The two ex-clan mates clash finally. L.L Bust, the bounty hunter, armed with his caliber-morphing cannon and a myriad of ammunition is ready to go against Serena the Deathsinger, an ancient banshee who along with her beautiful voice, wields a sharp wakizashi.




Well hahaha, I fucked up big time lols, thankfully DelorMaximus came to the rescue and he posted the proper story below. Thankee and vote fairly.

I apologize for posting over Aquila, but I noticed that my piece is far from incomplete. He apparently failed to copy paste xD.
Down below there is my full entry

New Journey organization. Once thought to be a nice way to ignite some sort of relationships with the people she had to see every day, that idea slowly decayed. People were always minding their own business, and nobody was actually interested into interacting with each other. For the first period Serena had strange thoughts about this: she believed that they refused to interact with her due to her condition. She believed that they felt awkward about talking with her. But with time she understood that rejection wasn’t the case. People just refused to talk to each other, and that fact made Serena regret her decision of joining that organization.

After the Worker’s Liberation incident, her mind was set. She wanted to leave. She was wasting her time. After giving the final salute to Lucario, she parted ways with the organization. Being now independent, expectations of new challenges and adventures were sky high. But that wasn’t the case: life was as boring as always. It felt like the whole gladiator system was in a sleeping mode or something. Not many fights were happening, and it looked like everybody was unwilling to challenge themselves and fight.

But that inactivity did not bother Serena. As much as she wanted some action to shake up the monotony, she also needed time to think. Recent events raised so many questions in her mind. And the main one was: who is Tanya? Subject 14, also known as Tanya, is a woman that Serena met during the Worker’s Liberation incident. She appeared seemingly out of nowhere, and during that adventure she managed to break down Serena. Even if it wasn’t a purely natural thing, Serena felt fascinated about this young woman. She touched buttons of her personality that no one has ever dared to. It left the banshee charmed by this strong, dominant woman.

Serena spent most of her time trying to get in contact with her again. To get some sort of information from her. To break under her shell of mystery. But to no avail. No matter how many times she tried, Tanya did not answer her calls.

After a while Serena started questioning her motives. Why was she trying to get in contact with that woman? What was driving her to seek her attention?
But those questions quickly faded into the darkness. Not too long ago, during a scouting patrol in the city, Serena overheard some gladiators talking. The topic of the discussion instantly caught her attention: apparently, a certain gladiator named L.L Bust was looking for her. They did not specify his motives, but she heard them say that he is a member of the New Journey. According to them, the leader of New Journey started recruiting new members as the older members became inactive. That’s something Serena knew nothing about.

For the last week Serena spent time into the archives of the city, trying to gather as much information possible on this guy. She learned that his main profession is that of the bounty hunter. That made Serena smile on the moment, as she remembered all the times that she had to deal with bounty hunters in the past. It took her a moment to make a theory about this bounty hunter: he must had heard in the past about her bounty, and joined the gladiator system in order to catch her. As his efforts did not pay off, he took a step further, joining the New Journey organization to approach her. But as she left, he lost all the clues that he had on her, so now he decided to drop the façade and engage in direct combat.

As crazy as this theory sounded, it made a whole lot of sense to Serena. The price on her head is definitely conspicuous, and there are no limits for a person filled with determination.

The archives also gave Serena information about his fighting style: he strongly relies on some sort of cannon, that he calls the Blunderbuss. It’s some sort of special cannon that shoots multiple types of rounds. According to the archived data, that is his main way of fighting, and he’s very proficient with it as well. But besides his weapon, he doesn’t really have any other sort of defenses. Something that could easily play to Serena’s advantage.

As the week came to an end, Serena had gathered all the information needed on the opponent. All that was left now was try and draw him out. Thanks to the previous experiences that Serena had with bounty hunters, she had a vague idea on how they pick targets and how they execute them. If Mister Bust was a respectable bounty hunter, he would have probably been spying on her that whole time. All she needed now was a way of forcing him to come face to face.

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A cold breeze was blowing in Serena’s face. Embraced by the delicate flow, her hair gently followed the wind. Her eyes darted around, attempting to pick up every single movement, even the smallest one. Her fists were clenched, in attendance for the showdown that was about to happen. The banshee was more than sure that her plan succeeded.

During the past days she forced herself into doing the same things over and over again: go out at the same hour, go in the same places and follow the same roads. Everything hinted towards L.L following every single movement that she made. She was sure that he would have fallen into her trap.

The banshee managed to make it blatantly obvious: her routine consisted into going to the grocery store, walk around the RHG headquarters and standing at home. All of those actions were made in crowded areas or extremely controlled areas. Except for one of them: every day she would take a walk in the woods and practice into a small open space deep into the woods. Far from civilization. She expected that L.L would have came right to her, if her knowledge of bounty hunters was as good as she thought.

Serena felt a bit awkward. She was standing in the middle of the glade, waiting for something that could have never happened. Everything had a really magical feel: the leaves gently rolling around, blown by the wind; the trees softly waving back and forth, almost in unison. The sun shining over the whole scene, as its pale heat barely masked the stinging wind. The atmosphere was calm and pleasant.

As time passed, Serena’s confidence in her plan started shaking. An hour passed without any sign of the bounty hunter. Two hours. Three hours. And yet, he wasn’t there. But her determination was steelier. She knew that her plan was going to work. It had to work. But after hours of standing her legs slowly gave up on her. With a very clumsy movement, she dropped down on the cold grass. Serena slowly stretched out her legs, massaging the sore muscles in the meantime. She took a moment to relax. After taking a deep breath she laid down on the grass, right in the middle of the glade. The ground felt cold and uncomfortable, as the edges of the frozen grass were stinging her in the back through her leather armor. But she was tired, so she decided to ignore that fact. The banshee was forced to close her eyes, as the sunshine was annoying her sight. For a moment, everything got engulfed by silence: the wind stopped blowing, the leaves stopped rustling and the trees stopped moving. Even Serena’s breathing seemed to slow down in order to not disturb that peace. Out of nowhere, a small popping sound echoed into the glade. Serena’s eyes snapped wide open. She wanted to raise her head and look, but for some reason her instinct told her otherwise. Suddenly a fast breeze swooped past her face, bringing a soft whistling sound with it. An instant after the whistle the banshee overheard a couple of gentle thud noises coming from behind her. When she looked back she saw 6 small smoking holes. That’s when she realized: those were bullets.

The same popping sound echoed once again throughout the glade, but this time Serena knew what to expect. She quickly shifted her weight on the right, allowing her body to roll over the grass. In a matter of moments, more silent thuds resounded right behind her back. Those shots were definitely aimed at her.
With a very clumsy move, the banshee planted her knee into the ground, managing to spring herself onto her feet. A couple more shots got fired, all of them luckily missing, as they whistled behind her head. Her legs were still sore and her muscles were still hurting, but she had to move. Standing still was just making her a sitting duck. Instinctively her feet started moving her towards the forest. As she sprinted towards the trees, her ears picked up something that resembled a charging sound. But in the heat of the action, she decided to ignore that fact and keep running for the woods.

But out of nowhere, Serena spotted a small cylindrical object dart by her, heading towards the ground just in front of her. What followed was very chaotic: a sudden burst of light exploded in front of her. Her body blown away by an extremely strong shockwave, as her feet slowly lost contact with the grass beneath them. Everything appeared to be going in slow motion. She saw chunks of terrain fly right pass her. Dust raised everywhere by the explosion. The banshee took a quick glance at herself: her arms and legs were floating in mid air, almost motionless. Then she hit the ground, smacking her head violently onto the cold grass.

Dazed and confused, Serena slowly pulled herself up into a sitting position. She opened her eyes slowly, but her sight was blurred, so her lucidity was way below normal standards. However she still attempted to analyze her surroundings: the glade was still there. The trees were at the same place as before, and the cold, stingy grass felt a bit more vivid under her weight. She noticed two elements that were absent moments ago: a huge pillar of colorful flames and a figure. The second one appeared to be coming towards her.

As her sight slowly focused, she managed to get a glimpse of it. At first glance, it resembled something that Serena had seen a while back in one of the posters around the city; may have been her memory not being top notch or the recent knock on her head, but she was sure that it was called Iron Human or something around those lines. But the figure had a different look compared to that poster. It looked a lot more rugged and grotesque. It resembled a human being: the clothing was very casual and common. But as her eyes climbed towards its head, she started noticing pieces of metal and bandages pretty much everywhere. When her eyes finally arrived at his nut, she saw the whole cranium covered with bandages. Only the area around the left eye was diverse: there, instead of bandages, there was a small screen with a cross on it. On his right shoulder sat something that resembled a cannon. That’s when Serena’s mind suddenly came to realization. That figure was the man looking for her, L.L Bust.

<> His voice sounded like something out from a science fiction movie. It was rough and metallic, and it closely resembled a robot. To Serena’s ears it sounded like those noises that the people call dubstep.

Serena knew she had made a grave mistake: she let her guard down, and L.L exploited that fact, catching her by surprise. That was the end. The same charging noise from before echoed through the glade once again; she realized that his weapon was the origin of that sound. The banshee glanced at him. As his eye was locked onto her, his hand carefully took something out from his belt. It was a small bronze cylinder with two gray stripes. With a quick move he seemed to insert it somewhere within the cannon. She realized that he was about to give her the final blow. Serena couldn’t believe that it was about to end that way. She refused to accept that was the end.

While L.L was about to give her the killing shot, Serena’s mouth slowly opened, releasing a couple of docile, high pitched notes. The gentle song slowly flooded the glade, softly bouncing around trees that surrounded it, creating a gorgeous resonance. But those notes suddenly got interrupted by a loud chuckle.
<> L.L stated, as his cannon made a soft dinging noise. He stared at Serena intensively, slowly taking the aim. He wasn’t affected by the song.

Serena’s expression quickly changed. Her eyes frowned, as her face assumed a more angered and determined look. The notes created by her voice changed as well, going from a slow, high and gentle tone to a more low, punching and aggressive one.

The banshee noticed L.L’s finger slowly pull the trigger. She had to react. A quick violent note sprung from her vocal chords, aimed towards the bounty hunter. His finger quickly pulled the trigger. A loud bust echoed into the glade. Serena’s eyes rapidly closed in reaction to the shot. But moments later, as she slowly opened her eyes again, she realized that she was still there. Her attack was carefully aimed. And her target was L.L’s forearm. When the shockwave collided with him, it managed to move his sustain of the cannon, tipping it. Luckily it was enough to make the shot miss.

The two shared a moment of silence. They both tried to understand what had just happened. The bounty hunter was trying to comprehend how he missed a point blank shot; Serena was surprised that her tactic actually worked. Instinctively, the banshee threw the first retribution attack: another powerful note left her vocal chords, this time aimed directly at L.L’s chest. But her emotions interfered with her attack. The wave indeed connected with the hunter’s body, but it was weak, barely enough to make him flinch.

Serena was shocked, but not hopeless. She was determined to not give up, no matter what would have been the outcome of every single attack. With a surprisingly smooth move, she managed to roll away from L.L, gaining a couple of meters of distance. But the hunter managed to catch that movement; with a quick turn, he faced Serena again, ready to fire.

As the banshee popped on her feet, her eyes spotted the robotic man preparing a shot. She had to think quickly for a countermeasure, and her subconscious luckily had one ready. Without even her realizing, her voice switched to a higher pitch, quickly intonating a sequence of complex and divine notes. Out of thin air, something started materializing in front of her eyes. But as her song played, her ears heard the shot. Deep inside she hoped that whatever she did was good enough to save her.

Instants after the shot, one of the objects conjured by her voice shattered in front of her, raining onto her body small crystal dust. She was unscathed. As her eyes slowly focused on the objects summoned, she realized that they were octagonal crystals. She sang the Song of the Elders.

Despite Serena’s stand, L.L was persistent. His finger violently hammered onto the trigger, shooting a couple more projectiles towards Serena. To her, it felt like her mind and her body were acting separately: while her mind was in terror, her body was reacting on its own, throwing quick notes in the air and ordering the octagons to move in front of her, blocking the shots. She kept on going, repeating the same process for a total of three times. But something happened when she brought in front of her the last octagon conjured by the song. Her eyes were locked onto the crystalline surface of it. Suddenly, her sight focused through the transparent crystal, locking onto the bounty hunter. In that precise moment, her body and her mind synched. She had full control now, and she knew exactly what to do.

As the umpteen shot got fired, the banshee reacted. With a quick and fluid movement she spun on herself, moving to the side and barely dodging the bullets. She swore that she felt the heat of the pellets as they darted by her neck. She kept on going, spinning on herself, slowly moving more and more as every spin was completed. Bullets kept on flying by her, barely missing. She was literally dancing through them. Suddenly, Serena stopped spinning, planting her foot violently into the ground. Her lungs inflated with a

Well,

Aquila:
I found yours a bit lacking. I don't know why but they just fought and Serena simply went 'ok lets fight'. The fight itself was quick and at times most things were told and not shown. I know this mistake since I commit them myself :) but they happen only a few times and others just need a bit more description. For me, it felt as if they were just thrown into a battle and it didn't sit well with me but that's just my opinion on the matter.

DelorMaximus:
I liked how the battle went, the suspense of each part of the combat and the uncertainty between opponents. At points in the battle, I was sure that L.L. could have won then and there. To me, this felt more complete to the Aquila which is why this took my vote.

I'm not very sure but I noticed that the tenses were switching from past to present on both stories. Yeahp. That's all I can say.

Alright, I'll admit I've been procrastinating lately.

Both of you put up a good fight and it was a pleasure to read! That being said though, the two of you seemed to share a lot of the same problems so I'm just going to roll my CnC into one here.

Chronologically, Aquila, you're intro felt a bit terse to me. Just a little too stop and go for my taste. If it's not setting mood, I think it's always best to open with some flow.

L.L lit a cigarette and exhaled. The tendrils of smoke swirled around his head before dissipating to nothing. The clan was camped out for the night and he was taking first watch.

L.L lit a cigarette and exhaled, the tendrils of smoke swirled around his head before dissipating to nothing. The clan was camped out for the night and he was taking first watch.

It just feels like too definitive of a stop to have so close to each other so early on.

Next off, both of you had some repeated words going on, it didn't come up too often, but homer (because it's so much easier to spell) you seemed to reiterate a lot of stuff throughout. Like you'd establish something, and then you'd go back and say the same thing again. Once it's implied it's pretty much covered, saying it again makes it sound like you think your reader lacks intelligence.

But those notes suddenly got interrupted by a loud chuckle.
<> L.L stated, as his cannon made a soft dinging noise. He stared at Serena intensively, slowly taking the aim. He wasn’t affected by the song.

If something isn't phasing him, then it's clearly not affecting him. You honestly don't need that last part. This happened a few times throughout.

But those notes suddenly got interrupted by a loud chuckle.
<> L.L stated, as his cannon made a soft dinging noise. He stared at Serena intensively, slowly taking the aim.

Alright, so that example was kinda bad for the order of things, but next on the list is how your battles actually began. I don't really know, neither sounded too believable, even neglecting superpowers and being part cyborg and all that jazz.

L.L., so recently concerned with keeping watch abandons it to have a final fight with a quitting member and no other reason. Aquila, are you familiar with Hitchcock? I know, I keep going on about movies in stories, I suck. The reason I ask though, is because there was something he did often in his movies. He'd have something the he called a McGuffin, which was for the sole purpose of getting characters from point A to B. In Psycho for example, he uses the money to get What's-Her-Face to the Bates Motel, home of the world's most iconic shower scene ever. After that, the focus shifts. The money basically stops mattering. I think you could benefit from doing something like that, just giving people distinct reasons to go places and made choices, even if they do fade out.

Serena on the other hand has a massive elaborate plan to bait L.L., but when he doesn't show up for hours she just lays down in the open in the middle of nowhere, until L.L. had a massive Storm Trooper moment and completely whiffed a shotgun blast at an immobile. If she saw him coming it'd be one thing, or even if she moved a little bit, but this just made him come off as a massive non-threat.

These are the first impressions for your fights, they follow through and linger in the back of the mind throughout it all. Just make sure there are distinct reasons why everyone is doing what they are and you should be fine!

Next on the list is actual music. What does this mean to you guys?



To begin with the dots under the notes are called staccato, which is basically when they're extremely short, the little greater than signs are accents which start loud suddenly before dropping down and the elongated less than sign is a crescendo, which is when it gets gradually louder. I don't know, as someone who listens to a lot of music and played it all through school it felt odd that actual music elements were missing. It would give a much clearer image of what's occurring and give a stronger feel, considering this is all music based.

That being said, homer did go into more detail with it, but it'd greatly benefit you both if you did describe how it was melodic, chaotic soothing or however else. Hearing is a major sense, and when it's neglected it takes a lot away.

Lastly is your endings.

Aquila, I honestly don't know how to take your last line of dialogue, and it severely alters the tone of the ending depending on which way it goes.

“Oh shift’s over, better go wake up Light. Fun battle, good luck on your adventures alone.”

Between how terse this is and the fact that 'alone' specifically comes up is what really makes it unclear. Is he dismissing her like he's upset? Or is he genuinely wishing her luck? If something can easily go either way, you can always dive into mindset a little!

homer, I really don't understand what happened at the end of yours. In yours, L.L. was straight up hunting Selena, and it was made clear throughout that this was never a friendly competition. It ended with him falling from a height and not moving. Is he dead though? Or just unconscious? Either way, it just felt really felt odd that Serena would become so happy go lucky from the result. Her entire goal of the story was to bait and lure him for some reason that I forgot (was there a reason) and his was to kill her. Personally, to me it sounded more like he was unconscious, so I can't get past why Serena would just go to sleep by him. It's just stuck in my mind like a tack. If people have a clear defined motive for doing something, don't let that change without reason, it does a lot of damage to your work.

While you did ultimately have more description in your fight, between that, the storm-trooper moment and the bond villain moment (Where he basically stands in front of her for an extremely long time 'about to shoot' and does so only time) it just didn't quite feel authentic and drained the intensity for me.

In the end I'm giving this to Aquila.

Very well fought to the both of you!

So I'm a bit embarrassed that my response preceding my vote is going to be short and simple compared to my predecessors; even more so since this is the first vote I'm casting since my return. Hope that doesn't make my vote less valuable.

Aquila, your duel between acquaintances taken to extremes interested me. It was fairly straightforward, which is neither a good or bad thing really. It brought up the history between the characters but also showed their personalities, particularly Serena, who I wouldn't have guessed to be so ruthless to an old friend. However, this fight seemed...somewhat episodic, if you get me. It came out of relatively nowhere and ended without changing anything really, so it seemed less impactful. Still, it was short and sweet.

Delor, your chapter struck me not as an encounter but as a segment of a story. You really involved Serena's past and personality, showing how they affected her actions. Imagery and description were nice; I was able to picture this fight clearly. You managed to cast Bust as a vengeful, intimidating soldier, but nowhere near as intimidating as the banshee once she lost control. The way you handled the battle more than makes up for any tense issues and awkward phrasing.

After that, I think it's fairly clear who got my vote. Good work, both of you. As the first battle I've seen since returning, you've helped me remember what sort of quality I'm dealing with here.