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Watching Spirit

Started by: Daduk | Replies: 2 | Views: 467

Daduk

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Apr 6, 2015 6:41 PM #1342719
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Notes: Hey, I know this isn't that long, I just wanna make this story just for fun! Send feedback, negative or positive! There will be 3 parts to this story maybe 4, or even 5. I don't know. It just depends.
Part 2 will be posted tomorrow.
Have a safe day. :)
Also, I'm quite new to the forums.
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Apr 9, 2015 2:43 AM #1344477
Meant to say this earlier, but welcome to the forums!

To begin, not a bad start! You might be a bit new to the game, but that's cool, everyone has their starting points and it's just a matter of climbing up!

I want to start off by saying that you've got a whole lot of information but you're really not giving enough time for your reader to really ingest it all. Unfortunately it comes off like it's just background information so there isn't much reason for your reader to really bond with your character. You need to slow things down and let them progress in a way that lets them visualize it. What does the doctor see? Stories don't have to be just two paragraphs long, they can stretch out a bit, like, I think I've seen a full paragraph going all into how someone got punched in the face. That being said, I don't think you need to do that much, but I do think this should be your primary focus for the moment.

How did they do it, how did it happen and what were the consequences? Keep asking yourself this as your story progresses, don't just confine yourself to one sentence per event. If it's important try to highlight it.

I look forward to the next update!
Daduk

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Apr 9, 2015 7:21 PM #1344962
Thank you so much for this feedback! I now understand that the reason this is short is beacuse the events are too short.
I like you man! Also another quick update, I will post part 2 whenever I feel like it.
I wll attempt to fix these errors. Report back some time!
Edit: I've added more detail. It sure does look longer. Hopefully some of the errors such as "you've got a whole lot of information but you're really not giving enough time for your reader to really ingest it all. Unfortunately it comes off like it's just background information so there isn't much reason for your reader to really bond with your character" Will be fixed in part 2.
Chao! for now.
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