Electroid vs Narkiss the neccesary evil

Started by: Spyrix | Replies: 32 | Views: 3,755

Spyrix

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Mar 5, 2015 6:50 PM #1320918
Start voting now voting ends on march 15th

spyrix's part (Click to Show)
Impious, part (Click to Show)
Crank
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Mar 5, 2015 6:57 PM #1320921
Just a little bit of an FYI, but typically people wait for both pieces to be ready before posting the poll as a common curtsey.

Glad to see the newcomers are going at it with each other though!
Spyrix

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Mar 6, 2015 1:28 AM #1321058
enjoy and actually read it if your gonna vote remember I can see beyond the computer maybe... ps its my birthday on the 7th and ill be on vacation on my birthday and march 8th also I would like to thank impious for challenging me so see you guys soon!
Impious
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Mar 6, 2015 1:49 AM #1321084
Please CnC after you read.
Ken_Rou
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Mar 6, 2015 3:06 AM #1321142
Good to see some new blood in the battles! I'll try to be specific about the mistakes that I think you guys did.
I haven't been able to see both of the character's bios, so bear with me on that.

For Spyrix (Click to Show)



For Impious (Click to Show)


There's a lot to improve on, but it was a good effort from the both of you. Hope you guys enjoyed writing these stories. Improving your skills will boost the experience even more.
Impious
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Mar 6, 2015 4:39 AM #1321197
Quote from Ken_Rou

Is it only me, or does your story seem SHORTER than Spyrix's story?

-Jesus christ, your character is brutal.

-Again, the battle is WAY too short. Wouldn't last longer than Electroid's battle.

-Describe the fight man! Don't get lazy on the most important part of written battles!

-This is just a personal question, but are you really from Japan? Cause I'm Japanese-american. This should be fun. Anyway, back to criticism.


Not gonna lie, i kind of rushed it a tiny bit. I'm a girl please don't call me man. Yes i am Japanese, but i only lived there for 4 or 5 years before we moved to America and I'm in the process of learning Japanese right now
Ken_Rou
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Mar 6, 2015 4:51 AM #1321209
Got it, I'll keep that in mind. Sorry.
Spyrix

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Mar 6, 2015 12:26 PM #1321404
Quote from Impious
Not gonna lie, i kind of rushed it a tiny bit. I'm a girl please don't call me man. Yes i am Japanese, but i only lived there for 4 or 5 years before we moved to America and I'm in the process of learning Japanese right now
Wait a minute you're a girl Im assuming you're a tomboy right?
Matthew Murphy
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Mar 6, 2015 12:30 PM #1321405
Both of you guys did too well... How can I even give one a vote without dismaying the other? How?? :(

But anyway, I can see potential here! If only there's a place in the forum that provides teaching to beginners on how to write a good story... Other than that, job well done! Btw, I'm Chinese (Malaysian to be precise)!
Impious
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Mar 6, 2015 2:42 PM #1321470
Quote from Spyrix
Wait a minute you're a girl Im assuming you're a tomboy right?

sort of
Malacal
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Mar 7, 2015 12:11 AM #1321750
We need something to tell gender underneath our profile pics that way we don't have moments where three or four posts are "wait you're of the female gender? whoa"
Like, seriously please dear god.
Obviously it should also be optional on our profiles, obviously.

And jesus these stories are short.
Spyrix:
-you missed some quotation marks at the beginning and typically when speaking occurs you have a comma before it. Or you end the spoken phrase with a comma and proceed to say who said the phrase.
-You're speaking too many names. Electroid this, Narkiss that. I'm sure others have said it (guess what? I haven't read anybody else's CnC, whoops) but repition of names is bad for story flow. Say things like "the zombie" or "the electric being" as opposed to their names consistently. Or even better, get into a scenario where you can just say "he" over and over again to make it easier on yourself. I've tried thinking up 37 different titles for my character. Despite him being a god, king, conqueror, alien, and warrior, it's still difficult. But if you have to, it is most certainly worth it.
-You need more emotional input into your stories. When Electroid got infected it was too rushed and I felt... nothing. Also, there wasn't any impact from the injuries at all, which I can understand from Narkiss him kinda being dead and all, but you still didn't even give the feeling that no matter what Electroid threw at him none of it worked. You didn't give Narkiss the feeling behind his character that he is a daunting and overpowering challenge. Think about how tense you feel in a difficult video game on the final boss fight, try to capture that feeling in the reader as your character struggles for victory, especially for something as difficult to kill as Narkiss.

So yeah, you have some improvements to make :p
Practice makes perfect though, right?

Impious
“Itadakimasu”

wut?
-Why didn't Narkiss eat Electroid? Seriously, it's only one bullet wound, he could eat around it.
-Okay, I have to say you pull off first-person writing far better than what most people do (and I proceed to cry from the millions of memories of my mind breaking from the terrible first-person stories I've read). So you have that going for you.
-As far as everything else goes, I enjoyed the imagery although it certainly could use some work. For example, your comparison to a broken teenage heart was good, but what followed was only as good as the word good. You said "Fuck I hate late night missions," for one you need a comma after "fuck," secondly the word hate has lost a lot of it's meaning despite the annoyingly common phrase "hate's a strong word" (spoiler alert, it's not). Also, although curse words add some nice strong feeling, they are once again too commonly used. You could instead use "I loathe late night missions." Also, this hatred did not seem to carry through to the fight at all, I suggest adding some consistency to your characters emotions (like, have him blame Electroid for this damnable late-night mission).
-Quite honestly, your fight sucked in comparison to the beginning. You lacked detail in your fights and it seemed rushed. Honestly, everyone else here will explain it better than I (after all, they taught me) so I'll just leave this as emphasis.
-Good job :p

As far as votes go, my vote goes to Impious.
Impious
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Mar 7, 2015 1:12 AM #1321795
"Itadakimasu" is a prayer you say before you eat in Japan. Thanks for all your CnC Malacal its pretty dependable
Matthew Murphy
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Mar 7, 2015 2:04 AM #1321824
Well, Spyrix and Impious. Try asking yourself, "What do I feel when I read my battle?".
Chamel
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Mar 9, 2015 2:12 AM #1322998
My vote goes to Impious.

CNC

Spyrix (Click to Show)


As for Impious, I feel as if Malacal has already told you what I planned on saying myself. If you would still like my input, just let me know and I would be more than happy to lend a hand~

---
If either of you have any questions about what I've discussed, or would like me to go more in depth, don't be shy to ask questions!
---

Pretty well done for a couple of newbies to the Writer's Lounge scene~ Good job you two. Hope to see more of your works at a later date!

(On a side note, I'd like to point out that the usage of the term "man" can be applied to all genders, seeing as it is more of a term of endearment than a blatant disregard to someones sex~)
Malacal
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Mar 9, 2015 3:06 AM #1323022
Quote from Chamel
My vote goes to Impious.
As for Impious, I feel as if Malacal has already told you what I planned on saying myself.

This makes me feel smart. Much thank.
Quote from Impious
"Itadakimasu" is a prayer you say before you eat in Japan.

Oh okay then, I thought I was missing out on something important for a second.
In an alternate universe, Narkiss is saying "Come lord Jesus, be our guest. Let thy gifts to us be blessed. Amen" :p