I'm just going to review some stuff
4/25/15
At a glance, the city was beautiful, with shades of blue and green all around. But if you looked a little deeper, you could see a part that did not match. Tiron Street, or, as the fancy fellows called it, "The Garbage Dump." I appreciate the vibe you're trying to convey, but you need to describe the city a little better. All I know is that it's blue and green all around, and that's about it. I know you're new to this, but specify what exactly didn't match.
Inside a rickety old shack, 25-year old Lukas Esposito Too much exposition. it's really abrupt to dump a character onto the reader like that.downed a glass of beer. A machine gun liedlaid on a table, shined well and fully loaded with bullets. this seems rushed. Don't be afraid to stretch out your writing for the sake of artisty, just don't fluff it. Slamming the glass down, he stretched his back, groaning a bit. "I remember the old days..When all the people around here called me Lukas Linguine..Of course, they changed it if someone else came around." He smiled. "I guess they would be surprised what I am doing right now." this is really hard to read and understand. Say this to yourself and if it sounds weird, change it. Every time your characters speak, read out what you've written to yourself out loud, and if it sounds weird, change it.
A person wearing street clothes walked up to Lukas and gave a stiff salute. Walked out from where? I have no idea where Lukas is."Comandante, the men are ready." He smiled once more.who smiled once more? Lukas? the man? "Alright. Tell them to get ready. Yes, they would be surprised."Who, what? Who would be surprised?
Lukas walked to what fancy folks may call a run-down fast food place.This wasn't executed well, but I really appreciate what you tried to do here. When you call it "run-down store" the reader kinds of tunes it out, but by saying "What the rich would consider run-down" you add a tangible, human element to the description, as if the place was real, and rich people really did think that way about the restaurant. In reality, Krispy Fish was a meeting place for his "gang." Walking up to the door, he game the secret combination. 2,1,2,2,1. We don't need to know the combination unless it's essential to the plot. By adding information like the combination into the story you create Information Hoarding, in which I remember the combination because I think it's critical to the plot, when in reality it isn't. The worst thing you can do in a story is have your reader remember too much. It's uncomfortable and makes reading a chore, it's the reason I don't like Game of Thrones.The door opened.
"Welcome, Comandante." "Hello, Bob." What led up to this? Did the door just open and Bob was there? He wasn't sitting or anything? Where is this room even?Bob was their explosives expert and a monster in a battle. "Want me to take ya to the fellas?" "Why not?" "Alraght." Going to the "Storage room" they took a hidden elevator to a lower level. Lukas stepped out, smoothing his tie. "I am back, gentlemen." I have no idea what is happening here.
Alright homie, check it out. When you write, always ask yourself the Who, What, When, Where and Why, as well as How.
This is the list of priorities when you introduce a scene:
Environment (What is this place like? Just describe the scene. What time is it?)
Location (Where are we? You can keep this vague, but if Environment is your painting, Location is the frame. What era is this? Future? Ancient?)
Action (What is happening right now?)
Character (Brief introduction of who we're reading about. It doesn't have to be the main character, but there must be somebody in the scene we care about.)
Character Action (What is the character doing?)
Character Dialogue/Thoughts (What is the character saying or doing?)
4/26/15
Lukas Esposito stroked his beard like a gentleman. "So...you guys ready for the assault?"
"YEAH!"
Lukas grinned. "Lets go over the crew.."
Bob Jenkins: Age:30 Demo Expert Years Served: 5 Race: African-American Looks: A short, stubby beard, heavy weight, wears combat armor. Favorite Weapon: Shotgun
Bob yelled loudly. "Hey Tom, got any muscle yet?"
Tom groaned. "Shut up."
TOM LINTER: Age: 20 Scout Years served: 3 Race: French Looks: Clean face, piercing green eyes, slim build. Favorite Weapon: Dual Pistols.
Hambone yelled from the kitchen. "Both of you shut up or I will smite thee with thy Frying Pan!"
Russo "Hambone" Lincoln: Age: 35 Cook and Front-range-fighter Years Served: 10 Race: British Looks: Fat, with curly mustache and a loud laugh. Favorite Weapon: Frying Pan. Really. Don't ask.
All of them froze as the cold voice of Lee came from the corner. "Sigh... Stop being idiots, all of you."
Cheng "Ninja" Lee Age: 23 Sniper and Assassin Years Served: 3 Race: Chinese Looks: Black hair, black eyes, built to sneak around. Favorite Weapon: Katana and Sniper Rifle.
After a fight, they all calmed down and ate some curry made by Hambone. "So..Commandante, when can we strike?"
Lukas made a evil smile. "5 hours from now."
this makes no sense at all.
This is a really bad case of exposition dump. You're telling us so much information at once that we end up letting all slip. Out of 500 words, what has even happened?
Like in animation, you're giving us all the frames of dudes getting kicked, but with nothing in between. Bad writing just jumps from all the exciting stuff, and leaves out all the frames in between that make the cool shit make any sense. It's like easing.
Germi’s room was much larger than Kellan’s, with only two beds on opposite sides of the dormitory. There were a few tables and closets, but what drew Kellan’s attention was the window which took up the entire wall, facing Tempest. The planet’s surface was dark, but Kellan could faintly see spears of light shift appear amongst the clouds as the sun began to rise, although out of view.
Germi’s body became a silhouette as she approached the window, and slid off her jacket. She threw it onto the bed, and although she was still wearing her long-sleeved crew shirt, Kellan could see her figure through the weak light, the softness of her hips contrasted by the strength and tightness of her shoulders.
She was stunning; her gentle, dexterous fingers untying her boots. Kellan knew that he looked nothing like that, and although he could rival her in intellect and skill, he could never match her gracefulness. He was a mess, even in the best of lighting; his mismatched, hairy muscles ruined by years of scarring and burns.
There's only two characters in that scene. However, in three paragraphs I've told you the following:
A) Germi is female
B) Kellan is male
C) They're in her room, in space
D) They're looking at a planet
E) Germi is thin and gorgeous
F) Kellan is heavier and uglier, and is aware of this
Writing is great, but always re-read everything you write.
Virgin read it. When I say Virgin, I mean that you should "forget" everything, and read your work as picky as possible.