Quote from Vern

Alright I promised some CnC so here comes. I'm not that good at CnC'ing, and to be fair I'm not the BEST writer out here (yet ;) ) so it'll all just be basic stuff, though I hope you can appreciate it :)

Note to both : I have nothing major to say that Waffles didn't already say, but a promise's a promise.

Spyrix (Click to Show)

Waffles already pointed out the layout but let me do it once more. The way these sentences are done can be quite troubling on the eyes, which is a huge turndown for most people, and honestly it discourages them from reading your works. When writing, try to make clear and structured paragraphs. When you're typing, refrain from hitting the enter button TOO often, though it's still your friend. Just keep writing till you feel as if the current little subject has been finished, then double tap that enter button and start writing again. You'll end up with some neat blocks of text and it'll feel more enjoyable to read. If you're dealing with a big chunk of text, just tap the enter button once to start a new line when you feel that its appropriate. It's honestly all about the feel, and nobody does it perfectly from their first go. You'll see that with practice it'll eventually go by itself :)

Partially because of the structure of the text but also partially because of the way the work's written it feels very inarticulate. It starts you up then stops you then starts you up again and stops you and etc.... When writing your story, try to think of what you want to write down first, then take a good look at what you previously wrote and try to think of a sentence that flows nicely with the previous one. This way it'll feel smooth and it'll keep your readers reading :)

There are some grammar and spelling mistakes here and there, if you're not too confident about your skills in English it never hurts to ask someone to spellcheck it for you. Eventually it's just all about experience and knowledge when it comes down to writing in English.

Nevertheless, this is a nice improvement from your last story, Spyrix :D Nobody wrote a perfect story from their first try, and it's important that you just keep going. Life's full of falling and getting back up. You'll see, if you simply keep going while trying to learn as much as possible you'll eventually get where you want to be :).
However, do take my advice when I say it isn't the smartest move to rush your works. It's okay to take some time to write your works, you don't have to pump out battles left and right ;).

Oh and don't mind Waffles. He tends to bring you his opinion without too much sugarcoating, don't hold it against him, rather learn from his words as he is simply honest.

Urako (Click to Show)

A nice first battle, Urako. Perhaps we should do a battle sometime soon once I'm done with my clan collab, no? I think it could be interesting ^^

There's some >minor< spelling and grammar errors dotted around your work here and there, nothing that particularly stands out though. I tend to make the same mistakes. Again it's not really that much so I have little to remark on it.

The paragraphs are nicely done, they remind me of my own way of making paragraphs :). Keep going, this is nice.

One thing I had slight issues with though was the ending. While it wasn't at all bad, I felt as if the ending dialogue was unnecessary and that it simply dragged the story on a bit more than it should have. That's just my opinion though.

In the end my vote goes to Urako.

Quote from Urako

To be perfectly honest, i learned some of the paragraph structuring from reading your work. I would absolutely love to fight you sometime. But i promised i would fight RuDe next and it'll take a while to prepare. I may skip him or push him back if i'm ready and he refuses though.

Quote from Crank

Spyrix:

An Electric Encounter (Click to Show)

To be honest, as this stage I don't quite know know the type of specific advice to give you, you seem to be a bit new to new to this (and that's cool, so was I once) but it looks like your story is pretty void of details and emotions. Perspective, details are what gives your reader the mental image of what's occurring, and emotions are what make them feel it. Sadly, stand alone list like facts don't grant either.

At the moment, my advice is unfortunately pretty limited to try beefing up your story a bit. How do the characters look? The setting? What was occurring in the empty spaces between the blows and how did the characters feel as the encounter took place? After you start that, I should be able to give you a lot more specific pointers.

Another little side thing, is you may want to be weary of is saying this that have no relevance to the story or consequence. You opened with your guy breaking his phone, but he really didn't seem to care and ultimately if felt like it didn't matter, so that type of thing makes it tricky for your reader to appreciate. Humor is good and all, but unfortunately you do have to deliver it a bit more, and this is one of those times that if you really wanted to keep, could really benefit from showcasing the rushing emotions of regret that crash on your guy.

All in all though, it's still clear that you improved quite a bit, and if you keep at it, I see no reason why that can't continue!

Urako:

Bull Dozer-ing the Competition (Click to Show)

I just want to open saying props for coming full circle with the "The things I do for you Rachel…" line!

Anyway though, I think you did a bitter better of a job setting the scene and describing things and all that jazz, but at large I felt like your use of emotions was fairly absent. This is really the sort of thing that brings your reader to your corner and makes them bond with your character, so ultimately it is extremely important. What was going through Dozer's mind as the battle progressed? There were a lot of intense points where dread or desperation could've been highlighted, but ultimately went unexplored.

He grabbed Derrick and dragged him over to edge of the platform. The guy desperately struggled, but his adversary was clearly stronger than him. His opponent held Dozer’s head out for the oncoming train. The noise got louder and the lights brighter until it seemed it was right on top of him.

He grabbed Derrick and dragged him over to edge of the platform. The guy desperately struggled, but his adversary was clearly stronger than him. Electoid had him by the throat in a vicious vice, and despite his thrashing Dozer couldn't break free. Brown eyes frantic as his rapid heart beat, a rush of horror slammed into his body as he felt the bright lights of the incoming train glaring on his cheek as Electroid held his head out for impact. The vehicle's roar neared deafening levels as it got louder and the lights brighter until it seemed it was right on top of him, vowing obliteration.

On a similar note, sensory details are another great way to spice up a piece. You can see what's happening, that's good, but how does it sound, taste, feel, smell? Does it wreak of poop? That's unfortunate, but go ahead and throw it in! The more sensory it is, the more inside the story your reader will feel so the more impact it'll have.

Great effort to the both of you!