pity filled the assassin. It didn’t matter what he’d done in the past. All of that was over now. She looked up at the shade. Maybe…she could extend it a little. It took a lot of work, but after a lot of hissing and biting branches into the proper positions, Vamprina was finished.

Then she chose the strongest and nearest branch beneath the shade, and dug her talons into it. There she hung for the rest of the night, her ears the only ones that stayed awake until the morning hours.
[/spoiler]

Spoiler (Click to Show)
ked above him. The rain had calmed down to a slight drizzle, but how come he couldn’t feel it? His answer stared him in the face. Vamprina had extended the shade. So she cared too? She wasn’t entirely cold at all. He was sure this Volt creature had softened her core very well. Sure she had a rather tough exterior, but if he could just get to the softer part of it, everything would turn out alright. Vamprina spoke of Volt like he was the best thing in the world, but she was also greatly saddened by the memories.

It was a tough thing to lose a friend as close as he might have been. But Volt had been very young, and not of marrying age. Vamprina had known it was wrong to court him and even worse to try the bonding thingy. Slinx had seen others do it, but he’d never been able to love anyone like this before. Vamprina was so likable for some odd reason. She could have killed him when he was trapped in that rock. And yet, she’d spared his life. Not very assassin-like, but because of that he could see that she wasn’t as frozen as she seemed.

He looked over where she had lain, and found that she was hanging upside down over it. Slinx stared for a while. Maybe she was hungry. He’d gather some darkness from the shadows somewhere. Maybe he’d find a cave of some type. Getting up, Slinx vanished into the sodden wood.

Vamprina woke. Slinx had gone. Great. Now that she’d opened up to him, he’d either leave since he thought she was weak, or get some comforting gift…like a bundle of flowers or something. The assassin’s ears flattened a little. A pinpoint of light drifted past her. An insect. It was one of those torch beetles that had yellowish light trapped inside it. She watched for a second, letting her mind wander. Slowly, her ears began to prick into their natural positions again.

“How did I manage to swap elements?” Vamprina thought aloud.

There was no one to answer her question. A young doe looked up at her from far across the clearing, flicked one ear, and leaped away. Vamprina stood motionless for a while, deep in thought. She lifted her left hand slowly, and began to wring the moisture out of her hair with it. There had to be an answer. Even so, it was kind of an impossible question. She couldn’t swap her Dark element with a Light element just like that. There had to be someone or something else with the Light element. Sasha didn’t have it, and Slinx was Dark. To have both Dark and Light in the same body was…was…

“Impossible.” Vamprina whispered to the rain.

She was the sister of the Chosen One. Did that have something to do with it? Vamprina looked at the wet ground beneath her talons. As if acting on a fleeting thought, she began to draw on the dirt. Her claws dug deep, circling tirelessly. Finally the assassin stopped, and looked at her work with a critical eye. She’d drawn another caster’s circle. Unlike others, she could not just generate one naturally, since this one had only Light symbols in it. She would never be able to do it all on her own. Dark energy couldn’t just suddenly create Light energy from itself. That just wouldn’t work.

This Light circle would determine if she could swap again by herself. If she could generate Light energy without dying, it would show her that Light could fully exist in a pure Dark Stick. The assassin bit her lip. She was experimenting with her own energy. The thought made sweat appear on her forehead. Vamprina closed her eyes tight and began to hum, forcing negative thoughts from her mind.

The circle lit up, and the rain stopped as if it had been switched off. There were four compass arrows on this circle, and as Vamprina stood in its center, the arrows switched places. The outermost circle froze, and the inner circles began to rotate. The assassin took deep breaths, but the rest of her body stayed rigid. The solar symbols began to glow, firing beams of pure Light far into the sky. For a few moments, nothing happened.

Suddenly Vamprina’s eyes shot open, flaming with light blue color, and she fell to one knee, crying out in pain. Her talons dug into the dirt, and her wings twitched for each spike of agony she felt. The circles reversed their rotations, and one symbol shattered, causing shards of light to bounce everywhere. Vamprina gasped, and where each shard fell, a small flame sprang up. The energy reached for her, but her Dark side was stopping it from getting in. The assassin shrieked in pained anger, and all of a sudden soft wings wrapped around her shoulders.

The flames calmed, and the circles began turning in the proper direction. Vamprina rose to her feet, recovered, and looked up at her savior. Valkyrie stared down at her, smiling a little.

“You can do it Vamprina. You just aren’t letting it take over.”

“Where have you been for all this time?” Vamprina managed.

“Things are getting kind of messy back home.”

Vamprina’s eyes narrowed. Focus broken, the circle faded out of existence. Not a mark remained, and Vamprina fell to her hands and knees. One e
Crank
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Oct 13, 2014 11:19 AM #1254307
Lookin' solid Cassandra!

Powerful emotions are always tricky, but before I get to that you might want to be careful about adding in too much unnecessary information. I mean, I'm all for setting the scene, but if your reader has to follow too many trains of thought they're going to start getting confused and expecting things to come up later in the piece.

Long Example (Click to Show)


Also, that "Slinx liked the idea that" sentence. That has nothing to do with his ability, right?

Back with emotions though, they're always a work in progress so don't feel bad, but when you have a character going transitioning from massive ones, don't be afraid to highlight their mindset. I think you did a really good job showcasing the mood in a lot of places, but if you don't go into when it's changing, it just seems sudden, kinda like the character's a little mentally unstable. Additionally, in times like this, silence can be just as powerful as sound. You don't always have to skip to the next line of dialogue.

Vamprina’s eyes narrowed and she looked like she was on the verge of exploding. Finally she answered, but her voice was both sad and sharp at the same time.

Vamprina’s eyes narrowed and she looked like she was on the verge of exploding. The relaxation in her posture had perished and the air felt thick with intensity as he knuckles shook to contain a building rage. Her blood was boiling, and as Slinx shifted in discomfort her mouth cracked open, only for her to bite back down on upon finding the need of another moment. Shutting her eyes and forcing a deep inhale, she finally answered, but her voice was both sad and sharp at the same time.

I guess internal battles are similar to physical ones in a way. When the tide shifts and changes, make sure you're showing why.

Again though, I thought this was very good! Keep it up!
Cassandra
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Oct 13, 2014 10:58 PM #1254575
Thank you so much! I'll try to adjust the text to fit your CnCs.
Crank
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Oct 15, 2014 2:42 AM #1255443
You're very welcome! I always appreciate appreciation!

Next chapter looks nice! I think you had a lot of good information in it, but one thing to keep in mind is that even if you did use a character before if it's been a while your reader might need a bit of a refresher. Suddenness feels odd to a reader, especially when the throw off isn't matched by the character it's revolving around.

The assassin shrieked in pained anger, and all of a sudden soft wings wrapped around her shoulders.

The flames calmed, and the circles began turning in the proper direction. Vamprina rose to her feet, recovered, and looked up at her savior. Valkyrie stared down at her, smiling a little.


The assassin shrieked in pained anger, and all of a sudden soft wings wrapped around her shoulders. Although coming without warning, there was a certain familiarity she could find comfort in.

The flames calmed, and the circles began turning in the proper direction. Vamprina rose to her feet, recovered, and looked up at her savior. Valkyrie stared down at her, smiling a little at her sibling.


It doesn't always have to be a huge intro and breakdown immediately, just enough so you don't lose your leader for a bit.

Same type of things for big ideas.

“Well…” Valkyrie said slowly, “…the Phantex are gone.”

Vamprina stiffened a little. “Where did they go?”


“Well…” Valkyrie said slowly, “…the Phantex are gone.”

Slinx's mutants? Vamprina stiffened a little. “Where did they go?”


I think that's what they were? Again, sometimes you just need to refresh some things.

The last think kinda goes in line with that. If you're going to have a handful of important things or topics in a story, watch out for them just dropping out. Slinx's departure, the failed element change, what's happening in Stickworld and the missing Phantex where all discussed, but the failed change and the events of Stickworld by leading into Phantex where the only ones that felt properly closed. Phantex itself was left out and Slinx's absence weren't brought back up. When this type of thing happens they almost feel forgotten. Even if all the issues aren't resolved it helps a lot to keep them acknowledged.

The tweaks to Chapter 1 look good by the way!

Anyway, it's still going really smoothly, keep it up!
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Oct 15, 2014 6:27 AM #1255528
I personally dont think the 1 cnc per chapter model will get you very far. It feels like you're deliberately calling attention to yourself by forcing us to dissect your piece through analysis. I would feel so much better if you actually built it up and tried to write out your story as one consistent draft, then let us jump in anytime
Cassandra
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Oct 16, 2014 7:00 PM #1256305
Okay then! I'll submit everything I have on this so far, and let you guys figure the rest out!
The only reason why I wanted to have each of the chapters CNC'd was because I wanted to be able to change things already without having to look over my entire work piece. It kind of made it easier to narrow down my thoughts, but I'll take your advice.

That is, after all, what I wanted. :)

You guys are awesome, by the way. I really appreciate your CNCs.
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