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Reignite -- WRHG Development Story

Started by: Caelo | Replies: 3 | Views: 831

Caelo
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Nov 11, 2014 4:25 PM #1267705
So I decided to just do this on my spare time because I've got exams coming up this week and I need an outlet for the stress. So I came to the idea that I'd give Kodi a bit of storyline to deal with, and see if I can do anything interesting with her in the first place. Maybe I'll get her a power, maybe I'll get her a new weapon, I dunno just yet.

Either way, first chapter, go!

Chapter One - Aurora (Click to Show)
Chapter Two - Prey (Click to Show)
Chapter Three - Frozen Sleep (Click to Show)
Crank
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Nov 19, 2014 4:12 AM #1270775
Alright fellow 5-Letter-C-Writer, I’ve been meaning to do this!

First of all, I just want to say (because I somehow forgot to mention it on your gladiator profile) that you surprised me with how well you write out of the get go, and I give you massive props for that! Got a few quick things for ya though!

As far as just general flow is concerned, I think your main issue is a bit of an overuse of commas.

Kodi looked up from her notebook, yawning as the sun's beams caught her paper, her writing, and illuminated it in a marvelous glare, reflecting the very essence of a dying light. A dying star, even, though it would be many years yet that it would perish. And with it, the world would follow, not with a bang but with a whimper. A cruel, yet deserving fate for the species of man.

I’ll give you the one after ‘even’ as a typo, but after that it’s just a little too stop and go for my taste. As someone who drive about an hour and a half daily, it really isn’t a good feeling. I wanna get a little freeway between my parking lots, ya know? Same sort of thing applies here, if you hit that many speed bumps that quickly, your car’s getting jacked up. The way I see it, if the sentence is cohesive without the break and you can get through it in a breath, you’re fine without it. Does that make sense? I feel like I worded it weird.

Kodi looked up from her notebook, yawning as the sun's beams caught her paper and illuminated her words in a marvelous glare, reflecting the very essence of a dying light. A dying star: it would be many years, yet it would perish. And with it, the world would follow. Not with a bang but with a whimper. A cruel, yet deserving fate for the species of man.

As long as we’re there though, you may want to try to avoid having your narrator use cliches like that. Like, if a character’s saying it, you might be able to get away with it, but it feels like it drains credibility when it comes from the narrator.

Next up, while I do realize these are very short stories, don’t hesitate to dive into the details for the awe inspiring moments the characters experience. Try making your reader feel like they’re there with them, slow them down and show what makes them magic.

Shocking moments are similar. While I understand movies and games like to pull things like “Bam! Knife to the face!”, a lot of the horror that comes from that is the sudden rush of thoughts you experience in those brief seconds. So, all the “Oh no! A shiny, sharp metallic object is speeding at my windpipe and I’m too naked to drop this towel to defend myself! This is going to cause a largely significant amount of pain and bleeding!”. When the bear teleports or the thingy emerges, highlight what makes it horrifying and your reader will feel it was well.

Anyway, very nicely done!
Cassandra
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Nov 19, 2014 2:44 PM #1271056
Wow! This work is awesome! Keep up the good work!
Listen carefully to what Crank tells you. He's helped me a lot with my writing too.

Also, it may be helpful if you read your work to yourself out loud. Then you may notice where you have to breathe more often between words, or if you missed something that would make your sentences even more epic!
Caelo
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Jan 14, 2015 5:01 AM #1295079
Casual self-reminder to work on this tomorrow some more.
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