Alright, here's my CnC to my opponent:

Sin Tally I:
Your dialog was awful, lmao. Don't worry, I'm pretty sure all of us had a stage where in which dialog was this strange thing we thought we were good at but secretly couldn't hold a candle to the standard we should follow. Dialog isn't exactly taught in school, which I think they should encourage teaching in.
So first off, what you did with italics and all that was completely unnecessary, especially with someone like Omega having such an obvious identity in his way of speaking. It was silly really. You can usually tell who is speaking by the clues given by an author. So... yeah... don't do this again. "Everyone can talk like this," the local wizard finished.

Sin Tally II:
Again with the dialog, it deserves multiple sins. Sorry.
This time it's emphasis. You had to damn much of it. It seemed every sentence had a bolded word and it really seemed more comical and senseless than impact...ful. After awhile it's like, "he's slightly louder at this point than the others." You need to make it less frequent or not use it at all. Show emphasis in the text around it. About that...

Sin Tally III:
You did this alot better than most, this is actually an area where many fail. BUT... you still only got a D-
Okay, first you need to not place your dialog smack-dab in the middle of a paragraph. It either should come at the end or beginning or both. Also, you need to have action going on as opposed to idle banter. They aren't standing like statues saying crap like "fite me irl." "no u." "nyeh. i ain't never lost a fite in my life. u'll be srry u fcked with todd." "ur name's todd? no wonder ur so angry." Without atleast getting closer and closer to eachother's faces. You had some of this, but the dialog wasn't connected to the action via commas or anything.

I'd say more, but really you need to get better at the other stuff people are saying and this before I can really help much more.
Good luck mate.

Heheh. Thanks man. I'll hopefully use all this CnC for our clan battle, assuming Haru doesn't kick Pitch for getting banned again.

Don't really think giving you CnC is required.

Just as a note to the people who seem to misunderstand me:
I am not, in any way, reducing this to a battle of OP chars like some preteen facebook roleplay. I fully understand about the writing. But still, I think sometimes it might be wise to say "no" to a challenge. Or not to make it yourself. Look at it this way (I'll use Aric's scenario): Balanced Batman beats the imbalanced Superman. Fine. That can be achieved logically. Now, let us see if, say.... MrFreeze beats Superman. The battle that would ensue (if someone actually bothered writing one for that) would NOT be logical, because no amount of ice and skating minions would do Superman much harm one way or the other.
I hope what I said makes sense. Maybe I'm too much of a rationalist for most people, but its just the way I think.

Quote from Shadowolf

Thus, even if your story had been absolutely flawless, its plot would have been lacking due to the necessary leap of logic for you to win.
When I created my char (The Shadowolf), PitchEnder bluntly comment that he should not fight me, because his char is made (largely) of metal, and my char has power over metals. Logically, if we WERE to fight, my char would simply melt all of his metal components upon first sight and end the battle in a handful of sentences.

Yes, but that's the LAME way of doing things. If you're hell bent on making realistic battles (much like I do) and the matchup seems rather one-sided, it's your job as writer to come up with a plausible yet enticing and interesting story! You need to take a closer look at your opponent's strengths, and look how they could utilize those to beat your character down, and what would be necessary to do so in order to come up with something that's more than a few lines.

If you're just looking at the easiest and swiftest way your character can vanquish his foe, then you won't be getting very far as a writer. There'd be no suspense, no interesting story, no anything.

Imagine if I'd choose the lame way for dealing with things when it comes to Gamma :

"Gamma saw his foe, X, in the distance, just as planned. As he had predicted, X was to preoccupied with whatever bothered him at the moment to notice the agent. Silently, Gamma set up his rifle, took aim and pulled the trigger.

It had been a clean headshot, a clean kill. And it had been all it had taken"

FIN

Now you can easily insert ~90% of the RHG's out there as mister/mademoiselle X. You see how easy yet lame it is? I'm not trying to bash on you, rather I'm just trying to point out that being creative is crucial when it comes to battles. If one character blatantly overpowers the other, then try to look for some way to make things interesting despite the blatantly obvious outcome! (This message easily applies to everyone)

Now, on to CnC! I owe ya both something so I'm going full out. If I bulldoze you fellas a bit, I'm sorry beforehand ^^.

introductory feeling. It feels a bit empty and already cuts down the opportunity to build up suspense. I feel as if I'm being thrown into the midst of a scene without any clue of who and what, and I'm sure this was intended but this doesn't feel as if its the right way to do it.

Allow me to rewrite it a bit :

It was pitch black. Nothing could be seen other than the occasional little hallucinatory flare of light, and the only thing she could feel was the cool air slowly drifting through the emptiness of the room.

Then all of the sudden she was startled by a deep hollow voice. 'So. You are Catena, the Goddess of the chains?’ It thundered

“Who’s there?” Catena scowled, annoyed by the intrusion of her peace. It was difficult to imagine what kind of inhuman being this alien voice could possibly emanate from.

‘Just another god in this realm.’ The deep hollow sounds reverberated through the dark halls. ‘I am Omega, the Usurper King. Enslaver of worlds, master of the magics. I am here, to stake my claim: Earth. I will eliminate any god, or goddess, that stands in my way.’ It stated, obviously making no attempt to hide the arrogance in his voice.

“Show yourself.” Her eyes frantically scoured the room, to make sure the otherworldly being wouldn't sneak up on her.

Creating a fitting atmosphere is essential, especially in the beginning. Without it, the story feels empty from the getgo and it becomes harder to properly imagine what you're trying to depict since it's all a bit vague.

About the subject of atmosphere etc : I found your story as a whole a bit hard to properly picture. There were some sequences that left me a bit confused as to what was happening. When things get fast paced, it's crucial to maintain clarity in your writing. Once it becomes hard to understand what exactly is going on at a given moment, then that moment is lost to the reader, and you really wanna avoid that!

Now, maintaining clarity isn't always as easy. Especially if you have lots of (similar) things going on at the same time. In order to make up for the possible confusion that comes out of rapid sequences, it's important to make sure that the rest of the story is easy to keep track of. You want your reader to know where the action-sequence happens, so you don't have things suddenly popping up.

'How do you hit what you cannot see?’ Omega murmured. He drenched the torches with the liquid in the fountains.

(On a sidenote : Omega has the ability to control fire so he could practically make the torches go out simply by.. wanting it, but that's not a major issue.)

This specific piece left me completely riddled. I have no clue where these fountains or these torches are supposed to be situated so I can't understand how he'd do that. There's no need to be hyperspecific about everything, but it's important to provide enough info.

I'll repeat what others have said before me, but there's a general lack of buildup and suspense in the story. This is simply the result of a general lack of proper atmosphere and a good depiction of the characters. I usually don't compare other people, but Mal's intro and story had me feeling a lot more for Catena (and Omega in my weird psycho way) than yours did. What I mean by this is that the characters felt a lot more fleshed out and there was certainly an eerie atmosphere about the whole thing.

A good way to get a grasp on atmosphere is to read some of other people's things and compare them to your own. What do you feel when reading the other person's story that you didn't feel reading your own?

‘Some kind of god? I am the only God!’ Omega roared, and the ceiling came crashing down.

This is the kind of sentence that requires proper buildup and suspension to become as powerful as it's supposed to be. It didn't quite feel like that, it felt more like "Catena did A, Omega got pissed and did B". If there had been a long, intensive struggle beforehand then this would've felt a lot more impactful than it did now. Omega just got torched like hell and instead of capitalizing on this mistake Catena simply stands/floats there and throws out some random insult, after which Omega seems to simply shrug of having been practically torched alive.

The flames only grew brighter, and by the time Omega realized his mistake, it was too late. His tentacles had already started moving, and there was no stopping his momentum. He flew into the scorching flames, and screamed in a completely different dialect. (What happens to him afterwards? Is he covered in flames or was he simply thrown through them? If so, is he still standing or has he collapsed under his own momentum?)

“What are you? Martian Manhunter? Ha. And I thought you were some kind of god.” Catena scoffed.
(Insert Vern)
Then slowly the creature rose again, its large metal appendages clumsily looking for ground as he began to murmur.

"Some kind of god...?

When the meaning of her insult had finally gotten through to him, the rage rekindled his power. In an instant his tentacles pinned themselves in the ground and furiously he rose up.

"I am the ONLY God!" The anger in his roar so intense, so powerful, that even the ceiling came crashing down

I hope you can feel a bit of a difference there. Don't worry, it's all trial and error, you'll get a hang of it quite soon if you just keep trying ;)

So let's go over what we're missing again shall we? Generally, there's a lack of atmosphere and clarity, which strains the buildup and suspense, generally lowering the quality of your work.

The lack of atmosphere is simply created by a lack of description. Don't be afraid to pepper your works with a little bit of detail! It's always better to be a bit overdescriptive than to be underdescriptive (though do try to be neither).

The clarity issue is mainly because the battle is a bit too static. It doesn't feel that dynamic and most of the times when one of them is doing something, the other is just doing nothing. It sort of feels like a bit of a turn-based fight ^^. An example would be this sequence :

Once again Omega hurled the halo, but this time Catena was prepared. Her right hand was covered with thick chainmail, and she grabbed the disc out of the air. The gauntlet heated up.
“Take this.”
With a mighty thrust Catena willed the molten gauntlet and the halo out of her hand, and into Omega’s face. ‘Hnggggg!’ Omega wailed.

I don't exactly know how fast this halo is supposed to fly, but I feel as if Omega just threw it and then stood there, hoping it'd oneshot Catena or something. He throws it to take a shot at her, so there's two logical things he can do afterwards : 1. Immediately move in for more attacks to capitalize on his strengths or 2. Use the halo to wear down Catena and prepare for a possible counterattack in the meantime. He did neither, he stood there, Catena threw it back, and it fucked him up. Alright, I can understand that it might've happened too fast for him to properly dodge, but he certainly would've done something once he'd see that Catena had caught the halo.

Now this is just an example. In a fight nobody stands still doing nothing unless both of them just had a run in and both need a second to breathe. Try to think what your opponent could possibly do while your gladiator is doing their attack and vise versa. An easy fix to the previous sequence would've simply been to say that Omega only realized too late what was going on, tried to dodge, but it still grazed his face.

When it comes to buildup, it's simply a matter of a correct grasp of action-reaction, knowing what your reader thinks when reading this specific paragraph and playing with that knowledge to either surprise them with an opposite or press on the suspense even more. For example, if Omega starts beating down Catena in close quarters with his tentacles/halo, we know she's going to be in trouble as she's going to struggle fighting in close quarters. So you either make Catena do some spookywooky trick that catches Omega offguard, or you make her struggle to block his attacks while he unleashes a flurry at her etc etc etc... It's hard to properly spell it out, but just remember that it usually comes naturally if you do the other things (suspense, atmosphere, dynamics) right.

Concerning suspense, it partially comes naturally if you manage to get the dynamics of the fight and the atmosphere correctly. It's important to keep your audience rooting for your fighter as well though. Fleshing out the characters is very important when it comes to building up suspense, since suspense is simply the reader fearing something for either party, or being thrilled by the lively violence going on. Both characters seem a bit too black and white to me. Omega's just the big OP arrogant/cocky alien, and all of his emotions simply express the same. Alright, this might be the case for Omega, but it doesn't feel properly executed which makes him appear a bit stiff. Same for Catena, I don't really feel for her and it feels more like I'm watching some choppy pivot animation between two peeps with cool powers.

My honesty is something you can always count on, and now is no exception. All in all, your battle feels a bit stiff and dull, but that is not at all a problem! It was in no way bad, it just lacks the proper edges of a real battle and that's what puts it beneath Mal's. So just keep things in mind, be sure to compare your work with that of those you personally look up to/think better than yourself, but anything works, honestly.

It's just important that you see what's already good, what needs to be better, and what doesn't. Learning to write is a journey everyone must make themselves. It takes trial and error, and will, but as long as you keep trying you'll get there. Don't believe me? Look at Malacal or Urako for example. They've already come a long when it comes to writing, and there's a lot more out there who have as well. So I hope that you'll keep going, that you'll find your own style and flow and that you'll always be improving ;)

So good luck, and I hope I was helpful ^^

PS :

Catena raised a massive, chain claymore

I'm not sure how that's supposed to work.. But it does, somehow XD. Is there any practical difference between chain generation/manipulation and metal generation/manipulation? Because quite honestly it doesn't really feel like there is :p

(Boy, this feedback is longer than some RHG battles...)[/spoiler]

is just a practical joke because of the blatant amount of people that manage to misspell your name.

Now, on to CnC :

Y'know, for starters, I must say I'm very happy with your opener. You managed to set a nice atmosphere and I instantly felt a bit connected to Catena. Job well done, my man.

The first issue that comes to my mind when re-reading your work is your flow. Now what do I mean by flow? Basically, flow is making sure the pacing and structure of your sentence feel nice. It's the way I describe the sentences fitting together nicely, it makes reading easier, and keeps things clear. It's something that comes naturally as you develop your writing skills and your style, but it never hurts to sit down and re-think a sentence if it feels awkward to read ^^.

Eventually, the girl’s concentration was broken as something peculiar happened, a noise.

This sentence is solid, but personally I feel as if it could possibly be done a bit smoother, especially considering the circumstance.

Suddenly, her concentration was broken by something peculiar, something alien, a noise.

Can you feel the difference? Well it works for me. This is just an example, there's a few more out there. It's nothing major, but I'm just trying to present you with everything you can use.

I'd make a remark on your spacing, but quite honestly it's okay as it is, it just felt a bit weird. I don't know, feels as if I'd just be nitpicking then.

She then had them inch their way towards Omega’s left hand, already preparing to ensnare the odd alien before her before a fight could break out.

Let me bring up flow and it's ability to increase the overall quality of your work again. This stretches a bit beyond that, though. You used two words that are exactly the same in a rather odd but rapid succession. This breaks the pace of the story a bit and feels unpleasant to read. Synonyms are both your friend and your enemy. You can use them to create a wide spectrum of words in your story, which increases the quality if done correctly, but if you use one in the wrong place simply because you used the same word earlier, you risk ruining the pace/flow of your sentence. Sometimes it's better to replace a word of a paragraph with something that fits better yet tells the same.

In this case, it'd just be better to leave out 'before her' all together. Sometimes, less is more. I'm hoping you understand what I tried to say there because going in on that is too much work.

It's my main issue with your battle, really. It just feels as if it could've been polished, as if the whole could be smoother and nicer on the eye. When it comes down to battle-dynamics, buildup, suspense, the fleshing out of characters and etcetera, you're already well on your way, so keep it up ^^. When it comes to that I can only give you the same advice I gave to Chaotic : Read the works of others occasionally, preferably those of the ones you look up to/deem having more writing skills than yourself.

Comparing your own work with that of others can grant you lots of insights on what you're already doing right and what you're still doing wrong, and it can also provide you with insights on how to fix issues you're already aware of or on how to do certain things better.

(That is, ofcourse, if you aren't already doing this ^^).

So yeah, you're already well on your way. It's just crucial that you st

Indeed. In a social medium where in which one can constantly see my name it becomes very difficult to spell it. I have pondered on long nights, thinking to myself how to rectify this problem.
Then it hit me.
It's simple, we kill the Crenk.

Quote from Vern

Chaotic Penguin (Click to Show)

Right of the bat I'm missing that proper introductory feeling. It feels a bit empty and already cuts down the opportunity to build up suspense. I feel as if I'm being thrown into the midst of a scene without any clue of who and what, and I'm sure this was intended but this doesn't feel as if its the right way to do it.

Allow me to rewrite it a bit :


Creating a fitting atmosphere is essential, especially in the beginning. Without it, the story feels empty from the getgo and it becomes harder to properly imagine what you're trying to depict since it's all a bit vague.

About the subject of atmosphere etc : I found your story as a whole a bit hard to properly picture. There were some sequences that left me a bit confused as to what was happening. When things get fast paced, it's crucial to maintain clarity in your writing. Once it becomes hard to understand what exactly is going on at a given moment, then that moment is lost to the reader, and you really wanna avoid that!

Now, maintaining clarity isn't always as easy. Especially if you have lots of (similar) things going on at the same time. In order to make up for the possible confusion that comes out of rapid sequences, it's important to make sure that the rest of the story is easy to keep track of. You want your reader to know where the action-sequence happens, so you don't have things suddenly popping up.


(On a sidenote : Omega has the ability to control fire so he could practically make the torches go out simply by.. wanting it, but that's not a major issue.)

This specific piece left me completely riddled. I have no clue where these fountains or these torches are supposed to be situated so I can't understand how he'd do that. There's no need to be hyperspecific about everything, but it's important to provide enough info.

I'll repeat what others have said before me, but there's a general lack of buildup and suspense in the story. This is simply the result of a general lack of proper atmosphere and a good depiction of the characters. I usually don't compare other people, but Mal's intro and story had me feeling a lot more for Catena (and Omega in my weird psycho way) than yours did. What I mean by this is that the characters felt a lot more fleshed out and there was certainly an eerie atmosphere about the whole thing.

A good way to get a grasp on atmosphere is to read some of other people's things and compare them to your own. What do you feel when reading the other person's story that you didn't feel reading your own?



This is the kind of sentence that requires proper buildup and suspension to become as powerful as it's supposed to be. It didn't quite feel like that, it felt more like "Catena did A, Omega got pissed and did B". If there had been a long, intensive struggle beforehand then this would've felt a lot more impactful than it did now. Omega just got torched like hell and instead of capitalizing on this mistake Catena simply stands/floats there and throws out some random insult, after which Omega seems to simply shrug of having been practically torched alive.



I hope you can feel a bit of a difference there. Don't worry, it's all trial and error, you'll get a hang of it quite soon if you just keep trying ;)

So let's go over what we're missing again shall we? Generally, there's a lack of atmosphere and clarity, which strains the buildup and suspense, generally lowering the quality of your work.

The lack of atmosphere is simply created by a lack of description. Don't be afraid to pepper your works with a little bit of detail! It's always better to be a bit overdescriptive than to be underdescriptive (though do try to be neither).

The clarity issue is mainly because the battle is a bit too static. It doesn't feel that dynamic and most of the times when one of them is doing something, the other is just doing nothing. It sort of feels like a bit of a turn-based fight ^^. An example would be this sequence :



I don't exactly know how fast this halo is supposed to fly, but I feel as if Omega just threw it and then stood there, hoping it'd oneshot Catena or something. He throws it to take a shot at her, so there's two logical things he can do afterwards : 1. Immediately move in for more attacks to capitalize on his strengths or 2. Use the halo to wear down Catena and prepare for a possible counterattack in the meantime. He did neither, he stood there, Catena threw it back, and it fucked him up. Alright, I can understand that it might've happened too fast for him to properly dodge, but he certainly would've done something once he'd see that Catena had caught the halo.

Now this is just an example. In a fight nobody stands still doing nothing unless both of them just had a run in and both need a second to breathe. Try to think what your opponent could possibly do while your gladiator is doing their attack and vise versa. An easy fix to the previous sequence would've simply been to say that Omega only realized too late what was going on, tried to dodge, but it still grazed his face.

When it comes to buildup, it's simply a matter of a correct grasp of action-reaction, knowing what your reader thinks when reading this specific paragraph and playing with that knowledge to either surprise them with an opposite or press on the suspense even more. For example, if Omega starts beating down Catena in close quarters with his tentacles/halo, we know she's going to be in trouble as she's going to struggle fighting in close quarters. So you either make Catena do some spookywooky trick that catches Omega offguard, or you make her struggle to block his attacks while he unleashes a flurry at her etc etc etc... It's hard to properly spell it out, but just remember that it usually comes naturally if you do the other things (suspense, atmosphere, dynamics) right.

Concerning suspense, it partially comes naturally if you manage to get the dynamics of the fight and the atmosphere correctly. It's important to keep your audience rooting for your fighter as well though. Fleshing out the characters is very important when it comes to building up suspense, since suspense is simply the reader fearing something for either party, or being thrilled by the lively violence going on. Both characters seem a bit too black and white to me. Omega's just the big OP arrogant/cocky alien, and all of his emotions simply express the same. Alright, this might be the case for Omega, but it doesn't feel properly executed which makes him appear a bit stiff. Same for Catena, I don't really feel for her and it feels more like I'm watching some choppy pivot animation between two peeps with cool powers.



I'm not sure how that's supposed to work.. But it does, somehow XD. Is there any practical difference between chain generation/manipulation and metal generation/manipulation? Because quite honestly it doesn't really feel like there is :p

(Boy, this feedback is longer than some RHG battles...)

.

Only reason the feedback is longer is because I'm not that good :/

Thanks for the CnC, it's much appreciated. Metal manipulation is different, as far as I can tell. A chain claymore doesn't have the slicing capabilities of a metal one. I couldn't find an image of one, so I may as well practice my writing right here.

Chaotic, at one point I was worse than you. Listen to the people helping you and apply it to future products and trust me, you'll become able to best me no problem.