This is
sooooo overdue.
Anyway!
Vern:
[spoiler=]Alright, so opening up, great intro! I see Error already mentioned it, but characterization to me is my favorite part of the story. What makes people tick, why they're there and everything linking together. You did all that in the intro which I thought was great, but I can understand how it could be perceived as long. I don't exactly have advice for that because again, that was where I liked it and the line of who likes what is a tricky thread to tread.
But on to actual advice!
Have you heard the saying "If it bleeds, it dies" before? It's overused so it's no something I'd recommend, but the concept of it is that even a beast seems immortal, with that first drop you see that it isn't, and in turn that it
can be killed before it kills you. If I watched more horror movies I'd have a better example, but it'd be like stabbing Jason in the shoulder. As soon as you see that red, whatever you're fighting isn't invincible anymore and you get a rush of moral.
Vern opened the fight catching an arrow with his bare hands and then proceeded to dodge several more. To me, the one that grazes the back of his leg is a "It bleeds, it dies" moment, even though he's the protagonist here. Additionally, even though you touched on the results of the shot soon afterward, I want to feel, and feel that your reader should feel the first shot. It sets the pace for how intense the fight's about to be, and when you skip over that it feels like "John staggered after he got punched in the face." Staggering is good and all, but I
really want to see him
get punched in the face.
In his attempt to elude the arrows the warrior had tumbled over a loose piece of cardboard idling around in the alleyways, allowing one of the huntress’s arrows to pass through the flesh surrounding the back of his leg with ease.
In his attempt to elude the arrows the warrior had tumbled over a loose piece of cardboard idling around in the alleyways, and as his hands scraped against pavement he rolled on, steal glinted in the moonlight. Soaring true, the razor-edge of the projectile sliced the back of his calf, arrowhead turning red as a trail of crimson droplets followed it's trajectory before striking the ally like an isolated rain.
Like Error, I felt like there was something... off, with the dot-dot-dots (they will always be dot-dot-dots in my book). Predominantly, at least as far as I've seen, they're used for mocking, that uneasy feeling/suspicion, not knowing the word, or like, being depressed/disappointed.
"You remind me of your father... He was as weak as you are."
"Mike... What was that?"
"You know what you are? You're... Aw,
dammit! It's right on the tip of my tongue! You're a... An
asshole! There it is!"
"Jake called me an asshole today..."
I'm sure I'm missing a few, but it sounds like the word is getting dragged out, but also getting quieter. It's like when a band directer holds a note too damn long and everyone needs to breathe
super bad. It just doesn't sound distinct or powerful, so things like this:
“How’s this for ineffective projectiles, jerk…”
Oh no.. It isn’t broken, is it?
Kinda read like this:
“How’s this for ineffective projectiles,
jerk.”
Oh no. Kodi sighed.
It isn’t broken, is it?
It just doesn't have the emphasis that it needs, and reading it like that sounds a bit odd.
All in all though, great job! It was a close fight from both of you, and ya both kicked ass!
And also:
Also keep in mind I'm not native English.
Then
massive props.[/spoiler]
