Waffles and I have talked in great detail with each other about the true strengths of our characters outside of wRHG. Essentially both Handy and Zalgo have the power to destroy entire planets. This ended in the agreement to settle it the only way it could be settled, in the wRHG Battle of Gods.

Now this here battle is Noncanon. This means that neither of our battles will be accounted for in any story line or anything that we may be working on. So don't expect to ever hear about these two knowing each other in anything else we write.

Also holy shit Handyman is like the strongest motherfucker jesus christ.
Without further ado:

r on the planet. The black world that he had just created was now perfect, and the silence was what he loved most. The only thoughts he had were of his own greatness, of his own power, of his own conquering might. This planet had fallen rather easily, the primitive race here was no match for his oil; the very same oil that now covered the entire surface of the globe.

How easily living creatures were disposed of. the being mused.

How easy they are to destroy. How much they fear me when they realize that they are staring upon the face of God.

Zalgo stood upon his platform of hardened oil, puking the black substance out of his many mouths and coating himself in a thick sphere of it before pushing himself out of orbit. It was time to find a new planet to lay waste upon.

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Zalgo arrived on the lush green and blue planet before him. From the few minds he had feasted on in the last few hours he had gathered that it was dubbed 'Earth'.

Well Earth, let us see what you have to offer.

Zalgo spewed a few gallons of oil out of his body and covered himself in a second layer of skin; as a secodary measure of defense.
He then reached out with his mind, searching for worthy prey to feast upon.

Zalgo suddenly recoiled as the psychic whiplash echoed across the nether. His affliction had indeed found a mind among the creatures of the planet, and one worth devouring. Zalgo targeted his affliction on the lifeform, locking onto the creature that seemed much more unique than the other mortals of Earth.

He located the thing, and set his affliction upon its mind.

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The many armed beast slept soundly in its cave, readying itself for when it awoke for its next meal. His dreamless slumber was interrupted by a bright flash of light. A brilliant daze of flashing radiance. Handy roared in pain as he felt his skin burn.
He struck out against the light, trying to destroy whatever was harming him. But the light only intensified, melting the poor creature's black flesh. In a haze of rage, pain, and confusion Handy spewed arms from his body, desperate to stop the light. But it only persisted, and it burned deep into his vision as it intensified to impossible levels.

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Zalgo chuckled to himself.

How arbitrary that a beast that had existed so long was afraid of something such as light. Especially living on a planet so close to a star!

Zalgo's brief glimpse into the creature's past revealed to him how ageless the being was. Of course the Oil was no doubt older, his age was impressive. Zalgo felt the beast's mind tug. It wouldn't be long now. His consciousness would fade, as would his ability to resist the Fraysan Lord. As he felt the monster's sanity slip away he prepared to move out, still in his armor of oil, but gave pause when he felt the sudden disappearance of the monster from his affliction's locator.

Where did it go? Why did it suddenly disappear? Zalgo pondered. This had never happened before, the beast should of collapsed a soulless husk of a corpse ripe for the picking.

His confusion gave way to anger. Who was this monster with the audacity to confuse him? He was a God! A divine being with the power to destroy worlds! He would find this thing and rip it apart, molecule by molecule.

After ranting to himself in his own mind, Zalgo once more began to move. He was completely unaware of the true consequences of what had just happened.

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After Handy's mind snapped, he became a mindless beast. His only thought was hunger. His only drive was to devour. And whatever had brought the light was now leading him directly towards food.

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Zalgo marched across the grassland in front of him as the planet's night cycle circled into effect. The glaring moon of Earth the only other witness to the beast Zalgo witnessed charging him from the nearby caves. The many limbed monster galloped like some form of broken spider-horse towards him, nothing in it suggested any form of the intelligence Zalgo had sensed before. Disgusted at the pathetic monster he spewed oil in a line in front of him, before causing it to slither forward and morph into a barricade of iron spikes. The monster continued its sprint for the god, paying no heed to the fortifactions he was making.

The arm-monster slammed into the spikes, allowing its flesh to tear and rip along the iron-hard substance. He ignored the pain, if it even bothered him. Zalgo was slightly taken aback as the monster began ripping through the oil like it was made of paper.

The amount of strength it must possess to be able to do such a thing... I may have a use for this beast's corpse yet.

The slight pause brought forth from the surprise was all Handy needed to close the distance. A massive hand shot forth, snagging at Zalgo's form. The alien opened his chest and propelled himself backwards with oil, simultaneously impaling Handy with a massive spike that Zalgo enlarged to rip the monster in half. It landed in two heaps in front of him, but the top pile just grew more arms and continued its single minded assault.

Zalgo opened his arm-mouths and began slinging oil tethers, spikes that stayed connected to his body, at the monster, impaling it with hundred of darts across its frame, including in its head. Zalgo then expanded every spike, ripping the creature's flesh asunder. The monster essentially rupture from within. The broken orb of its head immedialtely repaired itself and began growing more arms, clawing itself relentlessly towards Zalgo.

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO STOP THIS DAMNED CREATURE? Zalgo roared telepathically.

Handy blasted hands out of his back, propelling himself forward in a rush of speed. He tackled the alien before him and began slamming his fists into the unknown lifeform. Zalgo, pinned beneath Handy's onslaught, could feel his body being pulverized beneath the monster's hands. He opened his chest cavity and puked enough oil to send Handy flying through the air before crashing down upon the earth in a cloud of dust.

I don't know what you are, but you dare to lay a hand upon a divine being such as myself? I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT HAPPENS TO SUCH A PATHETIC MONSTER SUCH AS YOURSEL- Zalgo's sentence was interrupted by a hand ripping itself from the ground beneath him and grabbing his ankle. He was yanked through the rock and dirt like a ragdoll through some large gopher hole before he was pulled up, looking directly into the gaze of the handbeast. A pink arm emerged from the monster's mouth, trying to latch itself onto Zalgo's neck. Zalgo grabbed the pink tongue and yanked with all of his strength, ripping the tentacle-like appendage from the creature's mouth. He then launched several spikes into Handy's 'eyes', piercing his head.

Handy roared and slammed Zalgo onto the ground before tossing him skywards. He grabbed the spikes impaled in his eyes and tore them from his body. He looked towards Zalgo, who just landed nearly thirty feet away.

Zalgo stood once more, feeling oil dribble out of his mouth.

What are you...? he wondered.

As he felt fear for the first time in centuries, the beast before him reabsorbed most of its arms, taking the stance of some kind of ape. It raised its mighty fists into the air before slamming them back down upon the earth. Zalgo felt a minor quake from the action and stood his ground. The monster raised one foot off the ground, before burying it underneath the dirt. It then repeated the motion with the second foot. Finally the beast's head tore apart, revealing a writhing mass of yellow teeth-like fingers that squirmed and clicked inside of the tentacular mass that used to be the monster's dome. A massive siren blared from the center of the monster's head, the sound of universes tearing themselves apart. He knew even if he emerged victorious from this, that he would never get that sound out of his head. He would never enjoy silence again. As arms began sprouting out of the earth around him, arms as big as trees, surrounding him in a forest of the creature's own nightmares, he allowed his armor to drop. Zalgo ignored the coiling fog coming from the dark emptyness of the beast's skull and opened every mouth on his body, allowing the Oil to take full control. From underneath his feet he could feel the squirming of worms, or fingers, whichever it was. One second there was fingers everywhere around Zalgo, the next there was oil. Gallons of the dark substance flowed from Zalgo's body, drenching the earth around the alien.

Two forces clashed. Arms and oil ripping through each other like two armies of soldiers wielding chainsaws. Bits of flesh from the arms and fingers scattered the battlefield as oil consistantly ripped through every molecule of the arm beast's forest. The oil weaved itself into the very fibers of Handy's flesh before ripping itself outwards, tearing the monster apart by its very molecules. The bits of flesh left over squirmed for a moment before staying still and dissolving. However, a speck of the darkness that had made up the inside of the monster's head remained. Zalgo's lifeless stare in his engine form gazed at the speck, before approaching it slowly.

The speck suddenly ripped itself open, spewing forth a sea of arms. The arms no longer resembled black flesh, instead becoming some unknown shimmering substance. It no longer looked even vaguely lifelike, instead resembling some massive eldritch arm beast. The writhing mass of shimmering blackness was easily over twenty feet tall, and easily the most terrifying thing Zalgo had ever encountered. Even in his engine form, the Fraysan God gave pause. He could not wrap his mind around what he saw, no matter how intelligent, or how ancient Zalgo was, this was something that no creature should ever bear witness to. The arm beast was only continuing to grow, the sound of the siren drowning out all other things. Zalgo's vision was full of arms, the sky itself was nothing more than a vastly growing sea of the things. He lashed out with his oil, generating more every second, but Handy was generating more arms. Zalgo felt his oil losing the tide, he was simply overwhelmed. He was covered in arms, his large black heart being squeezed by the appendges. He could no longer move, no longer fight back, all he could do was spew oil, and it seemed no longer an effective means of combat. The beast's head come forth from the colossal mass of arms, still a writhing mass of tentacles. The pink tongue once more sliding towards Zalgo. As the beast's head drifted forward, Zalgo tried one last ditch attempt at salvation.

He began puking oil directly into the monster's head, into the dark abyss that allowed this ocean of arms to be released upon his reality. The oil flooded forward, ripping through the arms into the darkness. Handy paused, the oil flooding his dimensional portal. Zalgo continued to puke oil into the monster's mind, attempting to flood the entire dimension that this unholy abomination was from. Slowly the ocean of arms began to evaporate, until only the original beast was left holding Zalgo. The Fraysan God did not relent. He continued to puke oil and he vowed he would continue until this beast before him was obliterated.

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It took an eternity, but the dimension inside of the beast finally succumbed to the oil. The portal closed upon itself, having no open host anymore. Zalgo's excess oil lost to the dimension, but the hand beast before him evaporated into the air.

Zalgo limped away from the scene of the battle, the landscape massively changed after the passage of so much time. He had stared upon the face of God, and spat in his mouth.[/spoiler]

vs.

d Zalgo characters. Outside of wRHG they’re way more powerful, and since both characters are like that we’ve decided to drop the wRHG limits for this battle. Because of this, this does not partake in my wRHG canon thing. If you’re unsure about what this means, it means that the battle I do after this one will appear to take place at the end of the battle before this one. This battle is exempt from my wRHG storyline thing.
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Thick, full forests flooded the fertile lands, set upon the many highs and lows of hills, like a green sea paused in time. Their dark undergrowths broke out to bright sunlight that danced upon the ridges and walls of the surrounding mountains, where misty air flowed through their peaks and caves, a coarse whistling in its frigid wake. It was like the intangible tendrils of some abstract god as it beheld and tasted its domain, being everywhere yet truly nowhere. One of these tendrils darted into a cave near the base of one of the tallest mountains, and licked a simple- albeit immensely powerful- being that was, in fact, tangible.

The beast sat inert within the mountain’s natural catacombs, quiet and at peace within the dark depths of the world, surrounded with rocks, decaying foliage and carcasses.

It was in a sort of meditative state, its whole body focused on the sounds of the world, its body in tune completely with the atmosphere. It heard everything through these tunnels, echoes travelling easily like blood in veins. Water trickled down from cave walls. A bird takes off from the entrance after snagging a worm, causing a few pebbles to tumble in the process. A gentle breeze sifts through the outside trees, the soothing sound as if nature itself was telling the world to hush and enjoy silence.

Its head tilted slightly, a movement so miniscule it didn’t even disturb the air around it. The white noise of the background perked up as the creature’s grin started to dance faster. Something had entered its domain, quite a distance away. It listened carefully.

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An alien stood before a mighty crack in the mountain’s wall. A cave entrance. He glanced behind him and noted the massive distance between him and the smouldering crater he wondered out of. He turned his sight back forward and trudged on.

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A monster not of this Earth sensed the world around it. Every living, breathing creature seemed to resonate within its mighty consciousness, a consciousness that named itself Zalgo. It travelled through the rocky cave and experienced things which it had never laid eyes on before. A bat fluttered down and squeaked, and Zalgo merely snatched it out of the air, crumpled its life away with his three-fingered, two-thumbed hand and stuffed it into his hungry maws.

But he was still hungry, and needed food.

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A monster born of this Earth sensed the world around it. Every nook and cranny seemed to resonate within its meagre consciousness, a consciousness without a name. It retreated ever more within the rocky cave and huddled in a familiar spot, where it had been nesting for decades now. A rat scurried up the creature’s arm and climbed its head, and the creature cared not for the small furry thing which stood upon its scalp, for its mind was already gone.

For its body was hungry, and needed food.

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Zalgo mumbled to himself in some alien dialect, a series of rumbles and croaks murmured from the long lines running over his black flesh. The pupils in his four eyes darted from area to area, studying the fauna of the cave as he trav

Here's my vote:

Waffle's story felt like I was reading in slow motion, if you catch what I mean. There was a little bit too much stuff that didn't add anything to the story and didn't need to be there. There was a lot of space used to describe the personality and essence of Zalgo, but not much actually got shown. Handyman didn't seem to get much attention at all, up until the end, but even then it wasn't a lot. There was a lot of effort in describing the scenery, but hardly any details went into the look and power that Zalgo and Handyman both posessed, even though this story was supposed to demonstrate their true potential. The action was pretty cool to imagine, but there wasn't a lot of it. Most of the story was thoughtful and full of literary tricks, and those are lovely. But there was too much focus in that area and not enough in the actual fight between two gods.

Veir's story follows the most important rule to me when it comes to writing: Don't write anything that the reader could skip over and not lose anything for doing so. Every sentence should further the story or add to its entertainment. His entry demonstrated both Zalgo and Handyman's power well, and it gave both characters a fair fight. I loved the method that Zalgo used to defeat Handy--it felt eerie and demonstrated Zalgo's immortality with how he spent eons, trapped, filling up an entire dimension with oil to survive his enemy. It was also more to the point, but still long enough to feel satisfying. For this one, I say Veir wrote the better story.

I'm thoroughly happy that we seem to be at a tie so far. My previous (and first) battle I ended up at a 9:0 score and there was practically no CC on me, and I'm a beginner! I need that stuff to thrive. Though I can make words dance somewhat well I still need to learn how to organise them into stories with substance.

Massive thanks, Devour. I'll take all that stuff to heart.

Woah. Those were some good reads. I, personally, am a fan of description, suspense, perspective. That would mean Waffles would have gotten my vote. Would. I happen to also be a fan of listing wards and explaining as much as possible in as little words as possible. Maybe it seems contradictory. It kind of is. So Veir won my vote.

I'm not that great of a writer, but I'll try my best to CnC.

Veir, that was good. It was descriptive, and you clearly showed the struggle of staying sane for Zaglo. His last ditch attempts, his understanding of temporary truama, his... Turtling. That being said, caps lock I generally avoid using. By utilizing strong descriptive words, there's really no need. I spotted a few spelling mistakes, but that's fine.

Waffles, as Devour said, it was too slow. It was great seeing the setting, the fear, the characters, but there was no sense of awesome (couldn't find a better word). You got the suspense, you got the whole thing started (albeit, slowly), but it ended so fast. It's as if the floating city worked in BL2. You'd be like, that's it?

I'm not to good at this, you know, CnCing, writing, etc., but good job anyways.

I guess it became longer than it needed to be because I focus on atmosphere and scenery too much. I didn't want to make it go much longer so I ended it rather swiftly. I coulda focused more on the colossal but I guess I messed up!

Me and Veir are gonna rematch in future though. Sequel to this or somethin'. Hopefully by then I've improved worth a damn. Thanks for the words, you two.

I got rekt.